“I am Proud of You!” Might NOT Be The Best You Can Say!
Les and I flew to Amsterdam to visit our daughter, Katie and her dear husband, Mark. We laughed, we adventured and we ate well. We also talked about Katie’s breast cancer and how it was affecting her and Mark’s daily lives. As you might imagine it was a bitter-sweet time.
I accompanied Katie to her chemotherapy session. I felt blessed, impressed, delighted and pleased to learn from her example of optimism, friendliness, good humor, appreciation of others, and taking the opportunity to add to her Dutch vocabulary. What a resilient, determined and sensible young woman she is! She faced her diagnosis and then her treatments with a matter-of-fact attitude.
I did not say, “I feel proud of you.” It felt presumptuous and inappropriate to do so. I hear people say this phrase to others . . . and I have also been the recipient when it just did not fit the situation or relationship.
After being the recipient of an award two or three people told me, “I am proud of you”. What? Are they saying they are pleased to know me or that they feel happy seeing me succeed? Is there some gift of talent they admire? Or are they indicating they somehow have invested in my success? What exactly does this phrase mean and what is the intent of sending it?
Here is my perspective: It is best to reserve “I feel proud of you” for situations when you have invested significant amounts of time, energy and expertise into the success of another. Katie has created success in the Netherlands, without my help. She arranged how she would handle her situation, her treatment, her support, and her schedule way before our arrival. My hope is that she feels proud of herself!
From a Virtues Project Perspective
When I had previously shared the above story in my e-newsletter, Your Uplift, Donna Wheatcroft, of The Virtues Project, sent me a note. I so appreciate Donna’s suggestions for alternate words of acknowledgment. take a look:
“Patricia, I always enjoy getting your newsletters – so full of interesting information.
I feel that your bit on pride was spot on. When you say, “I feel proud of you” the emphasis is on yourself, when in fact I think the intention is to recognize and uplift the other person.
In that case, acknowledging a virtue you see in them will encourage them and feel authentic. e.g. ‘You show fortitude in meeting your challenges every day.’ or ‘I see your moderation in taking on no more than you can easily handle in order to get the rest you need.’ or pick any virtue and say what you see; that is describe the behavior you observe.
This honoring of positive behaviors creates a lot of impact, and connects us with one another in a more intimate way.”
Donna Wheatcroft is a Virtues Project Master Facilitator and international workshop presenter. She is committed to implementing this simple, effective, strengths-based, positive, and proactive program in homes, schools, workplaces, and communities. Visit The Virtues Project to find out about 52 virtues and the five strategies for using them.
Summary
If you have a habit of congratulating people with a quick, “I am proud of you” consider accessing the resources mentioned here, especially The Virtues Project. Acknowledge the strength or quality you admire as Donna suggests. In the meantime do yourself proud!
Related Books
A Pace of Grace: The Virtues of a Sustainable Life by Linda Kavelin Popov
The Family Virtues Guide: Simple Ways to Bring Out the Best in Our Children and Ourselves by Linda Kavelin Popov
Please check out these related posts:
- Guest Book Review: A Pace of Grace: The Virtues of a Sustainable Life, by Donna Wheatcroft
- People Boost with Acknowledgment, Appreciation, and Encouragement
May 18, 2020 @ 9:16 am
“Here is my perspective: It is best to reserve “I feel proud of you” for situations when you have invested significant amounts of time, energy and expertise into the success of another.”
Sorry, but this is just wrong. Why would I be proud of my son if I have done everything for him? It’s the moments where he does not need my help anymore that make me proud. Yes, “proud of you” relates to you like having a famous friend that you want to brag about to others. The same way you may feel about having a father, daughter, boss, employee, or sometimes colleague that makes you proud. Wrong way of using it would be when this person is distantly related, or not related to you at all and when you are diminishing the capabilities of the person with this phrase. For example, my grandmother told me she is proud of me when I received my university diploma. So for quite a long time I had this thought “Did she believe I can fail?”
May 24, 2020 @ 12:41 am
Hi V,
Thank you for contributing to this discussion. I agree with you and appreciate the opportunity to clarity. To answer your question of “Why would I be proud of my son if I have done everything for him?” I would answer, “not appropriate.” We aim to have our children ‘proud of themselves’.
I didn’t elaborate or give an example of “It is best to reserve “I feel proud of you” for situations when you have invested significant amounts of time, energy and expertise into the success of another.” There have been times when someone has spent considerable time teaching me a skill as when my hubby first taught me how to use a computer and said, “I’m proud of you.” Or a mentor who helped me write my first book. It felt like they had ‘earned’ the right to say “I’m proud of you.” Or another situation might be a coach to an athlete.
Yes, and like you, I have seen people say “proud of you” to brag about having a famous friend. And ditto, ditto to the rest of what you wrote.
Thank you so much for reading and adding to this annoying habit of some people.
And, congratulations on your degree. Just curious, what is your degree in?
Here’s to your continued critical thinking and resilience,
Patricia