Merry Love-making: How to Enliven Long Term Intimacy

A phone call from Hanna, Alberta prompted me to create a talk called, Merry Love-making: How to Enliven Long Term Intimacy.  It has been presented at numerous women’s conferences and a Foster Parent retreat.

The women of Hanna wanted to know how to keep a long term relationship exciting, romantic, engaging, and pleasurable.  Although I am not a sex therapist, I offer couple counselling. I had also allowed romance to fade in my own marriage. Fortunately my hubby, Les and I perked it up—the marriage that is! I actually created some drive him crazy, intimacy creating, making-out experiences! Here are some of the highlights!

Note: I write from my perspective of being in a heterosexual relationship.

Ideas for Love-Making

Same old becomes boring whether it is at work, home or the lovemaking bed.  It is up to you and your love partner to put the pleasure back and build resilience of your committed relationship. Here are some ideas:

1. Merry lovemaking begins while your clothes are on. What happens in the bedroom reflects the atmosphere and relationship during the hours and days before and after sexual activity.
2. Keep the love-light glowing. Non-sexual and appreciative exchanges will keep your sexual life alive.
3. Initiate. Take responsibility for your own sensual and sexual pleasure. Don’t be passive.
4. When you tell your partner what pleasures you, it saves your partner from needing to guess. Nothing turns your partner on like the turned-on person you can be.
5. Talk, really talk about sex with your partner. Describe what turns you on.
6. It is OK if you and your partner do NOT have the same taste or preferences in sexual activity. Your partner is not rejecting you (or you, your partner) but is saying no to a certain activity.
7. Do what pleases both of you. Find ways to meet both your and your partner’s pleasurable desires.
8. Working at sex does not work. Do not rate performance. Do not let sex become routine or boring. Nothing kills intimacy like boredom. Have different times, places and positions—sometimes without intercourse. Activate your playfulness.
9. Leave anger out of the bed and bedroom. Resolve problems before going to bed.
10. Do not always wait to be in the mood before initiating or agreeing to sex. Have the occasional quickie or fooling around romp.
11. Have realistic sexual expectations.
12. Have fun for your merry lovemaking sake.

Ideas for Love-Making Specific to Men

Women being of tender nature, want tender beginnings.” Kama Sutra

Years ago I pleaded with my hubby, Les, to attend the The Rocky Mountain Couples Retreat. After that couple enhancing weekend, we both wanted to go back the next year. We have attended over 25 times. As I like to share: “Les and I have been married for over 45 years. We still do it almost every night of the week—almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on . . .”

Here are ten tips that have been specifically helpful to men in the realm of merry lovemaking:    

1. Remember that foreplay starts right after sex and continues in how you treat her all day long.
2. Share the responsibility of household, family, and children (if you have them).  Some women are just too tired for sexual activity. The best Floor Play just might be vacuuming the house.
3.  Turn off the television and make eye contact.
4. Surprise her:  Run a warm bath with bubbles and candles; invite her to cuddle, with no sexual moves; hold her hand; give her a massage; take her on a weekly date—at least, monthly; buy her flowers, a potted plant, hand cream or massage oil…and not just at Valentines, your wedding anniversary or her birthday.
5. Talk to her. Often talk is the way into sex for women. Often, for men, sex is the way into talk.
6. Talk about sex.  Find out what pleasures her.  Tell her what pleasures you.
7. Start physical intimacy by caressing fingers, hands, shoulders or legs. Linger and move slowly towards her erogenous zones. Learn where her turn-on spots are.
8. Hold her for a while after intercourse.  Leave it to grizzly bears, alone, to fall asleep right after ejaculation.  Stay in physical contact with her.  After-play and cuddling are very important.
9. Don’t watch pornography that demeans women or shows women suffering violence.  Not only has research indicated that such viewing stimulates sexual aggression but it is a definite turn off to most modern women.
10. Be playful and enjoy your woman while you make love!

Note: I have a Merry Lovemaking presentation. Let me know if you know an organization that might benefit.

Conclusion:

Remember as author, Ritu Ghatourey wrote:

“Intimacy is not purely physical; it’s the act of connecting with someone so deeply, you feel like you can see into their soul. Love-making is not just the act of a moment, it’s how you connect for a lifetime.”

Intimacy and love-making in a relationship or marriage go beyond the physical aspect. It’s about forging a deep connection that transcends the act, contributing to a lasting bond between partners.

To see the above ideas with fun images and supported by quotations, look at the slide-show, Merry Love-making.

Please check out these related posts:

• Book Summary: The Good Marriage by Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee
• Book Summary: The Seven Principles to Make Marriage Work by John Gottman
• Repairing Painful Patterns of Disconnection in Couples
• Tried and True Relationship Advice That Sticks
• How to Proactively Mend a Broken Relationship
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