- Belonging Violations. In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, belonging is described as a basic human right after food, shelter, clothing and safety. Children struggle to survive when they are not attached to a primary care-giver. We all need to feel connected. Many people still feel resentful years after their divorce because of this human longing. “Belonging means you have a place where you are wanted and where you want to be.” Alfred Adler, Austrian medical doctor and psychologist
Elin and Tiger in happier times
- Boundary Violations: in Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin, Anne Katherine describes how to set healthy limits with your family, co-workers and others. We have personal, family and cultural guidelines around sharing our emotions, physical contact, social behavior, keeping agreements and acceptable language and conversations. Boundaries give us predictability and a sense of safety.
Cancelling the Debt
In our culture when an offender violates our need for belonging or violates our boundaries the judicial system requires him or her to “pay back your debt to society.” This usually involves time in jail or providing community service or paying a monetary fine. Just ask Kelly, our daughter, who spent a portion of her life behind bars.
There is no “should” nor “forgetting” to forgiving. It’s a paradox and this is where many people become stuck. Cancelling the debt may be perceived as giving up or giving in, or that the offender is winning while the wounded is losing yet again. However, while forgiving may not feel fair, neither is living with resentment and deep anger.
As Klassen points out, “Cancelling the debt means that the injurer has nothing to offer you that would further help to close the file. You do not require an apology, nor do you wish the injurer any harm and you don’t owe the injurer anything either.”
Author Annette Stanwick speaks to this phenomenon in her book, Forgiveness: The Mystery and Miracle, in which she describes meeting and forgiving her brother’s killer.
“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor and philosopher
Forgiving is often about grieving your loss. Here are some pointers to do so:
▪ Name your loss. Acknowledge what is missing and how much it hurts.
▪ Note what has been taken as well as what is left.
▪ Define yourself as a whole person rather than only by your betrayal, wound or loss.
“Forgive your enemies, but remember their names” JFK, Past President of USA
Forgiveness offers you the gifts of emotional freedom, a new set of self-care boundaries, new and deeper life principles and the ability to know you can bounce back “should harm come your way again.” Now that’s resilience!
What do you find hard to forgive? What happens to your trust of others in general when you have been betrayed? What is your experience of forgiveness? Do they jive with Dr. Kassen’s?
