I confess! Exercise has been one of my least favourite activities. I did it because I knew I’m healthier doing so. For six years I went to yoga classes. Then there was the morning walk up and down a nearby hill, followed by step classes, Pilates classes and aquacise.

Each commitment eventually waned and faded with lack of motivation and satisfaction. I looked for the “fit-high” I heard others report. Not for me! After exerting myself, all I wanted to do was nap.

In the meantime for years my hubby, Les, has taken 2 to 3 daily brisk walks, lifted weights and worked on a rowing machine. A couple months ago Les installed a screen with internet access in front of the rower. 

I began to row, row, row while I watched Ted Talks, approximately 20 minute presentations by thought leaders. Recently I’ve viewed the Neuroscientist, Jill Bolte Taylor’s, Stroke of Insight, Sheryl Wu Dunn on Our Century’s Greatest Injustice (the devaluing of girls worldwide) and the Life Coach guru, Tony Robbins’ When People Fail to Achieve their Goals. I look forward to me time so much I’ve added a few minutes of lifting weights after the rowing. I know describe my excercise regime as “satisfying.”  

The trick? Find some way to put “satisfying” in your exercise program.

Take the following quiz to help you with some proactive and protective steps.

Answer Yes or No to the following:

1. Are you free of anxiety, mood swings, tension headaches, fatigue, frequent colds, flu or insomnia? No__ Yes__
2. Are you free of the Super Mom or Perfect Mom trap and think of yourself as a Good Enough Mom? No__ Yes__
3. Are you available to your children in a supportive, relaxed, sometimes playful and loving manner? No__ Yes__
4. Do you delegate some household tasks to your partner and children? No__ Yes__
5. Do you have an attitude of “I appreciate an improvement” rather than insisting on tasks being accomplished to your standards? No__ Yes__
6. Do you hold family meetings where you enlist team participation of family members? No__ Yes__
7. Are you free of guilt when you see unhappy family members knowing that the only person you have control over is yourself? No__ Yes__
8. Do you say no to activities that needlessly take you away from personal, couple or family time? No__ Yes__
9. Are you aware that one of the biggest gifts you can give your family is your own well being as a healthy and assertive woman who both gives and receives? No__ Yes__
10. Do you take daily time to rejuvenate yourself so that you can be present to your family mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually? No__ Yes__

The more yeses you have, the better you are taking care of yourself first.  If your score is low, start to take the actions recommended in the above ten points.  Raise your score until you believe you are one of the best good enough moms on the block.

Sometimes our distorted definition of “mother” is “no time, space or care for me.”

“You now have the most important job a woman will ever do,” my mother told me after giving birth.  It’s important for us to embrace the trraditional feminine role of caregiver as a way to demonstrate our strengths and capabilities.

A 2006 report from salary.com excited many of us interested in the world of moms.  The grand conclusion was that mothers (typically with 2 children) would earn $131,471 US or $163, 855 Canadian a year if paid for the services rendered to their families.  Regrettably, we can easily lose ourselves and forget to care for ourselves in the middle of doing these services.  We can become overwhelmed, see few options and forget the answer to the question, “Who am I?”

Some of us have been called The Hurried Woman, the PMS Mom from H… and told by our teenagers to, “Chill out.”  A research finding from DalhousieUniversity inNova Scotia concludes that distress is taking its toll on Canadian women, especially mothers.

The researcher, Shelley Phipps, was quoted as saying, “Over half…51.2 percent of women aged 25 to 54 with full-time paid employment felt constantly under stress in comparison with 41.6 percent of men.”  And this figure continues to increase.  Add children and the fact that mothers still accept the majority of household responsibility, and what do you get?¾an out-of-functioning, often ill, woman, especially if she has negative perceptions of these demands.

Speaking of exhaustion, the Canadian Stress Institute found that women experience a larger percentage of stress than their male partners—52 percent compared to 45 percent, respectively.  That percentage increased to 58 percent for women who put in similar employment hours as their spouse.  Add to this data that mothers typically accept 70 percent responsibility for family and home duties.  How do they do this?  They back off on sleep.

1. If you feel offended, check out the other person’s intention before responding.
2. Name and address sexism, discrimination and negative stereotyping.
3. Avoid acting too modestly.  Show off your strengths, including those considered feminine or soft qualities.
4. Present your ideas in a confident manner.
5. Say, “I’m sorry,” only when you need to make amends.
6. Use but don’t over use self-deprecation.  It may be interpreted as incapable.
7. Ask directly for advice and what you need or want.  “Will you . . . ?”
8. Adopt a good natured attitude towards friendly competition.  Don’t tolerate mean-spirited competition.
9. Protect your emotions.  Take them to those who can calmly witness them.
10.  Celebrate your and others’ feminine and masculine qualities.

What if the world celebrated the gifts and resources of both men and women?

Most workplaces make demands of women to develop their masculine side in male-developed hierarchies. They are expected to think logically, set goals and participate in competitive situations. Deborah Tannen, a linguistics specialist and author of You Just Don’t Understand, examined the differing conversational styles of men and women. Here are some of her conclusions:

• Men prefer competition and attaining status in hierarchies by winning.
• Women prefer co-operation and support.

Consider the typical games boys and girls play—jump rope or dolls for girls and bad guys/good guys for the boys. Recall men’s put-down or sarcastic humor to maintain their one-up position while women giggle and accept a one-down position with “It was nothing,” or self-deprecation lines such as, “Silly me.”

• Men prefer independence.
• Women prefer relationships.

Consider the many marriage-seeking women and the commitment-phobic men.

• Men prefer giving and receiving advice for taking action, fixing or solving a problem.
• Women prefer giving and receiving emotional support.

Consider how men use the phone to arrange to do something while women will talk for hours to indicate friendship and care.

• Men prefer facts and information.
• Women prefer feelings and intuition.

Consider the guys at a party discussing the newest make of car while the women are commiserating over a bad hair day.

• Men prefer orders.
• Women prefer suggestions.

Consider men’s directive of, “We’re taking a break now,” to women’s hint-hint, “Let’s take a break,” or “Would you like to take a break?” desiring to be inclusive and hoping they will agree.

If these examples seem stereotypical, they are! Of course, there are exceptions to these generalizations. However, these socialization tendencies can help us understand and appreciate the other sex’s preferences. Rather than blaming the other sex for our misunderstandings, we can begin to appreciate their differences. For example, in Coping with the Male Ego, authors Grymes and Stantan explain:

Men are just beginning to learn how to compete with women. They have spent their lives competing with each other–learning to be aggressive, to take risks, to think and act logically, and to defend “the rules.” Mean know what to expect from other men. Competition is their relationships.

For example, men tend to view asking for help as acting vulnerable or being a loser. I witnessed this the day my husband tried to move a high-backed piano out of the house on his own. Why did Moses spend 40 years wandering in the desert? He didn’t want to act like a woman and ask for directions. Asking for directions is a one down position in which women tend to feel more comfortable. Alternatively, males typically respond well when asked for advice or help. He may even think, “Yes! I’m the winner!”

Men’s use of language often reflects this tendency to be in competition. The more forceful and coarser the language, the more power they assume. A survey respondent working in trades wrote of swearing by the male workers. “Men will be men and it doesn’t mean that a woman will make them speak properly.” Properly is politely, inclusively and sensitively; typically a woman’s preference. This is not to say that foul language should necessarily be tolerated and is definitely not appropriate in professional circles.

Women and men have their own reality. To repeat myself, women are inclined to place emphasis, focus and priority on relationships and the welfare of others. I recall the nights when our children were sick and required comforting and the bed sheets changed. My husband slept through the night. How long does it take to listen to a crying friend? A man may say, “5 minutes should do it.” Most women believe, “As long as she needs me to listen.” Consequently, clock time and women time differ.

Differences between men’s and women’s preferences will remain for at least another generation or two. Yet, it’s time to find ways to bridge the gap, to move towards the integration of the masculine and feminine qualities in us all.

I reclaim my time and life.

One of the resilient women I interviewed for From Woe to WOW was Suzy Wilkoff who woke up one morning and vowed to give up her workahlic habits. Here are her ten tips:  

1. Prepare a daily To Do list including one column for business and one for personal.  If later you think of another To Do and it’s not urgent, save it for the next day.
2. Exercise each morning so that self-care is taken care of before work begins.
3. Don’t be the last person to leave the office at night.
4. Delegate.
5. Avoid taking on responsibilities that don’t belong to you.  “Say no!”
6. Take a lunch break every day.  If it can’t be an hour, take a half hour.
7. If you have to work on the weekend, pick one day.  Never work both days.
8. Find someone emotionally safe with whom you can verbalize your concerns about workaholism.  Accept advice and put it into action!
9. If you work from a home office, avoid working into the night by making plans to read a book (non-work related) or go see a movie.
10.  Forecast for the future.  Set long-term goals with achievement dates.  If you tend to do projects immediately, cut larger and longer assignments into smaller pieces that fit into your normal schedule.

Human needs include time for fun, sun and just being.

Hey there!  Don’t let your work define who you are.  Ask someone what they do and you will often hear a title like office administrator, teacher or engineer.  You are not your roles, thoughts, feelings, beliefs or work.  

Feel the fear and speak up anyway. If you speak the truth you will at least have supported yourself.

One strong trend in responses to my Woe to WOW survey was regret for not standing up or speaking out about aggressive or abusive behaviors.  Not one woman expressed regret for acting in an aggressive manner but many regretted their passivity when targeted for ill treatment.  Here are some of their comments:

I learned:

•  “To be less tolerant of bad behavior.”
• “I can stand up for what is right.”
• “Keep your own power.  Do what you can.”
•  “To fight for myself and not let anyone bully me.”
• “I wish I’d stood up to her.”
• “To expect courtesy and respect from all relationships.  Look after myself.”
•  “Believe in yourself.  Take a stand.  Say what you feel.”
•  “It is better to stick up for yourself and be called a “b#$%#” than be a doormat and be bullied.”
• “The value of being true to myself and seeking to resolve conflict constructively rather than avoiding it.”
• “I didn’t make the world a better place by running away.”

Consider the assertiveness skills model as an augmentation to Establish Clear Boundaries.  When you assert yourself, you are being yourself on purpose.  The purpose is to express respect for yourself and those with whom you have contact.  When we act like a door mat, we violate our own rights.  When we act aggressively like a bulldozer, we violate other’s rights.  The two keys are to speak up with “I” messages and to listen attentively.  We will focus here on the speaking up aspect.

When challenged or feeling stressed most of us have a tendency to react in a passive, aggressive or passive/aggressive manner.  As noted from the survey respondents, women traditionally lean towards passive or passive/aggressive behavior.  Passive/aggressive behavior puts others in a double bind with a mixed message.  “I’m in big trouble because of what you did but don’t help me solve it.  I’ll suffer quietly.”  It sounds passive with an aggressive undertone.  The chart below summarizes the differences between acting passively, assertively or aggressively:

PASSIVE: Gives up relationship with self
Belief: I have no rights.  You have all the rights.
Behavior: Acts like a martyr. Is submissive. Defers to others. Does not express wants, ideas or feelings. Expresses self in an apologetic manner. Acts like a victim.
Intention and Goals: To please and get love, acceptance or approval. To be liked and avoid conflict at all cost.
Emotions: Low self-esteem. Feelings of high anxiety, powerlessness, frustration, resentment, being used and hopelessness.
How Others Feel: Frustrated, pity, angry, guilty or resentful.
Pay Off (unconscious reward): Avoids confrontation, risk of disapproval or being seen as wrong.

AGGRESSIVE: Gives up relationship with others
Belief: I have all the rights. You have no rights.
Behavior: Sacrifices others, Blames others to win.  Name calls and yells.  Puts others down. Threatens.  Expresses wants, ideas and feelings at the expense of other.
Intention and Goals: To dominate and control.  To protect self at all cost.  May get material goals or short term goals.
Emotions: Feelings of self-righteousness and power OR powerlessness, guilt and embarrassment.
How Others Feel: Fearful, hurt, resentful or angry. May retaliate or avoid.
Pay Off  (unconscious reward): Short term illusion of control and power. Feelings released. Others’ compliance. Note: Relationships are painful or destroyed.

ASSERTIVE: Honor self and others
Belief: Our rights and wants are equally important.
Behavior: Expresses own beliefs feelings and wants in an open, honest, direct and appropriate manner. Listens, shares and exchanges information. Willing to be influenced.  Uses “I” messages INTENTION and GOALS:  To communicate. To develop healthy give-and-take relationships while not always getting own way.
Emotions: Able to satisfy own wants while considering needs of others. May not get own way but relationships are healthy.
How Others Feel: Trusted, trusting, respected, respectful, heard, seen and understood.
Pay Off (unconscious reward): Self confidence. Influence and respect.  Healthier relationships.                 

1. Decide if you tend to use passive, aggressive or passive/aggressive behaviors.
2. If you tend to act passively:

• Take adult responsibility.  Decide what you really want and take action.
• Keep agreements.  If someone helps, do your part by following through.
• Ask yourself, “How can I get what I really want in a healthy way?”
• Count your blessings.  Acknowledge your strengths and what is going well.
• Remember, you make you.  Minimize self pity and take action.

3.  If you tend to act aggressively:

• Give up believing you have power over other people.
• Listen to others.  Really listen.
• Make expectations clear.  “I want this completed by Tuesday.”
• Practice asking others, “What do you need from me?”

When possible take the assertive position.   Begin to use the words yes, no and it depends in conscious ways.  Be discerning and choose wisely.  Please note that while a woman and a man may speak and act in a similar and assertive manner, the woman will be more likely accused of acting aggressively.  Be aware of this societal bias.

Oh! My gosh! What was I thinking?

1. You gave in to peer pressure.
2. You spoke or acted with poor intentions driven by urges of greed, pride, envy, revenge or deception.
3. You had disturbing flashbacks and nightmares of what you said or did.
4. You stood by or hid when harm occurred to your self, others or the environment.
5. You felt guilt or regret.
6. You felt a sickness or sinking in your stomach.
7. You noticed critical self-talk yelling at you internally.
8. You received little or no support from those you trusted for wisdom, compassion and thoughtful discernment.
9. You were glad that children or those you respect were not present.
10.  You concluded you could save yourself by making amends.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines integrity as “firm adherence to a code of especially moral or artistic values or incorruptibility.”  In 2002, Time magazine’s “Persons of the Year” were three women-in-integrity or as the media headlines screamed, whistleblowers.  Coleen Rowley, an agent at the Federal Bureau of Investigation criticized the FBI for ignoring evidence of terrorist plans before the September 11 attacks.  Both Sherron Watkins of Enron and Cynthia Cooper of WorldCom reported fraud activity of their companies.  These women just couldn’t go to bed without doing something that was in alignment with their values.  They risked personally and professionally the chagrin of colleagues and management by their actions. But the larger risk was losing their integrity.

Keep an eye on yourself

Donna Kennedy-Glans in her book, Corporate Integrity, defines integrity as, “the complete alignment of your intentions, commitments, and actions.”  She also offers an illuminating question to help make a decision.  “Will my children and grandchildren appreciate my decision?”  In this context, acts of integrity can be as significant as carefully proceeding to do business in a country known for human rights violations or as small as recycling, reducing and reusing products.  In 1932, Herbert J. Taylor, who later became Rotarian International President, developed four simple questions as ethical guide posts. Before speaking or taking action use The 4-Way Test:

1. Is it the truth?
2. Is it fair to all concerned?
3. Will it build goodwill and better friendships?
4. Will it be beneficial to all concerned?

Anita Roddick, creator of The Body Shop, shook the business world with her unorthodox practices.  She made her company’s message clear through this line, “There are three billion women in the world and only eight that look like supermodels.”  Not only did she challenge stereotypes of women’s beauty but involved herself in activism and campaigning for environmental and social issues.  She gave her staff time off to volunteer and once said, “ . . . good business is also about putting forward solutions, not just opposing destructive practices or human rights abuses.”