T-shirt slogan: I LOVE Slave Lake, One Year Stronger

May 14 2012 was the anniversary of the Slave Lake, Alberta fire which destroyed approximately one-third of the buildings and left 732 people homeless.

On May 11, I was honoured to participate in a community resiliency project with other presenters such as Dr. Wayne Hammond and Spencer Beach. I learned much and was affirmed in my message of “You’re stronger than you think.”

The Building a Resilient Community Committee bought many copies of my little,  Frantic Free: 167 Ways to Calm Down and Lighten Up.  In the customized printing we included the following message from the committee:

“Following life-changing events, it is important to take care of yourself.  This mini-book is designed to provide you with useful tools for managing distress.  We hope that you enjoy this resource and are able to share it with your family and friends.

Wishing you and your family resiliency, friendship and joy!”

At the event I led participants to explore who were their resilient role models throughout the year and how they were personally strengthened by their experience.  There were moments I felt touched by these citizens who have survived and appear to now be thriving.

Slave Lake is a relatively prosperous community with teen-agers making up to $15 an hour.  Those with good house insurance are building lovely new homes.  Some people even enjoyed the purchase of new clothes and home furnishings.  Some Slave Lake residents were dismayed that, following the fire, truck loads of unneeded goods were sent to them.  I was reminded that it is a very good idea to first ask those who face adversity, “What would be helpful to you?”  Of course those who lost their homes needed temporary housing and empathic support to heal the trauma of such a loss.

But despite, the varied opinions and perspectives on how the fire has changed Slave Lake and its residents, I left agreeing that Slave Lake is a resilient community.  They’re back on track with a popular mayor, Karina Pillay-Kinnee (it’s her third term), extensive home building and bustling stores.  On May 13, 2011, the Calgary Herald featured an article about “the aftermath of last year’s massive Slave Lake fire.”  Many of the quotations from residents support my experience:

• “I think it (the fire) has made me and my family stronger, just trying to keep united and positive with what went on.”

Gail Hughes, teacher assistant who lives in a temporary, mobile home

• “You think about all the things you had, and you think, ‘Is that all necessary?’  We had so much stuff, how much of it did we actually need, and how much of it was just there for no reason?  I don’t want too much anymore.  Just a roof over my head, food in the fridge and the TV.”

Neil Dickson, oilfield worker

• “I think we make the most out of every day.  We enjoy every sunny day, we enjoy even the rain.”

Susan Al-Mais, business owner

• “I’ve probably gained a far better appreciation of the people who work in emergency services, town employees and our elected officials. . .  This community is so much closer together now.  The thing that really strikes me in an event like this is that it makes acquaintances become friends, and friends become family.”

Doug Babiy, Owner of Slave Lake Ford Sales Ltd.

• “It’s made me stronger as a person to get up and experience new things and not to rely on the past, but to rely on the future ahead of me.”

Ivy Gaskell, Slave Lake Regional Library employee

Let these Slave Lake lessons inspire you to:

1. Appreciate what you have.
2. Avoid getting hung up on what you don’t have and want to have.
3. Love and appreciate those around you who help keep your family and community strong.
4. Live in the moment, the hour and the day.
5. Be open to letting go the past and embrace your future.
6. Consider the gifts that have come your way through challenge and adversity.
7. Realize, “You’re stronger than you think.”

The Basic Listening Skills described below only require a commitment and a wee bit of practice.

Step One: Sit down so that you can both be attentive and relaxed.  Indicate you are listening with open body language and words, “I’m listening.”

Add Silence

Step Two: 1) Now and then say, “Thank you,” or “Okay,” or “Tell me more.”

2) When you don’t understand say, “I don’t understand.” (or “Help me understand.”)

Add, “Please tell me that a different way.”

Step Three: Add to Step Two.  When you hear emotion in the voice, catch the word or phrase associated with the feeling and say, “Tell me . . .” Example:  “Tell me more about doing it all alone.”

Add Silence

Optional: Those with a strong feeling vocabulary can help the speaker by guessing what feelings may be under the words.  “Sounds like you are feeling sad.”  Feelings tell us everything about what is important to us but little about how to manage the world.  The best of listening helps the speaker discover his or her inner world of thoughts and feelings.

Optional: Ask a few open-ended questions using how, who, what, when and where to help you follow the speaker’s story.  Be careful not to ask a lot of questions as they tend to take us back into thinking mode.  To begin, we want the speaker to engage with their internal feelings.  Questions, however, can be very helpful once we are ready to think about solutions.

Optional: When feelings calm, summarize in one sentence the problem or theme. “Sounds like you don’t feel valued here.”

Optional: When feelings calm, invite the speaker to problem solve and ask, “Do you want to talk about some solutions to this problem?”

Note: The above is an excerpt from the book From Woe to WOW: How Resilient Women Succeed at Work.

The motivational speaker, Zig Ziglar, once said, “People often say that motivation doesn’t last.  Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”  The same philosophy holds true for listening, whether in intimate, family or working-relationship interactions. Over and over again, attending to other’s messages is crucial for successful relationships.

When researching for my book, From Woe to WOW: How Resilient Women Succeed at Work, I felt surprised that only seven survey respondents (out of 376) described using listening to support them or deal with adversity.  One woman reported that when, “team members were burning out, there was a rippling effect on the team.”  She, “listened, created new opportunities for them when able, said no more consistently and let things go.”  Listening can be a powerful remedy to other’s discontent.  Alternatively, lack of listening can create disconnect and loss of respect.

Years ago, I weakened a friendship.  My friend came by train for a weekend visit.  With my typical enthusiasm, I shared with her many aspects of my life explaining all the details from the story behind planting the tulips to how I had successfully toilet trained our youngest child.  Then, I shared some more and some more.  To her credit, once back in her own home, she wrote me a letter telling me how she left feeling invisible, unappreciated and disconnected.  After buckets of tears, I vowed I would learn to listen.

Through a caring ear, others will sense that we respect them, are present and are safe for the sharing.  The old cliché, it is useful to have a sounding board is true.  The late poet and author, Alice Duer Miller, described it like this, “You can listen like a blank wall or like a splendid auditorium where every sound comes back fuller and richer.”  Sometimes, we need a mirror, someone to witness our struggle or joy, someone to witness who we are.

When we are in a high feeling state, there is little energy to fuel clear thinking.  The brain goes on automatic pilot.  Some people appear to flip into another personality. Agnes might suddenly turn into Anxious Agnes, Angry Anne, or Suffering Sally.  Listening helps bring people’s brains back to a functioning mode.  Don’t ask a sobbing or fist-clenched employee when a report will be complete.  Listen first.

Few of us know how to really listen.  Here are some facts:

• 75 percent of the time, we are distracted, preoccupied or forgetful
• More than 35 business studies indicate that listening is a top skill needed for success in business
• Less than two percent of us have had formal education about listening.
  Source: TrinityCollege

Most of us have blocks to effective listening.  We may become triggered by elevated feeling states and begin to argue rather and listen.  Argue with a person’s feelings and those feelings may escalate into feeling frustrated or even rage.  People who feel heard and validated tend to calm.

Another tendency is to jump to the conclusion that a described problem is our problem.  We take on the problem ownership.  “What did I do wrong?  What didn’t I do?  What am I supposed to do differently?”  Many of us snap into fixing other’s problems. Sometimes we take over and sometimes we give inappropriate or uninvited advice.

How do we begin to listen with empathy, not with apathetic uncaring demeanor nor with smothering, “poor you, pity you” messages?  First, we can begin with Stephen Covey’s most quoted phrase of “seek first to understand the other.”  It is the seeking that is key to offering our attention and presence.  This search does not require us to agree with the feelings or beliefs of the speaker.  It does require openness.  I once heard it said, “If you are not willing to change your mind, you are not really listening.”  That’s especially true when engaged in disagreement or conflict.

Please commit yourself to improved listening. Go to this link for Basic Listening Skills.  Your relationships will be enhanced. Just listen!

Your body doesn’t lie.  Listen to it. 

Millions of dollars worth of books fill the health sections of bookstores with basically the same message¾get adequate rest, exercise more and eat less.  We have loads of information about making wise wellness decisions.  One of my favorite books is You: The Owner’s Manual, by Dr. Michael Roizen and Dr. Mehmet Oz.

Regardless of the volumes of health-related information, most of our ailments are created through poor care of our bodies.  Eight survey respondents reported that they had created poor health.  One survey respondent wrote, “I was so miserable I put my health on the back burner.”

I have done my fair share of body harm through neglect.  Mostly, I’ve mended my habits.  I’ve learned that those with high resistance to illness recognize and pay attention to distress.  They have routines and habits that create well-being and relaxation.

Two women reported their WOW strategy as, ‘Trust my own instincts when it comes to my own body and health care,” and “I forced myself to get out of bed early and go for a walk every day.”  The body responds with appreciation when given care and can respond with crippling results if not.

A useful and easy habit that has made a significant difference to me and many others is to identify the beginnings of body symptoms; those small internal whispers that warn you of an impending and louder strain.  Pay attention before you collapse or heart attack yourself.  There are over 100 body distresses.  Here are some common signals:

• tension headaches
• fatigue
• colds
• insomnia
• teeth grinding
• eye twitching

When the question arises, “What do I do with the stress in my body?” many people take time off from work, make appointments for a massage (still a good idea) and hang on until a holiday (not a good idea).  Not long ago, stress researchers made a significant discovery.  You can reduce your distress and “actual” age by attending to your body on a regular and daily basis, sometimes as often as every hour on a particularly challenging day.  After locating tension in your body, systematically Let Go.  Checking in regularly throughout the day and releasing the body tension provides relief.  The Canadian Institute of Stress found when people took a “short amount of time each day to be good to themselves, [they] reduced their stress levels by almost half.”

I call this be good to yourself or body tension releasing, 30 Second Quickies.  They take 30 seconds or less to do.  Check off those items below that you do and will do to take care of yourself intermittently throughout your day:

• Yawn
• Wiggle
• Laugh or cry
• Slowly eat a grape
• Do a neck and shoulder roll
• Shake your right hand, then your left hand
• Stretch up, down, left and right
• Drink a glass of water
• Watch one breath go in and out
• Tighten your teeth and then relax your jaw
• Massage your scalp
• Squeeze your face in to a prune shape
• Stick your tongue way out
• Kick off your shoes
• Yell (especially into a pillow or in your car)
• Sit down and lift your legs in the air
• Get or give a hug

Inspirational Speaker and International Best Selling Author Troy Payne teams up with high school students in creating rock music with a message of healing. Aside from Sorrow is releasing their debut album; Out of the Darkness, into the Light.

The journey for ‘Out of the Darkness, into the Light’ began on ‘The Road to Resiliency’. This is the name of Troy’s keynote presentation and international bestselling book. Troy took the cards that life dealt him and turned them into opportunities to connect with and impact the lives of others. Abandoned, neglected, and abused as a child, his personal story of triumph over tragedy inspires people to overcome their adversities and find resilience. Music has been one of the tools he used to survive those painful years. Now he collaborates with high school students in performing rock concerts with a message called the ‘Rock’n Resiliency Projects’. As Troy gives his inspirational message of overcoming adversity, he and the band have been performing cover songs to compliment the storytelling. This has been a powerful way of teaching resilience.

Eventually the band no longer wanted to perform the songs of other artists and decided to begin writing their own music. Aside from Sorrow’s debut album release; Out of the Darkness, into the Light, is a consistent roots rock metal hybrid. Its primal sound depicts the struggles and adversities we are all faced with but also inspire hope, peace, and healing. Fans of Gun’s n Roses, Nickelback, and Pearl Jam will get into Aside from Sorrow. You can sample the entire album and even get a free song at Wellness Realization.  

Researchers report a number of health benefits of laughter.  Stress is reduced, blood pressure is lowered, the immune system is strengthened, creativity increases, mood is elevated and muscles relax.  Actually, you cannot restrict your muscles when you either laugh or cry.  So, laugh until you cry or cry until you laugh.  On top of all the health benefits, people enjoy connecting to someone with a lighthearted approach.  However, having a sense of humor does not necessarily mean you are known for rousing others into ripples of laughing convulsion.

Linda Bradburn, along with six survey respondents, uses humor as a useful tool to keep a lighter perspective on life’s inevitable grumbles, grunts and bumps.  Even the willingness to smile can be helpful.  As one respondent wrote, “A smile goes a long way.  It puts people on a good footing with you.”  Developing a sense of humor merely requires the ability to look at life from a different and fun perspective.  Those that use it look to friends to share a good laugh or find ways to not take themselves so seriously.  You can be the initiator of a humorous perspective or the appreciative recipient¾the humorist or the humored.

Most of us, at some time or other, crack a smile, if not a gut-wrenching guffaw.  You can begin by identifying your favorite smile makers as an indication of your humor preferences.  Professional humorists range from comic strip and cartoon creators to stand up comics, to late night show hosts to writers and philosophers.  They use language that includes exaggeration, irony, satire, over-literalness, jokes, fun lists, and word plays like riddles, rhymes and puns.  They may employ observational incongruities, self-deprecation, insults, mimicking, story telling and slapstick.  Their presentation style may be eccentric, angry, gross, rude, child-like or idiot-like.  Content is endless, although politics and sex are two favorites.

It is still considered lady-like behavior, by many, to politely laugh at any male-delivered, even sexist, jokes.  If offended, some assertive women will not laugh or will bravely say, “That’s not funny.”  Dolly Parton provides a moderate, self-deprecating yet effective example, “I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb . . . and I also know I’m not blonde.”

In fact, Canadian psychology professor, Herbert Lefcourt, discovered that women gain more health benefits from using humor as a means of coping than men.  “Our suspicion is that women’s coping humor takes the form of laughing at themselves, which restores social closeness.  Men’s coping humor takes the forms of attacking others, which represents an attempt to maintain their position in the social hierarchy.”  Hence, the more frequent use of put-down and sarcastic humor by men.

Professor of Women’s Literature, Dr. Regina Barreca, refers to the Humane Humor Rule.  She observes that seldom do women make fun of what people cannot change¾physical appearance, sex, sexual orientation or race.  Humorist, Liz Curtis Higgs, said, “Women love to laugh at themselves, but men seem to laugh at the other guy.”  A research study by J.B. Levine in the Journal of Communication reported that 63 percent of the humor used by women included self-disparaging comments, compared to only 12 percent by males.  However, in What Mona Lisa Knew: A Woman’s Guide to Getting Ahead in Business by Lightening Up, Dr. Barbara Mackoff warns us gals that, if we over-use self-deprecating humor, we can create the impression of incompetence.

Note the gentler references by women to the opposite sex and the use of self-deprecation in the following joke examples:

Men say:

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be

married too.”  Henry Louis Mencken

“Bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men should be happier

than others.”  Oscar Wilde

“I don’t think I’ll get married again.  I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her

a house.”  Lewis Grizzard

Women say:

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.”

Natalie Wood

“Sex when you’re married is like going to a 7-Eleven.  There’s not as much variety,

but at three in the morning, it’s always there.”  Carol Leifer

“Men have higher body temperatures than women.  If your heating goes out in

winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man.  Men are like portable heaters that

snore.”  Rita Rudner

Mackoff offers a humor strategy for replying to sexual stereotyping and conflict-triggering comments.  She suggests responding as if the speaker was intending to make a joke.  One example Mackoff offers is, if told something like, “Women belong home with their kids,” look surprised and quip, “Say, that’s a new one?!!!”

Humor can help you sustain a more positive, upbeat attitude while dealing with daily hassles.  Every now and then, reflect on different situations and ask if you just might have taken yourself a little too seriously.  It might be time to lighten up!

The above excerpt was taken From Woe to WOW: How Resilience Women Succeed at Work

Recemtly,  I attended a funeral of a dear woman who died at 51 years of age. It is with mixed emotions that I attend such events. Present are the elements of loss and sadness along with the celebration of accomplishments, connections and the differences the deceased made while on earth. I recall when our dear daughter-in-law Chandra died; at the end of the service we gave her LIFE a standing ovation. I often leave memorial services inspired to live my days to their fullest . . . and often more consciously.

Image by Laurel Conley

At this recent service I was impacted by a statement which was made close to the end of the celebration and acknowledgements. It went something like, “The last time I talked to her was over the phone. I felt so angry at her and I said, ‘I hate you!’ Please don’t ever end a conversation with someone close to you with anything but ‘I love you.’” That must have taken courage to tell the truth–done to make a difference to others’ lives. These dramatic moments don’t happen just in the movies!

Later I reviewed my “Directions for Patricia Morgan’s Celebration of Life,” a notebook I carry in my purse. It lists what I would like to happen when my loved ones gather after my death. It states who I want to say sweet words about me, that I want a over-view of my life presented in a video or slide show and what songs are special to me. Three of the songs I want played or song are On a Clear Day, I Just Called to Say I Love You, and dedicated to our amazing granddaughter, Danielle, You are My Sunshine.

I recall my mother’s list for her Memorial Service included singing, “Jesus Loves Me.” And we did sing it with great emotion.

But why wait for death to put these celebrations in action? Excuse me right now, I’m going to sing to my dear assistant , Laurel:

On a clear day, rise and look around you |
And you’ll see who you are.
On a clear day how it will astound you
That the glow of your being outshines every star!

Your turn! What’s your celebration of life?

“I don’t know what to do anymore. I asked Harry to join me. He said this kind of stuff doesn’t work.”

Here is my response:

“I agree with Harry, ‘This kind of stuff doesn’t work.’   The question is, ‘Are you and Harry both willing to do The Work to make the relationship mutually rewarding?’ I certainly can’t work on others’ relationships. I’ve done a pretty good job working on my own, though. Counselling does not do the work. The counsellor provides some information of what appears to NOT be working and offers alternatives. Improvements happen when the client trusts the good will of their partner and themselves, commits to do The Work of improved problem solving, mutual-support and communication, and then does The Work.

I smile when people spend one hour in counselling, are given the information of what they are doing that is sabotaging their relationship and/or personal life, are given some healthy alternatives to practice, and then walk out the door saying, ‘That didn’t work.’ It’s like going to a lecture on losing weight, getting the information about their poor eating and exercise habits, given information on healthy life-style choices but walk away saying, ‘That stuff didn’t work. I haven’t lost any weight!’

As in dieting and exercise, where there is a will, there is a way. The bigger challenge in relationships is that, it takes two wills to make the way.’

I can learn to contain and appreciate how I feel.

Authentic feelings inform us of what we want, what is important to us, what we value, what is working for us and what is not.  At the same time, feelings tell little, if anything, about other people or the external world.  We need our fine brains and observation skills to figure out our external life.  Feelings are experienced through the body’s systems of muscles, nerves and organs.

We all have the ability to feel emotions but we each feel differently about different aspects of life.  My hubby feels excited and energized just thinking about wilderness canoeing while I feel disgruntled and bored at the thought of the isolation.  I feel excited and energized just thinking of attending a personal growth retreat while he feels disinterested.

Here is the paradox of all feelings.  Once you are in a feeling state, it does not work to critically beat yourself up, dismiss the feeling or push it into your pantyhose.  The feeling will actually increase if it is not acknowledged.  Have you ever been told, “Don’t cry!” and then the tears come on even heavier?  Unlike critical thoughts that are useful to challenge, feelings only calm once they are totally felt, experienced and often shared.

Any time we are in a high-feeling state, our ability to think clearly is minimized.  Imagine encountering a mama grisly bear.  You probably tell yourself, “Darn! I could die!” Your muscles contract, your heart rate accelerates and adrenalin kicks in.  You are in high alert, high fear.  But it doesn’t take a bear to create this reaction.  You might feel dread of a co-worker’s or manager’s feedback.  Once the trigger is pulled, it requires awareness and self care to bring yourself to a neutral and rational state.  Feel the feeling, notice your breath and calm yourself while remembering you’re a grown up with choices.  The energy in the feeling actually lets go.  Pushing away or ignoring the feeling does not work.

The body can actually break down or at least cause physical pain if the feeling is stuffed.  Hence, the power of listening skills to shift a feeling state.  Sounds complicated?  It can be.  Accessing counseling or therapy can help turn this description into an understandable experience.  In the meantime, here are steps to follow if you become triggered by events and overwhelmed by feelings:

1. Accept the feeling as it is.  Breathe and notice the feeling in your body.  It’s optional if you give the feeling a label such as sad or hurt.
2. Notice how old you feel.  Breathe some more.
3. Tell yourself, “It’s only a feeling.  It will pass.”

Once you feel calm and your brain is able to function:

1. Decide if this strong feeling was sparked by old programming or is clean.
2. Notice what thought or belief is behind the feeling.  Is it appropriate to the situation? Is it true?  Is it more of a judgment or assumption than an observation of facts?
3. Use your problem-solving brain to decide if action is required.

The basic feelings are sad, hurt, afraid, angry and happy.  They have a range of weak to strong energy with dozens of words to describe them.  Many of them describe the state of our body with words such as down, tight, deflated, empty, uneasy, agitated, up, energized, pumped or high.

In my next entry you will see a list of feeling words to help you with awareness.