Five Ways to Increase Your Authentic Joy

Joy! Joy! Authentic joy . . . down in my heart! But there is a caveat. I never ask my grandchildren or anyone else, for that matter, to smile or feel joy on demand. Even more, I avoid the term positive emotions as it is poor mental health to do so. An article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2017 is in alignment with my position:

“. . . suppressing uncomfortable feelings can contribute to more distress? Those who accept all of their emotions without judgment tend to be less focused on negativity and feel less upset about feeling upset.” Note the phrase “without judgment” because self-judgement typically is an old unresolved trauma pattern, related to poor mental health.

Yes! We are best to be aware of, and accept, our spectrum of emotions from feeling blue to bliss, sad to satisfied, and scared to safe.

However, I am a fan of Tom Rath’s and Jon Clifton’s work through The Gallop Poll. Rath is the author of the book, How Full Is Your Bucket?  which encourages us to encourage one another, especially those in leadership roles. In May 21, 2014 The Gallop Poll released a report called People Worldwide Are Reporting a Lot of Positive Emotions.

They point out that, in their research, regardless of the wars and unrest in the world, seven in 10 people in 138 countries reported in their Positive Experiences Index significant amounts of:

1. enjoyment
2. laughing or smiling
3. feeling well-rested
4. being treated with respect

You might imagine Americans and Canadians, with all of our stuff and two car garages, would be at the top of the list. But Latin Americans are at the top with the citizens of Paraguay at the very top. Syrians were at the bottom.

So what is this about you and me? Rather than a positive emotional focus, let us focus on creating an enlivened life filled with the experiences described above.

How to Put on Your Authentic Smile

1. Find Enjoyment

The lesson adults can learn here is that the world is filled with things for our enjoyment. Allen Klein, author of The Healing Power of Humor

1. Discover what you enjoy. Do it more.
2. If need be, find another passion. Our niece, Kaitlin, lived to snowboard; so much that she would move to New Zealand and then Japan to follow the snow year round. Then she incurred injuries that incapacitated her participation in her beloved sport. The solution was to find other ways to find joy and happiness. Go deeper. Many who have car accidents, strokes or loss of loved ones or a career discover their well-being is restored once they find another passion, dream or enjoyment.
3. Another strategy is to develop a gratitude practice so that you enjoy the details of your life from morning coffee to your heavenly bedroom pillow.

2. Laugh and Smile

Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself. Khill Gibran, Lebanese artist, poet, and writer

1. Find your funny bone, whether it is laughing at yourself, a favourite TV show such as The Big Bang Theory or hanging out with children.
2.  Smile, whenever doing so is aligned with how you are feel. Smiles have been known to save others’ lives. Having a practice of gratitude can help increase your smile frequency.

3. Stay Rested

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know? Ernest Hemingway, American author and journalist

1. Honour your inherent sleep habits—morning lark or night owl. The Latin Americans tend to stay up late, have siestas, and not ask, “Did you sleep in?” Like them, I tend to be a night owl.
2. Practise good sleep hygiene habits. Do as many as you can. Have no caffeine after 2 pm; do calm activities before going to bed; sleep in a quiet, dark room; use a quality mattress and pillow.
3. Add napping. Join your favourite cat.

4. Treat Yourself and Others with Respect

Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners. Laurence Sterne, English novelist

1. Start with self-respect. Use your values to guide your decisions so that you stay in integrity. Acknowledge your abilities, strengths, characteristics, and contributions.
2. Treat others as they would like to be treated. Ask them what is important to them and about their preferences. Usually people feel respected when we acknowledge their abilities, strengths, characteristics and contributions.
3. Provide guidance to others so that you feel respected by them. Respect to one person can mean disrespect to another. Do you want more time alone or more time connecting? Do you want others to jump into the conversation or do you prefer they stay silent until you finish speaking? Do you want others to leave their shoes on or take them off at the front door?
4. Mutual respect means a give and take of the above points.

5. Create Joy with an In-Joy List

Find joy in everything you choose to do. Every job, relationship, home… it’s your responsibility to love it, or change it. Chuck Palahniuk

A couple of years ago, I took a course from Barbara Fredrickson, the researcher and author of Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive. I learned that painful emotions often sink deep into our unconscious, frequently rooted in childhood trauma. Fredrickson became passionate about researching feelings of pleasure, awe, happiness, and joy.

Fredrickson introduced the concept of ‘savoring’—slowing down, smelling the roses, breathing in gratitude, and being fully present in the moment. She explains the benefit of grounding ourselves in pleasurable emotions in this way:

‘The negative screams at you, but the positive only whispers.

So, let’s get savouring with joy. Joy can arise from unexpected moments or through deliberate action. When we clarify what excites us and brings meaning, value, and satisfaction to our lives, we can plan for it. What activities stimulate your senses—vision, hearing, touch, smell, taste? What energizes you physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively, socially, and spiritually?

Exercise: Take a lined piece of paper and write A/O, S/P, $, and √ across the top right. Create a table similar to the one below. In the larger left-hand column, quickly jot down descriptions of what you’d like to be, do, or have. The list might look like this:”

1. feel peaceful
2. have a cup of tea while reading my emails
3. watch my favorite TV show
4. own an amazing laptop
5. eat a bowl of fresh strawberries
6. fly to Amsterdam to spend time with our daughter
7. etc

Note: The symbols in the four right hand columns are explained below. Please do not peek until you complete your list of 10 or more items; the more, the better!

Finally, across from each item, place a check mark under each of the appropriate symbols to indicate:

• A or O if you prefer the experience Alone or with Others
• S or P if you prefer the experience Spontaneously or Planned
• $ if it costs $5 or more each time
• √ if you have had the experience in the last year

What did you learn? How will you increase your joy tomorrow and into your future?

The Benefit of Sharing Pleasurable Moments with a Partner

Fredrickson also said,

Flouishing is not a solo endeavor.

So if you are in a relationship, would your partner write their list; that is do the above exercise? Then imagine how the two of you could explore the two lists to deepen your connection.

The research tells us that sharing pleasing moments with a partner not only deepens connection, it fosters emotional intimacy. By experiencing joy together, you strengthen your bond, build trust, and create shared memories that can help sustain the relationship through  conflict and other challenges. This practice enhances overall relationship satisfaction and emotional resilience. Of course, friendships are enhanced by sharing these kinds of experiences as well.

Conclusion:

Authentic joy comes from many sources. However, it begins with a decision to not only deal with life’s pain but find life’s wonder, and that requires commitment and savouring. Please let me know how adding joy progresses for you. I’m interested!

Please check out these related posts:

The Top 7 Habits of Light-Hearted People
How to Have Fun with Your Personal Sense of Humor