The Illusion of Control: How to Let Go the Strings

At some point, we’ve all tried to control our relationships, especially with loved ones. Yet, the idea that we can control another human being’s thoughts, emotions, and choices is not only unrealistic but also can create relationship misunderstanding and friction. True personal power, freedom, and connection come from letting go of the illusion of control.

While we have influence, we do not have control. I learned this lesson the hard way. For years, I tried to guilt our children into behaving a certain way. Add anger management struggles, my frustration often boiled over into yelling, “You’re driving me crazy!” Ironically, in those moments, I had completely lost control—of, you guessed it, myself. This realization eventually led me to therapy, where I began to better manage my nervous system, to heal childhood trauma, and develop emotional regulation skills.

Therapy became a turning point. Through the healing process, I learned how to create trust and develop deeper, healthier relationships—not only with our three children but also with my husband and other loved ones. My focus is now more on mutual respect, connection, and personal growth. While I’m far from perfect, I’ve come to understand the uselessness of trying to control others.

A Hard Lesson

Later in life the illusion of control was tested when our daughter Kelly, at just sixteen, ran away, and began a period being in and out of jail. For eleven years, no matter my efforts of writing letters, pleading, and wishing could control her choices. That story is described in our book, Love Her As She Is: Lessons from a Daughter Stolen by Addictions.

My Personal Takeaway

Letting go of the unconscious pattern of trying to control others isn’t easy. It requires introspection, self-awareness, and a commitment to change. Yet, the rewards—freedom, deeper connections, and personal growth—make the effort worthwhile.

The Illusion of Control

Here are some ways we might try to control the actions and emotions of others. We offer unsolicited advice, try to fix problems, and impose our expectations. However, the truth is that we can only control ourselves. By attempting to control others, we create distance, fear and resentment.

As the Profit, Kahlil Gibran said, “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.”

This quotation reminds us that true love thrives in freedom. When we let go and let them be, we allow space for caring connection to happen.

Breaking Free from the Puppeteer’s Role (Illusion of Control)

Trying to control others is like being a puppeteer, pulling strings to be in charge of every move. While it might create a temporary sense of relief, it creates relationship tension if not resentment.

1. Let Them Be

One of the most powerful acts of love is to let go. This doesn’t mean abandoning our loved ones, especially young children. It means trusting them to do what they are capable, not overprotecting but, with each year, supporting more self-responsibility along with more freedom. Then one day we look up and see that our babies are adults in charge of their own path. By cutting the strings of control, we allow them to experience life’s full spectrum, including its joys and challenges.

Personal independence is a core human need. When we honor this need in others, we foster healthier, more resilient relationships. It is a human paradox that we need both connection and independence or autonomy. It makes an interesting relationship dance.

2. Embrace Imperfection

We’re all works in progress. Mistakes, setbacks, and failures are inevitable. Instead of striving for perfection, embrace imperfection as a catalyst for growth. Let go of the need to control every outcome and allow yourself and others to learn from experience.

A study in Psychological Science emphasizes that accepting imperfections, both in ourselves and in others, promotes greater emotional well-being and reduces anxiety in relationships

Bryan E. Robinson’s  Psychology Today article, “The Power of Admitting Your Imperfections: Why it makes you more resilient”, encourages us to accept our limitations. That includes controlling others’ lives.

3. Cultivate Self-Worth

Your worth is not defined by your relationships or accomplishments. It’s inherent and unconditional. By cultivating self-worth, you’ll be less likely to seek validation from others and more likely to embrace your authentic self, while not trying to control them

Building self-worth can be transformative. According to Psychology Today, individuals with high self-worth are better equipped to form secure attachments and maintain healthy boundaries, both essential components of strong relationships.

4. Prioritize Connection

True connection is built on empathy, understanding, and acceptance. Instead of focusing on controlling the conversation or fixing problems, listen actively, validate feelings, and offer support without judgment.

Empathy has been found to significantly enhance relational satisfaction. Studies show that when individuals feel heard and understood, they are more likely to open up and form deeper bonds.

5. Develop an Internal Locus of Control

The concept of Internal Locus of Control, was developed by  holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl. Unlike an External Locus of Control where people and circumstance control you, you have a belief that you hold the power to choose your responses and attitudes regardless of external circumstances. You have the capacity to find meaning in frustrating situations, even when feeling helpless. You have  personal responsibility, resilience, and a sense of self-advocacy.  Frankl believed that while we cannot control what happens to us, we can always choose how we respond, resulting in a sense of personal power and growth.

Here is just over one minute animation, The Significance of a Strong Internal Locus of Control.

The Spiritual Perspective to Challenge the Illusion of Control

From a spiritual perspective, we are all interconnected.  By letting go of the illusion of control, we open ourselves to a deeper connection with ourselves and others. We become more attuned to the spiritual energy that we express. I love to say, “I’m an individualized expression of spiritual energy, called Patricia”. I can hang onto or let go the rest – my thoughts, emotions, dream, goals, and relationships . . . and I Am.

Key Spiritual Insights:

• Identity Beyond Roles: Our identity is not defined by our roles or relationships. A common expression is, We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
• Authenticity and Emotions: Embracing our emotions fully allows us to connect with our authentic selves.
• Core Identity: Our core identity is rooted in our spiritual nature and our emotions.

We can change our relationships into sources of joy, growth, and unconditional love. Indeed, the healthiest relationships are free from control and filled with genuine connection.

Recognizing and Releasing Patterns of Control

It’s important to recognize the patterns of control that may have been programmed into us during childhood. These patterns can manifest as a fear of abandonment, a need for approval, or a desire to micromanage others.

For example, Psychology Today notes that individuals who grew up in environments where control was a form of safety often carry these behaviors into adulthood. By identifying and addressing these patterns, we can break free from the cycle of control and develop healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Here is a recommendation of a Norm Quantz’s book called Power and Control:

Conclusion: Letting Go: A Courageous Act

Ultimately, the choice to let go is an act of courage and compassion. The journey to let go of the illusion of control is not always easy, but it’s rewarding. You will find greater joy, resilience, and connection in your relationships—and within yourself. I know, I did!

Please check out these related posts:

• Book Summary: Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
• Love Her As She Is by Patricia Morgan – Book Summary
• It’s All About Power and Control (Marriage) – Book Summary