How to Deal with Your Acting-Up Teenager or Adult Child

Stand up to Your Adult Child or Acting-Up Teenager

An acting up teenager or adult child can bring unexpected grieve to families. Recently a client shared her struggle to set clear boundaries with her adult child, who was treating her abusively due to a drug addiction. She wanted support to create a strategy, and I soon pulled out my copy of How to Deal with your Acting-Up Teenager by Bayard and Bayard.

Years ago, I facilitated a program for parents dealing with their teenagers’ challenging behaviors including swearing, breaking curfew, skipping school, promiscuity, illegal drug use, and violence.  Many of those parents wanted to find simple and quick treatments for their out of control teenagers. But seldom are out-of-control teenager programs effective if the youth do not want to cooperate. In our program we used the Bayard book as a guide. After describing the process to my client, she decided to use the framework to plan her next steps. Here are the steps she used, and you can, too.

Step One: List Bothersome Kid Behaviors

List all the behaviors your kid does that bother you. Here is a list of acting out behavior examples:

1. Uses pot
2. Lacks clear communication
3. Drinks too much alcohol
4. Orders 2 drinks when he goes to dinner with us (and we pay)
5. Is inconsiderate to me and his friends
6. Avoids support
7. Carelessly spends allowance we give him
8. Seldom expresses appreciation
9. Demonstrates little discipline
10. Sleeps in the day and is out at night
11. Breaks agreements
12. Shows no remorse
13. Lies
14. Speaks with entitlement
15. Swears
16. Blames others for his mistakes

Step Two: Make Two Lists
Separate the bothersome behavior list into two lists:

1. Kid-Life List
2. Parent-Life List

The Kid-Life list is for behaviors your kid does which may have consequences for her life, but will not affect your future life. You will probably find that some items clearly affect only your kid and thus belong on the Kid-Life pile; others clearly have consequences for your life and so do not belong on this pile. They belong in the Parent-Life list.

If you become stuck deciding whether an item should go on the Kid-Life list, ask yourself whether you have any direct power or control over this behavior or not. If you have no control, it belongs on the Kid-Life list.

Kid-Life List

1. Uses pot
2. Lacks clear communication
3. Drinks too much alcohol
4. Is inconsiderate to me and his friends
5. Avoids support
6. Seldom expresses appreciation
7. Demonstrates little discipline
8. Sleeps in the day and is out at night
9. Shows no remorse
10. Lies
11. Speaks with entitlement
12. Swears
13. Blames others for his mistakes

Step Three: Resign from Owning Your Kid’s Problems

Stop accepting responsibility for the Kid-Life list. Develop a trust that your kid can and will make the right decisions in these matters for herself and let her know you have that trust.

Create a brief statement such as, “I love you. I believe you are capable of learning from your mistakes and making smart choices. From now on, I resign from accepting responsibility for your behaviors. Because I love you and want the best for you, I will do my best to support healthy decisions. Otherwise, your life is in your hands.”

Step Four: Focus on Your Problems

Review the items on the Parent-Life list. These behaviors affect your life and most likely, you have some control over them, control you have not yet exercised.

Adult-Life List

1. Orders 2 drinks when he goes to dinner with us (and we pay)
2. Carelessly spends allowance we give him
3. Breaks agreements

You may decide to add items to the Parent-Life list based on your rights.

1. Being treated with courtesy.
2. Doing as you wish with your own time.
3. Reasonable peace & quiet.
4. Having those living in your home carry their weight and not freeloading.
5. Locking your home in the evening and knowing no one will come in afterwards.
6. Having your own relationships with your spouse and friends.

Commit yourself to standing up for them.

Step Five: Stand Up for Yourself

Look at your Parent-Life list which, if a roommate did, would lead to almost anyone agreeing is unfair. It applies to items such as:

• Steals my money
• Won’t do chores
• Parties in the house
• Uses drugs in the house

Establish the fairness of what you want. This includes an honest attempt to negotiate. You will make a clear statement of what you want and the consequence if it is not honored. “I want you to either order only one drink when we go out, or I will not pay for your meal.”

Establish credibility in your word by sustaining your boundaries. Do what you say you will do. Stand firm in your position. Take control where you have control–your thinking, speaking and actions. Here are some ideas:

1. Make a list of household guidelines, preferably with your kid involved. If uncooperative, make the guideline anyway. Ensure you can take action to protect your guidelines. Some of the following ideas might help.
2. Treat your kid like you would a roommate.
3. Go on a parental strike–no cooking, chauffeuring, loaning your car, giving, or loaning money, or paying for a cell-phone plan.
4. Put a padlock on the fridge.
5. Keep your money and valuables in a safe.
6. Put a lock on your bedroom door.
7. Move the tv and other family electronics to your locked bedroom.
8. Leave the room if you are being abusively spoken to.
9. Call the police if you are being physically threatened or attacked.
10. Lock the doors at curfew. For under-age kids: Leave money for a taxi and the address of a family friend’s house in the mailbox. Ahead of time, ask for your friends’ support.
11. For older adult children, give a warning that you will evict them if disrespectful behaviour continues. Follow through. Pack up their belongings and place on the doorstep. Change the house locks.

Choose to do what makes you feel in control of your life. Do not take action to teach your kid a lesson or to get even. Choose actions that you can do for yourself and to protect your own well-being.

You cannot fix others. You cannot control others. But you can influence by example. “Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.” Albert Schweitzer

Are you curious about the outcome of my client’s situation with her acting-up adult off-spring? In the end my client’s stand brought her back to her own self-worth, and I was reminded that the best gift we can give our children is to create our own great life!