Patricia and Les
Here’s a tip for strengthening your partnership’s resiliency. Over forty years ago my mother gave me a whisper of wisdom, “You can put down your own family, see their faults and grumble all you want but avoid judging or criticizing Les’ family. They are deeply a part of him.”
Over the years I noticed that it felt perfectly all right for me to talk to Les about my angst with my own family. However, if he made a disparaging comment about any of my kin, I was soon in a defensive mode. Our families of origin exist in our DNA. They are, like my mother said, a significant piece of our history and biology.
Not all was smooth between Les’ family and me. His mother and I knocked heads a number of times. She would announce upon visits to our home, “My son won’t have to make his own tea while I am here.” I talked about how I felt but I didn’t make judgments. She was of another generation where “women served men.” Les kept his loyalty where it belonged—in our marriage. He made it clear that we had our own couple and family routines.
Couples need to stay loyal to one another, to have clear coupleship boundaries around invasions from extended family and to honour one another’s family of origin tender spots.
What are your experiences with your partner’s family members?
