Change Your Name: It Can Happen In a Minute
Change Your Name or Not
You may not want to change your name, but I did in less than two minutes after meeting Gwendolyn Jansma. Nearly a hundred people had gathered in a community hall to be moved, perhaps even changed, by this pixie-size woman. She knew all their names and she was about to ask me for mine.
My Name Change Story
She approached with a gentle smile and an outreached hand. Instead of a hand-shake, my hand ended up resting in hers. Her other hand was cupped around my face while she exuded, “You carry a lot of light. What is your name?” I answered with the name I had used since marrying, “I am Pat Morgan.”
“Oh!” she said, “It is such a small name for such a magnificent woman. Is your name not Patricia?” Wham! Like being sucked into a swirling vortex I flashed back to childhood. Those were moments I was in trouble; moments when I heard, “Mary Patricia get your behind down here!” or “Patricia McLaughlin report to the office.” As a child, I much preferred my play names of Patsy or Patty or simply Pat.
But in that moment with Gwen, I decided. I decided to no longer avoid my past but embrace it. My mother loved the name she gave me, her only daughter. It was time to declare I was a grown woman. Pulling my shoulders back and standing as tall as possible I said, “Yes, I am a grown up and my name is Patricia!”
I was in my forties when I had that encounter with Gwen. Since then I have been living more fully into my name and what it means for me — living in the fullness of my name and my life!
It took my hubby, Les about a year to remember to call me Patricia and do it with ease. I feel blessed he was willing to make the effort. In the end I settled into introducing myself as Patricia and acknowledging that most family and friends would continue to call me, Pat. All was well and I know who I am.
Being Addressed by Your Name
For some people being addressed by their preferred name is important. Loving your name and being addressed as you wish is a matter of personal identity and respect, and it carries several significant implications:
- Cultural and Personal Identity: Your name connects you to your heritage, family, and community. Embracing and loving your name can be a way to honor and express pride in your cultural background.
- Self-Esteem and Self-Respect: When people use your preferred name and address you as you wish, it demonstrates respect for your identity. This can boost your confidence.
- Avoiding Embarrassment: Misnaming someone or using an incorrect name can cause emotional distress and discomfort.
- Legal and Ethical Considerations: In some places, using a person’s chosen name is legally mandated and seen as a matter of ethical responsibility, particularly for healthcare providers, educators, and employers.
- Reducing Discrimination: By recognizing and honoring diverse names and identities, we contribute to reducing discrimination and prejudice. This helps create a more equitable and fair society.
- Validation of Gender Identity: For transgender and non-binary individuals, being addressed by their chosen name and pronouns affirms their gender identity. It can contribute to their mental and emotional well-being.
- Inclusivity and Acceptance: Using someone’s preferred name and addressing them as they wish fosters an inclusive and accepting environment. Pronouncing new-to-our-ears names can be challenging. But it is important to do so.
For too long I incorrectly pronounced my friend, Alnoor Damji’s name until one day he gave me a lesson. I repeated and repeated A-l-n-o-o-r until it resonated correctly. Consider how many strange names immigrants learn. How about we meet them part way?
Note: Check out Alnoor’s speaker reel (at 1.04min) for better understanding of immigrants’ challenges when asked to shorten their names. He provides brilliant insight into why it is often difficult for them when asked, “Will you change your name?”
By asking people to address us as we prefer and addressing people as they wish, we play a crucial role in fostering a more inclusive, accepting, and equitable society where individuals can express themselves authentically and without fear of discrimination or harm.
Different Names for Different Roles
Some people, like Gwen did, use different names for different purposes. They would probably say, “Different names have different energies.” Gwen was our mothering guide at her Heartseek Gatherings. Gwendolyn was a transformational healer and shaman with a Ph.D. in psychology. Gwenana authored several volumes of poetry including My Mother Said, Arrows to the Heart, and Sticks and Stones and Strawberries.
Note: Although, I have her books in my library, I can only find Sticks and Stones and Strawberries online for sale.
Do You want to Change Your Name or Not?
- Do you like the sound of your name?
- How do you feel when you hear it–embarrassed, proud, pleased, or peaceful?
- Are old and painful memories triggered when you hear your name?
- Do you know the story of your name? How did your parents choose it?
Support others in declaring their preferred name while taking charge of yours. Know you have the power to change your name or keep it!
September 29, 2017 @ 10:31 am
Hi, Patricia,
I enjoy your newsletters and I learned from you both times I attended events where you were a speaker.
I have been toying for a couple of years about changing my name; by incorporating my second name. Being a Catholic girl I had my first name, second name, and a third name. When I was confirmed in the church I was given a Saint’s name, too. My last name is a longer two-part name. Most signature lines don’t even fit the first and last name.
Over the past few years, I have met my inner child. I call her Rose, my second name. The name was never really used in my world. I have personally not cared for my first name. No particular reason that I can figure but it never felt right to me. On the other hand, Rose has had more meaning to me. I associate it with the song “The Rose” by Amanda McBroom. My favorite version was by Bette Midler. I have a rose tattoo. I believed that no matter how downtrodden I felt over my lifetime I could associate with the rose that comes back fresh and new each year. Here are the lyrics, in case you aren’t familiar:
Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love it is a flower
And you it’s only seed
It’s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It’s the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It’s the one who won’t be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed
That with the sun’s love
In the spring
Becomes the rose
All of the lyrics resonate with me. I connected with the prickly exterior of the rose because I felt I was prickly and people avoided me or bullied me. I felt alone and unwanted for my entire life despite three siblings. I didn’t feel I knew what love was or how it should feel. I could never understand why I felt so much like I didn’t belong. This went on for over 55 years. I tried marriages but they didn’t work out. I had four children of my own and I worked hard to let them know they were loved, wanted and terrific human beings. I did all this while never really knowing what love was supposed to feel like. I faked it!
Now that I have my inner Rosie in my life I am learning to love myself. I also cleared a stuck energy about not being wanted after a discussion with my mother a few months ago. I asked her how she felt when she found out she was expecting me. She said she didn’t want me to be born. Say What? This admission validated that my feelings of being unwanted and not fitting in came from some memory I formed while still in utero. How crazy was that? I asked my mom because I had done a regression hypnotherapy session and felt how I felt in the womb. My mom went on, with some further prodding from me, to say that her elder sister had a stillborn that was “taken away” from her. My mom was so fearful that if she let me be born I would also be taken. Her negative inner thoughts became my negative inner belief that I wasn’t wanted. Blows my mind how this can even happen!
Once I understood that my feelings were because my mother loved me so much and was afraid to lose me, once I was born, I was able to shift from feeling unloved to recognizing that I was loved very much by a mom who simply couldn’t show it.
I love the smell and the deep red beauty of a red rose. The softness of the petals and the scent that makes me think of raspberries fill me with good vibes. Every day I talk to my inner Rosie. I tell her how loved she is. I tell her that I am sorry I didn’t know her all those years. I tell her that we will never be apart again and that I will always protect and love her. Maybe that is the message I longed to hear when I was young. As I move forward in life and continue to grow and learn I am finding out some amazing things about myself and who I really am. The more I embrace the real me the more I change my thoughts.
I struggle with some of the changes but they feel right on a deep level. Like I always was the rose even if I didn’t know it. Rosie was pushing to come into my world. Every day I become more and more complete. I am scared at times by the overwhelming feelings I have because they are foreign to me but I take a deep breath and hold on trusting that each time the seed will make it through another winter. In the last three weeks, I have learned so much about myself and what my true purpose is.
As I become more complete I feel like I should change my name to reflect the changes. I am not simply Rose because that eliminates the parts of me from my past. I can’t do that because they are still parts of me. Those parts are what makes up the ‘who’ I am becoming. I am also no longer Mary. I have evolved past that point. My gut says I am Mary Rose and that feels right. I don’t have to do anything to change it legally because it is, in fact, my legal name. I simply have to reach the point where I feel my past, my present, and my future self will be complete as Mary Rose. When I get to that point I will start referring to myself as Mary Rose.
Thank you for posting your story. It inspired me to write this lengthy comment. It feels good to make it real by writing and having it witnessed by those who choose to read it.
September 29, 2017 @ 11:01 pm
Thank you, Mary,
In all the years I have been blogging my thoughts, discoveries, and stories, your comment is the deepest, most personal and heartfelt. Thank you, for sharing with such vulnerability and candor.
I know The Rose well. When I took singing lessons it was my favorite. I was known to sing it at birthday parties and special occasions regardless of not doing it justice. I agree with you about Better Midler’s rendition.
Your story about your mom is classic. As children, we try to make sense of our thoughts, feelings, and experiences from a naive and innocent place. Often children decide their pain–feeling rejected, unsafe, insecure, unworthy, stupid– is about them. They decided they are flawed in some way. It is too dangerous to think of our caregiver’s, the providers of our survival, as in any way wrong.
Good on you for nourishing your ‘inner Rosie’. Many people do not invest the time and focus to engage in a healing process. Yet, those, including myself, have found ‘healing the inner child’ a worthy and successful effort.
The world is a better place for your healing! I know it! Let us know when you are ready for us t call you by Mary Rose!
Blessing, Patricia
March 5, 2013 @ 4:33 pm
When I was a toddler in the 70s, I was misdiagnosed with a certain rare (at the time) “behavioural” condition due to the fact that I screamed a lot. My reason for screaming was the massive headaches, acid reflux and abdominal pains I kept having, but a two year old cannot articulate those very well. As a result, I ended up being subjected to what I will call torture in the name of treatment. (Restraints and painful electric shocks were involved as a form of behaviour modification.) Thankfully, this was only for 6 months until I was pronounced ‘cured’ of the condition. (I cannot scream at all now. Even if I am in a ton of pain.) The migraines, acid reflux and abdominal pains did not stop, however. I just learned to stop telling people about them and just suffered in silence until the reflux caused some damage when I was in my early 20s and I almost died as a result. The whole time the torment was happening, I was always addressed by my given name.
As I grew up, I would feel revulsion and cringe when I heard the name. At school I was bullied and also called that name, so it compounded the negative association. Add the fact that parents use one’s full name when a kid is being disciplined and that name became the bane of my existence. I spent my childhood, teen years and early adulthood despising my name more than anyone could imagine. I wanted to change my name and I spent a lot of time and effort researching names in my family and what the meanings were.
In my research, I discovered that some cultures would name a child a baby name and then give the child his or her permanent name as they came into adulthood and did something remarkable. My own ancestors were one such culture, so changing my name seemed to be the natural thing to do. I had outgrown my “baby” name and was ready to take on my “adult” name. Heroes would achieve great feats and be remembered in history once they were given a name. Some legends even said that a person would die if not given an adult name. I knew that wasn’t true, but I just couldn’t stand my name any longer.
In 2005, my husband and I bought our first house out of town, which was a huge step for us. I was 30 years old. That year was also the year that Ralph Klein did me a huge favour: give each Albertan about $400.00, which we’ve come to call “Ralph-bucks”. I took that money to the AMA Registry and immediately changed my first, middle and last name to the names that I had spent so much time researching. I then changed all of my ID and it was by far the most liberating move of my life.
For once in my life, I love my name. I can hear someone address me by name and not feel a sickening rage every time I hear it or see it. I can write my name down or hand out my business card and not feel ashamed of my name. Since changing my name, I have found the right career path, gotten involved in my community and also found out from a few specialists that I never did have the “behavioural” condition I was diagnosed with as a child. The physical health issues that caused all of my pain are under control. Perhaps the name change empowered me to succeed and have things fall in place, or perhaps there is something to the ancient tales of heroes achieving great things upon taking up their adult names. Whatever the reason, changing my name was the best thing I ever did for myself!
Sometimes it’s best to embrace one’s full name and sometimes one just has to get rid of that name completely in order to be empowered. Thank you for sharing this great article!
March 5, 2013 @ 5:05 pm
WOW Dee,
What an amazing story of the Power of Name. Really your point is the same as mine. We need to be our own advocates. Healthy adults can do that. I commend you on your self-care and feel empathy for the child you once were that walked through emotional fire. Blessings to you for your deep sharing. Patricia