Les and Patricia camping.
So he has “his ventures” and I have “her ventures.” Then we put effort into “our times.” Both of us like to explore new territory—he’s more interested in the sights and I in the people and culture. We had an adventurous time visiting our daughter, Katie, when she lived in Taiwan followed by a visit to friend Sheilagh in South Korea. Most years we attend the Banff Couples Conference for our couple enrichment. It is there better than anywhere else that we have learned that our coupleship flourishes when we support each other in being the best of who we are. . . and going to places that enhance to best of who we are.
Years ago when Les was on a solo venture in Algonquin Park I was home fussing because a bear in the same park had molested a camper. For three days I didn’t know if he had become the bear bate. Upon his return I asked him to curtail his solo outdoor trips and he kindly agreed. From then on he only went canoeing with groups of people—often trips through the University of Calgary. Also we began “compromised camping” where we used a tent trailer to travel about North America.
Now I’m a matured woman, with grown children and Les is back to some solo ventures while I go where I please to speak, to learn or to hang out with my friends or relatives. We negotiate, support, and sometimes compromise to come to mutual agreement. As Kahlil Gibran wrote, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness . . . the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
Our primary relationship is one where hopefully we are supported in all we want to be, have and do. The discussion, struggle and tension to arrive where two people bloom in each other’s good will is well worth it.
What works in your love relationship to support the best in each other?
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Patricia, wow this is so true. I also know several people who have a hard time separating and doing things alone. They also seem to argue or seemed “dimmed” when I visit them.
My husband and I have conferenced at separate times and places but this is the first year that I will be taking a personal fun filled vacation with girlfriends. I am so excited and although my husband is saying he will miss me I think I have also witnessed a twinkle albeit it so slight that says something like “I’m going to watch TV, put my feet on the coffee table, eat deep dish pizza, leave out the box overnight, have two beer instead of one, nap and finish the book I want to read without any distractions, hope the door doesn’t hit you on the way out, love you.” Thanks Patricia for putting such thought into all your blogs to help us become a bit more resilient in every day.
Hey Jennifer,
I thank you for your support around the idea of time and space for him, her and us. As a music therapist, lover of prose and musian you will appreciate Kahill Gibran, The Prophet’s words:
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. . .
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone. . .
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
So glad you have a marriage in which neither of you are creating a shadow.