Overindulging Children Can Have Negative Adult Results

This blog explores how overindulging children often results in adults who walk and talk with a sense of privilege.

Growing up on a farm, the idea of my parents indulging us never crossed my and my siblings’ minds. This concept likely never crosses the minds of those who engage in egomaniac, self-admiring, diva, princess, or prima-donna behavior, barely functioning in the cubicle down the hall from you or someone else’s workspace! Yes, I am describing the adult you probably know who plays victim and struggles with accepting responsibility.

Adults Living with a Sense of Privilege

Overindulging children, can years later, turn up as an adult who demonstrates some or all of the following:

1. Entitlement Attitude: They tend to believe they deserve special treatment and are often frustrated when things do not go their way.
2. Lack of Responsibility: They tend to struggle with taking responsibility for their actions and may blame others for their mistakes or failures.
3. Immediate Gratification: They tend to demand their wants be accommodated immediately and have difficulty waiting or working for what they want.
4. Inadequate Life Skills: They tend to lack basic life skills such as cooking, cleaning, or managing finances because these tasks were always done for them.
5. Difficulty with Boundaries: They tend to invade others’ personal space and have a hard time understanding or respecting boundaries.
6. Materialism: They tend to place a high value on wealth, fame, and appearance, often prioritizing these over meaningful relationships and personal growth.
7. Low Gratitude: They tend to seldom express appreciation for the efforts of others and take people and things for granted.
8. Helplessness: They tend to frequently feel overwhelmed by tasks and situations they perceive as difficult, often thinking, “Poor me, I don’t know how to do this.”
9. Lack of Empathy: They tend to have difficulty understanding or caring about the feelings and needs of others, often appearing self-centered.

Research Source:

The observations about the effects of overindulging children and the resulting adult behaviors are based on research presented in the book How Much Is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children by Jean Illsley Clarke, Connie Dawson, and David Bredehoft. Jean Illsley Clarke has conducted extensive research on overindulgence and its long-term impacts on children as they grow into adulthood.

For parents, this body of research highlights the importance of setting boundaries, fostering independence, and instilling values of responsibility and gratitude to counteract the detrimental effects of overindulgence.

Several years ago, I attended a workshop, with Jean Illsley Clarke on this topic. At the time, Clarke was a spry 87-year-old award-winning author and pioneer parent educator. She presented research describing the dilemma of the “new normal” of overindulgence.

Three Ways Caregivers Engage in Overindulging Children

Clarke and her research team concluded there are three main ways caregivers engage in overindulging children:

1. Too Much: Providing excessive material goods and experiences — too much of anything—clothes, electronics, lessons, and more stuff,
2. Over-Nurturing: Doing things for children that they can do for themselves — doing for them what they can do for themselves. Picture a mother tying the shoelace while the child is texting on a cell phone.
3. Soft Structure: Lack of rules, consequences, and expectations, such as chores.

I recall Clarke saying, “As people who were overindulged as children become adults, there is a huge impact on their confidence level. These are the people who are most likely to report that they don’t feel they have control over their children.” Another consequence of overindulging children is they lack opportunities to build their resilience muscle.

Indicators of an Adults Living with a Sense of Privilege

1. Expect immediate gratification—demanding their wants be accommodated RIGHT NOW!
2. Lack boundaries—invading others’ personal and workplace spaces.
3. Confuse their wants with needs—believing their wants are their needs.
4. Lack workplace and people skills—struggling with effective workplace cooperation and teamwork.
5. Disrespect other people and their property—borrowing and not taking good care of the property or losing it.
6. Believe they are helpless—thinking, “Poor me. I don’t know how to do this.”
7. Value wealth (money), fame (attention, admiration), and image (designer clothes and appearance)—missing out on meaningful relationships, personal growth, and purposeful workplace and community participation.
8. Have little gratitude—making little or no effort to express appreciation to others for their efforts on their behalf.

What are parents and workplace leaders to do when the effects of overindulgence are evident?

How to Deal with an Adult who Lives with a Sense of Privilege 

1. Name the 1, 2, or 3 ways that overindulgence is demonstrated through words and actions and/or lack of keeping agreements.
2. Do not support or encourage self-indulgent behavior.
3. Name the values (virtues) you want to be the norm in your home, workplace, or community; values such as cooperation, mutual respect, and responsibility. A list of value words and how they align with clear boundaries may help.
4. Have clear expectations and hold children and adults responsible for agreements and their choices.
5. Affirm and celebrate people’s demonstration of competence, empathy, and other character-building virtues.

Overindulging children obviously has consequences. Love them. Guide them, and hold them developmentally and appropriately responsible.

How and when have you caught yourself or others inappropriately indulging a child or an adult living with a sense of privilege?

Please check out these related posts:

Book Summary: How Much Is Enough?
Use a List of Values to Help Focus Your Time and Energy