Fed Up With the Kids? How to Manage Parental Anger

Losing your temper as a parent is common, but it can create unnecessary family problems. When anger is not managed well, it can negatively impact relationships with your children, your spouse, and even your own well-being. Yes, parental anger, if not reigned in, usually becomes a significant family problem.

My Parental Anger Story

I know! As a young mother experiencing significant stress, I developed an anger management problem that created a toxic environment in our home. My stress became a source of harm, not just to our children but to our marriage as well. It led to escalating tension, resentment, and emotional distance. And the physical toll—stress-induced health issues—was beginning to take its own form. I could feel myself unraveling emotionally, mentally, and physically.

At the time, I would describe myself as a wreck—overwhelmed, isolated, and struggling to keep my emotions in check. I remember one raging moment. I lashed out at one of our children and the rage quickly turned to  shame and regret. I collapsed  in tears, crawled to the phone, and made a crucial decision: I resigned from my day job and entered therapy. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. In therapy, I was introduced to trauma healing and the concept of anger management.

Now, after commitment to my personal growth and therapy, I am proud to say that I not only handle the power of anger more effectively but I also direct it for good. I can use the energy of anger to create boundaries, protect my peace.  I still experience anger, but I now have the tools to manage it in a way that benefits everyone involved.

The Research on Parental Anger

Research shows that when parents frequently explode with anger, it can lead to long-term emotional and behavioral problems in children.  Children exposed to high levels of parental anger are more likely to struggle with anxiety, depression, and aggression. These children may have trouble developing healthy relationships, both with their peers and their own future partners.

Nancy Samalin, in her book Love and Anger: The Parental Dilemma, wrote:

“Unchecked expressions of anger often lead to our making negative statements that communicate to our children that we think they are unlovable.” ​

If you find yourself struggling with anger, especially as a parent, I encourage you to do something about it. Anger management is not only about avoiding conflict; it’s about learning how to process emotions in a healthy way and redirecting them in ways that improve your life and your family environment. It’s within your power to take that first step toward change.

Once triggered into feeling anger it takes focus and energy to become grounded. Moving from feeling angry and distressed to having fun and laughter is not easy. But here are some tips to help you.

7 Tips to Manage Parental Anger

1. The next time you are triggered into feeling angry try one or more of these ideas:
2. Ask yourself what you are really feeling? You are probably feeling powerless, overworked, unappreciated or all three. Say it out loud. I feel powerless and I am acting it out!
3. Ask yourself what you need. Your children may not be able to give you what you need. You may need to give it to yourself. Or perhaps you can seek out a supportive adult who can give you what you want. You may need someone to say, “You are doing the best you can.” Or “It’s OK to take a break from your responsibilities.” Or “You deserve support and help.”
4.  Write in your day timer ME TIME. Make appointments with yourself for self-care. Add self-compassion to the mix. Have some fun. Sometimes having fun requires planning and commitment.
5. Do not make having fun, playing and laughing into another chore. Some days perhaps a good cry would better lighten the atmosphere. Add some self-compassion.
   Learn stress management and anger management skills. Two to six counselling session can assist with this.
6. .Spend regular and fun time with your children. Be willing to play and be silly.  Let them teach you that giggling and making a mess can be relaxing. Yes, really!
7. Commit to a behavior change. The next time you notice yourself yelling at, or being aggressive with, your child try these:

• Change whatever you are yelling to yelling, “I love you!!!” Yes! Force it out of your mouth. “I LOVE YOU!”  You will notice your brain shaking, even asking, “What did I just say? I can not be that angry!”
• Say out loud to your child and to yourself, “Oh! Oh! I have not been taking good enough care of myself. Excuse me I am going to go do that.” Then do it even if you just make yourself a cup of tea.
• Do something different. Surrender and lie down on the floor. Notice how ridiculous you look and feel. Cry or laugh down there.

Note: If nothing stops your angry outbursts give a sincere apology. Then please commit yourself to some serious counseling and support. Often six to eight sessions followed by focused practice can make significant change.

You and your loved ones deserve a home devoid of out-of-control parental anger.

Please check out these related posts:

• 7 Concepts to Get a Grip on Your Anger
• From Blowing a Fuse to Emotional Regulation
• How to Be Aware of Emotions and Use Feeling Words

Consider purchasing my little stress management program, the Canadian Best Seller, Frantic Free,  167 Ways to Calm Down and Lighten Up. Only $2.95 in e-book format.

Other Related Books:

The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner
Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion by Gary Chapman
The Light-Hearted Approach: 87 Ways to Be an Upbeat Parent by Patricia Morgan