Negative Beliefs: How to Identify and Replace Them

Childhood, adolescent, and sometimes adult experiences can create core negative beliefs. In childhood, these beliefs can be planted by the absence of parental or caregiver attention and security caused by addiction, domestic violence, neglect, abandonment, poverty, bullying, threat of harm, and lack of protection.

These negative beliefs can become rigid collections of thoughts, statements, and images that overpower a person’s outlook on themselves and life. They can be formed during childhood, adolescence and include conclusions of being unlovable, unworthy, stupid, inferior, powerless, vulnerable, and bad. These negative core beliefs can become so ingrained that they can shape a person’s behavior and affect the choices they make, limiting their potential and ability to enjoy life.

Negative belief patterns then shape our behavior and decisions, limiting our potential and hindering our ability to find joy and satisfaction in life.

Categories of Old Negative Beliefs

The first step to calming negative beliefs is identifying them. Doing so can help reveal our underlying attitudes and values. When we uncover patterns of thinking that keep us stuck, we can welcome healthier, more empowering beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors. It also helps us become more aware of our own tendencies and reactivity, so we can better recognize and respond to our own emotional triggers. Ultimately, being able to identify and change our negative beliefs can enable us to become more emotionally regulated, effective, and resilient.

 Self-Image or Self-Esteem 

Poor self-esteem or self-image can be developed in several ways, including exposure to comparison to siblings or peers, and invalidation of emotions or experiences. Other influences can include parents’ inappropriate efforts to control, focusing on children’s mistakes or shortcomings, making demeaning comments, over-criticizing or excessively punishing.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

1. I am a bad person.
2. I am unlovable.
3. I am not good enough.
4. I am damaged.
5. I am stupid.
6. I am a loser.
7. I am inferior.
8. I am a failure.
9. I am inadequate.
10. I am weak.
11. I am shameful.
12. I am worthless.
13.  I am insignificant.
14.  I am unattractive (ugly, fat, etc.)
15.  I am useless.
16. There’s something wrong with me.
17. I am always wrong.
18. I have to be perfect.

Self in Relationship

Influential adults can contribute to negative core beliefs about self in relationships by making negative or overly critical comments about their children’s relationships. They may also compare children to their peers or others in a negative way, pointing out what they could do better or how they are not good enough.

Adults, who were neglected or abandoned as adults, may cling to others, but if they were abused and invaded, they may avoid intimacy. Consequently, this core belief can result in an adult having difficulty in forming secure and healthy relationships.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

1. People I love will leave me.
2. People will reject and abandon me.
3. If I love or care for something/someone, I will be abandoned.
4. I am different and don’t belong.
5. I do not measure up to others.
6. I am not important or as good as others.
7. I need to please others, or they will leave me.
8. I can’t be happy on my own.
9. It’s selfish to put myself first.
10. When I see others have a problem, I need to help them.
11. I am only worthy when I help others.
12. If I express negative feelings in a relationship, something terrible will happen.
13. I’m responsible for everyone and everything.
14. If I care enough, I can fix him/her/this.

Having Control or Choice

Children are given the message that they have no control or choice when adults discount their emotions or push them to make decisions that go against their own feelings and values. Adults can also overprotect children which can lead them to believe they cannot make smart choices or that making mistakes is unacceptable, punishable, or even dangerous.

Caregivers reinforce lack of control and choice when they take away age-appropriate choices such as choosing friends or alternatively expecting a child to behave like an adult or punishing a child for a harmless choice.

Adults may also provide poor role modeling by passively submitting to authority, letting people take advantage of them or avoid making decisions.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

1. I am helpless/powerless.
2.  I am out of control.
3. I cannot let go.
4. I must have control to be okay.
5. I am trapped.
6. I am a victim.
7. I can’t stand it.
8. People manipulate me and control my life.
9. It is not ok to feel.
10. I can’t do it.
11. I can’t stand up for myself.
12. I can’t say ‘no’.

Persaonl Safety

Some caregivers and adults do not have the capacity to care for and protect children! They may threaten, fight, abuse or neglect because of their own trauma or poor mental health.

 Some influential adults may dwell on potential threats, constantly talking about danger, highlight worst-case scenarios, and limit natural exploration and risk-taking. However other adults may dismiss or punish a child for expressing fear or worry saying something like, you’re being silly or it’s nothing to worry about, without offering any acknowledgment and comfort.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

1. I am in danger.
2. I cannot trust myself.
3. I cannot trust others, not anyone.
4. It’s not safe to say how I feel.
5. I cannot stand up for myself.
6. I must do everything perfectly or I’m in trouble.
7. If I make a mistake, it means I am a failure.
8. I’ve done something wrong.
9. It’s not okay to ask for help.
10. I must do everything myself.
11. If I don’t do it, no one will.
12. I can’t trust or rely on another person.
13. If I trust people, they will hurt me (and I won’t survive).
14. People will betray me.
15. People are untrustworthy. 

Entitlement or Privilege

In this era of over-protecting children, some adults suffer from a sense of privilege. They are covering up for their own lack of competence. Thankfully, some of these individuals come to the realization that their superior view of themselves can ruin relationships. I had the chance to help one such client who, because of her upbringing, was not made to contribute to family life in any way. She was resentful that her parents failed to teach her basic daily life skills such as cooking, cleaning, and doing the laundry, and felt humiliated when she had to learn these tasks from her newlywed spouse.

In 2004, family researcher, Jean Illsley Clarke in her book, How Much Is Enough?: Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children, call over-indulgence the new abuse.  She points out that over-indulgence happens when parents give too much, do too much, protect too much, and seldom let children experience the consequences of their mistakes.

Parents may provide too many clothes, electronics, or other unnecessities, shield them from responsibility or accountability, not teach them life-skills, pander excessively to their wants and delay or avoid problem-solving skills. Parents may also be over-indulging their children by caving into their demands rather than setting boundaries and expectations, giving praise that is not earned or deserved, and not setting age-appropriate limits or expectations or being consistent in the enforcement of them.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

1. People need to respect me.
2. I deserve a lot of attention and praise.
3. I am superior to others.
4. I am entitled to special treatment.
5. If I don’t excel, then I’m inferior, worthless, and ordinary.
6. I am special and people should treat me that way.
7. I don’t have to follow rules like other people.
8. Other people should give me what I want.
9. If I want something I should get it.
10. People have no right to criticize me.
11. People who don’t understand me don’t see how special or brilliant I am.
12. I can do nothing wrong. 

Challenge and Replace Negative Beliefs 

For a different perspective on beliefs consider reading the article, Core Beliefs and Happiness by Mandy Kloppers on the Mental Help website. https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/core-beliefs-and-happiness

Then use these questions inspired by Byron Katie’s work, Love What Is to begin to replace the negative beliefs you identified above:

1. Do I know this belief is accurate and true? Can I prove it?
2. What will be the consequence if I keep this belief?
3. What will be the consequence if I refuse to have this belief?
4. What stops me from changing my belief?
5. What do I need to do to change this belief to one I prefer?
6. Do I need support to change this belief? Is so who can emotionally support me?

Note: You can also test the accuracy of your belief or story by stating out loud, “The story I tell myself is ______________________________”

Good on you for doing the work of identifying and replacing negative beliefs. You just might have strengthened a resilient mindset.