Bullied Grandma: Surprising Lessons from a Disrespectful Event

Children bullied their school bus monitor, a grandmother! As a grandmother and great-grandmother, I found this story of bullying unfathomable! I was brought to tears! Really? What is going on?

The Facts of the Bullied Grandma

• It happened one day in the middle of June 2012. Sixty-eight-year-old Karen Klein, a grandmother and bus monitor for Athena Middle School in Greece, New York, was taunted and bullied by four 7th grade students.
• They poked, made cruel comments, and threatened Klein. Many consider the most wounding words, “You don’t have a family because they all killed themselves because they don’t want to be near you.” 10 years ago, Klein’s son killed himself.
•  A cell phone video of the incident was posted on YouTube.
• A Canadian dietician decided to raise $5,000 to send Klein go on a holiday. The sum has multiplied to the point of a retirement fund.
• One of the boy’s fathers made a public apology. This riled those who believed the boys, themselves, should have expressed remorse.
• The young boys and their families have been ridiculed and have even received death threats. Too many people believe bullying the bully is the solution!

How Do Children Become Bullies?

Children learn to behave in mean ways.  No baby or toddler has been accused of acting in abusive ways.

Consider the incidents of domestic violence where men call their wives derogatory names and beating them. In some homes it is the woman beating on the man. Children live in many of those war zone-like homes witnessing the abuse of one human to another.  Consider how mean-spirited North American politics has become. Consider how mean-spirited social media has become. Consider the popularity of violent movies and television shows. Consider how the British tabloids treated Harry and Megan. Please put your personal likes or dislikes aside as no human deserves the kind of vile treatment they received.

We contribute to the mean-spirit of a child or youth when we:

1. Treat our children as if they are more deserving than others, that is giving them the message that they are people of privilege.
2. Accept responsibility for or protect them from their errors.
3. Do all we can to ease the lives of our children, wanting them to never experience discomfort, pain, or a tear.
4. Disrespect anyone, including those who bully. An eye for an eye leaves us all blind to civilized responses and answers.

Regrettably these scenarios are set ups for vulnerable children and adults to be bullied. Also, there are children with brain impairment, who do not have the capacity to manage their emotions, including anger. Consequently, they may use aggressive behavior or be goaded by other emotionally wounded children to commit violent acts. Those children need specialized care. When I worked with Lifers (prisoners who had committed murder) I realized how many of them had been manipulated into crime. Often, they had brain damage due to Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder.

What can we do to make a positive difference?

1. Lead the way with clear values or virtues, boundaries of good conduct, compassion, and kindness.
2. Hold children and adults accountable when they commit injustice.
3. Stop indulging and giving excuses for our children’s behaviors. We can revisit Dr. Stephen Glen’s book, Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World. We can also look at the research of Jean Illsley Clark. In her book, How Much Is Enough?: Raising Likeable, Responsible, Respectful Children–from Toddlers to Teens–in an Age of Overindulgence, she wrote, “We are abusing our children in new ways.  We are diminishing their resilience, their ability to deal with small or large challenges by overindulging them.”
4. Model respect, kindness and support while avoiding aggressive or rescuing behavior.
5. STOP if you yell, stomp, name-call, spank, hit or act-out with inappropriate aggressiveness.  STOP if you excuse these behaviors!
6. STOP modeling bullying, rescuing, or playing victim in your relationships.
7. Teach children to empathize. Empathy means the ability to imagine how another thinks and feels. The Roots of Empathy program was started in 1996. It helps develop social and emotional skills in children. The program arranges for neighborhood parents to bring their babies into the classroom. Picture this. A facilitator helps the children interact with the baby and love it.  fall in love with the baby. Students learn to identify and reflect on their own feelings and the feelings of others. “Would you ever want to hurt this baby?” Of course, not! Research indicates that the program minimizes aggression and increases kindness and helping.
8. Build on a culture of mutual respect and virtues. The Virtues Project provides a framework which helps develop virtues and values such as kindness, honesty, and respect.
9. Use many of the researched positive psychology practices. Daily express gratitude, offer support to others, and describe what went well in the last 24 hours. When we accept responsibility for creating our own joy, we minimize the need to put other people down.
10.  Provide an emotionally safe ear. Yet stand tall and say, “This behavior is unacceptable. We need to treat each other with respect and dignity.
11. Reach out and help. Karen Klein’s life has changed for the better after enduring this experience. She demonstrates resilience in her gracious acceptance of the donations that came her way.
12. Avoid labeling others a bully. Yelling, “You are a bully” solves nothing. Seek to understand how an abusive behavior pattern became acceptable.  Ask questions such as: “What is going on for you?” or “How did you learn that treating someone this way is acceptable?”  If using a virtues perspective ask, “What virtue did you forget? How can you make amends?”

Life is complicated with few easy answers. I advocate we become clear on our values and live and model, best we can, personal integrity. It is time we gave up the blame game. Together, let’s identify the problem, use proven solutions, and nurture empathetic kindness. That’s my take on being bullied and bullying!

Finally, here’s a sweet reminder:

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching

Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
Emily Dickinson