What are you lookin' at?
Practise some new responses to challenging language. Try some verbal aikido by using your tone, body language and words to bring calm to the situation. Avoid making an effort to make the other person wrong and yourself right. It may help if you have some lines practised. When the going gets tough here are 12 suggested lines:
1. “I really want to understand what you are telling me. Let me clarify my understanding.” (Then tell your companion what you heard.
2. “Please help me understand where you are coming from. Please tell it to me in a different way.”
3. “Let me know when you are finished and ready to hear my concern.”
4. “I know you as one of the kindest (insert appropriate adjective) people I know. This doesn’t sound like you. Is there something else going on for you?”
5. “I would like to book a time when we can sit down and really focus on the issue in a calm manner.”
6. “What you are saying is very important. I would like to sit down to discuss this further.” Note: people feel more grounded in their body when they sit.
7. “You speak with a lot of passion. This is obviously important to you. Please tell me what brought you to this conclusion.”
8. “I think your intention is honorable. Are you interested in why I feel concerned? Note: if you hear “no” the conversation is probably over.
9. “I’d like us to back up. I think we misunderstand each other. Please tell me again what it is you want. Then I will try to be clearer in telling you what I want.”
10. “I know we both want the best in this situation. Perhaps we need to take a break to clear the air and come back in an hour.”
11. “Our relationship is too important for me to continue arguing like this. What is it that I can say or do to help us come to an agreeable conclusion?”
12. “Perhaps its time we agreed to disagree.”
