Relationship Fighting and 12 Tips to Do Relationship Repair

Patricia Morgan Communication Skills, Relationship Building conflict, coupleship, marriage, relationships 2

Relationship Fighting is Common

Relationship fighting surfaced when speaking to a dear woman friend. I had no idea she was struggling in her marriage. Shame had silenced but her pain began to crack her open.

At its worst these fights can lead to domestic violence, including physical assault. Most often, these couple disagreements or arguments are merely hard conversations. However, relationship fighting requires our attention and a commitment to learn how to do relationship repair.

The first step is to recognize the possible causes for our relationship fighting.

Common Reasons for Relationship Fighting

Communication Issues: Poor communication, misinterpretation of words or intentions, or not expressing oneself clearly can lead to misunderstandings and disagreements.
Unmet Expectations: When partners have different expectations about the relationship, its dynamics, or each other’s roles, it can lead to conflict.
Lack of Trust: Trust is essential in any relationship. If trust is broken due to past issues, dishonesty, or jealousy, it can lead to arguments.
Financial Matters: Disagreements about money, budgeting, spending habits, or financial priorities can strain relationships.
Personal Differences: Differences in personality, values, interests, and beliefs can lead to conflicts, especially if not addressed or understood properly.
Stress and External Pressure: External stressors like work pressure, family problems, health issues, or other life events can spill over into a relationship and lead to arguments.
Jealousy and Insecurity: Feelings of jealousy, insecurity, or possessiveness can lead to arguments, particularly if they’re not communicated and addressed openly.
Unresolved Past Issues: Lingering issues from the past that were not properly resolved can resurface and cause conflicts in the present.
Lack of Quality Time: Not spending enough quality time together can lead to feelings of neglect and resentment.
Power Struggles: Conflicts can arise when one partner tries to dominate or control the other, leading to power struggles.
Intimacy and Sexuality: Differences in sexual needs, desires, or preferences can lead to arguments if not discussed openly and respectfully.
Parenting and Family Matters: Disagreements about parenting styles, family involvement, or raising children can be sources of conflict.
External Influences: Opinions and pressures from friends, family, or society can affect a relationship and cause disagreements.
Emotional Baggage: Past traumas or emotional baggage can impact how individuals react to certain situations and trigger arguments.
Unresolved Emotions: Unaddressed emotions, like anger, sadness, or frustration, can accumulate over time and lead to explosive arguments.

It’s important to note that disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, but how they are handled can greatly affect the overall health of the relationship. Open communication, empathy, active listening, and compromise are key skills to navigate through arguments and conflicts in a constructive manner.

Beware the Love Fantasy

The love fantasy is believing relationship fighting or disagreements will never happen. Yet, it is better to disagree than give up on who you are.

In marital counselling it is often a red flag when a couple reports, “We never disagree or argue.” One of them is probably giving up on her or his desires, opinions or even values. They don’t speak up for the sake of the relationship or as the cliche goes to keep the peace. To give up the right to be heard, understood, and known by your sweetheart is too high a cost.

Don’t Clam Up

As children some of us were not given permission, let alone encouraged, to disagree with our parents. This habit of clamming up is then taken into our primary relationship until and unless our emotions reach overflow. Then the clamming up erupts into an emotional outburst!

Swallowing our feelings can create stress and even illness. Spewing our feelings without any kind of emotional regulation can ruin our relationship. Yes, it’s a dance! Consider the below described tips when you have a disagreement, challenge or problem with your sweetheart.

Turn your couple arguing into healthy disagreeing, requesting, appreciating, supporting, and loving. Learn to do relationship repair.

12 Tips Shift from Relationship Fighting to Relationship Repair

If appropriate, start the conversation by owning your position with something like, “I have a request. I have a problem and would like your help.” or “I want to discuss my . . . (desire, opinion, goal).”
Make an appointment to have your discussion. “When would be a good time to have a discussion?”
Sit on a coach or across from one another. Sitting helps ground both of your bodies and emotions.
Hold hands while sitting on a coach or across a kitchen table. Your hands will work as a tension and monitoring signal. You will notice one another’s hands tighten.
Be gently honest. Be willing to describe your problem. Begin sentences using “I” and avoid the word “you” to minimize the possibility of your partner reacting defensively. State, “I feel” or “I think” or “I want” or “I don’t want” etc.
Notice if you are making up victim stories. If so, start your sentences with, “The story I tell myself is . . . ” For example, if you feel distant from you partner and you are telling yourself, she or he is avoiding you, say it. You could say, “The story I tell myself is that you are avoiding me.” This minimizes the chance of assumptions taking your conversation sideways.
Avoid name-calling of any sort. When we say demeaning words and phrases, we cross the line to emotional and verbal abuse. Examples include, “You are (fill in the blank with demeaning names such arrogant, lazy, an idiot, or even more demeaning words such as b#$@ or f#@$).“
Do not expect to quickly come to agreement. Begin with an intention to share your position, problem or request. Also begin with a commitment to make space for your partner to react or respond to what you say.
Periodically ask, “What did you hear me say?”
Then seek to understand your partner’s reaction or response. Listen to her or his perspective. Now and then check in that you understood his or her message. Listen!
End with either a resolution or an agreement of another conversation to move forward with solutions.
Express appreciation for non-defensive listening, which is a true sign of committed care . . . and of course a sweet kiss.

Oh! By the way, there is something called relationship repair. If the conversation about disagreements escalates to a fight, you can take a breath or maybe request a 20 minute break. That is how long it takes for an elevated heart rate to calm. Then apologize for any small or large piece of your part that included dysfunctional communication.

Here is the Apology Language Quiz from the 5 Love Language website.

Please share your experiences of relationship fighting, arguing or disagreeing. Especially share with us, what strategies have you found useful to increase the resilience in your relationship. Ok?

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Relationship Fighting and 12 Tips to Do Relationship Repair