How to Stop Your Relationship Drama: Part 2
How to Stop Your Relationship Drama: Part 1 describes the origins
of the Drama Triangle. It also describes the three communication traps of victim, attacker and rescuer. Enacting these roles puts us in relationship conflict. Please read Part 1 first, along with the FREE and downloadable Stop the Drama Poster.
The Empowerment Triangle
There are three healthy alternatives to enacting the victim, attacker or rescuer roles. Knowing and putting these alternatives into action will help you better stay out of a dysfunctional relationship pattern. They will help you establish healthier and more effective ways to speak, listen and connect.
It will take some practice to easily and consciously choose to either stay out of the Drama Triangle or move out of it. To begin here are questions to help assess if you are in the Drama Triangle:
- What am I focusing on? Am I focused on problems or solutions?
- How am I relating to myself and others?
- What am I saying? Do my words sound like a victim, attacker or rescuer?
- Am I finger pointing? Am I treating an adult like a baby? Is my posture slumped? Am I teary-eyed for no reason? Do I whine, blame or show pity?
Relationships deepen when we interact with attitude of love, compassion, and acceptance. If you are in an intimate relationship make an agreement; “I will catch myself if I step into The Drama. I will say, I am in The Drama. Then we can start our conversation from a healthier perspective. Ok?”
1. Move from The Victim to The Survivor/Thriver
People who consider themselves survivors, or even better, thrivers, focus on goals and outcomes, and see problems as challenges.
They demonstrate clarity of vision, hopefulness, resourcefulness and resilience.
- Survivors accepts personal responsibility and are accountable for their actions.
- Survivors believe, I always have choices. I have the power to create a future not bound by my past.
Ask yourself the eight questions below to check how often you use the behaviors of a survivor/thriver:
- Do I have a sense of purpose or a passion that gives meaning to my life?
- Do I have goals in regards to the person I want to be, have and do?
- Am I committed to my goals and work consistently towards them?
- Do I thoughtfully evaluate my current situation?
- Do I preview and review my choices and actions to make sure they are goal focused?
- Do I daily demonstrate that I am responsible for myself and am accountable for my actions?
- Do I actively learn from my experiences by gaining insight, knowledge, and skills so I do not repeat mistakes?
- Do I face the difficult aspects about myself and my habits?
2. Move from The Attacker/Persecutor to The Challenger
People who challenge are willing to appropriately confront others with the truth. They avoid blaming, criticizing and judging. They step into being truth-tellers. Challengers point out facts with confidence and compassion.
- The challenger uses assertive communication: For example they will use I Statements such as “I feel _____(emotion)_______when/because ________(behavior)_______. I request ________(different behavior)__________.”
- Challengers believe, I assertively confront behaviors in myself and others that are negatively impacting me.
- Challengers can help us correct our mistakes. They can also help us avoid disaster or significant problems.
Ask yourself the four questions below to check how often you use the behaviors of a challenger:
- Do I use assertive communication?
- Do I confront inappropriate and disrespectful behaviors but accept the person without judgment?
- Do I accept conditions and circumstances that cannot be changed while making the best of the situation?
- Do I clearly state my expectations and boundaries?
3. Move from The Rescuer to The Coach
People who coach listen deeply and acknowledge the experiences and feelings of others.
- Coaches ask questions with curiosity to help others survive and thrive.
- Coaches believe I can listen with empathy, but I can not solve your problems.
Ask yourself the six questions below to check how often you use the behaviors of the coach:
- Do I say no to requests for help when I do not willingly and freely want to help? Or when I don’t have the skills to effectively help.
- Do I listen deeply with empathy?
- Do I acknowledge what others are experiencing and feeling?
- Do I ask questions to help others clarify their goals? For example, “What do you want to happen?” or “What is your plan?”
- Do I ask questions to help others assess their current situation? For example, “What is getting in the way of achieving your goal?”
- Do I ask questions to elicit healthy actions? For example, “What do you need to do next? What is one step you can take towards your goal?”
Results of The Empowerment Triangle
Here are nine dynamics related to the empowerment triangle:
- Goals and Outcomes are the main focus.
- Typical behaviors include self-awareness, accountability, assertiveness with clear communication, empathizing and active (deep) listening.
- Feelings include a sense of passion and purpose, hope, and self-empowerment.
- Power is primarily personal power and perceiving others as equally powerful.
- Responsibility ownership is clear. Individuals only accept responsibility own actions and the consequential results.
- Relationships boundaries are clear, consistent and maintained
- Expectations of self and others are known and expressed.
- Actions are thoughtfully chosen and focused on goals.
- Outcomes effect positive change and often result in movement towards goals, personal growth and learning, resiliency to circumstances beyond one’s control and more satisfying relationships.
Remember! You can move out of relationship drama by minimizing enacting the roles of victim, attacker and rescuer. Congratulations for reading about the Drama Triangle. I would be pleased if you let us know how using Karpman’s work enhanced your relationships. Please leave a message in the comment box below.
References:
- Eric Berne: Games People Play (1964)
- Stephen Karpman: 1968 article, “Fairy Tales and Script Drama Analysis” (1968) at http://www.karpmandramatriangle.com
Related Books:
How To Break Free of the Drama Triangle and Victim Consciousness by Barry Weinhold and Janae Weinhold Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne
April 16, 2020 @ 5:05 pm
Hi Patricia, I am interested in how you move from rescuer to coach with a victim who has genuine depression and anxiety?
They may not be able to make their own choices such as seeking medical help. Any thoughts?
April 23, 2020 @ 11:02 pm
Hi Philip,
Thank you for your questions. The Drama Triangle is a theory or tool to help you deliver a clear message while avoiding contributing to a dysfunctional communication pattern. The Drama Triangle describes three key roles we humans tend to ‘play’ with the outcome being conflict, hurt or pain. Only you can decide if you are ‘playing’ the role of victim, blamer/persecutor or rescuer. Only you can decide to move out of the role.
If you have a relationship with someone who is genuinely depressed or anxious and they are dependant on you to make decisions this is not ‘playing’ inviting you to ‘play’ a role. That person is an actual victim of a mental health issue and may need, as you alluded, medical attention. You may need to intervene . . . not as a blamer, not as a rescuer but as a life-saver.
If you pick up on thoughts of harm to self or others you morally and ethically need to call the police or take some kind of protective action.
Any psychological theory is as good as the context in which it is helpful. The Drama Triangle is an effective tool for the ‘average Joe and Jill’ who have repeated and conflicted interactions and don’t know how to get out it to start healthier and more productive dynamics.
As my hubby says, “Don’t use a screwdriver when you need a hammer to hit the nail.”
Hope my comments help.
Best, Patricia
October 31, 2016 @ 10:20 am
Great tips and communicated in a way that is understandable to all… I use this with my clients… often times its very much an AH HA moment!
Thank you!
October 31, 2016 @ 9:45 pm
Yes Tara,
I have also experienced Ah Ha moments with clients . . . and groups. Your clients are fortunate to have you.
August 31, 2016 @ 8:16 pm
These are really helpful suggestions and questions to ask oneself. I often see ways of identifying problems but not so much on how to fix them. Thank you for sharing.
August 31, 2016 @ 10:19 pm
Thank you for the acknowledgement, Cynthia. I hope you downloaded the Stop the Drama chart. It provides a quick reference to support you getting out of conflicting conversations. Here’s to your success in reducing relationship drama.
March 14, 2016 @ 11:02 am
Thank you so very much for this wisdom. Understanding the different roles is certainly helpful as I go forward with my guidance from Patricia. I see how we all play these different roles at different times, with different people, and with different situations.
March 14, 2016 @ 3:08 pm
Thank you, Nicole for letting us know that this blog was helpful. Many people, like you, have found that identifying where they are functioning on the Drama Triangle, in the victim, attacker or rescuer role, helpful to their personal well-being and their relationships. They, like you, can then choose to move into a healthier and better functioning role. I hope you printed off the complimentary poster to remind you of how to recover and communicate in an effective manner.
January 16, 2014 @ 8:47 am
Really insightful models, Patricia! Thanks for sharing these. I always thought “rescuer” was a duty, but now I see it isn’t healthy either. And neither are the others! It’s wonderful to know you!
January 16, 2014 @ 8:40 pm
Good insight Jacqueline. Certainly there are those who are genuine victims and need “a rescue”–those who are vulnerable; disabled, children, the very ill and those dealing with crisis. What the Drama Triangle describes are psychological dynamics where people put themselves in the roles of “victim,” “rescuer,” and “persecutor/blamer.” Thank you for the acknowledgment. It is wonderful to know you, too!
October 22, 2015 @ 9:07 am
Thank you for that insight. Very interesting. I have a question regarding being a victim and needing to be rescued. I am romantically involved with a man who has a huge drink problem, but which I now understand comes from a place inside of him where there are huge issues based on his own vulnerability due to past hurts, relationships with his overbearing mother and two ex-wives, being sent to boarding school, failing in his career and being struck off and goodness knows what else. He desperately wants to stop drinking and begs me to help him. I have now been told by a counsellor that he will not stop drinking until he gets counselling for his “demons” as he calls them. I feel I need to “rescue” him because I am, at the moment, in a stronger position than him, and I love him and want him to get well. Is that wrong – is he truly a “victim” of the drink and in need of “rescuing” until he feels stronger in himself and more able to take that responsibility over himself? I do not want to be dominant to him, or vice versa – I would love us to eventually have an “equal” relationship.
October 23, 2015 @ 6:56 am
Please note that I preface my comments with ‘from my personal insight, knowledge and experience’. You will need to make the best decisions you can, based on your personal insight, knowledge and experience. You know your situation and lover better than mine, regardless of me attempting to walk in your shoes.
You share with us that you are in love with a man with ‘a huge drinking problem’. Already, if I were your mother, I would be feeling what I call Mother Flutter, a deep concern.
One way to think of addictions is a way to avoid emotional pain. You write of a number of traumatic events in his life.
You write that your lover desperately wants to stop drinking and begs you to help him. Why, then has he not booked himself into a treatment center? And why haven’t you driven him or help deliver him there?
There are a number of ways to stop drinking. One of them is getting counseling. Other’s include a treatment center (sometimes following an organized intervention by loved ones), Alcoholics Anonymous, other out-patient group support, one-on-one counseling or clean and sober coaching, going wilderness camping without a bottle of alcohol, experiencing a spiritual awakening, or plain personal resolve that includes changing environments and daily habits.
This may counter what the counselor told you. But one thing is clear, if nothing changes, neither will he. Which brings me to the point of encouraging you to change your relationship with him. If you continue to ‘rescue’, you continue to enable. Please consider counseling for yourself, or consider attending Alnon–support for those who live with or used to be involved with people with an addition.
Please take a thorough look at the Drama Triangle to discern if you might have a habit of avoiding your own painful feelings while ‘rescuing’ him. He is not a ‘victim’ of drinking. He has choices; all be it, hard ones.
I am not clear what he asks you to do; lock him in a room without alcohol, attend to him as he goes through shivers, sweats and all manner of withdrawal and then monitor him? He might have a seizure! All those steps to sobriety are better done by professionals who have the proper know-how, resources and back-up. Please do not attempt to do this on your own.
Maybe it is time to look him in the eye as an equal and say, “I will take you where you can truly get the help you need. I will be there to cheer you on!”
August 8, 2013 @ 7:25 am
Great insights. I will use them and share them. Sadly drama is in most relationships. These tips are empowering. 🙂
August 8, 2013 @ 1:56 pm
Thank you Manna. I feel glad you find the tips on turning painful communication into a healthy dialogue empowering. The real personal power comes from putting these tips into action. Consider printing off the STOP the Drama poster and posting it. It will guide you out of playing victim, persecutor and rescuer and into a role of survivor (thriver), challenger or coach. Simply go to this link, scroll to the bottom and download STOP the Drama!
January 6, 2013 @ 4:15 pm
Very helpful information. Very useful too. Thank you Patricia!
January 6, 2013 @ 5:54 pm
So glad you found the concept of “playing” being a rescuer, a persecutor or a victim helpful. Think of it as dance. You can change your step—step out of your dysfunctional role.
The dance stops! Your partner might push back wanting to dance the old and familiar steps; steps that tend to result in hurt. But your partner might be interested in learning how to move more gracefully with you across the floor. Hopefully the latter happens. I think it is worth taking the risk. All the best Nancy!
May 7, 2011 @ 2:45 am
Patricia –
I am glad to see that you are sharing TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic). I would appreciate your adding my book, “The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) to your resources and references.
To the Creator in you!
David
May 9, 2011 @ 2:08 pm
Hi David,
As far as I know, I do not refer to The Empowerment Dynamic in my blog but I gladlly share with my readers your book ,The Power of TED* that includes your tool, TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic). Readers can learn more at http://www.powerofted.com
January 26, 2011 @ 3:59 pm
Patricia – thanks again. Excellent information that I will put to use in my relationships.
January 26, 2011 @ 10:27 pm
Hi again Cheryl,
Thank you for the acknowledgement. You are about one in 500 to do so. So, congratulations in the department of “expressing appreciation!”