Ben, Katie and Kelly in childhood
There are times we need to face up to our part in thoughtless and hurtful behavior. One of the hardest moments for parents of any age is when an offspring articulately, passionately and emotionally explodes with a vesuvius. Yes, something like Mount Vesuvius which has erupted more than 50 times since its original eruption when it buried the city of Pompeii. And like Mount Vesuvius, your beloved spews, but with words of anger and hurt; hurt of which you were the source.
This happened to me once again this past week by one of our adult children. Once the eruption was complete, I was told we would be good for at least another six months. Perhaps it is not worth marking on the calendar but it is worth sharing the insights.
While I consider myself a relatively light hearted parent, I am neither close to the virtuous Mother Mary nor close to Joan Crawford’s description of her vile, Mother Dearest. That probably holds true for you, too. We are inevitably going to disappoint our loved ones and periodically they are going to feel hurt. We make mistakes and hopefully we learn and and grow from them. Indeed, these periodic experiences of childhood resentment can strengthen our resilience.
This time around when the recollections of my neglect and insensitivities were recounted I came out at the end far less diminished than would have been the case years ago. Here are my lessons which will help you when receiving wrath from a child, spouse, friend or colleague.
Courage: It takes courage to sit, “take it on the chin” and really listen without defending or wilting in tears. Tell yourself you are demonstrating the virtue of courage to listen to the moments you let your child down. Also tell yourself that the teary eyed soul in front of you is demonstrating courage in trusting you to listen without re-wounding.
Be Present: Sit if at all possible during these challenging times. Plan on an hour to an hour and a half; more if you have a committed “drama princess or prince.” Breathe down to your toes to calm yourself. Stay particularly focused on your breathing when you hear trigger words like “never” and “always.” For example: “You always favor Joey over me.”
Listen: We all long to be seen, heard and acknowledged. One of the worse human hurts is to have our feelings invalidated. No matter how much you want to argue with “I did my best” or “You have the story wrong” or “How can you say this when I’ve done so much for you?” it is far better to acknowledge the feelings and, when possible, your part in them.
Touch: Reach out with a comforting touch only when your wailing child indicates it is welcome. Often times our touch has signaled a message to stop feeling a certain emotion.
Apologize: “Yes I bought that dumb T-shirt and put it on you. I am sorry.” Please avoid some angst and do not buy the one that says, “My Parents Went to Las Vegas and all they brought me back was this dumb T-shirt.” No, that’s not the shirt I bought but regardless, the one I purchased offended our child.
Closure: The conversation is over when both of you can say, “I am ok and I am glad you are ok. I love you.”
Use these points with anyone who legitimately and courageously shares a hurt that involves you and your actions. Remember, you are demonstrating a high virtue by doing so.
Have you ever had a similar experience? Any tips for others on how to gracefully or otherwise get through such emotionally challenging times?
