How to Deal with a Grouch and Other Negative People

Patricia Morgan Positive Psychology Al Siebert, feelings 0

Do you have people in your circle who drain your energy with constant complaining, criticizing, or moaning? Whether they do it consciously or unconsciously, you might feel like you’re constantly dealing with a “grouch.” Grouches can take different forms, and it can be exhausting to manage their negativity.

Although I typically avoid name-calling, let’s simplify things by calling them “grouches,” inspired by the well-known character, Oscar the Grouch, from Sesame Street.

My husband and I have four dear grouches in our lives, and each has their own distinct style. For the sake of discussion, let’s categorize them as: The Groaner, The Catastrophizer, The Doomsdayer, and The Zapper

The 4 Types of Grouches (Negative People You’ll Meet)

The Groaner: This type constantly gripes about life’s challenges, often saying things like, “Sigh! Life is too hard.”
How to respond: Encourage them to take responsibility for their choices. “Sounds like you have a problem. Is there some way I can help you with a solution?”
The Catastrophizer: Every small setback feels like a crisis to them. They might say, “I can’t stand it!” or “I’ll die if you don’t…”
How to respond: Remind them of their resilience. “You’re stronger than you think.”
The Doomsdayer: They see every setback as a sign that the world is falling apart. “It’s awful! Society is collapsing!”
How to respond: Encourage them to focus on positive change. “My experience of the world includes good deeds. Let me know if you’d like to hear about the rainbow in the cloud!”
The Zapper: These hyper-critical types constantly find fault in everything. “That’s wrong! Bad move, bad employee, bad everything!”
How to respond: Shift their focus to constructive feedback. “First, I’d like to focus on what is going well. What I really need now is support and encouragement?”

Dealing with a Grouch and other Negative People

While we’d love to “fix” these grouches, trying to change someone’s negative outlook is often a waste of time. Instead, the best strategy is to manage your own emotional health and set boundaries.

As Dr. Al Siebert noted in The Resiliency Advantage, “A person who identifies with being positive and uses negative thinking as an anti-model expends emotional energy trying to suppress negativity.” Instead of fighting it, develop strategies for staying flexible and open-minded:

Stop the drama by avoiding playing the role of victim, blamer or rescuer. Give up thinking, “I’m positive; they’re negative,” “I’m the good one. They’re the bad ones,” “They drive me crazy.” Those thoughts are childish.
Listen. Seek to understand, “Tell me more about your fear.”
Commit to curiosity. Ask yourself, “What’s this really about?”
Develop empathy. You could say something like, “I imagine you feel disappointed.”
Imagine The Grouch speaking as if he or she was a baby crying. They are expressing their hurt, sadness and fear. . . their disappointment in their life.
Appreciate the benefit of hearing a cautionary and opposite viewpoint. Realize that continuing to hold a judgmental attitude of a grouch creates a barrier to potential connection and cooperation.
Acknowledge the benefits of a negative outlook. It can attract attention. It can be the vehicle of honest expression of emotions. It can use less energy than finding solutions. It can protect people from ugly and dangerous events. It can keep other people with problems away. It can invite encouragement from others.
During interactions with grumps we can:

Avoid engaging in the conversation. “Excuse me; I need to get this project done.”
Partially agree, “Thank you for your opinion. You may be correct.” Then change the subject.
Use exaggerating humor. “Have you considered the situation might be even worse?”
If the complaint is about you, ask for it to be written out. It will allow them to check their own reality.
Ask, “What is it you really want? How can I help?”
Use their perspective to avoid problems. “It would be helpful if you told us what might go wrong?”

By adopting these strategies, you can protect your energy, reduce your own emotional barriers, and maintain a healthier relationship with the negative people in your life.

Here are some more ideas from Jay Johnson in his TED Talk, How to Deal with Difficult People.