In-laws: Ten Tips for Dealing with the Challenging Ones

Deal with Challenging In-laws

Challenges with in-laws are high on the list of distress for couples.  It’s hard to have a resilient and intimate partnership if you have to deal with resentful or interfering or inordinately critical in-laws. At the top of the list are sister-in-laws, brother-in-laws, father-in-laws, and, of course, mother-in-laws.

Ellen describes her relationship with her mother-in-law; “When she visits she tries to take over the house. She tells us what to do and sorts through stuff that is none of her business. I get the feeling that she is angry at me for stealing her boy. She phones my husband to chat but avoids talking to me. She is pleasant to the children but eager to point out any time she thinks I am being unfair to them or their dad. When I complain to my husband he takes her side. He tells me that she is lonely. But is that any excuse for treating me like dirt?”

Ellen’s situation sounds like the plot of the movie, Monster-in-law with Jenifer Lopez and Jane Fonda as the mother-in-law. As does many light love-story movies, it ends happily after the younger woman creates some relationship boundaries and ground rules.

I’m a mother-in-law myself and have felt defensive when hearing crass mother-in-law jibes such as:

1. I wonder if she made it home on her broom stick?
2. Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
3. I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

At the same time, I had my own challenges, when my own mother-in-law was alive. We had our fair share of tug of wars. I recall, during a visit, she made a grand announcement. “While I am here, none of my grandchildren will be doing what you call chores! I will do these jobs.” Really!? Initially, I was offended. Fortunately, I figured out her needs and made meaningful connection.

Ideas for Dealing with In-laws

1. Often our own mothers better fit into our routines and systems than our mothers-in-law. Most women learned from their mothers how to peel potatoes, set the table, arrange flowers, and fill the dishwasher. If we are the queens of our homes, our mothers-in-law may feel like peons in our castle. They may be fighting for their Queen Mother role. Consider giving her a task or a role, or a responsibility. It will lead to expressions of appreciation.

2. Build on the benefits of including the older generation. They long to be valued for their knowledge and skills. They want to be involved and contribute.  I learned to ask my mother-in-law for advise. I invited her to do important tasks such as putting a grandchild to bed, telling her “because you do it so well.” As she felt acknowledged, her controlling behaviours relaxed.

3. Tell your in-laws your intentions of including them. “When you visit we want you to be part of our family. Instead of doing the kids’ chores, will you help us prepare a picnic? We will all go on the picnic once the kids are finished their tasks.”

4. Hold a family meeting to establish family values, routines and rules. Make sure all family members are on board and willing to maintain them. Doing so will make pro-longed visits from in-laws easier to navigate and you will feel supported in maintaining those routines and boundaries.

5. When talking to your spouse about your in-law challenges depersonalize your language. Speak as if you would have a problem with anyone who engaged in behaviours disruptive to your family life. “I have a problem. I notice that the children are harder to manage when we don’t follow through on agreed consequences. I need your help to maintain our routines. Will you support me?”

6.  Never, ever call your in-law names or degrade them in front of the family or in private conversations with your spouse. In-law blood and history run through your partner’s veins. Avoid disrespectful comments.  If you decide to criticize, first watch Filter How and When You Give Criticism. You can also use the 5 question filters to decide if you are being unfairly criticized by your in-laws.

7. Rather than insisting your spouse take your side and not the in-law’s side, aim for family harmony. Support your spouse in being inclusive while staying firm that your partner, children or primary family deserve to come first.

8. Ask your in-laws to share stories of their upbringing–the hard times and the good times. Hearing stories may help you feel compassion for their challenging behaviours.

9. In the middle of in-law challenges, do your best to love yourself.

10. Make mental notes about how one day you might be a supportive, yet non-intrusive, in-law.

You may not be able to totally embrace and love an in-law but hopefully some of these strategies will help calm moments of feeling on edge. See if you can draw a circle of care that draws them in.