Use Family Meetings to Fuel Love and Cooperation
“We have a plan!” I’ve heard that at many workplace meetings when the team assembled to prevent or solve a problem. To reduce your family stress and increase your family’s resilience begin to have regular Family Meetings.
Too many families wait until there is a serious issue before coming together to discuss making changes. Most businesses, faith, volunteer, and community groups regularly have meetings. They determine what is going well, what is a problem, what options for improvement can be initiated, and what are their next-steps.
These organizations usually build in acknowledgement, expressions of appreciation, and celebration of progress, cooperation, and connection. These meetings prevent serious issues and provide a forum for solving problems. They also increase social support and a sense of belonging. Case made; families can benefit from meetings, too!
Call these events Family Meetings, Family Gatherings, Family Check-ins or whatever works for you and your children. Make it meaningful, sincere and fun!
Suggested Family Meetings’ Guidelines
- Meet on a regular basis, at a specific time. Once a month is the least frequency. An ideal time for many families is after Sunday dinner.
- Use active listening and I messages to encourage clear communication.
- Use the meetings to solve problems, set goals, express appreciation, meet individual needs, and to plan fun family events and outings.
- Decide who will chair the meeting and who will be the note taker. Rotate these positions at future meetings. It is effective to have an adult assume one of these two roles.
- Keep minutes of your meetings. Use a simple coil bound scribbler. Write at the stop of the page something like, “Morgan Family Meeting, September 10, 2023.” Make sure you record who agreed to do what and by when. This helps family members keep their agreements. Record any other points that might be disputed. The note taker should read back what was written to check the accuracy of agreements.
- Make clear commitments to one another. State either I will, or I won’t.
- Expect minimal involvement from family members five years of age and under.
- As the leaders of the family model listening skills, problem solving, cooperation, helpfulness and joy. Show joy for being part of such a loving, caring, and fun family.
Suggested Family Meetings’ Format
- Express Appreciation
Each person expresses appreciation to at least one family member for a favor, improved or desired behavior, or help from the previous week. Examples: “Thank you, Dad, for fixing my bicycle. Thank you, Johnny, for keeping your agreement to stay out of your sister’s room.”
- Check Previous Agreed Upon Solutions
Review solutions and agreements made at your previous meeting. Have the problems been solved? If yes, who made the most significant change? Acknowledge the positive change. If not, what needs to be adjusted? Example: We kept paper, toys and stuff off the stair steps all week and keeping our family safer. Good on all of us! Let’s keep this new habit.
- Problem Solve
- Identify Problems (complaints) of the week. Each person is allowed to identify one problem they want solved. They take ownership that it is their problem. Example: Mom: “I have a problem. I am not getting enough sleep. After everyone else is in bed, I do kitchen clean up, pack school lunches, tidy the house, and do the laundry.”
- Make a request. Example: “I want to do less of the household tasks and for you to do more.”
- Brainstorm optional solutions. Example: Dad: “I could tidy up after meals.” Oldest child: “I could get a meal once a week.” Middle Child: “I could do our own laundry.” Oldest child: We, kids, could make our own lunches.” Youngest child: “We could all clean the house together on Saturdays.”
- Discuss the options: Explore which ideas are the best for family members to follow-through on.
- Agree on your solution or solutions. Example: “Do we all agree that the children will make their own lunches and we will clean the house together Saturday mornings?”
NOTE: do not insist on complaints to come forward. If there are no problems to solve, celebrate a week of peace and cooperation. Make it a short meeting.
- Call for Requests
- State I Want: Each person can ask for one request or desire. A child might request that her bedroom to be re-decorated, or to buy a cell phone, or order pizza for dinner the next day or to go to Disney World. A parent might request a letter be written to grandma or be given a computer lesson, or a back rub. Obviously, parents have more power and control over fiances so have more way to give. At the same time, it is important for children to know they have gifts that will be gratefully received.
- Brainstorm optional ways to meet the desired goal: Examples: Dad:”We have a limited income. To go to Disney World, we would all have to pitch in. Each of us could put a part of our weekly earning or allowance into a jar until we can pay for the trip. It may take us a year but we can do it. What do you think?” or Mom: “Ordering a pizza for dinner would be great for me on Tuesday as that is a busy day for me.”
NOTE: Calls for requests minimizes children’s nags for services and goods. I recall our children saying something like this, “Awe, do we have to eat that? Can’t we order a pizza?” or “Why can’t I have my friends over on Sunday?” I delighted in saying, “Bring that request up at Family Meeting.”
- End with Fun
Play a game, watch a movie, go for a walk or share a dessert.
Here is a 4.30-minute video about the importance of Family Meetings by Good Inside:
Do you see how family meetings can reduce family stress, solve problems, and increase the joy and sanity in your home? Please, if you hold a family meeting, let us know how it went. OK?
Please check out these related posts:
How to Find the Sweet Spot When Parents Disagree
How to Resign from Making Happy Children
May 4, 2020 @ 2:57 am
Hi there,
Great family meeting guidelines. As I know, a family should be the powerhouse for a human being. That is why we should take the highest priority to resolve any family issue as soon as possible. What do you thinking?
Priyota Parma Consultant, Familima
May 11, 2020 @ 1:09 am
Thank you Priyota,
I appreciate your comment and question. I avoid the word ‘should’ as it is too often used to guilt people into action. . . rather than encouraging them to take kind, cooperative, helpful or ethical action.
I agree that the sooner a problem or conflict is acknowledged and addressed, the better. Emotional wounds, like physical ones, if not given attention, tend to worsen. Little grievance can pile up and magnify. Deal with the little issues of life and you won’t make a mountain out of an ant hill.
All the best at your next family meeting!
November 27, 2018 @ 9:52 pm
These are some really useful ideas Patricia! I appreciate the practical tools to add to my parenting toolkit. I love the idea of ending with something fun – I’ve been trying to institute family games night for years… two birds with one stone!
November 27, 2018 @ 10:55 pm
Thank you, for the acknowledgement, Allissa. I, too, was excited when I first learned about the idea of Family Meetings. They worked well with our family of five and during a year when we had a college student living with us. When I worked at a family counselling agency I often encouraged parents to try them out.
Family Meetings work quite children with children over seven years of age. As you children move into the pre-teen and teen-ager years, these meetings can be a god-send to have in place. I bet you can imagine how helpful they are with a spirited youth.
But it is much harder to convince a youth to participate than a younger child. We found that once our kids discovered the win-win of Family Meetings, they would not miss out.
Beginning the habit is the hardest part. One of the children might choose not to participate. But then they see the benefits of airing complaints, making requests,and usually getting what they want, depending on issues safety, health, and age appropriateness.
By the way, leveraging the ‘fun’ aspect of Family Meetings also encourages participation. The Grandmother Law of ‘after’ works very well. You know what your children’s fun currency is; that is what is a fun treat. Then you use it ‘after’. It sounds like this:
“After our Family Meeting we will go bowling.”
“After our Family Meeting we will have popcorn and watch the movie.”
“After our Family Meeting we will play the board game.”
The Grandmother Law of ‘after’ can be used to avoid saying “no” to your children. I remember our son asking for a car. We said something like: “Of course! After you save up the money, we’ll help you purchase one.”
Good luck!