An audience member wrote: “I want to learn more about understanding what makes us the way we are.” Hmm, as in what makes us human or what makes us different than others? I wasn’t sure how to start my return email and, yet, I did. Here is my attempt:
The Chicken or Egg Theory
The Chicken or Egg Theory asks, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg? But let us look at the egg in a different way. Some eggs have naturally weak yolks and some have strong yolks. Yet, how the chicken treats her egg–with love and attention or neglect or destruction–will shape its destiny. Also, an egg’s future is affected by how the chef treats it. Consider the texture of an egg that is fried compared to beaten, scrambled, poached, boiled or coddled.
This is parallel to the Nature versus Nurture Debate. No one has determined exactly how much of our behavior is influenced by hereditary factors including brain function and hormones, in comparison to our cultural and family influences and shaping. How much can humans be disciplined or manipulated into meeting external expectations? And to what benefit or detriment? In the early 18th century it was believed that children were blank slates upon which adults could “write” or prescribe how they would become.
Identical Twins
We now know from studies done with identical twins separated at birth that our personalities are significantly influenced by our genetic make-up. I have read that 50% of our personality is pre-determined and I have read 30%. But either percentage leaves a lot of flex room.
Multiple Intelligence
Neuro-linguistic programming introduced the idea of three main ways we take in information and use it–visually, auditorily and kinetically/physically. Then, Howard Gardner’s research in multiple intelligences awakened us to the fact that we have different abilities–innate gifts for music or spatial ability or language or physical agility or introspection or social ability. Children, well all of us, have strengths to discover and be nurtured. How sad to see a boy who has a gift for quiet focus and philosophic contemplation being forced to play aggressive hockey. How sad to see a girl who is strong and physically confident forced to play the piano while being banned from playing hockey. Thank goodness many of these sexist norms are changing. You can take a Multiple Intelligence Test test.
Personality Styles
As well, the Myers-Briggs personality indicator points out that we all have inborn preferences—introversion (energized by being with oneself) versus extroversion (energized by being with others), ease with sensing (ease with detail) versus intuition (ease with instinct), thinking logically versus ease with feelings and care for others and last ease with making a quick decision versus ease with exploring many different options. You can take the Myers Briggs indicator assessment tool.
What happens when the environment tries to put us in a square hole when we are a round peg? As a child and teen, I and others thought I was a “shy” person. In actuality, I lived with the fear of speaking up and consequently was internally shut down. I was influenced or “programmed” to act passively in order to feel safe. When the best of me was able to flourish the result was the outgoing, extroverted and expressive woman you witnessed on the platform at your conference.
Our daughter, Katie, has a preference for introversion. When I sent her off to Brownies she came home feeling angry; “At school, they make me play with the other kids. Then you send me where I have to be told what to do and be with a bunch of other kids. I just want to read in my room.” Fortunately, we honored her protest. Do not worry. She did learn to play successfully with other children, yet with lots of time to be by herself.
Human Virtues
So, while we are born with “natural tendencies,” we can learn to adapt and cope in ways that lead us to success in a variety of environments with a variety of expectations. Ideally, the external environment nurtures us to be and act in our and our communities’ best interests. The Virtues Project, by Linda Popov, provides a structure for encouraging behaviors which instil peace and harmony for all. These virtues have stood the test of time and are supported by many world religions and governances. The project is based on virtues such as compassion, courage, forgiveness, generosity, honesty, justice, respect, self-discipline, thankfulness, and trustworthiness. Most of us encourage children and adults, for that matter, to demonstrate these virtues and their accompanying behaviors. But the modeling and reinforcing of them often go amiss.
Some adults unknowingly reward the opposite of the virtues. Some children are coddled and highly protected. How can children develop courage if they are not encouraged to take risks? Some children are waited on hand and foot as if adults are servants. How can children develop a sense of personal trustworthiness if they are not left with significant responsibility? Some children are told lies. They might be told, “We’re fine. There’s nothing to worry about,” even when their family is falling apart or there is a huge problem. How can children develop honesty when they are not supported in honestly dealing with painful realities?
We Can Choose
As adults, we often wonder why we struggle to live the authentic life we want for ourselves. We need to be kind about this human dilemma. We can remind ourselves that our genetics don’t provide the whole answer about what makes us different. But neither do our childhood and cultural programming. We have free will to choose for ourselves and yet, that is not easy with all the voices of persuasion begging for our attention. Perhaps the best we can do is:
decide on our gifts and strengths
use them whenever and wherever we can
define the values and virtues by which we want to live
aim to act upon them
do our best to be our best and with compassion let go the rest!
This is a book summary of marital therapist, Terrence (Terry) Real’s book, Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship. Real’s perspectives are refreshing, clear, astute, and have a flavor of feminism. He challenges traditional masculinity, gender role training, the North American cultural homage to individualism, and more.
Us was hot off the press in June of 2022 and attracted immediate and significant interest. It is a good omen when rock star, Bruce Springsteen expresses his gratitude. In the forward of Us, Springsteen writes,
“A long and stubborn stream of mental illness and dysfunction manifested itself in my life. . . Over the years I’ve found some very good guides through that dark forest and down to that river of life. For my wife, Patti, and me, Terrence Real has been one of those guides, and this book is a map through those trees.”
Overview of Us: Getting Past You and Me . . .
Real proposes our love will flourish when we put our me-me needs into slow motion and consider what is in the higher good for our relationship. What decisions, words, or gestures will bring us closer rather than distant and disconnected?
You will read how compassion plays a role in Real’s work when he investigates couples’ trauma histories. He explores how his clients were parented and distinguishes between their present-day Wise Adult and the Adapted Child part of them that brings dysfunction into the marriage.
Real makes it clear that blame, criticism, insisting on the facts, and right fighting have no place in loving relationships. Relational language, on the other hand, provides assurance, connection, and comfort.
Basic Concepts of Us: Getting Past You and Me . . .
Real gives you an indication of his main themes in the chapter titles listed below.
Which Version of You Shows Up to Your Relationship?
The Myth of the Individual
How Us Gets Lost and You and Me Takes Over
The Individualist at Home
Start Thinking Like a Team
You Cannot Love from Above or Below
Your Fantasies Have Shattered, Your Real Relationship Can Begin
Fierce Intimacy, Soft Power
Leaving Our Kids a Better Future
Becoming Whole
Top 20 Terrence Real Quotes
“The central question I ask myself during a therapy session is simply this one: Which part of you am I talking to? Am I talking to the mature part of you, the one who’s present in the here and now? Or am I speaking to a triggered part of you . . . The triggered part of you sees things through the prism of the past.”
“The Adaptive Child is a child’s version of an adult, the you that you cobbled together in the absence of healthy parenting.”
“There is no redeeming value whatsoever in harshness. Harshness does nothing that loving firmness doesn’t do better.”
“. . . relational heroism—that moment when every muscle and nerve in your body is screaming to do the same old, but through raised consciousness, insight, discipline, and grace, you lift yourself off your accustomed track and deliberately place yourself on another track. You shift from the automatic, thoughtless response, from your you and me consciousness, your Adaptive Child, to something new, something more relational, more connected, more mature.”
“In your close relationships, urgency is your enemy, and breath is your friend. Breath can change your heart rate and your thinking physiologically.”
“Secure relationships lead to increased immunity and less disease, to say nothing of lower scores in depression, anxiety, and higher reported general well-being. Insecure relationships stress you out and can make you ill.”
“The real question is ‘How are we as a team going to approach the issue at hand in a way that works for both of us?’”
“There is no place for objective reality in personal relationships. Objective reality is great for getting trains to run on time or for developing an important vaccine, but for ferreting out which point of view is ‘valid’ in an interpersonal transaction, it is a loser.” Note: Basically Real is saying, “Right fighting is damaging to your relationship.”
“When we get trauma-triggered in our close relationships, our Wise Adult shuts off, and we are seized by our Adaptive Child. We feel ‘taken over’ and we want to push back.”
“Take a break, throw some water on your face, take cleansing breaths with long exhalations, go for a walk. But don’t try to grapple with relational issues from your Adaptive Child. Get yourself reseated in your Wise Adult before attempting repair.”
“Ask yourself which part of you is talking right now, and what that part’s real agenda is. If your agenda in that moment is to be right, to gain control, to vent, retaliate, or withdraw—then stop.”
“Hold a moratorium on your vain attempts to get the other person to change, and try something that will surprise yourself. . . Ask your partner what you might do differently to evoke a different response from them. And then when they make a suggestion or two, short of jumping off a local bridge, give it to them. Why? Because it works, silly.”
“Love does heal us; love transforms—if we are willing to move past our own egos and show up for the occasion.”
“. . . feeling superior, better-than, entitled. Here’s a few things to know about grandiosity and, in particular, about the difference between grandiosity and shame. First of all, they are both lies; they are purely delusional. One human being simply cannot be fundamentally superior or inferior to another.”
“I want the mighty to melt and the weak to stand up.”
“Some infidelities do end in divorce, to be sure, but, statistically, most don’t. Two-thirds of marriages survive the hit. And that doesn’t factor in going to therapy to get help.”
“I call the stage of repair knowing love. Here you are utterly aware of your partner’s failings and shortfalls—the temper that’s too big, the affection that’s too small, the sloppiness, or stinginess, or impulse to control—and yet you choose to love them anyway.”
“’Can I say or do anything now that might help?’ will often point you toward repair instead of escalated distance or warfare.”
“Remember, intimacy—the thing we all long for, if we’re really honest with ourselves, the touch of human connection that heals, that fulfills, the only thing in our lives capable of rendering us truly happy, intimacy is not something you have; it’s something you do. And you can learn to do it better.”
Resilience quotes are here for you! But why do we love quotations? Because they are like nuggets of gold; pure thoughts that can improve our thinking, self-perception, and worldview. You will see I favor my mentor and researcher Dr. Al Siebert (1934-2009). He wrote The Survivor Personalityand The Resiliency Advantage. Please let me know which of these famous and powerful resilience quotes you enjoy, or resonate with, or would edit. Ok?
Define Resilience
“Resiliency is something you do, more than something you have. . . You become highly resilient by continuously learning your best way of being yourself in your circumstance.” Al Siebert
“Resilience is overcoming adversity, whilst also potentially changing, or even dramatically transforming, (aspects of) that adversity.” Angie Hart, University of Brighton
“Resilience isn’t a single skill. It’s a variety of skills and coping mechanisms. To bounce back from bumps in the road as well as failures, you should focus on emphasizing the positive.” Jean Chatzky, financial journalist, and author of Money Rules: The Simple Path to Lifelong Security
“Resilience is knowing that you are the only one who has the power and the responsibility to pick yourself up.” Mary Holloway, Writer and Resilience Coach
Expect Struggle: Demonstrate Courage
“The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It’s the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun.” Napoleon Hill (1883-1970), author of Think and Grow Rich
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” Mary Anne Radmacher, author of Courage Doesn’t Always Roar
“Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” Mark Twain (1835-1910), humorist and writer
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Winston Churchill (1874-1965), Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
“To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.” e. e. cummings (1894-1962), poet, essayist, and playwright
“The last of human freedoms is one’s ability to choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.” Viktor Frankl (1905-1997), psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor, and author of Man’s Search for Meaning
Listen to Your Body/Emotions
“Resilient survivors handle their feelings well when hit with unexpected difficulties no matter how unfair. When hurt and distressed, they expect to eventually recover and find a way to have things turn our well.” Al Siebert
“During difficult times, an important resiliency step is being able to express your feelings in healthy ways. You can’t make feelings go away, but you can move through them.” Al Siebert
“The better you become at being able to recognize, verbalize, and manage your feelings, the less you will be vulnerable to losing emotional control or developing cardiovascular illnesses.” Al Siebert
“Anyone who tries to act as though he or she never feels upset or distressed is more fragile than people who admit they need counseling.” Al Siebert
“Survivors are not afraid to have feelings. You must be in touch with your body and its messages.” Bernie Siegel, MD, author of Love, Medicine & Miracles
“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.” Audre Lorde (1934-1992), writer, feminist, and civil rights activist
“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” Gloria Steinem, feminist, journalist, and social-political activist
“Cry if you want to, I won’t tell you not to. I won’t try to cheer you. I’ll just be here if you want me to be.” Cole Porter (1891-1964), composer and songwriter
Bounce Back
“I am down. And that is okay. I may be down for a while, but I will rise again. And when I rise, I will rise higher than I’ve gone before, I will be stronger than I’ve been before. I will thrive.” Brian Vaszily, author of The 9 Intense Experiences: An Action Plan to Change Your Life Forever
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” Confucius, Ancient philosopher
“Fall seven times, stand up eight.” Japanese Proverb
“I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.” B. Priestley (1894-1984), novelist, playwright, and broadcaster
“Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.” Nelson Mandela, South African anti-apartheid revolutionary and Prime Minister
Deal with Change and Loss
“When you are hit with life-disrupting events, you will never be the same again. You either cope or you crumble; you become better or bitter; you emerge stronger or weaker.” Al Siebert
“Things do not change; we change.” Henry David Thoreau (1817- 1862), essayist, philosopher, abolitionist
“Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.” Robert Gallagher, editorial photographer
“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude.” Maya Angelou (1928-2014), poet, memoirist, and civil rights activist
“Never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world. For, indeed, that’s all who ever have.” Margaret Mead (1901-1978), author and anthropologist
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mohandas Gandhi (1869-1948), leader of the Indian independence movement against British
“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” Alan Watts (1915-1973), philosopher, speaker, and interpreter of Eastern philosophy
Manage Your Stress
“What most people call stress is really an internal, physical feeling of anxiety or strain that they don’t like. This is not just semantics. Stress is the external pressure, strain is the internal effect.” Al Siebert
“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it. . . Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.” Hans Selye (1907-1982), endocrinologist and stress researcher
“Stress will break people altogether if they are in the beginning too weak to stand distress, or else, if they are already strong enough to take the stress in the first place, that same stress, if they come through it, will strengthen them, temper them, and make them stronger.” Abraham Maslow (1908-1970), psychologist, creator of Maslow’s hierarchy of need, and author of Toward a Psychology of Being
“The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still going to be a rat.“ Lily Tomlin, comedian, and actress
“Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.”Richard Carlson, psychotherapist, and author of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff . . . and It’s All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life
Edit Your Thoughts and Talk
“Your mind and attitudes create either barriers or bridges to good outcomes.” Al Siebert
“Negative self-talk will weaken your self-concept and can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. People who think ‘I’m a loser’ or ‘I’m a failure as a manager’ tend to act in a way that confirms those beliefs. People who think ‘I’m adaptable’ or ‘I’m a good friend’ will tend to act in ways to confirm those beliefs.” Al Siebert
“The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.” Albert Einstein (1879-1955), theoretical physicist
“Wings are not only for birds; they are also for minds. Human potential stops at some point somewhere beyond infinity.” Toller Cranston (1949-2015), Olympic figure skater and painter.
“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.” Helen Keller (1880-1969), deaf-blind author and political activist
“I knew there was a way out. I knew there was another kind of life because I had read about it. I knew there were other places, and there was another way of being.” Oprah Winfrey, talk show host, actress, producer, and philanthropist
“The mind is its own place and can make a heaven of hell and a hell of heaven.” John Milton (1608-1674), poet and man of letters
“Thinking is easy, acting difficult, and to put one’s thoughts into action, the most difficult thing in the world.” Goethe, ancient philosopher
“The person who is not hungry says that the coconut has a hard shell.” African Tribal Saying
Avoid Seeing Yourself As a Victim
“Blaming others for how bad things are for you, keeps you in a non-resilient victim state in which you do not take resiliency actions.” Al Siebert
“The key to making your life better is to stop blaming others for triggering reactions in you that you don’t like. The problem is not what others do; it is your reaction to what they do.” Al Siebert
“A Child Called It was a story about resilience, it was never about boo-hoo-hoo. It was about a kid that didn’t quit.” Dave Pelzer, survivor of extreme parental abuse and author of A Child Called It: One Child’s Courage to Survive
“When we learn to deal directly with our complaints and difficulties, romanticized ideas about the spiritual path are no longer meaningful. We see that what is important is to take responsibility for ourselves, and to always be aware of our thoughts, feelings, and actions.” Tarthang Tulku, Tibetan teacher, and Buddhist
“Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.” Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894) author of Treasure Island, Kidnapped, and Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
“There are two ways of exerting one’s strength: one is pushing down, the other is pulling up.” Booker T. Washington (1856-1915), educator and presidential advisor
“You recover better when you tell your family, a friend, or a support group what you are feeling. If you’d like them just to listen and not problem solve while you talk, let them know. If you want some suggestions and coaching on what to do, let them know that.” Al Siebert
“Find a survivor who can be a role model for you. For me it is Lassie: whenever I run into difficulties I ask myself, “What would Lassie do now?” Bernie Siegel, MD, author of Love, Medicine, and Miracles
“You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined.” Elizabeth Edwards (1949-2010), attorney and author of Resilience: Reflections on the Burdens and Gifts of Facing Life’s Adversities
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” Anais Nin (1903-1977), diarist, and novelist
“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.” Richard Bach, author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull and Illusions
“Nourishing relationships is the single most universally agreed-upon feature of the good life.” Daniel Goleman, author of Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships
Take Action
“A few people are born resilient. The rest of us need to work consciously at developing our abilities.” Al Siebert
“Resilient children tend to have parents who are concerned with their children’s education, who participate in that education, who direct their children’s everyday task, and who are aware of their children’s interests and goals.” Linda F. Winfield, author of Developing Resilience in Urban Youth
“Action is a great restorer and builder of confidence. Inaction is not only the result but the cause, of fear. Perhaps the action you take will be successful; perhaps different action or adjustments will have to follow. But any action is better than no action at all.” Norman Vincent Peale (1898-1993), minister, and author of The Power of Positive Thinking
“What doesnot kill me makes me stronger.” Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche (1844-1900), philosopher, poet, and Greek scholar
“A gem is not polished without rubbing, nor a person perfected without trials.” Chinese Proverb
“Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit.” Napoleon Hill (1883-1970), author of The Power of Positive Thinking
“Show me someone who has done something worthwhile, and I’ll show you someone who has overcome adversity.” Lou Holtz, football player, coach, and analyst
“In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.” Albert Bandura, psychologist
“It may sound strange, but many champions are made champions by setbacks.” Bob Richards, space entrepreneur
“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.” Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882), essayist, lecturer, and poet
“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.”Helen Keller Helen Keller (1880-1969), deaf-blind author and political activist
Remember, You’re Stronger than you think
“Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.” Michael P. Watson, professional boxer
“Our resilience increases as we recognize the magnitude of what we have already accomplished.” Patricia O’Gorman, author of Dancing Backwards In High Heels: How Women Master the Art of Resilience
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (1926-2004), psychiatrist, and author of On Death and Dying
Help Boost Others
“Empathy for other people’s feelings requires a counter-balancing quality of toughness to not be controlled by their pain.” Al Siebert
“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” Edith Wharton (1862-1937), novelist, and designer
“If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for me, what is the point.” Hillel, fifth century Jewish Leader
“Our primary purpose is the help others. And if you can’t help them, at least don’t hurt them.” Dalai Lama, Tibetan leader
Lighten Up
“The most resilient people are like playful, curious children.” Al Siebert
“Taking time to laugh, appreciate pleasant moments, and smell the roses daily affects your brain and nervous system in ways that enhance your problem-solving skills, and this, in turn, increased your resiliency.” Al Siebert
“Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” Hugh Sidey (1927-2005), Life Magazine journalist
“Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes too.” Jimmy Buffett, musician, actor and businessman
“Cracked up by life with a laugh that’s known bitter but, past it, got better.” Jayne Relaford Brown, poet
“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.” Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887) clergyman and social reformer
“My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke. I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.” Maya Angelou (1928-2014), poet, memoirist, and civil rights activist
Please share your one, two or three favorite resilience quotes with us. OK?
A few years ago, I organized a national Canadian Mother’s Day writing contest calledWOW MOM: Honoring Resilient Mothers. Contestants wrote a tribute to a mom. Five objective readers decided the top winners who were given prizes worth over one thousand dollars. The top eight entries are below.
I hope these tributes inspire you to write a tribute to someone who nurtured you. It might not be your biological mother. Consider this perspective from one of my resiliency mentors, Nan Henderson who wrote, Resiliency in Action:
On this Mother’s Day I want to emphasize (from the resiliency research) that SO many traumatized, abused, and distressed children and youth are helped by the “mothering” they receive from their teachers, bus drivers, cafeteria workers, neighbors, pastors, coaches, counselors, extended family members and others in their life who show them caring, support, and love. True mothering – no matter what the source – heals.”
FIRST: Confessions to my Mother
My mother was 29 years old when the police came to her door at three a.m. to tell her that her husband was in a work-related accident at the factory where he was working the night shift. He suffered serious head trauma and died the next day.
With two young children, she took control of her fate and boldly did what she knew how to do. There was no option. As a woman who had never learned to read or write English she supplemented her meager monthly Workman’s Compensation pension by caring for children during the day and sewing for clients at night; all so that she could be at home to take care of us. She is a proud and dignified woman and never took a hand-out or a dime from anyone. She just figured it out somehow. We never went hungry and were always well-dressed and well-loved.
Like most mother/daughter relationships, we have consistently loved each other and driven each other crazy at the same time. We’ve always worked things out and been there for each other. I have not always told her how much I appreciated her because, quite frankly, I spent too much time being her child while around her. It is time to share some heartfelt sentiments.
Dear Mom,
I admire your strength. You have had a difficult life and yet remain one of the most resilient people I know. I admire your love and acceptance. You love everyone for exactly who they are, making extraordinary efforts to make sure your love is felt. I admire how well you take care of yourself. You know how important it is to stay healthy to maintain your quality of life. I admire what a wonderful friend you are. You are always there for people with kind words or a listening ear. I really do want to be just like you. I’m starting to have the same facial expressions as you. Some of my habits are strangely similar to yours. My Christmas cookies will never taste as good as yours and I will admit that I have given my children every piece of advice you have ever given me, even though I rejected it at the time.
You are a wonderful mother and friend. I’m glad you are mine.
Four years ago, on New Year’s Day, Tracey’s daughter, Cassidy, was in a terrible snowmobile accident. I knew Tracey was strong. She had weathered a few storms in her life but the strength she showed during this time while putting on the face for her family and friends, was beyond what I could imagine anybody doing.
Cassidy had fallen off the back of the snowmobile and was knocked unconscious. She was airlifted to our Children’s Hospital over 210 kilometers away. She never regained consciousness for almost a month. During that time, Tracey did what any mom would do. She sat vigil for her daughter and kept a resolute calm for her husband and son. But she also did the unimaginable; she smiled, she laughed, she did her makeup and her hair, she wore bright colors, she hugged and she stayed true to Cassidy.
Yes, Tracey cried, and she shook. She was shattered and she melted, but when she faced daily visitors, doctors, her parents and sisters, her husband and son, she shone. It was amazing to watch, and I felt sad. It seemed, the wrong way around; we should have held her up! But, that is not Tracey’s way.
Cassidy opened her eyes and spoke, “My nose is itchy”. Slowly, she walked and came back to life. Tracey had waited, and then, she broke. But, like Cassidy, she made a full recovery.
This is the short version of the story. The best part of the story is, Tracey is still Tracey. She is the person who brings a Smoothie to your house when you have a cold; the friend who holds another friend’s hand when their head is being shaved; the competitive team mate; the daughter who is still the sparkle in her parents’ eyes at age 49; the Big sister whose heart knows no bounds; the crazy, embarrassing mom whose two kids who love her zest for life; the wife who holds her husband up when his little girl is laying lifeless in his arms and showers him with love. She is a ray of sunshine and I get to be, like many others, a small part of the garden she shines upon and makes grow.
Sharon Evans, Winnipeg, Manitoba in honor of her friend, Tracey
THIRD: Rosie Endures
How much can one human being endure in a lifetime? It depends on the human being.
I was nineteen when the phone rang and my grandmother said, “So you don’t have a father anymore.” The words tore into my heart like a knife. My dad, Harry, and my mom, Rosie, had just returned home from a vacation. Dad was 55 and died of a heart attack.
Having no father for me, meant Rosie was without a husband, a man she was with for 30 years. It was not a perfect marriage, but they created five children and gave us everything we needed.
Rosie was an attractive woman, outgoing and with a great sense of humor. While she did not focus on worldly issues (The National Enquirer was her primary source of news), she was upbeat and positive. With those attributes, it was not long before she met Hymie, and married him.
Hymie was a funny little man, successful in the army surplus business. With all his quirks and peculiarities, we loved Hymie for 13 years before he dropped dead in his kitchen, also of a heart attack. I remember Rosie sobbing uncontrollably after his death, and saying, “What is it about me that makes my husbands leave me?” By reaching out to family, celebrating Hymie’s life, and staying positive, Rosie moved on.
If burying two husbands wasn’t enough, Rosie went through the worst of all nightmares, losing two of her children while she was still alive. My brother Errol died from leukemia at 44, and my sister Mona crashed alone in her car at 62 years of age. After all that, Rosie was down, but not out. She refused to give up on life.
Now at 98 years of age, Rosie has few of her faculties remaining. Still, every once in a while she gets that glint in her eye cracks a big smile, and a joke or two. How much can one human endure in a lifetime? If you are Rosie, an awful lot.
Fear rushes through my veins as my phone vibrates beside my computer. What will the principal say this time? Did she slam a door? Did her social deficits cause a fight with a peer? Did she shut herself in her locker again? Is she crying?
Oh. It is only a text. My heart roars in my ears as I recover from my own paranoia. I get up and guzzle a glass of cold water, eat a snack, pour a coffee. Shake off the fear. Dive back into work.
The phone buzzes. My pulse ratchets up. I close my eyes and wait because a notification will silence after two buzzes.
It doesn’t silence. I snatch up the phone, barely identify the school’s number before I swipe the screen.
“Hello?”
Her voice is soft. “Hi, Mom.” Whew. It’s not the principal. I press my hand to my slamming heart. “Hi, honey. What’s up?”
“Um,” she says. I hold my breath. Will I need to pick her up for disruptive behavior? Explain her deficits to a sub again? I eye my keys on the key hook.
“You okay, kiddo?” I prompt her when all I hear for a while is breathing.
“Yeah,” she says. “I dropped my sandwich on the floor and can’t eat it. But I took deep breaths and did not scream.”
I sagged back in my chair with relief. “Oh. Can you ask your teacher for a piece of fruit to hold you over until you get home?”
“I’m not allowed to take other people’s food, Mom.”
This is my black-and-white, concrete-thinking child. A grin edges across my lips. “If a teacher offers you food, it’s not taking from them.”
“Oh.”
“Is that okay, then?”
“Yeah, sure. Bye!”
After she hangs up, I stare at my phone. My smile widens, and my heart tingles with pride. She didn’t slam, kick, or throw. She called me instead.
I draw deep, calming breaths. One good day at a time . . . for both of us.
Naomi Davis, Cayley, Alberta in honor of mothers whose children live with disabilities
Am I a Good Mother?
Sometimes we mothers wonder, “Am I a good mother?”
I recently realized my grown daughters are messy. Their shoes and clothes are strewn about their houses. There always seems to be dirty dishes on the counter. Their laundry is rarely all done and put away.
Bemoaning their habits, I declared “I have failed as a mother!” A good friend asked me if my adult children’s neatness is a true measure of my parental success. (Pause) No.
THIS is how I gauge my success as a parent: my children are decent human beings.
They share their meager wealth with their friends and family. They are generous.
I once was walking with my, then, late-teen daughter when the elderly woman in front of us tripped and fell to the ground. My daughter sprang into action and in a blink of the eye, lifted the woman, brushed off her clothes and gathered her spilled groceries. When I commented she replied, “What if that were Grandma?” They are decent.
This spring one daughter’s friend longed to visit her dying mother one last time but could not afford the flights to Ontario. My other daughter had a pass for two flights and gave them to her sister’s friend. They are compassionate.
I once regretted that my daughters came from a broken home. About 15 years ago they told me that they did not consider themselves growing up in a broken home but from a happy home. They are loving.
The mother of my Grandtoys often foregoes housework to ride bikes, play games or sing and dance with her girls. They have priorities.
I love my wise, beautiful daughters. Being their mom has been, bar none, my greatest life experience, my most significant life purpose and my most satisfying accomplishment.
When their father became ill over 30 years ago, I knew my only job was to prepare my children for adulthood, in case they lost me, too. It wasn’t easy but I did my job. My daughters are decent human beings.
When I first met Deanne (last name), I could never have predicted the profound impact she would have, not only in my life but the lives of many others.
While working on her Master’s thesis in Education, she chose to write a play on LBGTQ awareness in high schools. The protagonist was a young teacher trying to deal with the constraints and issues that teachers now face in modern classrooms in Alberta, such as religious, cultural, and administrative objections and obstacles – all while pregnant!
When her play was performed by a cast of diverse students for Calgary teachers and administrators, several students wrote to Deanne afterward to tell her how much her play had meant to them, and how it had helped them with their own struggles.
These days, Deanne lives the message in her play. She teaches high school English in an overcrowded classroom, tutors part–‐time, and, working with the Calgary Board of Education and the Calgary Sexual Health Centre, advocates for LBGTQ awareness, Gay Straight Alliance education and implementation into the school system.
As a teacher, she recognizes the inequity of behavior towards LBGTQ students and the effect this bullying has upon them, including higher suicide rates. Deanne is an amazing mother, consciously bringing a sense of love, comfort, joy, and empowerment to her own two children, three year old, Josh and 18 months old, Inara, and her husband, Aaron.
She is also a phenomenal friend. I am awed by the way she makes time to help and discuss presentations and writing projects with me, as well as creating a safe space and offering an ear to any issues I may want to explore with her. I am blessed to know her.
My life is unequivocally better for having her in it, and I am by far not the only one who feels so. I think the photo included of her son and husband watching her march in the Gay Pride parade says it all!
Tarra Riley, Calgary, Alberta in honor of her friend, Deanne Barrett
Moms! How Special Are They?
Moms! How special are they,
with all that time spent helping their children grow every day;
A little more we flourish in every way,
because of a Mother’s devotion along the way?
Mentor to not only me but many you would influence in everything you do,
awards, letters of recognition and even the Queen’s medal was given to you;
Outstanding is how everyone always remembered all you did,
to me I was always so proud just to be your kid;
Thankful that you were always there supporting and guiding me,
because I grew up to grow wings that continue to set me free;
Honored you taught me about all in this world I would explore,
believe it or not this insight prepared me to never close a door;
Encouragement by you was fundamental to who your children have become,
you would be so proud, we are also now both like you, a great Mom;
Reminiscence always of the exceptional moments we shared,
Mom your girls are now amazing women because you always cared.
Moms, how special are they, to us you were elite in every way;
A little more you are missed as each new moment goes by,
we’ve dedicated this to you, Mom, it is so hard for us to say goodbye.
Connie Cook, Calgary, Alberta in honor of her mother, Gail Potter-Ko
Best Friend and Super Mom
Not long ago when we met so young, at work and at play we always had fun.
There for one another – had each other’s back, who knew there would be a life-long reason for that?
How amazing our stories came to be, somewhat mirrored and handled with grace, did we.
The illnesses and challenges you overcame, somehow you never viewed as a dark cloud, dear friend, how could I not be proud?
Forthright we met things head on, I am grateful our Mothers prepared us to be strong.
I’ll never forget your call that day, friend, I need you right away.
Suddenly our lives became even more like one another’s, as now we would also share being single Mothers.
Shift, life again all new, alone with baby, feelings, responsibilities, who knew? Both made decisions as Mothers often do, do what it takes, just to get through.
Yesterday, we didn’t have the support they receive today, but you made the best of Motherhood anyway.
You were always a best friend, really more of a Sister, but life threw in another twister.
Motherhood, everyday life, a great man, who would make you his wife.
There came a time as often friendships do, our lives got complex and separated for what seemed like a moment or two.
Our path reconnected, sharing stories, laughing again, the best part for me was seeing through your daughter’s eyes what a great Mom you became.
There’s no app for that, friend, you’ve got Motherhood down pat.
Today’s teenage girls handle more than they should have to bear, because of your loving devotion, your girl knows you’re always there.
A poem dedicated to you – teacher, supporter, adviser to mention a few, equipping your daughter to value the beauty inside, what a great mother are you!
Always my best friend, you know too much we always say, honored am I today. Sharing you’re an amazingly resilient mother, truly, like no other.
Connie Cook, Calgary, Alberta in honor of her friend, Michele Coughlin-Palmer
Most of us have done it. We have walked out on a loved one, slammed a door, said something we regretted or burst into rage or tears. I have been there screaming, “I will go crazy if you don’t do that!” I needed to learn emotional regulation skills. By the way, I did!
We tend to worry too much, resent too much, complain too much, and feel angry too much. Toddlers are known for their temper tantrums and teen-agers are known for their sullenness or screeching “I hate you!” Regrettably, some times, some adults are also known for not managing their emotions.
Researchers at The Heart Math Institute, Dr Bruce Perry, who works with traumatized children, and the late Dr Al Siebert, the resiliency researcher, have developed methods to help us regulate our emotions and, consequently, our behaviors.
What is Emotional Regulation?
It is a way to adapt our thoughts and help calm our feelings to circumvent our out-of-control reactions. Let me make it clear that we are not describing denying, stifling or bottling up emotions. Feelings actually need to be acknowledged before they can be contained and regulated.
Think of Emotional Regulation as self-soothing. Attentive parents bond to their infant children by holding, rocking, and meeting their needs. Later, attentive parents acknowledge what their children feel and help them name those feelings. These care giving behaviors set the grounding for our adult Emotional Regulation. Without this emotional foundation we are susceptible to emotional outbursts.
Yet, as independent adults we can discover and practice healthy self-soothing patterns. Psychology has researched and developed effective means for us to do that. To begin here is what happens when we become dis-regulated.
Five Steps to Blowing a Fuse
A situation or event triggers the lower, primitive part of the brain (older, survival or reptilian brain). Examples: You are called a rude name, are told you have lost your job or a relationship ends.
The primitive brain makes associations to past trauma (often from the first 4 years of life). Examples: being left alone in an unsafe situation, shamed or verbally, physically or sexually abused.
A flight, fright or freeze effect is activated. Heart rate increases, nerve ends tense, breathing becomes shallow, and senses become hyper vigilante.
The frontal or cortical area of the brain (thinking brain) shuts down. You can not think!
A reaction, versus calm and collected response, occurs. It feels as if you are exploding with words, gestures and/or physical action.
Dr Perry has said, “The only way to move from these super-high anxiety states, to calmer more cognitive states, is through rhythm. . . walking, running, singing, repetitive meditative breathing.” Here are five steps to help us to regain emotional regulation.
Five Steps to Emotional Regulation
A situation or event triggers the lower, primitive or older part of the brain (survival or reptilian brain).
Your frontal (thinking brain) is activated to remind you that you have a choice.
You choose to self-detach from your emotional state. You imagine being a fly on the wall as if watching yourself in a movie. You become no longer a hostage to your feelings.
You utilize or breathing or other self-soothing rhythms to bring you to calm.
You choose what to say or do next.
Five Ways to Strengthen Your Emotional Regulation
Develop a practice of breathing, meditation, yoga or dancing that you can rely upon. At the same time, develop a sense of a witness or high self who watches with detachment. Ah-so, all is well.
Deepen your sense of gratitude for moments of love, joy and disconnectedness.
Use the below 7 steps for small disturbances to help build your emotional regulation muscle.
Practice 7 Steps to Calm
Name your distress. Learn to recognize when your hands are sweaty, your heart pounding, and thoughts spinning.
Watch a breath go in your nostrils, into your heart, through your lungs and fill your belly.
Watch that same breath go out and imagine it flowing out and down to your toes. Do that again, again, and again.
Think of a pleasant time—a time in someone’s arms, watching a sun-set or laughing with a child.
Imagine yourself stepping back from the cause of your distress. You could imagine yourself sitting on the moon and noticing. Name your distress in personal terms—insecurity, fear, excluded. “Is there a better way for me to manage this present situation?”
Continue to notice and to breathe in and out of your heart. Gently ask yourself, “How can I take care of myself and how might I better manage this situation?”
Use your heart and mind to either accept the situation or take your best action.
How do you regulate your emotions? Or would you like to know more about emotional regulation and/or anger management? Leave a comment below and I will be sure to respond.
Those with excellent communication skills understand the power of single words and phrases. Often we give little thought to our use of many words including our use of but.
Frequently, when individuals hear the word but they automatically assume something disappointing, discouraging or devastating is going to be said. Sometimes it does, sometimes it does not. Yet, the mere word, but, following a positive comment can trigger many people into unconscious alert. Let’s explore this in more detail.
The Bad News about But
Have you ever been told, “I love you but . . .” and then you braced yourself for criticism? But negates the first part of the sentence. It makes beginning of the sentence before it irrelevant. Using but after stating a compliment or appreciation can essentially wipe it out. Here are three more examples:
“You’re beautiful but your behaviour is hurtful.”
“You did a good job but you made a big mistake.”
“I was going to give you a raise but you did not make the top ten spot.”
The Good News about But
It is well known that those with an extroverted preference tend to blurt out their thoughts without thinking them through. I call those moments Fumble Mouth. Often our thoughts tend to spill off our lips like a water fountain; sometimes sweet and innocent words and other times awkward, inappropriate or even rude words.
The word but can be used as a saving grace for these kinds of situations.
My point is that this tendency to wipe out the essence of the first part of the sentence can be used to get us out of our fumble mouth. Here is how to effectively use the word but. You can use but to repair a hasty and maybe hurtful comment. Here are some examples.
“There, you’ve got an oldie but goodie.”
“Your talk was short but effective.”
“You didn’t complete the job but that rarely happens.”
“You did not make the top ten spots but you are poised to be there next year.”
There are times that the word but will not mend the fumble mouth and instead an apology may be in order. The other alternative is that your unconscious mind is speaking loud and clear and you are best to get out of a relationship, a situation or an environment.
Let us know your experiences with fumble mouth and your use of but.But only if you want to!
“Cheerfulness, a trait that makes people respond more readily to humor, is linked to emotional resilience—the ability to keep a level head in difficult circumstances—and to close relationships.” Steve Ayan in Scientific America, April 2009
If your people snooze through a session you lose your investment of time and money. A humorous speaker brings a number of advantages to you and your event. Here are some findings from research about the benefits of healthy humor and how it is linked to audience satisfaction:
Humor:
helps attract, maintain and refocus an audience’s attention.
creates a sense of audience participation. They move when laughing.
helps those in the audience to relax.
improves listeners’ alertness, memory and retention.
provides comic relief to many dry and serious subjects.
assists the audience to rise above their problems by offering a different and often creative perspective.
adds a sense of play, fun, and creativity.
opens people up to optimism and possibilities.
makes discovery, awareness, learning enjoyable.
As a Motivational Speaker, Patricia and her woe to WOW presentations have been described as upbeat, insightful and fun. Don’t expect stand up comedy but do expect a brighter and lighter side of work and life. Meeting planners and audiences describe Patricia’s upbeat style best:
“Patricia has shown us all how to bounce back from life’s trials with humor and resilience.” Ron Sheppard, Parkland Regional Library
“The audience really loved your use of humor together with your down to earth way of presenting.” Kim Bridgland, West Moreton Women’s Health, Australia
“Patricia is an exciting, warm and energizing speaker who showed us all how to inject humor into the day to day work of caring for marginalized children and young people.” Peter Melrose, PeakCare Qld Australia
“Best of all her humor makes her presentations energizing, fun and thought provoking.” Linda Edgecombe, CSP, life perspective specialist and professional speaker
“We appreciated her humor, personal stories and easy going approach.” Lori Rehill, Executive Director, Victim Assistance Society
“We all need to be reminded to take care of ourselves and not take ourselves to seriously and Patricia does it in a humorous and enchanting way.” Kathleen Kellner, International Special Event Society
“Her humorous reminders of how to be resilient are part of my new goals for daily living.” Jane Chapman, Red Deer Catholic School District
“You touched a lot of women with your sincere, open, honest and humorous presentation.” Diane Scheibner, Empowering Women Conference
“Many valued your humor as well as knowledge of workplace situations.” Val Tucker, Powerhouse Community Learning
“Your humor, fun, and creative touches, kept everyone captivated and wanting more.”
Michelle Tamashiro, Alberta Family Child Care Association
“You are a fun, entertaining, thought provoking, and conference enhancing speaker.”
Patricia Fripp, Past President, National Speakers Association
Self discovery and personal growth are key to a meaningful life. Repeatedly, I see evidence of this truth. Increasingly, I see younger adults enter my therapy space because of ‘aha’ moments. Consider this message from a mere twenty-two-year-old:
Help me find a reason to care.
Life is bland, everything in the world is about working on one thing or another. I simply don’t care about money, about love, about possessions. Life feels like a chore. I can’t think of anything that I am happy about, anything that I am grateful for. Why am I fighting so hard for the things I don’t care about?
This message represents the ‘aha’ thought of “I want something more, but I don’t know what. There’s something to discover but I don’t know how. But maybe someone can help me.”
Both personal growth and self discovery allow people, like this new client, to uncover their passions, values, and strengths. When people understand themselves better, they can align their actions and decisions with what truly matters to them, leading to a sense of satisfaction.
Have You Experienced a Life-Altering Moment?
What about you? Have you ever experienced a moment that altered your life path? A moment where your perspective shifted, leading you down a new path filled with insight and clarity? These moments can come from various sources – a person’s words, a thought, or a painful, surprising, or joyful experience. Commitment to personal growth or self discovery moves those moments into action.
Defining Personal Growth and Self Discovery
Personal growth refers to the ongoing process of developing our capabilities, skills, and self-awareness while attending to our physical, emotional, intellectual, and social well-being. For most of us, it involves reflection and a willingness to take on challenges to continually learn and grow. The focus is on continuous growth and becoming the best version of oneself.
Self discovery focuses on self-awareness on a deeper level. It is about making the unconscious conscious. We can gain insight into our beliefs, emotions, values, identity, strengths, weaknesses, passions, desires, coping patterns, and life purpose. It is a journey of self-acceptance and personal healing, while gaining clarity about who you are, what you want, and what drives you.
Self Discovery and Personal Growth Benefits
Self discovery and personal growth build our resilience to face challenges with adaptability and healthy coping strategies. They both support us to live authentically and create a sense of belonging to caring for others. Both require a mindset that supports lifelong learning and a sense of curiosity and creativity that leads to personal, and often, professional development.
Ultimately self discovery and personal growth lead to a life full of meaning, purpose, and well-being.
Three Personal Aha Moments of Self Discovery and Personal Growth
1. Confronting Shame
In my 20s, I faced the reality of my own trauma. In an anger rage I hit our beloved daughter and then collapsed in tears of shame and self-loathing. This moment led me to seek therapy, where I discovered the healing power of vulnerability and self-improvement. As Will Rogers aptly put it,
“The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if it doesn’t get the best of you.”
Because of this experience and subsequent therapy, I changed my poor thought patterns and ineffective coping patterns. I committed myself to personal growth by going back to school (I had dropped out of high school) and began to relate and live aligned with my core values.
2. Embracing Identity and Self-Worth
Sometimes, a simple exchange with another person can trigger a profound shift in our self-perception. The night I met my mentor, therapist and shaman, Gwendolyn Jansma, her words challenged me to rethink how I saw myself. She told me, “You say your name is Pat Morgan. But that is a small name for such a magnificent woman. Are you not Patricia?” I flashed back to my childhood and my feelings of fear every time I was yelled at with Patricia! But in that moment with Gwen, I decided I was a safe adult and was ready to live in the fullness of my name. I answered, “Yes, my name is Patricia.”
3. Discovering Unconditional Love:
Our oldest daughter ran away from home at age sixteen. My identity as an Early Childhood Educator and loving mother, was challenged. In a therapy session, I made the decision to mail her a letter every month and through the process discovered the power of unconditional love. After eleven years of writing monthly letters, we truly connected and eventually co-authored the critically acclaimed book, “Love Her As She Is: Lessons from a Daughter Stolen by Addictions.”
Obviously, a healing process was involved with these life changing moments.
Therapy: Help to Access Personal Growth and Self Discovery
As mentioned above, therapy is closely aligned with personal growth and particularly self discovery. Here’s how:
Self Discovery in Therapy: Therapy often involves techniques such as introspection, reflection, and exploration of thoughts and emotions. It invites people to gain insight into past experiences, and patterns of behavior.
Personal Growth in Therapy: Therapists can help clients set goals, build resilience, and develop coping strategies that increase self-confidence, assertiveness, and emotional regulation.
Integration with Healing: When we heal from past trauma, we can better overcome obstacles and develop inner strength.
Alignment with Therapeutic Approaches: Many therapeutic modalities, such as positive psychology, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), and humanistic-existential therapy, incorporate elements of self discovery and personal growth into their approaches.
Long-Term Benefits: The self discovery and personal growth fostered in therapy have long-term benefits for mental, emotional, and relational health.
Therapy offers numerous advantages for personal growth and self discovery, providing individuals with valuable skills, insights, and support leading to a deeper personal understanding of self.
In Conclusion:
In essence, self discovery provides the insight and self-awareness needed to embark on a journey of personal growth, while personal growth enriches and deepens self-understanding. Whether through therapy or other means, my wish for you is to have ‘aha’ moments that not only lead you to self discovery and growth, but affirm you are lovable, capable, and resilient.
In September 2022, the renowned Canadian physician, trauma and addiction author, Gabor Maté with his son, Daniel Mate’ released “The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture.”
In this publication, he challenges our usual take-it-for-granted perspectives about what we settle on as ‘normal’, particularly regarding mental health. Be forewarned, at 567 pages, it is a dense read filled with stories, insightful quotations, research references, and lists of academic sources. However, it is beautifully and courageously written, and if you are interested in the issue of mental health, it is a worthy and enriching read.
Overview of “The Myth of Normal”
Maté argues that society’s definition of normal often leads to damaging biases and stigmas. He emphasizes that depression, anxiety, and addiction are not isolated problems but rather symptoms of deep underlying societal issues. He gives more than ample reasoning for childhood abuse and neglect, along with societal factors such as poverty, racism, sexism and social inequality, being the root causes of masses of people living with trauma. He describes how trauma manifests in physical symptoms and emotional dysregulation, and how individuals often develop coping mechanisms, such as addiction or self-destructive behaviors, merely to survive.
Drawing from his clinical practice, Mate’ discusses how people can begin to heal from trauma by developing self-awareness, building support systems, and engaging in psychotherapy and mindfulness practices.
He daringly criticizes the pharmaceutical industry for advocating the mass use of medication to manage mental health. He advocates for addressing our social and psychological problems as the healthiest solution. He offers profound and compelling reasons to embrace a deeper, more complex, and more compassionate understanding of human behavior and mental health challenges.
Basic Concepts of The Myth of Normal
In many ways, our societal concept of ‘normal’ is skewed, illogical, and contributes to the stigmatization of others while jeopardizing the well-being of all of us. Consider the issues of consumerism, poverty, racism, sexism, and inequality.
Cultural toxicity needs to be named and changed. When we, the citizens, make a public outcry, rally, and call for solutions to societal problems, political will often follows.
Trauma separates us from our bodies, splits us off from our gut feelings, limits our response flexibility, and fosters a shame-based view of ourselves. It also distorts our view of the world and keeps us from being in the present moment.
Acknowledging the body-mind connection is key to our emotional, mental, physical, and societal well-being.
Many common mental health issues, such as depression and addiction, are not isolated problems but symptoms of deeper underlying traumas.
Healing principles include personal agency, acceptance, healthy anger, and compassion as well as five levels of compassion.
Trauma, especially experienced during childhood, plays a significant role in shaping our mental health and behavior later in life.
People often develop coping mechanisms, such as addiction or self-destructive behaviors, to survive and deal with trauma.
The medicalization of mental health often prioritizes pharmaceutical interventions over addressing the root causes of mental illness.
Our minds can create madness or meaning.
Societal factors like poverty, racism, and social inequality can contribute to trauma and exacerbate mental health issues.
Developing self-awareness, self-compassion, building supportive relationships, and engaging in therapeutic modalities are essential steps in healing from trauma.
All of us can contribute to a saner world.
20 Gabor Mate’ Quotes
“Where do we each fit on the broad and surprisingly inclusive trauma spectrum? . . . And what possibilities would open up were we to become more familiar, even intimate, with them?”
“Trauma is a psychic injury, lodged in our nervous system, mind, and body, lasting long past the originating incident(s), triggerable at any moment.”
“We physicians frequently dole out large doses of synthesized stress hormones for inflammations of the skin, joints, brain, intestines, lungs, kidneys, and so on. We do so for a good reason: hormones often alleviate or ameliorate symptoms, albeit with many potentially hazardous side effects.”
“Authenticity. . . it means simply this: knowing our gut feelings when they arise and honoring them.”
“The lack of authenticity makes itself known through tension or anxiety, irritability or regret, depression, or fatigue.”
“The dilemma is this: What happens if our needs for attachment are imperiled by our authenticity, our connection to what we truly feel? . . . Although both needs are essential, there is a pecking order: in the first phase of life, attachment unfailingly tops the bill.”
“I have said that acquired personality traits such as excessive identification with socially imposed duty, role, and responsibility at the expense of one’s own needs can jeopardize health.”
“It is we who are made in the image of our distorted, disordered, denatured world—the better to keep it running, even as it runs us into the ground.”
“The two leading misconceptions: that addiction is either the product of “bad choices” or else a “disease.” Both fail to explain this unrelenting societal plague, just as they hobble our efforts toward remedying it.”
“Diagnoses are abstractions, or summaries: sometimes helpful, always incomplete . . . The psychiatrist, author, and leading trauma researcher Bruce Perry has come to disdain diagnoses almost completely.”
“It’s about our hurting world, manifesting the illusions and myths of a culture alienated from our essence.”
“We know that chronic stress, whatever its source, puts the nervous system on edge, distorts the hormonal apparatus, impairs immunity, promotes inflammation, and undermines physical and mental well-being.”
“Simply put, the more meaningful you find your life, the better your measures of mental and physical health are likely to be.”
“The taboo against vulnerability, in particular, is deeply harmful to men as well as to women. . . Male domination exacts a high price in both directions, and by all indicators, it costs more than it pays.”
“Friedrich Nietzsche wrote somewhere that people lie their way out of reality when they have been hurt by reality.”
“True healing simply means opening ourselves to the truth of our lives, past and present, as plainly and objectively as we can. “
“None of us need be perfect, nor exercise saintly compassion, nor reach any emotional or spiritual benchmark before we can say we’re on the healing path. All we need is readiness to participate in whatever process wants to unfold within us so that healing can happen naturally.”
“Both anger suppressed, and anger amplified out of proportion are toxic. Anger in its natural, healthy form is a boundary defense, a dynamic activated when we perceive a threat to our lives or our physical or emotional integrity.”
“Healing, in a sense, is about unlearning the notion that we need to protect ourselves from our own pain. In this way, compassion is a gateway to another essential quality: courage.”
“There is more to each of us than the conditioned personalities we present to the world, the suppressed or untrammeled emotions we act out, and the behaviors we exhibit. Understanding this allows for what I call the compassion of possibility.”
Conclusion
Gabor Mate’ may have lofty beliefs about healing ourselves and the planet, but as the motivational speaker Les Brown said, ‘Better to aim high and miss than to aim low and hit.” It is better to name problems and suggest well researched and validated solutions that stand by silently or chronically complaining. I commend Mate’s lifelong pursuit to find answers to our personal and societal issues.
My wish for you, whether you read ‘The Myth of Normal’ or not, is to explore your possibilities of living authentically, perhaps seek therapy, and to do what you can to create a more peaceful, kind, and compassionate world.
When you step into the realm of Psychology 101, you inevitably encounter Freud’s ego states of id, ego, and super ego. The concept attempts to describe our self-identity, and childhood influences on our thoughts, behaviors, and interactions. But it doesn’t stop there. Understanding ego states really flourished when, in the 1950s. Eric Berne, an American psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, pioneered Transactional Analysis (TA), making psychological concepts accessible to the public. He took a deep dive into identifying each ego state he saw in action.
Berne shed light on the idea of compartmentalizing thoughts in our heads. He emphasized the role of caregivers or parents in shaping our internal dialogue, that is our self-talk. Whether you were raised by parents, grandparents or other caregivers, their voices persist in your mind.
Of note, is that ego state work is often referred to as Inner Child work or Family of Origin healing.
In the 1970s my hubby Les and I attended several personal development retreats with Clark Read a Transactional Analysis (TA) and Gestalt Therapist. Our experience was helpful, healing, and powerful. We discovered that understanding and utilizing ego states minimized family conflict and miscommunication. Here are brief descriptions of Berne’s proposed primary and different states, each serving different functions:
Parent Ego State
This Ego State is comprised of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are copied or adapted from the individual’s parents or other authority figures. It represents the learned and internalized lessons and values from childhood caregivers. The Parent Ego State can be nurturing and supportive (Nurturing Parent) or critical and controlling (Critical Parent).
Adult Ego State
The Adult Ego State is the rational and objective part of an individual’s personality. It processes information, makes decisions based on current data, and is responsible for problem-solving. It is essentially the part of the individual that operates in the “here and now.”
Child Ego State
The Child Ego State consists of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that are remnants of an individual’s childhood experiences and emotions. It is divided into two further subdivisions:
Adapted Child: This aspect of the Child Ego State reflects behaviors and feelings that have been adapted to please or conform to parental expectations or societal norms.
Natural Child (Free Child): This part of the Child Ego State represents spontaneous and unaltered emotions such as creativity, curiosity, and joyfulness. It embodies the more genuine and less adapted aspects of an individual’s personality.
Ego States are used to analyze and understand interpersonal dynamics, communication, and the underlying thought and feeling patterns that influence our behaviors. By recognizing and working with Ego States, individuals can gain insight into their own behaviors and relationships, fostering personal growth and more effective communication. That was certainly Les’ and my experience. We affirm that navigating your inner world can help heal past wounds, and promote self-awareness and self-discovery.
Ego State Quotes
These quotations highlight the transformative potential of Ego State Therapy.
“The Parent ego state consists of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are copied from parents and other authority figures. The Adult ego state is focused on processing information in a rational and objective way. The Child ego state is made up of feelings and behaviors that are replayed from early childhood.” Eric Berne in Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy
“Recognizing and understanding your own ego states can be a powerful tool for self-awareness and personal development. It allows you to choose how you respond to situations rather than reacting automatically.” Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward in Born to Win: Transactional Analysis with Gestalt Experiments
You can see why the term inner child is often associated with Eric Bernes’ work as well as therapists such as John Bradshaw and Alice Miller. While ego states are a fundamental concept in Transactional Analysis, Inner Child Work is a therapeutic approach that can be incorporated into various therapeutic models. The alignment between the two concepts is based on their shared focus on understanding and healing the inner child, as well as promoting emotional healing, self-awareness, and personal growth.
IFS: A Current Ego State Model
Currently Internal Family Systems (IFS) is popular in therapy circles. Developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, it gained credibility in the 1990s and is designed to address a wide range of emotional and psychological issues, including trauma, anxiety, and depression.
Like Berne’s framework, IFS therapy is based on the idea that individuals have multiple inner parts or subpersonalities. However, it has a different structure of identifying ego states. Schwartz, in his book, No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems, describes our parts and gives them names such as Firefighters, Managers, and Caretakers. IFS emphasizes the importance of self-leadership, the compassionate exploration of inner parts, and the healing of internal conflicts to promote emotional healing and personal growth.
Recommendations for Therapists
I found Robin Shapiro’s book, Easy Ego State Interventions: Strategies for Working with Parts, published in 2015 a helpful guide. My own book, Return to Center: Simple Strategies for Navigating Distress, Depression, and Disconnectionhas a helpful section relating to ego states.
The Ego States of Big Me and Little Me
For practical self-help practice an alternative ego state model can be helpful. Here we introduce the concept of Big Me (Wise Me or Grown-up Me) and Little Me
(Emotional Me or Child Me). The Big Me represents the wise, compassionate, understanding voice within us, reassuring us that it’s okay to make mistakes and that we are inherently lovable. The Little Me, on the other hand, embodies emotions, vulnerability, and self-doubt.
Messages from Big Me to Little Me
Here are some messages you can give your Little Me from your Big Me:
“You are lovable, no matter what you do. The day you were born, you were lovable and that has not changed. You are lovable.” –
“You are capable. You demonstrate you are capable when you use your strengths, when you use your humor to lighten the atmosphere or organize a meeting or help someone with compassion.”
A third “you are” statement: “You are resilient. You can bounce back from any challenge, any error, any sort of big change, loss, grief, and feelings. You can bounce back.”
These truths provide the foundation for a healthy, balanced self-identity.
Conclusion about Ego State Therapy
May you continue to deepen your understanding of ego states, remain curious about parts of yourself that show up in unexpected interactions, and continue to develop self-compassion.
My favorite Positive Psychology book is Flourishby Dr. Martin Seligman. For many years I have been a fan of Seligman, a psychologist and founder of Positive Psychology. I was thrilled in 2009 to attend the first World Congress on Positive Psychology in Philadelphia. Yes, I met him, shook his hand, and even asked him to read and endorse one of my books. That didn’t pan out, but I remain a student of his work.
I have read his books Learned Optimism, What You Can Change and What You Can’t, and Authentic Happiness. When Seligman released Flourish, I asked, “What more did he have to say?” The answer was plenty! Seligman is a researcher, questioner, and thinker. I appreciate that he is willing to re-think his research findings, theories, and positioning.
Overview of Flourish
First, Seligman explains that he was never satisfied with the perception that was created by focusing on the word happiness in his popular book, Authentic Happiness. He has shifted his focus from the state of happiness to emphasize the importance of flourishing and well-being. In Flourish Seligman presents the acronym PERMA.
P – Positive Emotions – feeling love, joy, and pleasure.
E – Engagement–being in flow and focused on our activities.
R – Relationships – having healthy, supportive, and rewarding connections with others.
M – Meaning – giving significance to the events in our lives.
A – Accomplishments – attaining goals that support our core values.
Basic Concepts of Flourish
Seligman explores the concepts of self-esteem, optimism, vitality, self-determination and my main interest, resilience. Within the topic of resilience, he describes a process for mental toughness, as well as the elements of Post Traumatic Growth, a most unusual but powerful concept.
Seligman describes the positivity research findings of his colleague, Barbara Fredrickson. She discovered: “Companies with better than a 2.9 ratio for positive to negative statements are flourishing.” He also refers to marriage expert, John Gottman, who discovered that couples who use a ratio of five positive comments to one negative were in healthy and long-lasting relationships.
Seligman includes the effective use of his VIA Character Strengths. Anyone and everyone can take Seligman’s FREE 240 question VIA Character Strengths inventory.
Included in the test are many quick lists and quizzes including checking your physical, emotional, social, and spiritual fitness.
Sprinkled throughout the book are exercises to develop and strengthen well-being. They include:
Kindness: Do one unexpected act of kindness such as paying for someone’s parking meter and then notice how you feel.
Gratitude Visit: After writing a letter of gratitude to someone who has done something significant for you, deliver it to read it face-to-face.
Three Blessings: Before going to bed each night for a week write down three experiences that happened that day that went well.
Forgiveness Letter: Write a letter delving into how you were wounded and your related feelings, ending with a commitment to forgive.
Optimism: List three doors that were closed (losses) and then list what doors opened.
10 Martin Seligman Quotes
“I don’t mind being wrong, and I don’t mind changing my mind.”
“When we take time to notice the things that go right – it means we’re getting a lot of little rewards throughout the day.”
“We think too much about what goes wrong and not enough about what goes right in our lives. Of course, sometimes it makes sense to analyze bad events so that we can learn from them and avoid them in the future. However, people tend to spend more time thinking about what is bad in life than is helpful. Worse, this focus on negative events sets up for anxiety and depression. One way to keep this from happening is to get better at thinking about and savoring what went well.”
“The more friends and the more love in your life, the less illness.”
“If we just wanted positive emotions, our species would have died out a long time ago.”
“Merciless criticism often makes us dig in our heels in defense, or worse, makes us helpless. We don’t change. We do change, however, when we discover what is best about ourselves and when we see specific ways to use our strengths more.”
“Optimists take action and have healthier lifestyles. Optimists believe that their actions matter, whereas pessimists believe they are helpless and nothing they do will matter. Optimists try, while pessimists lapse into passive helplessness.”
“There are some things we care about instinctively: water, food, shelter, sex. But most of what we care about is learned.”
if you feel gratitude, it means you think that someone has just demonstrated that he or she cares about you as a person and will be there for you in the future. Gratitude marks opportunities to solidify relationships with people who seem to care.
“A calling . . . is done for its own sake. You would do it anyway, with no pay and no promotions. “Try to stop me!” is what your heart cries when you are thwarted.”
Summary:
In this work, Seligman covers a lot of territories describing the use of Positive Psychology to enhance people’s lives within marriage, education, corporations, and the armed services. His research and process help us flourish, build resilience, and achieve a state of well-being.
We know we have the basic human needs of water, food, air, and shelter to survive. We could continue to exist while feeling fearful, depressed, angry, and disconnected from one another. But we humans have evolved beyond merely existing. We want more. We want to succeed. We want to flourish. We want joy, love, connection, fun, meaning, and life purpose.
But many of us are not aware of what is missing, nor what is creating our life dissatisfaction. We can get stuck in states of anxiety or depression or living with other mental health issues.
Neglecting our human needs can lead to psychological and stress-related problems, and perhaps illness. Meeting or not meeting our needs affect the essence of our humanity – our emotional, mental, social, and life-purpose needs. When we can name a problem, we can solve the problem. When we identify our human needs, we can then take steps to improve our well-being.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
It was in 1943 that Abraham Maslow proposed A Theory of Human Motivation. For decades, The Maslow Hierarchy of Needs framework has been in use in personal development, psychology, sociology, social work, health care and education courses. You may recognize the pyramid diagram which categorizes basic needs, psychological needs and then self-fulfilment needs.
Physiological needs provide the ground level of well-being. Indeed, the theory proposes we cannot move up the pyramid until the lower needs are met. It makes sense that if our body is malnourished, we will not focus on feeling safe. We will risk getting a loaf of bread (think Les Miserables) to survive. Likewise, if we do not feel safe in our surroundings, we are more apt to flee than try to connect with others to satisfy a need to belong. Then come esteem needs and then self-actualization as the highest evolved need.
Other theorists, researchers, and even personal development guru, Tony Robbins have developed alternate human needs lists. It was when I began studying the work of UK Uncommon Knowledge hypnosis trainers, Mark Tyrrell and Roger Elliott, that I was introduced to a list called, Primal Human Needs.
7 Basic Human Needs
Here I have modified some of these lists, but the basic philosophy of human needs is intact.
Exercise:
Score each need from 0 (Unfulfilled) to 10 (Totally Satisfied)
For any score under 7, determine what you can do to satisfy that need.
1. The Need to Attend to the Body
As mentioned, we have a basic and primal need to survive. Take care of your body. It is your life vessel, the container of everything that is you. The fitness industry makes millions of dollars telling us how to:
Get at least 7 hours of sleep daily.
It doesn’t matter whether you take a walk or climb a mountain.
Eat sensibly with ample nutritional value.
2. The Need for Safety and Security
Our autonomic nervous system has an alarm signal for danger called the amygdala. Our amygdala can be triggered into the fight, flee or collapse response when we have challenges with finances, health, or relationships. Consider those who live with domestic violence, or are first responders, or go to war. The level of pressure on these people can easily affect their mental health.
Regrettably, our thoughts can trigger cues of danger as easily as a bear chasing us. Many of us live with unresolved distress. We were traumatized. Consequently, most of us need not only physical, but emotional safety in our environment.
We need to live in a stable environment that supports our ability to spend some time, if not most of our time, in a calm, grounded, centered state.
Record the times your amygdala fires and you defend, argue, leave the room, shut down, or give up. What took away your sense of safety? Was it a thought (E.g. “I’m stupid”), something you saw ( a snake) or something someone said (“F*ck you!”) or did (Cut you off in traffic). These are your cues of emotional danger.
If you listed external triggers, think about how you can minimize time in those places with those people or circumstances.
If you listed internal triggers such as negative self-talk, journal those thoughts, share them with your confidante, take a personal development program or arrange several counselling sessions.
Please, if you suspect you live with trauma, see a trauma informed therapist.
Another strategy is to build your sense of security by becoming more physically fit or take a course to enhance your skills and knowledge.
3. The Need to Give and Receive Attention
In 2018 the World Health Organization announced, “Loneliness is the new pandemic!” Isolation or lack of social contact can affect our emotional, mental, and behavioral patterns. Research indicates that connection to others is the best anti-dote for depression. We need one another, and for more than just our romantic other.
Ensure you connect with other people at least twice a week.
Do not exceed speaking for more than your 50% allotment.
4. The Need for Community and Meaningful Contribution
Our circle of life can become too small and too personal, narrowing our experience of a vast world. We need experiences with a larger reality than our household activities. Volunteering is one way to expand our existence. Research has resulted in the term volunteer high because it was found that people feel better after they do an act of altruism. Tyrrell wrote, “This basic need gives us a reason for being, over and above our own personal needs, that has been shown to benefit the immune system, mental health, and happiness.”
Join one or more social, service, study, hobby, or faith groups.
Notice what stirs your heart about a societal problem. If seeing homeless people bothers you, find some way to make a difference. Find your cause!
5. The Need for Challenge and Creativity
You’ve heard “Use it or lose it.” That is true for using all our bodies’ muscles including our brains. Lifelong learning can reduce the risk of developing dementia. We are wise to allow our curiosity to move us to explore, experiment, make mistakes, learn, and grow new neurons. Boredom can dim our lights, so challenge yourself, and brighten your outlook.
Recall what you enjoyed when you were a child. What kind of adventures did you take? What was fun when you were learning through play?
Sign up for a class in something, anything. Even better, notice what you admire that someone else can do. You can learn to do that too!
6. The Need for a Confidante or Two
We all need at least one person with whom we can feel emotionally safe to share our thoughts, fears, problems, hopes, and dreams. Tyrrell wrote, “Some people are able to fulfil this need by talking to a loved pet, but most of us need a small circle of loving and supportive friends and/or family.”
If you have an intimate partner, have rituals that allow time to cherish one another. Weekly, take Us Time. If that is not possible arrange something significant at least monthly. Build in daily love gestures such as a morning hug and a good-night kiss. Daily, physical embraces are good indicators of a robust love relationship.
However, if you are single, have at least three friends or relatives to whom you can easily pour out your heart. Don’t get stuck thinking, “I am human and I need to be loved by a lover.” Let your circle love you up!
If supportive family or friends live a distance, away pick up the phone or use Facetime or Zoom to connect.
If you do not have emotionally safe people in your life, hire a therapist. You may need to learn what emotional safety feels like, and how to provide it to others before experiencing it in your own life.
7. The Need to Be Deserving or Important
Tyrell and Elliott refer to this human need as The Need for Status, but I prefer describing it as a sense of importance, knowing we matter. We all want to believe we are lovable, capable, and valuable. And we long to have this truth confirmed. I’ve never met anyone who does not benefit from being seen, heard, acknowledged and appreciated. We need one another to recognize our worthiness. Along the way, it is wise to remember we are all important, not superior, or inferior to anyone else.
If you compare yourself to others, realize doing so is human nature, but it does little good. We can all find someone who is doing worse or better than ourselves. Do your best and know that is enough.
Know your strengths, a combination of skill, knowledge, and talent. If you don’t know your strengths, take an inventory.
Give what you can. Use your strengths at home, work, and community.
Assess the value you give others and the world. Consider all you do at home, work, and community. Consider what it would cost to pay someone to do those tasks. What would it cost to pay someone to prepare and serve all the meals? What about childcare costs, laundry, and cleaning cost?
Do something today to make a difference to someone else. Now, that is making yourself important.
Be Flexible Meeting Your Needs
Consider how you can meet several needs in flexible and efficient ways. For example, inviting people for a meal can accomplish meeting the needs for nourishing food, being creative, and developing community.
Have a variety of ways to meet your needs so that when one source of fulfillment changes or collapses you have a buffer. For example, what happens if you only have one friend, who is your confidante and with whom you only going bowling? You put yourself at risk if that friend cuts off the relationship or life circumstances inhibit the two of you connecting. What if you can no longer physically go bowling. You lose physical activity, your safe bowling alley environment, your social life, and potentially your only friend and confidante.
Remember you not only have the right to meet your human needs, but you will also stay more mentally healthy by doing so.