Feel the fear and speak up anyway. If you speak the truth you will at least have supported yourself.
One strong trend in responses to my survey was regret for not standing up or speaking out about aggressive or abusive behaviors. Not one woman expressed regret for acting in an aggressive manner but many regretted their passivity when targeted for ill treatment. Here are some of their comments:
I learned:
- “To be less tolerant of bad behavior.”
- “I can stand up for what is right.”
- “Keep your own power. Do what you can.”
- “To fight for myself and not let anyone bully me.”
- “I wish I’d stood up to her.”
- “To expect courtesy and respect from all relationships. Look after myself.”
- “Believe in yourself. Take a stand. Say what you feel.”
- “It is better to stick up for yourself and be called a “b#$%#” than be a doormat and be bullied.”
- “The value of being true to myself and seeking to resolve conflict constructively rather than avoiding it.”
- “I didn’t make the world a better place by running away.”
C
onsider the assertiveness skills model as an augmentation to Establish Clear Boundaries. When you assert yourself, you are being yourself on purpose. The purpose is to express respect for yourself and those with whom you have contact. When we act like a door mat, we violate our own rights. When we act aggressively like a bulldozer, we violate other’s rights. The two keys are to speak up with “I” messages and to listen attentively. We will focus here on the speaking up aspect.
When challenged or feeling stressed most of us have a tendency to react in a passive, aggressive or passive/aggressive manner. As noted from the survey respondents, women traditionally lean towards passive or passive/aggressive behavior. Passive/aggressive behavior puts others in a double bind with a mixed message. “I’m in big trouble because of what you did but don’t help me solve it. I’ll suffer quietly.” It sounds passive with an aggressive undertone. The chart below summarizes the differences between acting passively, assertively or aggressively:
PASSIVE: Gives up relationship with self
Belief: I have no rights. You have all the rights.
Behavior: Acts like a martyr. Is submissive. Defers to others. Does not express wants, ideas or feelings. Expresses self in an apologetic manner. Acts like a victim.
Intention and Goals: To please and get love, acceptance or approval. To be liked and avoid conflict at all cost.
Emotions: Low self-esteem. Feelings of high anxiety, powerlessness, frustration, resentment, being used and hopelessness.
How Others Feel: Frustrated, pity, angry, guilty or resentful.
Pay Off (unconscious reward): Avoids confrontation, risk of disapproval or being seen as wrong.
AGGRESSIVE: Gives up relationship with others
Belief: I have all the rights. You have no rights.
Behavior: Sacrifices others, Blames others to win. Name calls and yells. Puts others down. Threatens. Expresses wants, ideas and feelings at the expense of other.
Intention and Goals: To dominate and control. To protect self at all cost. May get material goals or short term goals.
Emotions: Feelings of self-righteousness and power OR powerlessness, guilt and embarrassment.
How Others Feel: Fearful, hurt, resentful or angry. May retaliate or avoid.
Pay Off (unconscious reward): Short term illusion of control and power. Feelings released. Others’ compliance. Note: Relationships are painful or destroyed.
ASSERTIVE: Honor self and others
Belief: Our rights and wants are equally important.
Behavior: Expresses own beliefs feelings and wants in an open, honest, direct and appropriate manner. Listens, shares and exchanges information. Willing to be influenced. Uses “I” messages INTENTION and GOALS: To communicate. To develop healthy give-and-take relationships while not always getting own way.
Emotions: Able to satisfy own wants while considering needs of others. May not get own way but relationships are healthy.
How Others Feel: Trusted, trusting, respected, respectful, heard, seen and understood.
Pay Off (unconscious reward): Self confidence. Influence and respect. Healthier relationships.
- Decide if you tend to use passive, aggressive or passive/aggressive behaviors.
- If you tend to act passively:
- Take adult responsibility. Decide what you really want and take action.
- Keep agreements. If someone helps, do your part by following through.
- Ask yourself, “How can I get what I really want in a healthy way?”
- Count your blessings. Acknowledge your strengths and what is going well.
- Remember, you make you. Minimize self pity and take action.
3. If you tend to act aggressively:
- Give up believing you have power over other people.
- Listen to others. Really listen.
- Make expectations clear. “I want this completed by Tuesday.”
- Practice asking others, “What do you need from me?”
When possible take the assertive position. Begin to use the words yes, no and it depends in conscious ways. Be discerning and choose wisely. Please note that while a woman and a man may speak and act in a similar and assertive manner, the woman will be more likely accused of acting aggressively. Be aware of this societal bias.
