Master the Fine Art of Receiving and Giving Criticism

Patricia Morgan Communication Skills boost others, communication, relationships 1

Stop criticizing me

American reporter and humorist, Franklin P. Jones (1908-1980), wrote, “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance or a stranger.” Like Jones, you may dislike receiving criticism. Logically then, we should also be cautious about giving criticism.

I was once given twenty-seven criticisms in the guise of feedback. It took me two weeks of sucking my thumb to recover!

Criticism means the act or an instance of making an unfavorable or severe judgment or comment. I don’t like receiving it and I feel arrogant thinking it. When the severity of the judgment or comment reaches the point of name calling, insults or put-downs it has crossed into verbal and emotional abuse. giving criticism

Perspectives on Receiving and Giving Criticism

There are warning signs of around the ability to receive criticism. Social Worker, Robert Taibbi wrote in Psychology Today, in the article, How to Handle Criticism: Criticism is about control and judgment”:

If you have a history of abuse, have low self-esteem, are depressed, tend to be critical of yourself, you’re hot-wired for criticism, making even mild comments from others feel terribly negative.”

This point is particularly true for high achievers. Harsh criticism does not improve their work performance! It distracts, weakens focus and creates resentment. However, if you are in a position where you are required to give criticism and/or feedback, consider reading my post, How to Deliver Useful Information when Giving Feedback.

Avoid comparing yourself to how others handle giving or receiving criticism. Building resilience—your ability to process and respond to challenges—takes time and practice. People with high resilience have tools to manage criticism. They thoughtfully filter both the feedback they offer and the feedback they accept.

When it comes to giving criticism, people often fall into one of four patterns. They will:

Reject all forms of criticism, believing it to be entirely unhelpful.
Take a hardline approach, insisting, “A real friend will tell you the naked truth.”
Become triggered into “Who is to blame?” They are defending themselves from being the one to be blamed for an error.
Give criticism from an analytical and logical lens. Their gift is offering logical critiques that can help identify potential problems and save us from unnecessary stress or mistakes.

Each perspective has value, but the key question remains: How do we find a healthy balance between giving and receiving criticism?

Reasons Not to Criticism

Many people have walked away feeling crushed, ruined, shut down, cut off at the knees, humbled, humiliated, or plain cheesed off after receiving so-called constructive criticism.
Many people brace themselves when they hear, “I have some constructive criticism.” Often times they are not even able to listen.
Many people have been so wounded in their childhood or youth by constant put-downs, sarcasm, and criticism that they do exactly the same to others or go to the other extreme and never utter a word of disagreement.

Reasons to Criticize

Improvement needs to be made.
A safety issue is involved.
Someone is speaking or acting inappropriately and needs to be confronted.

Dr. Sidney Simon developed a valuable filter or series of questions to ask before we criticize.

Six Questions to Ask Before Giving Criticism

Is this the right time? Have you checked in with the individual to see if something stressful is taking up their ability to take in the criticism?
Can she or he do anything about the situation or behavior? Is the solution out of their hands?
Has she or he heard this before? Is this new information? If this is the case, what is missing to make change possible?
Am I sure that none of my own hang-ups are involved? Many disagreements stem from unknown personal issues.
Am I the best person with the best relationship to deliver criticism? Have you earned the right to assume trust that the message comes with good intentions?
Is it possible that this person needs more encouragement than anything else? We all benefit from support and encouragement.

I would add that if you decide to give someone criticism, consider calling it feedback and ask permission first. Ask, “May I offer you feedback for next time?” Then, respect the answer. Honor their response in whatever form–yes, no, perhaps later, I need to think about.

Receiving Criticism

Maybe you are wondering about those times when you get dinged with old fashioned criticism and you did not ask for it?

Ten tips for managing unwelcome criticism

1. Take a breath, stand back emotionally and put the criticism through Simon’s filtering questions. Then ask yourself realistically if it was fair and deserved information.

2. Discern if it was verbal abuse or helpful, perhaps courageously given (because someone cares about you) information. If you decide it is verbal abuse, say “STOP!” and walk away. Note: verbal abuse often begins with You are followed by name calling, swearing or put downs.

3. Acknowledge that you heard the criticism by saying, “Thank you for the information.”

4. Give yourself supportive self-talk: Example: “This information is their opinion. I will listen. I do not have to agree. Their opinion may help me in the long run. I will decide whether to accept their perspective or not. It is OK for me to make mistakes and learn from them.”

5. Agree to any part of the criticism that is true and accurate. Do not acknowledge the parts that are inaccurate. Here is an example; “Yes, I am late. I am late by 5 minutes.”

6. Learn to say, “I will think it over,” rather than making a quick decision to make a change or deny the validity of the criticism.

7. Apologize if you were in error, insensitive, inappropriate, or caused emotional disharmony or created a problem.

8. Avoid defending yourself, counter attacking or adding your own critical comments.

9. Later, if appropriate, report back to the critic if the information was helpful or not.

10. In the end, use the kind of criticism and feedback you want to receive.

If you question your ability to manage criticism consider taking this Psychology Today quiz — CRITICISM.

Summary

If you must criticize someone, please do so cautiously. There are often better ways than giving criticism to help others choose wise behaviors, correct their errors and move forward. Please consider them. For example, being the best role model you can is considered one the most effective ways to influence others’ behaviors.

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