Viktor Frankl

After surviving years of denigration and suffering at Auschwitz and other concentration camps, Frankl learned that most of his family, including his wife, was killed. After the war he became a professor at the University of Vienna Medical School and was a visiting professor at Stanford University. He developed an existential based theory and therapy, having to do with the meaning of existing or living. The existential philosopher Nietzsche wrote, “He who has a why to live can bear with almost any how.”

Frankl noted that those prisoners who had a will and a why to live were able to better support themselves by choosing to:

• Utilize humour. Yes, they did. One exercise was imagining themselves in the future with concentration camp behaviours in a more gentile environment.
• Experience joy. Whether it was realizing their new concentration camp had no gas crematorium or inviting one another to view a sunset.
• Gather with songs, poems and other distractions. Creating a diversion can provide a break from painful situations and is an example of accepting responsibility for creating our own pleasure. 
• Connect to a spiritual source. Services were secretly held.
• Remember loved ones. Frankl often imaged his wife smiling at him in the most humiliating of circumstances.

 Some of Frankl’s conclusions include:

• We should not judge another until we question whether in a similar situation we might do the same.
• We are not crazy when we act abnormally in abnormal situations.
• There are situations in which numbing our emotions is natural self protection.
• We can maintain independent thinking with a sense of spiritual connection.
• We can turn our life challenges into inner victories.
• Suffering is diminished by finding its meaning. Again to quote Nietzsche, “That which does not kill me, makes me stronger.”
• We will naturally experience a certain amount of personal tension—between what we have already achieved and what we want to accomplish.
• Our purpose is not necessarily made by us but more noticed or discovered. Being responsible to our values and conscience leads us to our life meaning. It is important that we act and reach accomplishments that mirror our values.

Gordon Allport in the preface to Man’s Search for Meaning sums up Frankl’s main survival discovery: “The last of human freedoms”—is the capacity to “choose ones’ attitude in a given set of circumstances.”

When our loved ones are journeying through tough times we can choose to caringly witness with Frankl’s viewpoints in mind.  When life hands us our share of troubles may we provide a model of choosing to focus on the available moments of joy and love while letting the meaning unfold.

Peter and Patricia

Why do we bother to volunteer? What’s the pay off?  We ask lots of “what’s in it for me” questions in other areas of our life. 

• What’s in it for us to exercise a minimum of 20 minutes a day three times a week?  More energy and stronger heart and lungs.
• What’s in it for us to work overtime? Extra pay, if we are lucky.
• What’s in it for us to own a four wheel drive in the prairie? A cool, desirable image.

What’s in if for you to volunteer? Maybe, along with thousands of other Canadians, you have already discovered the answer. Did you know that three out of 10 Canadians over the age of 15 officially volunteer? Did you know that number is higher in Alberta?  Four out of 10 Albertans over the age of 15 officially volunteer, and they have good reasons. Here are some of the benefits of volunteering:

1. You meet new and interesting people. Volunteering can expand your network of friends.
2. You have the opportunity to give back what you may have received from others.  Most of us want a balance of giving and receiving in our lifetime.  Many of us delight in the ability to return a helping hand.
3. You learn new skills that could bridge into a career.  Volunteering is an excellent way to get around the discouraging line of “You don’t have enough experience.”
4. You have the opportunity to do what you enjoy. “My mom continues in her senior years to provide flowers for community events as it provides an opportunity to play with flowers she wouldn’t otherwise have access to in the winter months.
5. You can increase your self confidence.  Many of us dip a baby toe into an interest area and as we gained assurance we increase accepting responsibility and involvement.
6. You learn that you do make a difference.  You go to bed at night satisfied that you SHOWED THAT YOU CARE.

When I hear the question, “Who cares?”  I think optimistically of volunteers.

• Who cares about the ill, the elderly and the disabled?
• Who cares about disadvantaged women and children?
• Who cares about the homeless and poor?
• Who cares about human rights violations: sexism, agism, racism or discrimination?
• Who cares about the environment?
• Who cares about animals and their right to the planet?
• Who cares about global concerns and world peace?

By volunteering your actions clearly state, “I care.”

Lois Wilson, one of our more outspoken Canadian senator’s on the topic of voluntarism spoke at the University of Calgary Personhood conference in the fall of 1999.  She encouraged those present to choose an area of concern and focus there.  She said, “If you try to be all to all, little can be accomplished…” and, I add, there is such a thing as volunteer burn out.

At the age of 14 years Craig Kielburger of Toronto, Ontario read about the murder of a four year old Pakistan boy who was sold into slavery by his parents. Craig declared he was going to make a difference to the 250 million children around the world who’ve been forced to work as slaves.  He started as a teen volunteer and is now a young adult at the helm of an organization called Free the Children.  He’s travelled the world, has written a book, met Mother Teresa and the pope, and is building schools all over the world.  I remember a television interview with Craig talking to an eight year old boy called Jeffrey in the Philippines. Jeffrey had never seen outside the trash dump where he was born and has worked scavenging for food and retrievables every day, all day since he was able to walk and talk. Craig’s aim was to one day have Jeffrey and other Pilipino children like him on day in school. Craig Kielburger serves as an example of making a difference and what was in it for him?  He has quite a fascinating life.

Most of us have noted an arena of concern where we want to, will or are already have begun to make a difference. Perhaps you won’t be travelling the world like Craig, writing a book or meeting royalty.  However, if you have found your passion of concern you will easily be able to answer the question “What’s in it for me?” 

Over a hundred years ago Emily Dickson referred to, “What’s in it for me?” in terms of giving meaning to life.  Her poetry reads:

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

“There are surprises behind every corner.  I am working on my flexibility and living the moto: Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.”

I’m in the middle of a third level appeal for our Kelly to be accepted as a Person with Development Disabilities so she might access appropriate support. It’s a dance whether to take a lawyer–then “they” will too or to  take an expert psychologist–then  “they” will too.  

What dances have you done lately?

Available in hard cover and e-book format

Dear Patricia,

A few days ago I was dusting my book shelf in the living room and I came across your book  Love Her as She Is.  I immediately sat down and began to flip through it, stopping to read the yellow highlighted sentences I must have felt were important. It turns out, they are still important today.

I believe it was the summer of 2001 when a dear friend heard your radio interview on CBC. I tracked you down, requesting a copy of your book. You so very kindly sent one immediately, with no concern that you may never see the money and when I received it, I devoured it. It was my story too.

You told me that my love . . . would make a difference in times when I would least expect it, and you were correct. Thank you for reaching out to me when I was so desperate. You helped me to realize that I was not alone and there are people willing to help.

. . . She lives a very full, active, happy and healthy life. I know for sure that nothing is always forever, but today, all is good and for that I am very humbly grateful.

Thank you again, for reaching out to me. You must have spoken to hundreds of parents just like me and it’s fine that you may not remember me, but please know that you made a difference in my life.

 Take care, L.T.  

Who would benefit from hearing some words of appreciation  from you . . . regardless the time lapsed?

You can create this tasty giant greeting care for any occasion such as a birthday, anniversary, Valentine’s Day or Father’s Day. When in Smocky Lake, Alberta,  to keynote a women’s event,  a dear woman called Doris Slemko billeted me in her home.  Before we went to bed she proudly showed me her oversized birthday card with chocolate bars spelling out key words of appreciation.  I loved the idea and made one for my hubby.

You will need:

• 15 to 25 chocolate bars or packages of gum with bold words written on them
• A big and firm surface—cardboard or fibre board
• A hot glue gun
• A marker or markers for printing words between the chocolate bars

Instructions:

1. Write out your message on a scrap piece of paper including words from the wrappers. 
2. Using medium sized marker(s) rewrite your message on your cardboard leaving space for the chocolate bars.
3. Hot glue gun the chocolate bars in place.
4. Present with a smile.

Here is the personalized message I sent my sweetie:Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Les Morgan SKORs on his birthday. Patsy said he is WUNDERBAR and she’s so glad he has no Chicklets on the side. Finally she said, “no wonder he SKORs!”

His amazing SUPERPAK is ready for his next outdoor adventure. He and his Sidekicks will excel. Ben, Katie and he will be like the 3 Muskateers with no put downs or SNICKERS. He will lead them safely home following the AERO on his compass.

Never to Glossette over his need for Balance, he doesn’t pretend to be mr. big. Here’s a man who could EAT-MORE, but avoids becoming crunchie.

Be Twix canoeing or going to Mars we all know which one he would choose. Butterfingers down this Kit-Kat loves the outdoors.

S’mores news to come!”

Over a month’s duration, every so often Les would cut through one chocolate bar, yes just one at a time, for an evening treat. Disciplined or what? Thanks to Doris for passing on this sweet, treat concept.

Patricia's friend, Laura, Dove Campaign model

My most appreciated women and wellness presentation is Merry Lovemaking: How to inject joy in a long term intimate relationship. Women participants have confirmed that the main deterrent for them embracing an enjoyable sex life is poor body image. This is damaging to our sense of strength and personal resilience.  Additionally, numerous women have told me that their body loathing was destructive to their primary relationship. These women tend to have a limited view of their beauty. Fortunately, there is a movement afoot that is taking on stereo-typical mass media images and messages to redefine beauty.

In April 2004, the Dove® soap company released the Dove® Report: Challenging Beauty. The report discovered that women typically feel frustrated with the media’s distorted images of beauty. In September 2004, Dove®, along with Harvard professor, Dr. Nancy Etcoff, author of “Survival of the Prettiest,” and Dr. Susie Orbach, author of “Fat is a Feminist Issue,” developed The Real Truth About Beauty: a Global Report.

 Perhaps you have seen the Real Beauty campaign billboards. They feature the same women for whom you can place a vote on the Dove® website. You can vote on the photo of a young woman–Oversized or Outstanding; of a freckled woman– Ugly Spots or Beauty Spots; or an older woman– Gray or Gorgeous. Go to http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com

Women, 3,200 of them, from Argentina, Brazil, Canada, France, Italy, Japan, Netherlands, Portugal, United Kingdom, and the United States were interviewed. Only two percent from these ten countries considered themselves beautiful. In Canada it was one percent. The researchers concluded that women are looking for a broader definition of beauty.

Two-thirds of the women strongly agree that physical attractiveness is about appearance, whereas real beauty includes happiness, a positive attitude, confidence, dignity and humor.  The more traditional attributes of physical appearance, body weight and shape have been confining. Eighty-two percent of women agree that “If I had a daughter, I would want her to feel beautiful, even if she is not physically attractive.”

Of course Dove® has a vested interest in this program but doesn’t it make good sense to stop all the craziness of tucking in, cutting off and injecting into our bodies? Even super models have their waists air brushed to the ideal pencil width before publication. 

One of my favourite quotes in the Discern Beauty chapter of my book She Said: A Tapestry of Women’s Quotes is by Eileen Ford, “The beautiful woman is the one who really knows herself and makes the most of everything she’s got.”

She thinks she's ugly

Along those lines, The Dove® Real Beauty campaign offers women eight ways to begin to define their own beauty and feel attractive. Here’s a summary:

1. Find ways to celebrate yourself.
2. Surround yourself with positive and upbeat people.
3. Try new activities and challenges. Learn something new.
4. Be good to your body. Exercise and eat well.
5. Find and express the real you.
6. Have a positive attitude. It will make you attractive.
7. Learn from your experiences. You will become wise.
8. Develop an eye and ear for humour.

Let me add:

9. Smile. A smiling face is by definition a beautiful one.

Define, enjoy and celebrate your way of being a beautiful woman.

As author, Robert Fulghum wrote, “Sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will break our hearts.” Fortunately we can strengthen our resilience by monitoring and filtering the words of others and our own self-talk.

What my sweetie said was not verbal abuse, but an expression of concern based on his imaginings of what might happen. Yet, the thought he sent my way would have put me at more risk if I accepted it.

Consider this. Thoughts are like seeds that get planted in the mind or not. It was our eldest daughter, Kelly, who one day said, “We are not responsible for our initial thoughts. But we are responsible for how long we entertain them or act on them or don’t.”   If we linger on a thought or it hits us at a vulnerable moment or is uttered by a powerful role model it can become rooted in our unconscious as a belief. Beliefs ground our actions. Let’s spell that out.

1.  Situation: words are sent or something happens that stimulates a thought.
2. The thought is planted and nurtured.
3. Repeated self-talk creates a rooted belief in the unconscious mind with strong feelings attached.
4. Reaction follows.

Notice that this pattern works for thought messages that are critical, put-down, judging, discouraging, attacking, shaming and blaming, as well as, respectful, acknowledging, self-esteem building, appreciative, empathic, kind and encouraging.

When I was a child my father called me stupid a number of times. I began to say it to myself and eventually it became a belief. That belief resulted in repeating an elementary grade and dropping out of high school. It was Rene Descartes who said, “I think, therefore I am.”  My “I am” was “I am stupid.” The wonderful thing about becoming an adult is that we are now responsible for our lives, including our thought patterns. Reprogramming my belief system included tell myself repeatedly, “Cancel! Cancel! That was Dad’s idea and I have a different thought and belief. I am intelligent in my own unique way.”

In essence we deepen a belief by repetition. The self help author Robert Collier wrote, “Any thought that is passed on to the subconscious often enough and convincingly enough is finally accepted.”  The good news is that the unconscious can be reprogrammed by awareness and effort.

Consider noticing your self-talk. Keep the supportive chatter. Name the destructive thoughts and beliefs.  Weed them out. Then repeat what you want to believe. Make healthy and vibrant action choices based on your improved mind set. As the pioneer in positive thinking Norman Vincent Peale said, “Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

Here are some sample transformations to help you with the process:  

Critical thoughts:                    Nurturing thoughts:

I am inadequate                              I am capable

I was worthless                                I am loveable

I am powerless                                 I control my life

I am a failure                                     I can succeed

I am selfish                                         I know what is important to me

I am lazy                                              I seek my passion

I have to be perfect                         I can learn and value mistakes

I did something wrong                   I did my best and I learned

Be easy on yourself. If you’ve spent fifteen or more years growing a weed-like garden in your unconscious mind, take your time clearing it out. Newly planted thoughts will require cultivation, time and attention. Be persistent and vigilant. You deserve a vibrant bouquet.

What about you? What negative and false beliefs were planted in your mind and have been rooted by repeatition?  What have you done, or are doing, about your critical mind chatter?

What’s happiness got to do with resilience? The more we are take charge of our own well being, joy and happiness, the more resilient we are to the tough times.

Here are some of their findings:

1. In a Time Poll called “Feeling Good in the U.S.” most of the 1,009 participants reported finding happiness in family connections and friendships. Indeed, more and more as we sit in front of the computer, time with friends and family is needed.
2. The positive effect of friends and family was confirmed by a 2002 study by psychologists, Edward Diener and Martin Seligman.
3. Edward Diener also showed that once basic needs are met, additional income does little to increase life satisfaction. Oprah Winfrey once said something like, “if you think you have a struggle controlling an addiction, imagine what it is like to have rich finances to spend on food, alcohol, illegal sex or drugs.” Mixing wealth with addictions is dangerous. Happiness needs to come first. Note: I heard Ed Diener speak last June at the first World Congress on Positive Psychology. He’s done a lot of fascinating research.
4. The older we get, the more satisfied we tend to be with life. As we age our bodies slow down giving us time to wonder at the chickadee appearing at the garden window.
5. Married people are happier than singles, but then happy people may attract partners. The theory of smiles and attractability may apply here. 
6. Psychologist, Daniel Kahneman found that 900 women reported their seven most positive activities were first sex, then socializing, relaxing, praying or meditating, eating, exercising and watching television.  Hey, didn’t some of the mothers want to play with their children?
7. Professor of organizational behavior, Thomas Wright says that employee happiness may effect 10% to 25% of job performance. Frontline managers can make contact with employees each day, be supportive in rough times, encourage friendships and let workers know they make a difference. It is well known that once basic salaries are achieved, workers typically desire acknowledgement and recognition.
8. Dogs bring cheer to their owners. This is another demonstration of the power of unconditional love. 
9. Researcher Robert Provine discovered that men are the leading laugh getters, while women are the leading laughers. Did you know that women also smile eight times more than men? Maybe that’s why women live longer—by laughing and smiling. Let’s start a campaign to even up the score by more often inviting our gentlemen to join in the fun.

What are your personal findings on happiness?

My answer is below:
Of course it can feel frustrating and discouraging to be in the double bind of not having a job because of not enough experience and not getting the experience without having a job. Here are some job search ideas for you:

• The next time you are told, “You’ve got wonderful qualifications but you’re not experienced,” ask the interviewer, “Will you help me get that experience? I am so determined to do this work that I will do whatever is necessary. Do you have any volunteer positions in this company? Do you have any contacts that might help me gain more experience?”
• When an interviewer offers you encouragement or acknowledges your potential, ask if you can stay in touch. Phone them briefly once a month to let them know how your search is going. People typically like to help. 
• Volunteer to go on a committee or executive of the association of your industry or profession. For example, I served on the executive of the Canadian Association for Professional Speakers, Calgary. You will be perceived as a significant person in your field when you accept a leadership role and fill it well.  
• Find someone who has the kind of job you want and interview them. People love to talk about their work. Ask them for contacts. Ask them the fastest way to get to a similar position. Ask to shadow them for a day. Pay attention to the names, companies and contacts that you hear during the day.
• If you feel genuinely liked and connected to a leader in your desired field, ask if he or she will mentor you. Most of us like to make a difference. It is an honour.
• Write down exactly what kind of employment you are seeking, the title, the responsibilities, the education required and the type of desired setting. Forward it to everyone you know.
• Make sure you treat finding a job like a job. Promise yourself to do at least 5 actions a day from Monday to Friday—go to a networking event, make 3 phone calls and get out there.
• Avoid feeling frustrated and discouraged. Circle yourself with supportive family and friends.

The world needs your gifts. Keep offering.

How have you risen above tough realities and disappointing rejections? What are your successful strategies for job seeking?

The short answer is move on. Sounds like you have been giving up valuable time and energy in a dead end. It’s interesting that experimental rats will quit going to empty food trays to search out new territory. We humans need to differentiate between thinking optimistically and merely thinking wishfully and unrealistically. 

You know this person is “not available.” This is not a clue. It is a fact. The other fact is, you deserve to have your heart held by someone who will give you his or her all. Two books come to mind that may help: Are You the One for Me? by Barbara De Angelo and Who Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson.

Get exposure and show you are available. Appropriate flirting is encouraged. Engage in sports clubs, serve on organizations’ executives, walk or run for a good cause and volunteer for your favourite charity. As my mother says, “Probably 7 out of 10 relationships would work, if the parties agreed to commit.” Good luck finding that person who will commit to being your lifetime friend and partner. 

What might your answer to this reader have been?