Human needs include time for fun, sun and just being.
Hey there! Don’t let your work define who you are. Ask someone what they do and you will often hear a title like office administrator, teacher or engineer. You are not your roles, thoughts, feelings, beliefs or work.
- “You are lovable and capable.”
These aspects of your life are all chosen by you. Identifying your self only through your work can become problematic. It represents a part of our life, not our whole. Careers allow us to show off our abilities. In self-esteem terms, we want to believe, “I am capable and I am lovable.” A nurse reported in the survey, “Work is not that important in the big scheme of things.” She’s got it!
In a culture that values people based on their accomplishments we, can easily avoid taking time and space to accept, let alone love, ourselves as is—perhaps lounging on the couch. That’s what Gloria Steinem, a very successful and leading feminist, shared in her book, Moving Beyond Words. It took her years to figure out what was missing from her life.
Steinem wrote, “The need for supporting core self-esteem doesn’t end in childhood. Adults still need unconditional love from family, friends, life partners, animals, and perhaps even an all-forgiving deity. ‘No matter how the world may judge you, I love you for yourself.’”
We see unconditional love demonstrated in the care of a newborn baby as her parents awake night after night. It’s the offer of shelter to a homeless person. It’s the tail wagging on your dog. Our dog provided no household help, required regular walks, was fed and loved for just being. Sure, she was reprimanded for her accidents, but her unique lovableness was never questioned. Regrettably, many people are not given the same message of irreplaceable value.
To love yourself unconditionally means to treasure yourself merely because you exist. Think “existential.” “Woo-woo,” as my friend Jannette says. We’ve moved into a psychological and spiritual realm. Bear with me. The basic premise is that all beings are lovable and valuable. Yes, even those who break the law. I’ve written about that in my book, Love Her As She Is: Lessons from a Daughter Stolen by Addictions. Loving as is provides the underpinning concept. It separates the doer from the deed; the being from the act.
If you are not already embracing yourself for simply being human in woman form, below are some self-affirming statements. Be gentle with yourself and don’t force these beliefs. Dr. Al Siebert, author of The Resiliency Advantage and The Survivor Personality, cautions against forced affirmations as they may trigger a reverse reaction. These gentle words can become demons if spoken from an internal and demanding gremlin. If you find it difficult to tell yourself, “I deserve love,” you might start by telling yourself, “I want to believe:
- I deserve love.
- I am a good and loving person.
- I am okay just the way I am.
- My needs and wants are important.
- I am lovable at every age.
Find a self-affirming statement that best works for you. It will be the one that settles comfortably in your mind and body. It feels true. Notice how you feel when you tell yourself this message. Repeat the message to yourself more than you imagine you need to hear it. And if that doesn’t work develop some self-compassion. Loving yourself “as is” is sometimes the best you can do.
If you need a reminder to do this self-strengthening work, just remember the story of the young man who asked the New Yorktaxi driver, “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” The taxi driver’s response was, “Practice, practice, practice.” If you want to arrive at an internal hall of your own well being, “Practice, practice, practice.”
