Improve Your Relationship Communication by Listening

Patricia Morgan Communication Skills communication, listening, relationships 0

moth taped to remind about the importance of listening in relationship communication

The motivational speaker, Zig Ziglar, once said, “People often say that motivation does not last. Well, neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.” The same philosophy holds true for listening, whether in intimate, family, or working-relationship interactions. Repeatedly, attending to your relationship communication by attentive listening is crucial.

However, many of us fail to recognize occasions when our listening muscle is weak.

My Personal Example of Failing to Listen

As a young mother, I damaged a vital friendship. My husband, children, and I moved to a new city, and I invited my friend to come with her child to visit. I was thrilled when she agreed to come by train for a weekend. With my typical enthusiasm, I shared with her many aspects of my life explaining all the details from the story behind planting the tulips to how I had successfully toilet trained our youngest child. Then, I shared some more and some more.

To her credit, once back in her own home, she wrote me a letter telling me how she left feeling invisible, unappreciated, and disconnected. She never spoke to me again.

It was a hard lesson about the importance of listening. After buckets of tears, I vowed I would indeed learn to listen. First, I needed to clue into my blocks to authentic listening.

Listening Facts

Few of us know how to really listen. Here are some facts:

75 percent of the time, we are distracted, preoccupied or forgetful.
More than 35 business studies indicate that listening is a top skill needed for success in business.
Less than two percent of us have had formal education about listening.
Source: Trinity College

Blocks to Listening

Most of us have blocks to effective listening. Being aware is the first step to changing them. We might:

Like me, in the above story, feel socially starved. Then we tend to unconsciously deliver a It-Is-All About-Me monologue.
Become triggered by something the speaker said. Then we become lost in our own emotional state. You might then need to calm down your own painful feelings. The other possibility is that you are living with trauma, which needs to be addressed.
Tend to argue with the speaker’s feelings. Doing so can escalate into feelings of frustration or even rage. Alternatively, people who feel heard and validated tend to become calmer.
Jump to the wrong conclusion that the speaker’s problem is our problem. This can lead to self-doubt and a sense of inadequacy, as we may find ourselves asking, “What did I do wrong? What am I supposed to do differently?” Additionally, many of us may impulsively offer inappropriate advice or try to fix others’ problems without being invited to do so. We might also take over the conversation with inappropriate or uninvited advice.
Make assumptions and stereotypes: When we assume we already know what the speaker is going to say or judge them based on stereotypes, we may not give their words the attention and consideration they deserve. This can lead to significant misunderstandings and misunderstandings.

Recognizing and addressing these blocks to listening is essential for fostering healthier communication and deeper connections in our relationships.

The Importance of Listening to Relationship Communication

Here are some benefits of truly listening:

We better understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and perspectives, fostering empathy and connection.
Effective conflict resolution is made possible in an open and respectful manner.
We build trust. When others feel heard and validated, they develop trust in the relationship. A strong foundation is created for intimacy and commitment.
People feel validated. Listening validates others’ experiences and emotions. They then feel valued and appreciated, which strengthens an emotional bond.
Listening prevents misunderstandings: By actively listening and clarifying what we hear we can avoid misinterpretations and miscommunications, reducing the likelihood of conflicts and misunderstandings.

Example in From Woe to WOW

When researching for my book, From Woe to WOW: How Resilient Women Succeed at Work, seven survey respondents (out of 376) described using listening to deal with challenges, misunderstandings and conflict. One woman reported that when, “team members were burning out, there was a rippling effect on the team.” She, “Listened, created new opportunities for them when able, said no more consistently and let things go.”

Listening can be a powerful remedy to others’ discontent. Alternatively, lack of listening can create disconnect and loss of respect.

Listening Shows Care

Through a caring ear, others will sense that we respect them, are present and are safe to share their thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and maybe their dreams. The old cliché is true; it is useful to have a sounding board . The late poet and author, Alice Duer Miller, described it like this,

You can listen like a blank wall or like a splendid auditorium where every sound comes back fuller and richer.”

Listening Helps Calm Emotions

Sometimes, we need a mirror, someone to witness our struggle or joy, someone to witness who we are.

When we are in a high feeling state, there is little energy to fuel clear thinking. The brain goes on automatic pilot. Some people appear to flip into another personality.

Agnes might suddenly turn into Anxious Agnes, Angry Anne, or Suffering Sally. Listening helps bring people’s brains back to a functioning mode. Don’t ask a sobbing or fist-clenched employee when a report will be complete. Listen first.

Two Beginning Steps to Improve Listening

How do we begin to listen with empathy, not with apathetic uncaring demeanour nor with a smothering, “poor you, pity you” messages?

First, we can begin with Stephen Covey’s most quoted phrase of “seek first to understand the other.” It is the seeking that is key to offering our attention and presence. This search does not require us to agree with the feelings or beliefs of the speaker. It does require openness. I once heard it said, “If you are not willing to change your mind, you are not really listening.” That’s especially true when engaged in a disagreement or conflict.
Second, we can read about listening skills (see blogs below) or take a class. Then we practice!

Conclusion

Please commit yourself to improved listening. If you are a raving extrovert, like me, now and then you will lapse into monologues. Add a little self-compassion and get back on track with your listening ears. Your relationship communication will dramatically improve. Just listen!