The Marriage Hack: Stop the Typical Love Decline
The Marriage Hack
There is exciting news for long term relationships! Dr. Eli Finkel, a professor of social psychology at Northwestern University, and his colleagues noticed that we have come to expect our spouses to fill roles traditionally filled by platonic friends; relationships such as co-workers, neighbours, and friends. This puts unnecessary pressure, and sometimes conflict into our love relationship. The solution may be The Marriage Hack.
While the specific details and findings of Dr. Finkel’s work may vary, the general idea behind “The Marriage Hack” revolves around the concept of nurturing and improving long-term relationships through deliberate and structured efforts.
Key principles associated with The Marriage Hack
- Regular Maintenance: The Marriage Hack emphasizes the importance of ongoing and deliberate efforts to maintain and enhance the quality of a marriage or long-term relationship. Just like any other aspect of life, relationships require regular attention and investment.
- Structured Check-Ins: Dr. Finkel suggests that couples engage in structured check-ins or conversations to evaluate the state of their relationship. These check-ins provide a dedicated time for partners to discuss their needs, desires, and concerns.
- Goal Setting: Partners are encouraged to set specific goals for their relationship. These goals can range from improving communication to finding new ways to connect emotionally. Goal setting provides direction and purpose to the relationship.
- Flexibility and Adaptability: The Marriage Hack recognizes that relationships evolve over time. Couples are encouraged to adapt their strategies and goals as their circumstances change. Flexibility is key to long-term success.
- Prioritizing Quality Time: Spending quality time together is emphasized as a way to strengthen the emotional bond between partners. This can include activities that promote connection and intimacy.
- Self-Reflection: Dr. Finkel encourages individuals to engage in self-reflection to understand their own needs, values, and expectations in the relationship. Self-awareness can lead to more effective communication and problem-solving.
- External Support: Seeking external support, such as relationship counseling or therapy, is considered a valid and helpful step for couples facing challenges in their marriage. Professional guidance can provide tools and strategies for improvement.
While these principles can be applied broadly to various relationships, the effectiveness of any relationship approach may vary depending on the unique dynamics and circumstances of each couple.
Our Unconscious Love Expectations
Finkel and his team identified unrealistic marital expectations. Too many of us expect our spouses to listen, to help, to inspire us, to uplift us, to keep our secrets, to be there at crucial moments, and of course, be our lover and companion. But at the same time Finkel’s team noted that couple contentment typically declines and continues to do so year after year. As Finkel says,
Marriage left on its own will typically decline in satisfaction.”
Marriage Research
Finkel and his colleagues took on the task of seeking an effective intervention. In a 2013 Tedx Talk Chicago, Finkel describes the research behind creating The Marriage Hack; hack meaning to stop the decline.
One hundred and twenty couples were directed to write about a recent argument. It is common knowledge that most long term relationships experience conflict. Here are some sample conflict topics these couples reported:
- A partner not listening or at least perceived as not listening.
- Nagging.
- Either not enough or too much sex.
- Differences in disciplining the children.
Then the couples were directed to write about the following three points:
1) Think of the conflict as a neutral third-party who wants the best for everybody.
2) What obstacles will you confront when trying to adopt this perspective?
3) How can you surmount these obstacles?
These questions were designed to give couples psychological space. Research has repeatedly confirmed that the main difference between low and high quality marriages (I would add any relationship) is how the individuals deal with conflict. These questions also encourage a shift from a prejudiced and self-focused viewpoint where we perceive ourselves as The Right One to a broader viewpoint.
The Marriage Hack Follow-up
The follow-up results are promising. Participants reported a stop to their marital decline, less depression, and minimized stress. Think of it! In just 21 minutes per year you, too, can create this protective factor.
Finkel says the time to start The Marriage Hack is NOW! The longer you wait, the more the satisfaction decline sinks and those nasty, older, unproductive habits become ingrained. I see no reason this process would not work for any relationship in conflict.
Begin to distance your habitual and negative thoughts about your sweetie. Tell yourself, “My sweetie actually wants what is best for everyone, including me.” Take a breath. I hope you try Finkel’s Marriage Hack so you can chop the decline.
Please check out these related posts:
- Merry Lovemaking: How to Enliven Long Term Intimacy
- Coupleship on the Rocks? How to Decide to Stay or Leave
