Easy and Powerful Steps to Improve Your Listening Skills

Improve Your Listening Skills

“Ya, ya! I am listening,” I said as I unloaded the dishwasher. No! I was not. I was not using the listening skills that I know and profess helps improve relationships.

I thought, the family dog does a better job at providing unconditional attention and affection. Indeed in February 2024 the American Psychiatric Association Healthy Minds Monthly Poll released jointly with the American Veterinary Medical Association reported on the mental health benefits of pets.

Nearly two-thirds of pet owners say that their animals offer companionship (65%), are a true friend (65%) and provide unconditional love and support (64%).

Those surveyed indicated that pets also:

• • Provide a calming presence (62%).
  • Help reduce stress and anxiety (62%).
  • Encourage them to be physically active (35%).
  • Add structure to their schedule (29%).
  • Increase social connections with others (19%).

So, how do we get on par with our pet or at least improve our listening? The basic listening skills described below only require commitment, care and a wee bit of practice. Regardless of how easy they are, they are powerful in helping others feel heard, cared about and often healed. So powerful that you can you listen even better than the family pet.

There are many benefits when someone truly listens. Here are but a few.

Eight Benefits to Effective Listening Skills

1. Increases relationship trust and rapport.
2. Reduces conflict and increases mutually acceptable solutions.
3. Helps reduce stress, anxiety, and depression.
4. Improves productivity of teams and coworkers when they feel heard.
5. Supports problem-solving and informed decision-making with relevant information.
6. Enhances leadership by incorporating qualities such as supporting problem-solving and building trust.
7. Develops cultural sensitivity and respect by avoiding assumptions and practicing true listening.
8. Provides a sense of the difference between compassion and empathy, aiding in emotional understanding and connection.

Regardless of the many benefits of listening there are barriers that can impede us from making meaningful connection, centering ourselves, and truly listening.  Here are some of those listening challenges.

Seven Barriers to Effective Listening

1. Distractions: External distractions such as preparing dinner, a screaming baby, or a ringing phone can make it difficult to focus and listen effectively. Minimizing these distractions is crucial.
2. Preconceived Notions, Biases, and Assumptions: Holding onto preconceived notions or biases about the speaker can hinder active listening. It’s important to approach each conversation with an open mind, even with people you’ve known for a long time.
3. Lack of Empathy: Failing to empathize with the speaker and not knowing how to deepen the listening experience can hinder effective communication.
4. Rapid Response or Interrupting: While interrupting can be acceptable in dynamic conversations, it can disrupt the flow of respectful listening. Interrupting should be minimized, except when done skillfully and for a specific purpose.
5. Emotional Dysregulation: If the listener is emotionally overwhelmed or triggered, their ability to make meaningful connections through listening is compromised. It’s important to recognize when one is emotionally dysregulated and take the time to calm down before attempting to listen effectively.
6. Listener’s Trauma or Distress: When either the listener or the speaker is triggered by distress or trauma, it requires a special and gentle form of listening. If the listener is in this state, they may not be able to listen effectively and should prioritize self-care.
7. Having a Personal Agenda: Some individuals may feign listening but have a hidden personal agenda, seeking agreement or compliance. True listening involves seeking to understand the speaker’s perspective before advancing one’s own agenda.

These barriers highlight the importance of active and respectful listening, free from distractions and biases, in order to truly understand and connect with others.

How to Improve Your Listening

Stephen Covey, in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People famously wrote,

Seek first to understand.”

Seeking first to understand is the beginning attitude to effective listening. Demonstrate a willingness to listen and to understand. How? Set your intention to actively listen. When you are intentionally listening it may look like you are doing little, but you are indeed focused, attentive and active! Consider yourself an active listener with these steps.

Step One:

Stop what you are doing. Sit down so that you can both be attentive and relaxed.  Indicate you are listening with open body language, gentle eye contact and the words, “I’m listening.”

Add Silence

Step Two:

1. Now and then say, “Thank you”, or “Okay”, or “Tell me more”.
2. When you do not understand say, “I don’t understand”, or “Help me understand.” Another prompt is, “Please tell me that in a different way.”

Step Three:

Add to Step Two.  When you hear emotions in the voice, catch the word or phrase associated with the feeling and say, “Tell me . . . ” Example: “Tell me more about doing it all alone.”  The phrase “Tell me more” is helpful in almost every conversation whether you are a designated listener or not.

Empathic listening skills happen in this step. An effective listener is not just tapping into the words or story but all the associated feelings.

Add Silence

Optional Step 1: Guess the Speaker’s Feelings

Those with a strong feeling vocabulary can help the speaker by guessing what feelings may be under the words. Say,  “It sounds like you are feeling sad.” Feelings tell us everything about what is important to us but little about how to manage the world.  The best of listening helps the speaker discover his or her inner world of thoughts and feelings. Make your reflective listening a guess. You don’t know exactly what the speaker is feeling. But when you imagine yourself in their situation, what might you feel? Make your guess sound tentative. The speaker will nod in agreement, name another emotion or simply say “No.” Remember, it is a comfort to know someone is seeking to understand. Here are few prompts:

• “It sounds like you are feeling . . .
• “Might you be feeling . . . ?”
• “If I were you, I would feel . . . “
• “I see tears. Looks like you are feeling hurt?”
• “Merely hearing this I feel . . . You?”

Optional Step 2: Include Questions

Ask a few open-ended questions using how, who, what, when and where to help you follow the speaker’s story.  Be careful not to ask a lot of questions as they tend to take the speaker back into thinking mode.  To begin, we want the speaker to engage with their internal feelings.  Questions, however, can be very helpful once we are ready to think about solutions.

Optional Step 3: Summarize

When the speaker’s feelings calm, summarize in one sentence the problem or theme. Example: “It sounds like you do not feel valued here.”

Optional Step 4: Problem Solve

This step moves the speaker and listener into problem solving. Ask, “Do you want to talk about some solutions to this problem?”

Conclusion

Listening effectively does not come naturally and yet it is a rare and tender gift we can give others. Thank you, for your willingness to develop your listening skills. Let us know how you do and what road blocks you run into. OK?

Please check out these related posts:

• Conversation Quizzes: How to Effectively Speak and Listen Better
• Want to Wreck a Relationship? Do Not Listen
• How to Mend a Broken Relationshi