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Feeling angry

From Blowing a Fuse to Emotional Regulation

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Feeling angry

Most of us have done it. We have walked out on a loved one, slammed a door, said something we regretted or burst into rage or tears. I have been there screaming, “I will go crazy if you don’t do that!” I needed to learn emotional regulation skills. By the way, I did!

We tend to worry too much, resent too much, complain too much, and feel angry too much. Toddlers are known for their temper tantrums and teen-agers are known for their sullenness or screeching “I hate you!” Regrettably, some times, some adults are also known for not managing their emotions.

Researchers at The Heart Math Institute, Dr Bruce Perry, who works with traumatized children, and the late Dr Al Siebert, the resiliency researcher, have developed methods to help us regulate our emotions and, consequently, our behaviors.

What is Emotional Regulation?

It is a way to adapt our thoughts and help calm our feelings to circumvent our out-of-control reactions. Let me make it clear that we are not describing denying, stifling or bottling up emotions. Feelings actually need to be acknowledged before they can be contained and regulated.

Think of Emotional Regulation as self-soothing. Attentive parents bond to their infant children by holding, rocking, and meeting their needs. Later, attentive parents acknowledge what their children feel and help them name those feelings. These care giving behaviors set the grounding for our adult Emotional Regulation.  Without this emotional foundation we are susceptible to emotional outbursts.  

Yet, as independent adults we can discover and practice healthy self-soothing patterns. Psychology has researched and developed effective means for us to do that. To begin here is what happens when we become dis-regulated.

Five Steps to Blowing a Fuse

  1. A situation or event triggers the lower, primitive part of the brain (older, survival or reptilian brain). Examples: You are called a rude name, are told you have lost your job or a relationship ends.
  2. The primitive brain makes associations to past trauma (often from the first 4 years of life). Examples: being left alone in an unsafe situation, shamed or verbally, physically or sexually abused.
  3. A flight, fright or freeze  effect is activated. Heart rate increases, nerve ends tense, breathing becomes shallow, and senses become hyper vigilante.
  4. The frontal or cortical area of the brain (thinking brain) shuts down. You can not think!
  5. A reaction, versus calm and collected response, occurs. It feels as if you are exploding with words, gestures and/or physical action.

Dr Perry has said, “The only way to move from these super-high anxiety states, to calmer more cognitive states, is through rhythm. . . walking, running, singing, repetitive meditative breathing.” Here are five steps to help us to regain emotional regulation.

 Five Steps to Emotional Regulation

  1. A situation or event triggers the lower, primitive or older part of the brain (survival or reptilian brain).
  2. Your frontal (thinking brain) is activated to remind you that you have a choice.
  3. You choose to self-detach from your emotional state. You imagine being a fly on the wall as if watching yourself in a movie. You become no longer a hostage to your feelings.
  4. You utilize or breathing or other self-soothing rhythms to bring you to calm.
  5. You choose what to say or do next.

Five Ways to Strengthen Your Emotional Regulation

Loved ones listen!

  1. Develop a practice of breathing, meditation, yoga or dancing that you can rely upon. At the same time, develop a sense of a witness or high self who watches with detachment. Ah-so, all is well.
  2. Practice self-compassion for those times you do blow a fuse.
  3. Learn to identity your  feeling states and become more comfortable with the anxiety producing emotions.
  4. Have strategies to engage in difficult conversations.
  5. Deepen your sense of gratitude for moments of love, joy and disconnectedness.

Use the below 7 steps for small disturbances to help build your emotional regulation muscle.

Practice 7 Steps to Calm

  1. Name your distress.  Learn to recognize when your hands are sweaty, your heart pounding, and thoughts spinning.
  2. Watch a breath go in your nostrils, into your heart, through your lungs and fill your belly.
  3. Watch that same breath go out and imagine it flowing out and down to your toes. Do that again, again, and again.
  4. Think of a pleasant time—a time in someone’s arms, watching a sun-set or laughing with a child.
  5. Imagine yourself stepping back from the cause of your distress.  You could imagine yourself sitting on the moon and noticing.  Name your distress in personal terms—insecurity, fear, excluded.  “Is there a better way for me to manage this present situation?”
  6. Continue to notice and to breathe in and out of your heart.  Gently ask yourself, “How can I take care of myself and how might I better manage this situation?”
  7. Use your heart and mind to either accept the situation or take your best action.

How do you regulate your emotions? Or would you like to know more about emotional regulation and/or anger management? Leave a comment below and I will be sure to respond.

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stop relationship drama

How to Stop Your Relationship Drama: Part 1

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stop relationship drama

This is one of my most visited and popular blog/articles! Here is how it was developed by me and therapist friend, Ria Meronek. Ria was in Uganda working with the Kibo Foundation, helping to develop skills and confidence in young adults. She concluded that they needed a tool to better manage their relationship drama.

She discovered that no matter where you are in the world there are challenging relationship dynamics. She also discovered that we all want to relieve the stress in those situations. We want quick relationship advice. But advice is not as effective as a self-awareness strategy.

I recall Ria saying, “Patricia, there are few resources online that are simple and clear.” Through the wonders of Skype, we dialogued and co-wrote this work.

Print the Stop the Drama Poster!Stop the Drama Triangle

In order to strengthen the young Ugandans’ resilience and communication skills, Ria and I developed a poster guide. Help yourself to this FREE and downloadable 8 1/2 x 11″ Stop the Drama Poster.

It provides simple reminders from Stop the Drama, Part 1 and Part 2, to help you move from poor communication to self-responsible communication. It will you get out of  painful psychological game playing. Post it where you can see it, especially when you are on the phone.

After you read this blog/article (Part 1), which identifies three main communication traps, please go to Part TWO. The second blog/article offers three healthy and alternative communication strategies.

Part One: The Drama Triangle

In the 1960s Transaction Analysis (TA) theory, based on the work of Psychiatrist, Dr. Eric Berne, was popular.  Berne simplified and made available to the ordinary person the work of Sigmund Freud.  One of Berne’s prodigies, Dr. Stephen Karpman, developed the drama triangle, a tool that took TA from a theory to practical application.

The model describes three unconscious and habitual behavioral habits or roles which people often play out or enact in their relationships.  It helps you to move out of relationship drama by minimizing your vulnerability to stepping into the roles of victim, attacker or rescuer. Before we explore these three roles, it helps to consider that the attacker and the rescuer fear the less desirable role of victim. However, they will inevitably end up in the land of victim. All three roles are grounded in victimhood filled with shame and guilt.

If you play one role you will probably end up stepping in and playing all three. Actually, we can play all three roles in our own head. I know I have had dramatic conversations with myself. I attack and criticize myself, feel like a victim to my own judgement, and try to rescue myself from facing the facts of my own inaction. Fortunately, I usually take a breath, realize I’m spinning around the drama triangle in my head, and step out!

1. The Victim in Relationship Drama

When a person enacts this role she believes life–through a person, condition or circumstance–is unfair to her.  This position is supported by self-fulfilling stories about injustice and negative self- talk such as, “If only X had not happened, I would not be miserable.”

Behavior may include passivity, curling into self, and slumped posture. relationship drama

  • The victim believes life is just happening to her, that she has no power over what happens and what happens is not in her control to change.
  • The self-talk and beliefs of the victim include  Poor me.  I am hopeless. I am helpless. I am not enough. Another basic belief is I am not OK while you are definitely OK.
  • The victim denies her own resourcefulness and resilience.
  • The victim feels hopeless, powerless, small and worrisome.
  • The victim’s theme song could be called, I Will Die If You Don’t Solve My Problem!

Ask yourself the five questions below to check how often you play the victim role:

  1. Do I feel hopeless, powerless or weak?
  2. Do I believe I can not make wise decisions or make positive changes?
  3. Do I believe my life is just one problem after another?
  4. Do I manipulate others or use guilt to get help or get what I want?
  5. Do I blame others or circumstances for my difficulties?
  6. Do I focus on my problems?

Here is a 2.03-minute video about the victim role:

2. The Attacker (Persecutor or Blamer) in Relationship Drama

The person, who enacts the attacker role, tries to control, criticize or bully the victim. She believes she has power over the victim.  Behavior may include bossiness, criticism, rigidity and insistence on how a problem should be solved.relationship drama

  • The basic belief of the attacker is, You are not OK. I am better than OK. So do what I tell you to do.
  • The attacker believes the world is dangerous.
  • The victim may  perceive the attacker as a condition such as an illness, death of a loved one, or circumstance such as drought.
  • The attacker‘s words and behaviours are oppressive, blaming, critical, and insisting on being right.
  • The attacker‘s theme song could be called, It’s All Your Fault: I Have a Problem!

Ask yourself the four questions below to check how often you play the attacker role:

  1. Do I tell others what to do to solve their problems?
  2. Do I see others as powerless, incapable and needing to be fixed?
  3. Do I criticize others?
  4. Do I speak and act in a rigid, dominating, or bossy manner?

3. The Rescuer in Relationship Drama

The person who enacts this role intrudes on situations professing a desire to help.  Note: This role does not refer to legitimate emergency rescuing or protecting those who are vulnerable; children, the frail, and seriously ill.

  • The rescuer feels compelled or manipulated to help the victim. She believes she is responsible for the outcome of the victim’s problem.  Guilt is often a driving force. Often an underlying motivation to rescue is to feel superior or in control.
  • The rescuer believes “My needs, wants and feelings are irrelevant.”
  • The rescuer is committed to making others happy and often fears conflict.
    relationship drama
  • The basic belief of the rescuer is, You are not OK, but I am nice. I will help you.
  • The rescuer‘s theme song could be called, You’re So Messed Up: Let Me Fix the Problem and You.

Ask yourself the five questions below to check how often you play the rescuer role:

  1. Do I accept responsibility for fixing problems that are not mine?
  2. Do I believe I cannot say no to a request for help?
  3. Do I feel guilty when I say no to a request for help and end up helping nevertheless?
  4. Do I perceive others as incapable of making good decisions or of helping themselves?
  5. Do I perceive others as needing to be fixed or their lives needing to be fixed?

Typically the players move around the triangle switching roles.  For example, the victim may turn into the persecutor or the rescuer might switch to attacking.

In actuality, each person is playing out his or her dysfunctional pattern. They are attempting to receive the kind of attention or control each unconsciously desires.  Think of the melodrama of a damsel in distress looking for a prince to rescue her or the poor-me grandmother desiring attention from her family or the critical father who does not feel appreciated.

Nine Dynamics of Relationship Drama

  1. Problems are the main focus.
  2. Typical behaviors include blaming, complaining, pitying, manipulating, guilt provoking.
  3. Feelings include frustration, anger, guilt, resentment, entitlement, hopelessness, oppressed.
  4. Power is experienced as either feeling powerless or feeling powerful over others.
  5. Responsibility ownership is not clear.  Individuals may blame themselves, others or the situation rather than take appropriate responsibility for their part in the situation.
  6. Relationship boundaries are vague, unclear and inconsistent.
  7. Expectations of self and others are unknown and/or unexpressed.
  8. Actions are reactive to circumstances and problems.
  9. Outcomes affect no real change and often result in emotional pain and dissatisfying relationships.

Avoid pointing out to others that they have stepped into the Drama Triangle.  The best strategy is to identify the role you have fallen into and to step out of it. Remember! You can move out of relationship drama by no longer enacting the roles of the victim, the attacker or the rescuer.

Please do not stop here. Go to How to Stop Your Relationship Drama Part 2 (Click Here).

Related Books:

How To Break Free of the Drama Triangle and Victim Consciousness by Barry K. Weinhold and Janae B. Weinhold
Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationshipsby Eric Berne

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stop relationship drama

How to Stop Your Relationship Drama: Part 2

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stop relationship drama

How to Stop Your Relationship Drama: Part 1 describes the originsStop the Drama Triangle of the Drama Triangle. It also describes the three communication traps of victim, attacker and rescuer. Enacting these roles puts us in relationship conflict.  Please read Part 1 first, along with the FREE and downloadable Stop the Drama Poster. 

The Empowerment Triangle

There are three healthy alternatives to enacting the victim, attacker or rescuer roles. Knowing and putting these alternatives into action will help you better stay out of a dysfunctional relationship pattern. They will help you establish healthier and more effective ways to speak, listen and connect.

It will take some practice to easily and consciously choose to either stay out of the Drama Triangle or move out of it. To begin here are questions to help assess if you are in the Drama Triangle:

  • What am I focusing on? Am I focused on problems or solutions?
  • How am I relating to myself and others?
  • What am I saying? Do my words sound like a victim, attacker or rescuer?
  • Am I finger pointing? Am I treating an adult like a baby? Is my posture slumped? Am I teary-eyed for no reason? Do I whine, blame or show pity?

Relationships deepen when we interact with attitude of love, compassion, and acceptance. If you are in an intimate relationship make an agreement; “I will catch myself if I step into The Drama. I will say, I am in The Drama. Then we can start our conversation from a healthier perspective. Ok?”

1. Move from The Victim to The Survivor/Thriverrelationship drama

People who consider themselves survivors, or even better, thrivers, focus on goals and outcomes, and see problems as challenges.

They demonstrate clarity of vision, hopefulness, resourcefulness and resilience.

  • Survivors accepts personal responsibility and are accountable for their actions.
  • Survivors believe, I always have choices. I have the power to create a future not bound by my past.

Ask yourself the eight questions below to check how often you use the behaviors of a survivor/thriver:

  1. Do I have a sense of purpose or a passion that gives meaning to my life?
  2. Do I have goals in regards to the person I want to be, have and do?
  3. Am I committed to my goals and work consistently towards them?
  4. Do I thoughtfully evaluate my current situation?
  5. Do I preview and review my choices and actions to make sure they are goal focused?
  6. Do I daily demonstrate that I am responsible for myself and am accountable for my actions?
  7. Do I actively learn from my experiences by gaining insight, knowledge, and skills so I do not repeat mistakes?
  8. Do I face the difficult aspects about myself and my habits?

2. Move from The Attacker/Persecutor to The Challenger

People who challenge are willing to appropriately confront others with the truth. They avoid blaming, criticizing and judging. They step into being truth-tellers. Challengers point out facts with confidence and compassion.

  • The challenger uses assertive communication: For example they will use I Statements such as “I feel _____(emotion)_______when/because ________(behavior)_______.  I request ________(different behavior)__________.”
  • Challengers believe, I assertively confront behaviors in myself and others that are negatively impacting me.
  • Challengers can help us correct our mistakes. They can also help us avoid disaster or significant problems. 

Ask yourself the four questions below to check how often you use the behaviors of a challenger:

  1. Do I use assertive communication?
  2. Do I confront inappropriate and disrespectful behaviors but accept the person without judgment?
  3. Do I accept conditions and circumstances that cannot be changed while making the best of the situation?
  4. Do I clearly state my expectations and boundaries?

3. Move from The Rescuer to The Coachrelationship drama

People who coach listen deeply and acknowledge the experiences and feelings of others. 

  • Coaches ask questions with curiosity to help others survive and thrive. 
  • Coaches believe I can listen with empathy, but I can not solve your problems.

Ask yourself the six questions below to check how often you use the behaviors of the coach:

  1. Do I say no to requests for help when I do not willingly and freely want to help? Or when I don’t have the skills to effectively help.
  2. Do I listen deeply with empathy?
  3. Do I acknowledge what others are experiencing and feeling?
  4. Do I ask questions to help others clarify their goals?  For example, “What do you want to happen?” or “What is your plan?”
  5. Do I ask questions to help others assess their current situation?  For example, “What is getting in the way of achieving your goal?”
  6. Do I ask questions to elicit healthy actions?  For example, “What do you need to do next? What is one step you can take towards your goal?”

Results of The Empowerment Triangle

Here are nine dynamics related to the empowerment triangle:

  1. Goals and Outcomes are the main focus.
  2. Typical behaviors include self-awareness, accountability, assertiveness with clear communication, empathizing and active (deep) listening.
  3. Feelings include a sense of passion and purpose, hope, and self-empowerment.
  4. Power is primarily personal power and perceiving others as equally powerful.
  5. Responsibility ownership is clear.  Individuals only accept responsibility own actions and the consequential results.
  6. Relationships boundaries are clear, consistent and maintained
  7. Expectations of self and others are known and expressed.
  8. Actions are thoughtfully chosen and focused on goals.
  9. Outcomes effect positive change and often result in movement towards goals, personal growth and learning, resiliency to circumstances beyond one’s control and more satisfying relationships.

Remember! You can move out of relationship drama by minimizing enacting the roles of victim, attacker and rescuer. Congratulations for reading about the Drama Triangle. I would be pleased if you let us know how using Karpman’s work enhanced your relationships. Please leave a message in the comment box below.

References:

Related Books:

How To Break Free of the Drama Triangle and Victim Consciousness by Barry Weinhold and Janae Weinhold 
Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships by Eric Berne

Please check out these related posts:
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brain patterns: self-talk interventions

Breaking Brain Patterns: Negative Self-Talk Interventions

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brain patterns: self-talk interventions

Introduction:

It marked an aha moment when my client emphatically said, “I was brainwashed as a child to believe I was damaged goods. No wonder the negative voices in my head are so overwhelming. I’m ready to challenge them.” I felt pleased that our self-talk interventions were proving effective. She was clear that her thoughts weren’t her reality or destiny.

The Consequences of Negative Self Talk

Self-loathing Can Develop

Messages from caregivers frequently contribute to the development of a self-loathing, non-compassionate adult mindset. As we deal with the after-effects of our childhood emotional abuse or neglect, our wounds may not have visible bruises, but they have the potential to twist our minds into believing the worst about ourselves.

They also play a significant role in creating effective coping strategies for our childhood environments. Most often, these endure into adulthood. However, those same protective behaviors can cause havoc in our relationships – defending, fibbing, hiding, being over or under-responsible, and the list goes on.

Our Amygdala Fires False Alarms

The amygdala, a significant part of our nervous system and an almond-shaped piece of our brains, helps us process emotions, including fear and stress.

Because negative self-talk often involves self-criticism, doubt, and fear, the amygdala can respond to perceived but non-existent threats. The brain perceives these thoughts as threats to self – threats of loss of self-esteem or well-being.

When the amygdala is activated by perceived threat, it triggers the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, consequently initiating the “fight or flight” response. It prepares us for action with increased heart rate, dilated pupils, and blood flow moved to vital organs. All this action is to protect us from our own thoughts!

Of course, we can end up with not only mental health issues but significant physical challenges due to the chronic activation of the nervous system. Prolonged stress hormones in our system can affect memory, attention, and decision-making, intensifying our negative thinking. The brain patterns, our neural pathways are then reinforced!

Mental Health Can Deteriorate

Good mental health has its foundation in our childhood. The younger the abuse, the more unconscious it is.

A 2008 study led by Aaron T. Beck suggested that negative self-talk from childhood emotional and verbal abuse is

strongly associated with the development of mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

Healthy Coping Strategies Are Impeded

Our daily lives and the world are filled with challenge, disappointment, war, crime, and other wounded people their own sets of negative mind chatter. Ideally we want to function with a logical and grounded thought patterns the address present problems.

Another 2008 study by researchers Abela and Hankin indicated that

negative self-talk from childhood can interfere with the development of effective coping mechanisms.

The Good News about Self-Talk Interventions

Our brains, including the neural pathways that don’t serve us, can be tamed by strengthening our prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is responsible for reasoning, memory, and conscious awareness. In my book, Return to Center: Simple Strategies to Navigate Distress, Depression, and Disconnection, I refer to a fully functioning prefrontal cortex as The Centered State. We want to strengthen this state and enable it to calm our amygdala. Here we explore how that is possible.

Bless Neuroplasticity

Neuroplasticity is a term that describes the brain’s capacity to reorganize and adapt. Consequently, we have the power and control to use this ability to change our negative self-talk. When we are in the Centered State, we can identify and replace irrational and harmful thoughts with realistic, affirmative, and helpful ones. Consistent practice of improved self-talk can change our neural pathways and prove us resilient humans.

Reduction of Stress Response

With the Centered State is ins charge, we can reinforce positive self-talk, which then reduces the stress hormones. We can call in a more constructive and optimistic perspective. Gratitude has proved to calm negative self-talk. Patience also helps. We need to be patient if we self-talked ourselves into a stress hormone dump but were able to catch it. It takes about 20 minutes or more for the body to calm after we remove a stressor, including a stressful thought. Cortisol and adrenaline need time to get out of our bloodstreams.

Enhanced Emotional Regulation

When we change our self-talk, we change our emotional state—from a charged, fearful, defending, angry, or hopeless, discouraged state to The Centered State. When you work on your thoughts, you work on your emotional well-being. You can better contain and regulate them, improving your emotional intelligence.

Improved Mental Health and Relationships

With more affirming self-talk, you will probably experience improved mental health. You will feel empowered to deal with challenges and demonstrate resilience to recover from difficulties and disappointment. You may have increased confidence, focus, and improved relationships with family and friends.

A Menu of Self-Talk Interventions

Many self-talk interventions, such as mindfulness, yoga, martial arts, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques, self-help books, and articles like this one, are readily available for free. However, professional help can provide significant speeding of the healing process. Either way time and focus are needed if you want to change your internal dialogue. Here are some ideas for beginning steps.

Increase Self-Awareness

Focus on noticing your thoughts. Use your Centered State to discipline yourself to literally sit down and notice. Use a journal to record your thoughts. You could use a device like your cell phone for recording.

Viktor Frankl, the Holocaust survivor, psychiatrist, and author of Man’s Search for Meaning, left us with this wisdom: the space between what happened, was said or thought, and our response is crucial. Witnessing our emotional reactions and acknowledging our triggers are crucial steps toward breaking our negative thought patterns.

The work of trauma researcher Bessel van der Kolk reinforces that merely recognizing you are living with childhood brainwashing or trauma is itself a healing self-talk intervention.

Challenge and Change the Self-Talk

Catching negative self-talk empowers us to change them. The next step is to challenge them. From the Centered State, acknowledge thoughts as merely thoughts. Question their validity. Use these questions with thoughts such as “I can’t,” “I am stupid,” “I’m unlovable,” and other dysfunctional thoughts.

  • “Is it really true?”
  • “Am I in real danger right now?”
  • “What is the consequence of thinking this thought?”

I tell my clients, “If your thought does not have an element of self-compassion, it is probably a dysfunctional thought or belief.”

Practice Self-Affirming Thoughts

Explore what you want to believe with self-compassion. If you are telling yourself, “I can’t,” play with the thought “Yes, I can,” unless you are physically or cognitively unable. If you don’t have a disability, a supportive thought is “I can” or “I choose not to.” Again, journaling can help with this process. Unlike negative self-talk, we want to reinforce, write, and practice, practice, and practice some more with our new, positive affirmation.

A warning about affirmations: Please personalize them based on your self-talk. Being given a positive line from a book or video is most often ineffective. Too many people are telling a mirror, “I’m beautiful” when their core thought or belief was something unrelated, such as “I am stupid.” Your inner dialogue is personal to your childhood wound.

Separate Your Thoughts from Your Identity

A key breakthrough from dysfunctional brain patterns is realizing you are not your thoughts. Creating distance from your thoughts helps. Consequently, meditation and many spiritual practices aid in this realization. Pay attention to the thoughts you place after the profound two words of “I AM.”

Notice the difference between “I am overwhelmed” and “I feel overwhelmed.” A feeling comes and goes. “I am” is a permanent concept.

You are not your thoughts, and please do not let them define who you are. You can choose to focus on and amplify a thought or challenge it. From faith practice, I see you as an individualized expression of spiritual energy WITH thoughts, beliefs, emotions, a past, and future that you can define.

I like to practice, cement, and reinforce this thought: “I am lovable, capable, and resilient.”

Attend to Your Well-Being

Changed behaviors impact thoughts about ourselves. When you practice basic self-care habits, you reinforce your worthiness. So, eat, sleep, and exercise well. Find emotionally safe people to fulfill your social needs. We are healthier when we have caring relationships. Have connected time and quiet time, breathe into your belly, do a body scan at bedtime, brush your teeth, and get at least 6 hugs a day.

Seek Professional Self-talk Interventions

There is no shame in seeking professional help. Indeed, for many people, it is a shame they don’t seek professional, informed, and skilled help.

The right-fit therapy provides emotionally safe exploration of the root causes of your negative self-talk, identifies patterns, provides trauma healing, and helps establish healthy coping strategies. We all benefit from a safe, non-judgmental space where we can freely express our thoughts and feelings. This is where honest self-reflection can support us in addressing our brainwashed minds without fear of criticism. Experienced therapists have a menu of helpful self-talk interventions.

Conclusion

Tackling the impact of childhood trauma requires courage, self-reflection, and a commitment to changing ingrained patterns. By acknowledging the brainwashing effect of negative self-talk and putting in place negative self-talk strategies, you will move toward improved mental well-being.

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heart in hands as a reminder-- you are lovable. Inner Child work can help

Lovable You! Why You Are from Head and Heart

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heart in hands as a reminder-- you are lovable. Inner Child work can help

You are Lovable

In the garden of the heart, a seed was sown,
A tender bud of love, a truth well known.
Deep within the soul, a whisper soft,
A melody of worthiness, rising aloft.
Yes, you are lovable!

To Be lovable Means

to treasure yourself merely because you exist.”

Think existential.  Bear with me.  The basic premise is that all beings are lovable and valuable.  Yes, even those who break the law.  I’ve written about that in my book, Love Her As She Is: Lessons from a Daughter Stolen by Addictions.  The underpinning concept is love as is.  It separates the doer from the deed; the being from the act.

If cats and dogs are lovable, aren’t we? Our dog, Sissy, did not do household tasks, required regular walks, was well fed by us, and periodically pooped in the living room. Yet, she was loved for just being.  Sure, she was reprimanded for her accidents, but her unique lovableness was never questioned.  Regrettably, many people are not given the same message of irreplaceable value.

We see unconditional love demonstrated when:

  • Parents wake night after night to attend to their baby’s needs.
  • Shelter is offered to someone who is homeless.
  • A victim of crime forgives the offender.
  • A dog wags its tail and leaps for joy at the sight of its owner.
  • When a parent tells her child, “Today, I felt disappointed by your behavior but tomorrow is a new day. Never forget I love you.”

You are NOT a Human-DOing

We live in a culture that values people’s accomplishments. We can easily end up focusing on work, identify our worth in money earned, check and double check our To Do list, and run into the infamous rat race.

Here’s a warning; Do not let your work define who you are.  Ask someone what they do, and you will often hear a title like office administrator, teacher or engineer.  You are not your roles, thoughts, feelings, beliefs or work.

These aspects of your life are all chosen by you.  Identifying yourself only through your work can become problematic.  It is too common for men to have heart attacks soon after retiring. Others become depressed, not knowing what to do with themselves. Employment or work represents a part of our life, not our whole.  Careers allow us to show off our abilities.

In self-esteem terms, we want to believe, “I am capable and I am lovable.”  A nurse at one of my presentations told me, “Work is not that important in the big scheme of things.”  She’s got it!

The well-known feminist, Gloria Steinem, described in her book, Moving Beyond Words, losing herself to the 1970s women’s movement.  It took her years to figure out what was missing from her life. Steinem wrote, “The need for supporting core self-esteem doesn’t end in childhood.  Adults still need unconditional love from family, friends, life partners, animals, and perhaps even an all-forgiving deity.  (We need to hear) ‘No matter how the world may judge you, I love you.’”

If you are not already embracing yourself for simply being human in woman form, below are some self-affirming statements. Be gentle with yourself and don’t force these beliefs. Dr. Al Siebert, author of The Survivor Personality, cautions against forced affirmations as they may trigger a reverse reaction.

Talk Lovingly to Yourself

Watch your self-talk. These gentle words can become demons if spoken from an internal and demanding gremlin. If you find it difficult to tell yourself, “I deserve love,” you might start by telling yourself, “I want to believe:

  • I deserve love.
  • I am a good and loving person.
  • I am okay just the way I am.
  • My needs and wants are important.
  • I am lovable at every age.

Find a self-affirming statement that best works for you. It will be the one that settles comfortably in your mind and body. It feels true. Notice how you feel when you tell yourself this message. Repeat the message to yourself more than you imagine you need to hear it. And if that doesn’t work develop some self-compassion. Loving yourself “as is” is sometimes the best you can do. If you need a reminder to do this self-affirming work, you might consider reaching out to a friend or to a helping professional. At minimum, find a time and place to explore the idea that you are lovable.

If you significantly struggle with viewing yourself as lovable, consider seeking out therapy from an Inner Child perspective.

Why Inner Child Work?

Inner Child work or therapy focuses on addressing and healing emotional wounds and unresolved issues from our childhood. This internal work explores our early experiences that influenced our beliefs, emotions, and behaviors in adulthood. When it comes to seeing yourself as lovable, Inner Child work can be impactfully helpful.

Understand Childhood Influences

Inner Child work supports us to reflect on our childhood experiences, especially those that may have contributed to feelings of unworthiness or unlovability. By gaining insight into the root causes of these beliefs, we can start to recognize how past experiences shape how we perceive ourselves.

Reconnect with your Lovable Inner Child

The Inner Child represents the younger, more vulnerable part of ourselves. By reconnecting with and acknowledging the Inner Child, we can develop a deeper understanding of our emotional needs, fears, and desires. This process can facilitate self-compassion.

Challenge Negative Beliefs

Inner Child work helps us identify and challenge our distorted, negative beliefs. By doing so, we can begin to replace those painful beliefs with more realistic and positive self-perceptions.

Build Self-Compassion

Inner Child work fosters self-compassion by encouraging individuals to treat themselves with the same kindness and understanding they would offer to a distressed child.

Develop Healthy Coping Strategies

Through Inner Child work, individuals can learn and practice healthier ways of coping with emotions and stressors. This can involve developing new skills for self-soothing and creating positive affirmations to reinforce a sense of self-worth and being lovable.

To clarify, the effectiveness of Inner Child work is dependent on a skilled therapist and a client’s commitment to do the self-exploration and healing to conclude they are indeed  lovable.

Please check out these related posts:

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man contemplating how to find a therapist

Find a Therapist: How to Reach Out for Professional Help

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man contemplating how to find a therapistResearching to find a therapist is an important step. Yet, there is an even more important first step–a willingness to commit to the process. A woman called me saying her love relationship was struggling. She wanted to find a therapist who would work with  her and her boyfriend. But after she suggested to her boyfriend that they come to see me, she sent me this message, “I do not know what to do anymore. I asked Harry to join me. He said this kind of stuff does not work.”

Here is my response:

“I agree with Harry, ‘This kind of stuff does not work.’   The question is, ‘Are you and Harry both willing to do The Work?’   How interested is he in contributing to a mutually rewarding relationship? Counselling does not do the work. The counsellor or therapist provides  information of what appears to be not working and offers alternatives. Improvements happen when the client trusts the good will of their partner and themselves, plus commits to do The Work of improved problem solving, providing mutual-support, improved communication, and healing past hurts.

She came on her own. Good on her!

Counselling Doesn’t Work

I smile when people spend one hour in counselling, are given insightful observations, healthy alternatives, an opportunity to heal their trauma, and then walk out the door saying, “That didn’t work.” It is like going to a workshop on losing weight and concluding, ‘That stuff doesn’t work. I haven’t lost any weight!”

As in dieting and exercise, where there is a will, there is a way. The bigger challenge in relationships is that, it takes two wills to make the way.

Fortunately therapy is available to not only couples, but families, and individuals.  It works for those who are willing to do The Work! Doing the work includes finding a good-fit therapist.

Before You Find a Therapist, Know What Therapy Is

The word, therapy, is used in reference to helping correct a range of physical, mental and emotional challenges.  Therapies include chemotherapy (dealing with cancer), medical therapy (dealing with physical illness), occupational therapy (dealing with physical limitations), and psychotherapy (dealing with mental and/or emotional states).

When the question surfaces, “How do you find a therapist?” it usually refers to someone struggling with daily living in which psychotherapy is often a good fit. You can choose from a range of supports, usually starting with a conversation with your family doctor.  From there the choices are many.

In 1984, after years of my own therapy and study, I graduated with a Masters Degree in Clinical and Humanistic Psychology.  I was trained to be a psychotherapist. Therapeutic counsellors, psychologists, and many social workers help people who struggle with their emotional, mental, and relationship challenges. Often trauma is involved. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who typically specialize in prescribing medications that help with psychiatric and mental health disorders.

How to Choose a Therapist

Vicktor Frankl, therapist extraordinaire
Vicktor Frankl, therapist extraordinaire

How do you choose a therapist who you will hopefully trust? You want someone who can help you precisely identify your problem, sort out your past and present, and help guide you to a  more fulfilling future. Here are some thoughts:

A client once told me that she experienced herself as doing the work of becoming aware of her feelings. She described moving through painful feelings while exploring her past. She had consciously made better choices and experimented with new and healthier behaviors. At the same time, she described me as serving as a mirror for reflection and a light showing her hope and options for a better future. Because therapy has parallels to teamwork you want to choose your therapist thoughtfully.

The client, couple or family are in charge of their lives. The therapist provides support, empathy, and tools to facilitate self-awareness and healing. A therapist’s job includes remaining in an adult state (not becoming triggered into dis-regulation), sharing his or her observations and insights, and facilitating healing. Be willing to do a search for your best-fit therapist. Psychology Today provides a reliable search platform.

Find a Therapist for Individual Counselling

If you seek individual therapy it is important for you to do the research and make the appointment–not your mother, spouse, co-worker or friend. But do ask for recommendations from those same people and your family doctor. For women, often rape crisis centers and women’s shelters have referral lists.

Find a Therapist for Couple Counselling

If you are the driving force for your marriage, consider looking for a therapist of the same sex as your reluctant partner. It may allow your partner to feel safer. This suggestion is tentative because different people have had different experiences of safety with males and females. Know your partners family of origin history of abuse and/or neglect.

Ask if the therapist integrates the well-researched concepts of:

Advantages and Disadvantages of Seeing Same Therapist

Some therapists have strict policies about keeping their work with couples, friends, family members, and individuals separate. Other therapists welcome the opportunity to work with all involved parties. Also, therapeutic counsellors, like me, evaluate each situation on its own.

There are no ethical guidelines around sharing a therapist. However, consider the advantages and disadvantages.

Advantages include:

  • The therapist knows both of your details, history, personality, and information.
  • Both parties receive a consistent therapeutic perspective.
  • Time has been invested in developing trust in the therapist.

Disadvantages may include:

  • Concern about confidentiality of information being accidentally revealed.
  • An unmet preference for a different therapist perspective, sex, or personality.
  • Concern about the therapist keeping the well-being of both you in mind.

I have clients who are comfortable seeing me together and individually. One is a multi-generational family. I am like a family consultant and resource to them.  And I have had clients who have decided the partner is best seeing someone else. My commitment is to serve my clients’ best interests.

Indicators of a Healthy Therapist

In the first session or two, notice if the therapist:

  • appears to be emotionally healthy him or herself. Yes, some have unresolved issues!
  • focuses primarily on helping you discover what is troubling you.
  • does not recoil or negatively react to the expression of strong emotions.
  • uses empathy and seeks to understand what is going on for you.
  • is emotionally self-aware and appropriately contains his or her feelings.
  • demonstrates authentic, non-judgmental, thoughtful, and emotionally safe.
  • picks up on your verbal and nonverbal communication.
  • is creative and responsive in using therapeutic tools and processes.
  • willingly is flexible with the therapeutic process, depending on the content and emotions you share.
  • sets clear boundaries in regard to his or her time and payment. He or she is the leader of the session. You are the leader of your life.
  • offers you acceptance, acknowledgement for progress, and hope for your future.

Questions to Ask Your Potential Therapist

Many therapists will meet with you for an introductory visit or talk to you on the phone. Don’t shy away from asking questions:questions

  1. How long have you been providing therapy?
  2. Have you been a therapy client yourself?
  3. What kind of training do you have?
  4. How might I learn or read more about your philosophy and training?
  5. How do you describe your perspective on healing and therapy?
  6. Do you believe in the value of exploring families of origins — helping discover what happened in childhood?  Often when we better understand the impact of our childhood we better understand our present patterns.
  7. Do you offer a complimentary first session?
  8. How long are your sessions? Note: If dealing with trauma, the classic 50-minute hour is usually not enough time to process  emotional pain.
  9. May I call you at home if I am in crisis? If not, what will be the alternative?
  10. How much do you charge?

Note: if you suspect trauma (childhood neglect or abuse or an unresolved and disruptive event) is involved ask, “Are you qualified to use EMDR?” and/or “Do you have skills and experience in resolving trauma?” Then ask if their training in trauma healing involves the nervous system or body focused (somatic) work.

Be clear about what you want to accomplish and take charge of exploring whether this person is someone you can trust to support your healing.

Therapy at Its Best

When you first see a therapist, notice if you feel understood and supported. You want to make the best decision for yourself, and depending on your circumstances, for your marriage and family. Notice if you are treated as a unique human being.  Do you feel connected and safe? If yes, this is called the client-therapeutic alliance, which is important for effective resolution of past trauma and pain.

Therapy can feel uncomfortable. Don’t judge your progress by the emotional pain that may emerge. It is better to have pain surface than fester inside. 

Indicators of successful therapy include:

  • you begin to take better care of yourself
  • your internal self-talk is more compassionate and less judgmental
  • you are more accepting of your feelings
  • your problematic patterns are identified and shift towards healthier ones
  • your relationships improve
  • you start to make better life choices

The couple counselling process works if you and your partner start to understand one another at a deeper level and remember why you first fell in love.

Other Considerations

At some point you will feel independent and strong enough to end the therapeutic relationship.  A hug goodbye is often in order.

Warning: If a therapist wants to have a sexual relationship with you, RUN!

If you are interested in my therapeutic counselling services, background, ethical body, fees, or simply to arrange a complimentary session (Canada, only) please click THERAPY.

Another option to explore my profile, along with many other North American therapists, is on the  Psychology Today website. This is where many of my clients find me.

Lastly, take this information and use it wisely to find yourself a therapist who is right and perfect for your healing journey.

Please check out these related posts:

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two men listening in man therapy

Man Therapy to Empowered Sage

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two men listening in man therapy

What’s Man Therapy?

He asked me, “How am I supposed to feel?” This is a classic male question. Therapists often feel privileged to witness, not only people’s doubts, distress, and internal conflicts, but their awakenings, insights, and shifts in feelings, beliefs, and behavior. I feel an extra dose of privilege when I am trusted to facilitate therapy for a man who is ready to open with authenticity and vulnerability. Through what some call, Man Therapy, I imagine I see the unfolding of The Masculine Sage.

The Boy Baby to The Sage

A baby becomes a sage, not only through conscious parenting, a positive education, and career development, but by developing wisdom through introspection, personal exploration, being mentored, and sometimes therapy.

It is well known that fewer men than women seek therapy and that is well supported by my case load. Sometimes a male therapist is a better fit for male clients and other times a woman’s voice and demeanor better creates a sense of safety. It is exciting and often challenging to notice a tear forming, a soft emotion under an angry declaration or a signal from a long forgotten inner Little Boy. Boys often unconsciously construct tough survival styles that as adults are no longer relationally effective.  Their adaptation to a masculine stereo type has now got them stuck. Let’s look at how thee adaptations began.

All babies smile, laugh, pout, cry, poop, and seek caregiver attachment to survive. From the womb to early child development there are some biological differences between boys and girls. Then parenting, cultural biases, and other experiences layer those differences into misunderstanding and stereotypes such as tough guys like Superman or Iron Man!

Boys’ Biology and Development Differ

In 2016 the Infant Mental Health Journal published research findings by Allan N. Schore, of UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine called All Our Sons: The Developmental Neurobiology and Neuroendocrinology of Boys at Risk. Here are some highlights.

  • They mature slower physically, socially and in language development.
  • Their ability to regulate distress matures more slowly.
  • Environmental stress takes more of a toll on boy babies. The marital researcher, John Gottman discovered that men took much longer than women to calm their nervous system after an argument.
  • Their vulnerability to early stress is correlated to their higher rates of disorders such as autism and ADHD.

Boys’ Cultural Expectations and Influences Differ

In 2005 Terry A. Kupers, released his study, Toxic Masculinity as A Barrier to Mental Health Treatment in Prison. Here are some highlights:

  • The Iron Man persona requires aggressive competition and domination of others.
  • These socially conditioned tough guy or Iron Man characteristics encourage vying for domination, devaluing women, homophobia, and violence.
  • What typically and unconsciously threatens the Iron Man is any aspect of the feminine.

Masculine and Feminine or Yin and Yang

The Chinese Yin and Yang concept of opposites or dualism helps us better embrace all aspects of ourselves; seeing ourselves as having complementary and interconnected personal parts. We can be soft or hard, loud or quiet, gentle or rough, weak or strong, connecting to earth (mother) or sky (father).

With the emerging fluidity of sexual identity (LGBTQ+), sometimes referred to as nonbinary gender, we are more and more called to welcome with curiosity our human differences. As much as the woman in damsel-in-distress persona is stuck, so is the man in the tough guy persona. However, a damsel-in-distress is poised to cry for help, while the tough guy is at risk for profound feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and sadness that may surface as rage!

The Good News about Man Therapy

If boys are raised with conscious parents, they can play with dolls so they can practice changing a diaper or trucks so they can practice driving a vehicle. Visa versa for girls. No problem. Our perception of masculinity and consequent behaviors are shifting. More men are now more readily partners in:

  • Parenting and caregiving.
  • Attending to household tasks such as cleaning and cooking.
  • Sharing the load of decision making.
  • Managing finances.
  • Relationship building, including communicating with empathetic listening and mutual respect.

Other good news is that therapy can help men who want to heal their boyhood wounds and adjust to their present-day reality in a mindful and healthy way. Indeed, they may develop into caring sages who mentor boys, youth, and younger men. A friend and Saskatoon City police officer, Jason Rorick, is close to completing his book, Cops Don’t Cry. He understands how stuffing feelings contributed to his first responder’s experience of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

As he explains, “I’ll no longer make the mistake of thinking that just because I am able to pause my emotions to perform my duties. . . that I can in in fact pause my emotions indefinitely. But instead, I recognize that I must unpause and deal with the emotions properly as soon as practical.” Rorick’s new emotional regulations abilities exemplify the shifts men need to make to free themselves from of the fear of feeling fear itself.

Where Does a Man Start?

The inner work begins when a man decides he is ready and willing to take off his Iron Man armor. The second step is to research, ask for recommendations, and interview prospective helping professionals. Trust in decision making is required, as well as a reminder that if the first attempt at finding appropriate guidance does not work, seek again. Avoid deciding “counselling does not work.” Therapists are not magicians. They are guides. The client, does the inner work; or not!

Snippets from Man Therapy Sessions

Here I share insights from several male clients, with details hidden or changed for anonymity.  C is for Client. P is for Patricia.

Theme: How does a guy find safe places to feel?

C: How am I supposed to feel?

P: There is no supposed to or rule to feelings. Your body will tell you the truth. Feelings are sensations in your body. You feel a heaviness in your heart, the emotion of sad. I feel sad was the answer. At times you indicated feeling frustrated.

C: This is new for me; this sharing feeling stuff.  My family and friends would think I was crazy if I started to say I feel sad or scared. They are used to hearing me say “Pissed off, you #@$&%!” and they say that and worse.

P: Yes, you have several people in your circle do not know how to create emotional safety. Can you name three people with whom you do feel emotionally safe?

Theme: How does a guy give up his angry high?

C: When I am stomping around, angry, I get a lot done, stand taller and I don’t’ take shit from anybody. Why would I want to feel sad, scared, hurt? Sounds like a wimp.

P: Sounds like your angry part has given you lots of benefits. And you mention you have trouble sleeping and you would like your relationships to improve. What if your other more vulnerable parts had some gifts that would help?

C: But when I was a kid and showed any weakness I was bullied.

P: Right. So, when you were little you could not show your softer side. That angry part helped protect you, but now with your girlfriend it is too much. Are you willing to do a little noticing   with me?

Theme: How does a guy step into wisdom and the role of sage?

P: I suggest you have evolved into a position of sage, a man who has attained wisdom.

C: But who am I to assume I am better than others? Have you heard of American Exceptionalism; the myth that because of your birthplace you are more virtuous than others? I do not want to go back to convincing myself I am better than others to make myself feel important and safe.

P: I admire your commitment to seeing all humans as worthy and valued. Yet you have gifts that others have not developed. Many people are focused on their survival—food and shelter. Personal development, awareness and healing are not on their radar or possible. Middle class North Americans have the privilege of being able to choose to heal and give their gifts. Few do! You chose to:

  • Become aware of your unconscious thoughts, emotions and childhood neglect, abuses, and adaptations.
  • Develop compassion and empathy for yourself and others.
  • Acknowledge the wisdom gleaned from life to this point while continuing to learn and evolve.

You noted that for years you were held back from your personal evolution. You changed that story.

Here are LinkedIn profiles of three sages who I admire.

  1. Dr. Stephen Hobbs at https://www.linkedin.com/in/stephenhobbscalgary/?originalSubdomain=ca in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
  2. David Savage at https://www.linkedin.com/in/savagedavidb/?originalSubdomain=ca primarily in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
  3. Doug Lawrence at https://www.linkedin.com/in/douglawrence-mentor/ in Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada, but his work is national.

Consider supporting a man to step into man therapy and perhaps you will see the unfolding of a sage.

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adult children relationships

How to Do The Parent and Adult Children Dance

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adult children relationships
Patricia with son, Benjamin Morgan

Families Can Do Relationship Repair

“The kids are all grown up and we’re empty nesters!” It sounds like a taste of freedom, but once adult children are grown, the relationship works like a retractable dog leash—pull and tug, more or less slack, pushing for space while longing for closeness. It’s like an in and out dance. Indeed, two of our three adult children returned at different times to temporarily live with us.

Parent and Adult Children Resentment and Pain

Often times parents struggle with their adult children exercising their freedoms and rights. We watch helplessly. I know I have felt concern, sometimes fear, witnessing my children’s decisions; choice of lover, spending, dropping out of school, breaking the law, disciplining their children (our darling grandchildren), and even eating habits. From the adult children’s perspective, our concerns and fears can be perceived as judgement, lack of trust, and rejection.

Deeply enmeshed and rooted-in-the-past emotions can arise. If adult children were raised with good enough parenting (appropriate guidance, safety, and love), their feelings towards their parents are probably of contentment and peace.

However, there are large numbers of wounded North American adult children. Generational trauma exists. Consider the estimated millions of children who grew up with alcoholism. Add to that all other addictions and mental illnesses. Those children often become adults with legitimate grievances expressed through resentment, bitterness, and estrangement.

Oftentimes, regardless of good enough parenting, adult children can turn against their parents because of such influences as spousal possessiveness, mental illness, differing values or religion, or simply personality differences. From a young age to this day, our youngest daughter, Katie, and I can easily step into conflict. It was insightful to realize that on the Myers-Briggs personality indicator she is polar opposite to me. While she thrives on introversion, details, logic, and firm decisions, I thrive on extroversion, creative intuitiveness, emotions, and flexibility. Do you get the picture?

Too often parents and adult children become alienated, sometimes temporarily and other times for a lifetime. Just watch an episode or two of Dr. Phil. The parent and adult children dynamics has inspired the writing of several books. Here is a few samples from amazon.com:

  • When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment by Kenneth M. Adams
  • Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson
  •  Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz
  • How To Really Love Your Adult Child: Building A Healthy Relationship In A Changing World by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell.
  • Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families by John Friel and Linda D. Friel.
  • Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life by Susan Forward and Craig Buck
  • Setting Boundaries® with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents by Allison Bottke and Carol Kent
  • Done With The Crying: Help and Healing for Mothers of Estranged Adult Children by Sheri McGregor
  • Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out by Jim Burns

Merely reviewing these titles gives the impression that the parents are the ones responsible to step up and do the healing. In most cases I agree. We had the power and control over our children. Plus, it doesn’t matter if we consciously or unconsciously passed on our own wounds. If we wounded, we are accountable. We can wake up and be the heroes to make amends and save the next generation from the same patterns.

There are some sad situations where adult children have gone sideways and have not allowed themselves to look back at their parents. They are unable to see that their parents have, oftentimes, healed and changed. If they did they might discover new, wiser and healthy behaviours. What a sad situation.

If possible, use some of the ideas below to improve or mend your parent and adult-child relationship.

Improve or Mend the Parent and Adult Child Relationship

Hints for Parents of Adult Children

  1. If you are saying or doing anything to create pain or discomfort for your adult child, stop! If this is difficult, see a therapist. You are never too old. I have seen people in their 70’s who decided to control what they could; their own behaviour. Ditto, if you are filled with resentment, anger or lost in addictions. Realize through these clouded perspectives you probably did harm to your child.
  2. Accept that you are perfectly imperfect. If you emotionally, verbally or physically abused your child, own your behaviour and apologize. Becoming defensive or wallowing in guilt will only add tension and pain.
  3. If you neglected or cut off your child, take responsibility for your piece and reach out with regret and love.
  4. Shift your perspective about power. When you held the parental position of power and control, you may have made decisions that were not in alignment with the core of who your child was and is. It’s time to accept that your adult child is in charge of his or her life decisions, whether you like them or not.
  5. Listen to your adult child to learn who he or she is. Validate feelings. Feelings are never wrong. Do not assume you are the one to give advice but give your adult child opportunities to give you advice, or at least his or her opinion.
  6. Accept your adult child, his or her spouse, and lifestyle, as is. That is unless your adult child is involved in illegal, harmful or addictive behaviours. If that is the case, access professional guidance to facilitate a well-thought out intervention.
  7. Listen and listen some more. You may believe you did a bang up job of parenting but your child may have a different, maybe resentful, perspective. His or her childhood truth may shock you. Demonstrate wisdom by calmly listening and seeking to understand.
  8. Treat your adult child more like a friend or guest. Demonstrate politeness, interest and welcoming behaviours.
  9. Use the Maya Angelou saying, “When we know better, we do better.” Let your and your child’s failures rest in the past. Apologize if it helps the relationship to heal and move forward. Don’t insist on an apology in return.
  10. If you are dealing with an estranged adult child, do your best to get on with your life. It takes two to make a relationship conflicted, connected or loving. You are best to focus on your own healing or your own personal development. Then, if one day an opportunity opens, you will be the change you want to show.
  11. Let your adult child know you are available and happy to support him or her. Never say, “I told you so” as it can ruin a sense of confidence.
  12. Celebrate your adult child’s accomplishments while avoiding trying to live out your own unfilled dreams through him or her. Let your adult child set his or her own goals. Reach for your own dreams.
  13. Realize relationships constantly evolve and shift. Be your best to give the best to your relationship with your adult child.

Hints for Adult Children

  1. Seek healing if one or both of your parents were abusive, neglectful, self-absorbed, dismissive, or immature, and you have feelings of resentment, betrayal, or abandonment. Consider finding a faith community or a trustworthy professional. You need to deal with your emotional baggage or you risk passing it onto the next generation.
  2. If your parents’ home and gatherings continue to have toxic elements minimize your time there or do not attend gatherings. Get on with your life.

If it is emotionally and mentally healthy for you to stay in contact with your parent or parents:

  1. Subtly interview your parents about their childhoods. You might discover they only passed on a fraction of the pain and dysfunction they experienced in their family of origin. Consider this as a demonstration of their love of you.
  2. Accept that your parents, based on their history, resources, and values did the best they could. See if you can develop some compassion for their lack of insight and emotional intelligence.
  3. Use Maya Angelou’s saying, “When we know better, we do better.” Allow yourself to see your parents and yourself as imperfect. Notice if doing so opens you to forgiveness.
  4. Don’t expect change. Start to give yourself what you longed for from them when you were a child.
  5. Appreciate your parents’ experience, knowledge and wisdom. Let them support you while not overwhelming you or allowing them to take over.
  6. While honouring your own space, share with your parents highlights and lowlights of your life. Take an interest in theirs. Basically make friends with your parents.
  7. Avoid leaving your parents wondering if they are desirable company. Pay attention to how they have fun and include them in your social events.
  8. Focus on the ways your parents demonstrate their love.
  9. Express appreciation for what they are able and willing to give.
  10. Love one another, to the best of your and their abilities.

What challenges or successes have you experienced in the parent to adult children dance?

Please check out these related posts:

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You, alone, give meaning to your circumstances.

12 Ways to Create Meaning from Painful Situations

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You, alone, give meaning to your circumstances.

As a therapist, I witness people whose lives have fallen apart or have become unbearable to continue as is.  I often hear the simple but dreadfully difficult question to answer,  “Why?” People naturally long to create meaning from their emotional pain.

Resilience is called upon when we face tough situations. We want to bounce back, become stronger, and flourish from those nasty moments. These adversities may include death of a loved one or the hurt of being bullied, verbally abused, harassed, or dismissed. They may include enduring illness and physical discomfort. They also may include loss; loss of a job, identity, sweet-heart, or self-respect. But we are not hapless or helpless. We, alone, can create meaning to our circumstances.

Creating meaning to our hardship or loss is a process. It cannot be rushed. Here are some ways that have worked for many.

12 Ways to Create Meaning

  1. Notice the grit and strengths that surface to sustain you. Then acknowledge them. Tell someone, “This is hard and I can do it.”
  2. Acknowledge both your strengths and weaknesses. Ask for help with your weaknesses.
  3. Turn inside and discover parts of yourself not yet known. Sometimes this is called Personal Growth. The first step is to acknowledge your feelings.
  4. Use the crisis as an opportunity to discover places and experiences that need to heal. Take some self-time and consider therapy to help mend your wounds.
  5. Learn who your true friends are. Notice who responds to your distress.  Notice who is reliable, supportive, caring or unreliable, unavailable or judgmental. Maybe you need to find new friends.
  6. Allow yourself to ask existential questions such as “Why me?” “What is my purpose?” and “Who am I?”
  7. Begin a spiritual practice such as yoga, meditation or prayer to discover your internal essence; a part of you that is a BEing, separate from DOing.
  8. Make a difference to protect others from future pain. Becoming a therapist gave meaning to my own childhood abuse. Writing the book, Love Her As She Is: Lessons from a Daughter Stolen by Addiction helped. It gave meaning to the challenges of loving our dear Kelly during many disturbing years. Participating in the Father’s Day Walk for prostate cancer helped give meaning to my husband, Les’ prostate cancer—his operation, radiation, and continued treatment. Mothers, who had their children killed due to those who drank and drove, created MADD—Mothers Against Drunk Driving.
  9. Realize that life is filled with paradox — shadow and light, yin and yang, the wise fool, and endings are beginnings.
  10. Develop a practice of self-compassion to help you contain negative self-chatter and embrace yourself with loving kindness.
  11. Discover the wonder of forgiveness, gratitude, and hope.
  12. Collect sayings that support you in the tough times. Here are four of my favorites:
  • If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for me, what is the point? Hillel, Ancient Philosopher
  • Grant me the serenity to accept what I can change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Reinhold Niebuhr, American theologian
  • The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Kahlil Gibran, Philosopher and Poet
  • Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it. Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now

How do you create meaning from your life pains, hurts and challenges?

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red umbrella

How to Boost Your Resilience: Assess Your Protective Factors

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red umbrella

Many of us have moved from saying “Woe is me” to “WOW! I survived and I am even thriving.”  We could ask ourselves, “Where did my resiliency develop? And if it did not develop in childhood, when did it develop?”  If you do not identify yourself as being resilient to challenges, you may not recognize your capacity to handle strain and stress. Perhaps it is time to explore building resilience and the concept of protective factors.

Here is one definition of resilience:

The maintenance of healthy ⁄ successful functioning or adaptation within the context of a significant adversity or threat.

Source: Garmezy, N. (1993). Risk and resilience. In D. C. Funder, R. D. Parke, C. Tomlinson-Keasey & K. Widaman (Eds.), Studying lives through time: Personality and development (pp. 377–398). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association

On this website, there are many articles on how to strengthen resilience. But here we will provide a connection between what happened to you in your childhood and what you can do to move forward. This will better allow you to use the other available articles with tips for strengthening your buoyancy.

Ted, Mary, Jamie, Patsy & John McLaughlin
Ted, Mary, Jamie, Patsy & John McLaughlin

Emmy Werner, Steven J. Wolin, Wayne Hammond, and Michael Unger, and other resiliency researchers discovered protective factors that helped children and youth better manage their life-long challenges.  The lists include protective factors that are described in the emotional intelligence, positive psychology, sociology and philosophy literature.

Importance of Protective Factors

  1. Enhancing Resilience: Protective factors are characteristics, skills, or resources that mitigate the negative effects of stressors and challenges. They enhance an individual’s capacity to cope, recover, and bounce back from difficult situations, promoting overall resilience.
  2. Balancing Risk Factors: Protective factors act as counterbalances to these risks, helping individuals maintain mental and emotional well-being.
  3. Promoting Positive Outcomes: In the face of adversity, individuals with strong protective factors are more likely to experience positive outcomes. These outcomes can include psychological well-being, personal growth, improved problem-solving skills, and the ability to maintain healthy relationships.
  4. Developmental Perspective: Protective factors may vary in importance across these stages, as individuals face unique challenges and opportunities for growth.
  5. Prevention and Intervention: Understanding protective factors can inform prevention and intervention strategies. By identifying and promoting these factors, researchers and practitioners can create programs and interventions that enhance resilience and reduce vulnerability to mental health issues.
  6. Holistic Approach: Resilience is a multidimensional concept that involves psychological, social, and environmental factors. Protective factors contribute to a holistic approach to well-being, recognizing the complex interplay between various aspects of an individual’s life.
  7. Cultural Considerations: Different cultures and communities may prioritize different protective factors based on their values, norms, and resources.
  8. Long-Term Impact: Building strong protective factors early in life can have a lasting impact. Children and adolescents who develop coping skills, a sense of purpose, and positive social connections are more likely to carry these attributes into adulthood.
  9. Personal Empowerment: Identifying and fostering protective factors empowers individuals to take an active role in their own well-being. This awareness can lead to proactive efforts to strengthen resilience, making it an essential aspect of mental health promotion.

Understanding and promoting protective factors have significant implications for mental health, well-being, and the development of effective interventions.

Protective factors include internal, which refers to what an individual has control over, and external, which refers to the influence of our environment. We were all affected by our childhoods in different ways. A child with a strong internal protective factor (tough constitution), regardless of a chaotic home life, may be able to heal, and go on to thrive. Those of us with weaker internal factors would have been more impacted by our parents, siblings, school, neighborhood and community. Often times a grandparent or a neighbor kept watch over us and provided some external protective factors.

Only you can decide how these internal and external factors played out. Regardless, we can always strengthen our resiliency. Assessing our childhood protective factors is one way to become aware of how we might repair, build or sustain our resilience.

Round One:

1. Take an inventory of your overall childhood using the categories below. Give each point a number from 0 (not at all) to 10 (got all I needed and more).

Internal Protective Factors

External Protective Factors

Family:

  • Felt close to family members
  • Loved unconditionally by parent(s)
  • Caring extended family
  • Basic needs met—food, shelter, and clothing
  • Safe from family violence, addictions or other mal-adaptive behaviors
  • Clear rules, routines and boundaries for structure
  • Guidance and consistency
  • Encouragement of dreams and talents
  • Appreciation for contribution

Community:

  • Love of learning, discover and teamwork instilled at school (work)
  • Positive faith experience
  • Close friendships
  • Inspiring role models
  • Group opportunities (camp, lessons)
  • Opportunities to contribute
  • Consistent child-care

2. Flag the protective factors from your childhood which you scored 5 or under.

Round Two:
Go through the above list again reflecting on your life today. Give a number 0 (not at all) to 10 (have all I need and more).

Flag:

a)   Note the protective factors you have repaired from your childhood–the ones that were missing back then.  Congratulate yourself for attending to your needs.

b)   Note the protective factors that still need a repair.

c)   Note ONE protective factor on which you can take action to repair today.

Now that you have taken an inventory of what needs strengthening for your resiliency, do something about it.

  • Do something different.
  • Write down a plan.
  • Make a phone call to someone you trust to listen with compassion.
  • Ask for help. It is not weak to ask for help. It is a demonstration of strength of character and self-worth.

Congratulate yourself for  assessing your protective factors. Now attend to your needs! Let us know how you do. Ok?

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