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cover of How Much is Enough?

How Much is Enough? – Book Summary

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cover of How Much is Enough?
“We are abusing our children in new ways.  We are diminishing their resilience, their ability to deal with small or large challenges by overindulging them.” Jean Illsley Clarke, author of How Much Is Enough?

This was the basic message Jean Illsley Clarke delivered at a Calgary public seminar.

She and her colleagues have published their findings in How Much Is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children by Jean Illsley Clarke Ph.D, Connie Dawson Ph.D and David Bredehoft Ph.D.

Overview:

The authors acknowledge that all parents want the best for their children. However, even though many parents are working full tilt and are close to bankruptcy, they still continue to give their children heaps of help and stuff to the point of overindulgence.

With three self-studies and several other studies backing them, the authors propose parents’ excessive indulgence has gone awry as they attempt to protect their children from a mere tear.

Basic Concepts:

Studies on overindulgence helped the authors conclude that we cripple our children’s competence when we:

  1. Do or give too much—too many lessons; too many visits to McDonald’s, Chucky Cheese and Disney World; too many designer clothes; too much entertainment; too many electronics and toys; and too many sweet treats.
  2. Are too soft in our family structure—too slack with guidelines, rules and expectations of contributing, doing chores and keeping agreements.
  3. Too helpful—too often tying their shoes, taking over their responsibilities, and doing for our children what they can do for themselves.

The results of overindulgence are children (and eventually adults) who:

  • feel ungrateful, entitled and helpless.
  • expect immediate gratification, wealth and fame and expect to be the center of attention, if not the universe.
  • act with disrespect, poor self-control and poor boundaries.
  • lack basic life skills, realistic goals and empathy.

Although Clarke and her colleagues do not go in depth about the tenets of responsible parenting they have written many books on it such as the classic Self Esteem: A Family Affair.

Here are some suggestions for you to counteract overindulgence:

  1. Stop. Take a breath. Then turn down invitations to overindulge.
  2. Learn about typical child development so you have realistic expectations.
  3. Realize that enough is good enough. Provide food, shelter, clothing, guidance, and love.  Leave the rest to be given in moderation or to be earned by your child.
  4. Establish family guidelines, routines and structure. Use family meetings to help create structure.
  5. Before taking an action ask, “Is this in my child’s best interest?”

Jean Illsley Clarke Quotes:

  1. “Occasional indulgences add color, pleasure and joy to life.  When those same indulgences become a pattern, however, the result is very different.  This pattern is called overindulgence.”
  2. “Overindulging children is giving them too much of anything that looks good, but hinders them from doing their development tasks and from learning necessary life lessons.  Overindulging adults is giving too much of anything that looks good, but supports their excessive sense of entitlement or lack of competence, responsibility or initiative.”

Summary:

Raising children to be likable, responsible and respectful is no easy undertaking, but steering clear of overindulgence is possible if parents follow the guidelines offered in How Much is Enough.

Please check out these related posts:

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you are good enough contrary to not good enough

How to Challenge your ‘Not Good Enough’ Thoughts

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you are good enough contrary to not good enoughToo many of us suffer with as sense that we are not good enough. Recently, three different women friends have prompted me to ponder the subject of believing in our not enoughness or of not doing enough, giving enough or being enough.

The Silent Questions of I Am Not Enough

The silent questions, aligned with not good enough, that some brave people share out loud, are:

  • Am I a good enough mother (or father)?
  • Am I a good enough daughter (or son)? 
  • Am I a good enough friend? 
  • Am I a good enough employee? 
  • Am I a good enough employer?
  • Am I a good enough citizen?
  • Am I wealthy enough?
  • Am I successful enough?
  • Am I smart enough?
  • Am I a good enough speaker and expert?

Many professional speakers, myself included, after receiving harsh (and of course anonymous) criticism, ask ourselves that last question.

Am I questions are very different from Do I questions. When we ask Do I do enough? Do I know enough? Do I give enough? the answers are simply a yes or no. Then we have the option to follow-up with behavior more aligned with our values.

However, sometimes we do more and give more in an unconscious effort to increase our sense of enoughness. Asking if our essence (I AM) is enough is a signal that our self-worth, self-respect and self-concept is suffering. The journalist and author of the book, Passages, Predictable Crises of Adult Life, Gail Sheehy wrote:

Would that there were an award for people who come to understand the concept of enough. Good enough. Successful enough. Thin enough. Rich enough. Socially responsible enough. When you have self-respect, you have enough.”

You are Enough!

How to we get to a place of enoughness? The Oxford dictionary defines enough as an adjective meaning adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire.

Most often the word enough is used in the context of challenging our cultural greed for endless consuming.  This craving for material wealth has created a generation of youth, many who walk and talk with a sense of privilege and with a whine of not having enough.  This overindulged phenomenon is well researcher and described in Jean Illsley Clark’s book, How Much is Enough?

You are not enough is an untruth. In the beginning of your life and in the end, we were born enough and continue to be enough!

You are enough!

You are enough and here is why:

10 Reasons You Are Enough

  1. I am is enough on its own. The day you were born you were lovable and whole. You still are. Be careful what you think or say after I am.
  2. You are a human BEing not a human doing. Therefore, who you are enough.
  3. Dogs and cats are enough just as they are. You contribute much more to the world than them. If they are enough, so are you.
  4. You can only do your best and that is enough.
  5. Perfection exists in the eye of the beholder. See yourself as perfectly imperfect and that will be enough.
  6. You are adequate. You are sufficient. You have strengths and gifts and as long as you are using them, that is enough.
  7. Martin Seligman, author of the book, Flourish, and the founder of Positive Psychology, describes one of the keys to authentic happiness as feeling grateful for what you have. I add: feel grateful for who you are with your feelings, beliefs, values, past, accomplishments, future, and dreams—all enough!
  8. Comparing yourself to others who do more, have more, and speak more, diminishes your enoughness.  Compare yourself to where you once were and affirm you are enough.
  9. My mother used to say, “That is a good enough job.” I say, “You are good enough just the way you are.” Of course, you have goals and are open to changing and learning. But in the meantime, know you are lovable and capable as is!
  10. If you are reading this you are a good enough mother, daughter, friend . . . and human BEing.

I sent a little note to one of those friends who questioned her enoughness. It read, “Remember, you give the world more than enough of you and your gifts.” She wrote back, “This means more to me than I can say….thank you.

Develop some self-compassion. The next time the thought, “I’m not enough shows up,” just notice. When you are ready, remind yourself “It’s just a untrue thought.” Know you are enough. You are! In the spirit of taking on the “I am not enough’ thought, consider forwarding this little, but powerful, message forward, You are enough!

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Avoid burn out and compassion fatigue

Do You Care Too Much? Avoid Compassion Fatigue and Burn-out

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Avoid burn out and compassion fatigueThe expectation that we can be immersed in suffering and loss daily and not be touched by it, is as unrealistic as expecting to walk through water and not get wet.  Rachel Naomi Remen

As a therapist, as well as, sometimes, family caregiver of those with disabilities, there have been times I needed to be aware of compassion fatigue. I would hear a little voice saying, “Make some space and time for yourself, Patricia”.

Definition of Compassion Fatigue

WordReferrence.com defines compassion fatigue as a lack of sympathy for suffering, as a result of continuous exposure to those in need of aid. In the early 1990s compassion fatigue was used to describe burnout-like symptoms emergency nurses were experiencing while caring for patients in emotional and/or physical distress. Symptoms include physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion.  Therefore, compassion fatigue is sometimes referred to as secondary or vicarious trauma.

Not just nurses, social workers, and psychologists care for others, but many of us will, at some time, be called to provide care for a family member or a friend. Yes, there is compassion fatigue (or compassion exhaustion or caregiver fatigue) for those who are not professionals. Consequently, you may now, or in the future, need to deal with compassion fatigue. At the same time, you might think you are burning out. Both have similar stages of increased distress:

  1. Enthusiasm
  2. Stagnation
  3. Frustration
  4. Apathy

(Stages of Burn-out by Edelwich and Brodsky, 1980)

When we care for others, we need to avoid being so unaware of our distress that we end up feeling indifferent or apathetic. heart for self-careThe time to start increasing our self-care is when we begin to feel frustration.

Most self-care measures are dependent on recognizing if you are experiencing burn-out or compassion fatigue. As Mark Young, writes in Learning the Art of Helping:

The effective helper has good self-care skills.”

Burnout Conditions

  1. Lack of support.
  2. Lack of free time.
  3. Unrealistic expectations with not enough time or resources.

Self-Care Actions for Burnout Prevention or Recovery

Typically, the kind of self-care required is reliant on making changes in your environment:

  1. Take a leave from the situation
  2. Ask for a healthy change
  3. Resign

Compassion Fatigue Conditions

  1. Triggered into flashbacks of a traumatic incident in your own life.
  2. Vicarious or secondary trauma. Triggered to remember the moments of witnessing someone’s (your client or dear one) intense pain. Note: if you are in the helping professions hourly and weekly working with highly traumatized clients you will need to be more vigilant.

Self-Care Actions for Compassion Fatigue Prevention or Recovery

Triggered into flashbacks:

  1. Talk about it with a support person.
  2. Arrange counselling; a trained professional can help.

Vicarious or Secondary Trauma:

  1. Debrief regularly with a support person.
  2. If you are a professional, arrange for ample supervision.
  3. Learn about Compassion Growth.
  4. Check to see if you are absorbing additional trauma through television, the internet and/or the news. Then minimize your viewing and add more Good News to your life.

Take a quiz and learn more at The Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project.

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Jean Illsley Clarke at workshop about Overindulging Children

Overindulging Children Can Have Negative Adult Results

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Jean Illsley Clarke at workshop about Overindulging Children
Patricia with Jean Illsley Clarke

This blog explores how overindulging children often results in adults who walk and talk with a sense of privilege.

Growing up on a farm, the idea of my parents indulging us never crossed my and my siblings’ minds. This concept likely never crosses the minds of those who engage in egomaniac, self-admiring, diva, princess, or prima-donna behavior, barely functioning in the cubicle down the hall from you or someone else’s workspace! Yes, I am describing the adult you probably know who plays victim and struggles with accepting responsibility.

Adults Living with a Sense of Privilege

Overindulging children, can years later, turn up as an adult who demonstrates some or all of the following:

  1. Entitlement Attitude: They tend to believe they deserve special treatment and are often frustrated when things do not go their way.
  2. Lack of Responsibility: They tend to struggle with taking responsibility for their actions and may blame others for their mistakes or failures.
  3. Immediate Gratification: They tend to demand their wants be accommodated immediately and have difficulty waiting or working for what they want.
  4. Inadequate Life Skills: They tend to lack basic life skills such as cooking, cleaning, or managing finances because these tasks were always done for them.
  5. Difficulty with Boundaries: They tend to invade others’ personal space and have a hard time understanding or respecting boundaries.
  6. Materialism: They tend to place a high value on wealth, fame, and appearance, often prioritizing these over meaningful relationships and personal growth.
  7. Low Gratitude: They tend to seldom express appreciation for the efforts of others and take people and things for granted.
  8. Helplessness: They tend to frequently feel overwhelmed by tasks and situations they perceive as difficult, often thinking, “Poor me, I don’t know how to do this.”
  9. Lack of Empathy: They tend to have difficulty understanding or caring about the feelings and needs of others, often appearing self-centered.

Research Source:

The observations about the effects of overindulging children and the resulting adult behaviors are based on research presented in the book How Much Is Enough? Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children by Jean Illsley Clarke, Connie Dawson, and David Bredehoft. Jean Illsley Clarke has conducted extensive research on overindulgence and its long-term impacts on children as they grow into adulthood.

For parents, this body of research highlights the importance of setting boundaries, fostering independence, and instilling values of responsibility and gratitude to counteract the detrimental effects of overindulgence.

Several years ago, I attended a workshop, with Jean Illsley Clarke on this topic. At the time, Clarke was a spry 87-year-old award-winning author and pioneer parent educator. She presented research describing the dilemma of the “new normal” of overindulgence.

Three Ways Caregivers Engage in Overindulging Children

Clarke and her research team concluded there are three main ways caregivers engage in overindulging children:

  1. Too Much: Providing excessive material goods and experiences — too much of anything—clothes, electronics, lessons, and more stuff,
  2. Over-Nurturing: Doing things for children that they can do for themselves — doing for them what they can do for themselves. Picture a mother tying the shoelace while the child is texting on a cell phone.
  3. Soft Structure: Lack of rules, consequences, and expectations, such as chores.

I recall Clarke saying, “As people who were overindulged as children become adults, there is a huge impact on their confidence level. These are the people who are most likely to report that they don’t feel they have control over their children.” Another consequence of overindulging children is they lack opportunities to build their resilience muscle.

Indicators of an Adults Living with a Sense of Privilege

  1. Expect immediate gratification—demanding their wants be accommodated RIGHT NOW!
  2. Lack boundaries—invading others’ personal and workplace spaces.
  3. Confuse their wants with needs—believing their wants are their needs.
  4. Lack workplace and people skills—struggling with effective workplace cooperation and teamwork.
  5. Disrespect other people and their property—borrowing and not taking good care of the property or losing it.
  6. Believe they are helpless—thinking, “Poor me. I don’t know how to do this.”
  7. Value wealth (money), fame (attention, admiration), and image (designer clothes and appearance)—missing out on meaningful relationships, personal growth, and purposeful workplace and community participation.
  8. Have little gratitude—making little or no effort to express appreciation to others for their efforts on their behalf.

What are parents and workplace leaders to do when the effects of overindulgence are evident?

How to Deal with an Adult who Lives with a Sense of Privilege 

  1. Name the 1, 2, or 3 ways that overindulgence is demonstrated through words and actions and/or lack of keeping agreements.
  2. Do not support or encourage self-indulgent behavior.
  3. Name the values (virtues) you want to be the norm in your home, workplace, or community; values such as cooperation, mutual respect, and responsibility. A list of value words and how they align with clear boundaries may help.
  4. Have clear expectations and hold children and adults responsible for agreements and their choices.
  5. Affirm and celebrate people’s demonstration of competence, empathy, and other character-building virtues.

Overindulging children obviously has consequences. Love them. Guide them, and hold them developmentally and appropriately responsible.

How and when have you caught yourself or others inappropriately indulging a child or an adult living with a sense of privilege?

Please check out these related posts:

How Much Is Enough? by Jean Illsley Clarke — Book Summary
Use a List of Values to Help Focus Your Time and Energy

single parent with 2 children, solo parent, parenting

Single Parent: 10 Powerful Tips from a Solo Mom

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single parent with 2 children, solo parent, parentingAlthough being a single parent can be rewarding or a relief from an unfulfilling or unhappy relationship, it often has significant challenges. Challenges can include financial constraints as well as time management, needing to juggle work, parenting, and other responsibilities all at once.  Social isolation can create feeling of cut-off from  peers due to the lack of a partner to share the parenting responsibilities.

Single parents may experience an increased amount of stress due to the responsibility of raising a child or children alone. Add guilt for not being able to provide the same benefits as children of two–parent families. Here is a little more detail about seven key distresses of being a single parent

  1. Financial Strain: Single parents often bear the sole responsibility for the financial well-being of their families.
  2. Time Management:  Managing work, parenting, and personal time can be difficult for single parents. Juggling multiple responsibilities and finding time for self-care can be a constant challenge.
  3. Emotional Stress: Single parents may experience feelings of loneliness, stress, and emotional exhaustion. The absence of a co-parent to share responsibilities and emotional support can take a toll.
  4. Limited Support System: Single parents may have a smaller support network compared to those with a co-parent. Relying on friends, family, or other support systems becomes crucial, but it might not always be readily available.
  5. Parenting Alone: Single parents have to make important decisions and handle all aspects of parenting on their own. This includes discipline, guidance, and providing emotional support, which can be challenging without a partner.
  6. Social Stigma: Single parents may face societal judgments and stereotypes, which can contribute to feelings of isolation and inadequacy. Overcoming these societal pressures and maintaining a positive self-image can be challenging.
  7. Limited Personal Time: Single parents often have little time for themselves. Between work and parenting responsibilities, finding time for personal interests, hobbies, or simply relaxing can be a significant challenge.

Here are some ideas to assist from my friend, Leane Riley. She wants you to know, “I might be a solo parent but I don’t have to do it all alone.”

  1. Remember that Super Mom or Super Dad is not even a comic book character!
  2. Be open with your children.  Tell them the truth or a childlike version of it.  Children sense everything but they don’t always know the questions to ask.
  3. Remind children that you are human and have needs too.  “You like going to the park, I like getting my nails done.”
  4. Insist that children contribute.  When they say, “It’s not fair!” let them know that life isn’t always fair for you either.  “It’s not fair that I have to do everything when there are two other pairs of hands and legs in the house.”
  5. Remember, you are the shining example of how a successful woman behaves and what kind of response she accepts from others, including men.
  6. Provide routine that children can count on.
  7. During a job interview, find a way to mention your family.  That way, there are no surprises.  You also get a chance to learn more about your boss, the organization and their values.  This provides you with more personal power!  Choose a family-friendly organization.
  8. Single moms have little downtime.  Let your car or bus be your wind-down time.  Sit in your car at a park or somewhere private between work and child-care pickup.  Listen to music, have your coffee or be with your thoughts and decisions.  Arrange for girlfriend phone chats after the children are in bed.  Plan meals as a stress reliever.  If cooking is a chore, have sporadic cereal nights.
  9. Have a portrait taken of your new family.  The depth that picture will have is priceless.  Leane says that the picture of her and her two girls still sits on a shelf fixed between two angels.  “It constantly serves as a reminder that I survived, had happy times and that difficult times can change for the better.  That portrait still brings tears to my eyes.  I am so proud of us all!”
  10.  Don’t try to be all to your children.  Remember, it takes a village to raise a child.

Note: This is an excerpt from Patricia Morgan’s book, From Woe to WOW: How Resilient Women Succeed at Work

Lastly, here is a Canadian website with resources for single parents called One Parent.

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Negative Beliefs: How to Identify and Replace Them

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two children developing negative beliefsChildhood, adolescent, and sometimes adult experiences can create core negative beliefs. In childhood, these beliefs can be planted by the absence of parental or caregiver attention and security caused by addiction, domestic violence, neglect, abandonment, poverty, bullying, threat of harm, and lack of protection.

These negative beliefs can become rigid collections of thoughts, statements, and images that overpower a person’s outlook on themselves and life. They can be formed during childhood, adolescence and include conclusions of being unlovable, unworthy, stupid, inferior, powerless, vulnerable, and bad. These negative core beliefs can become so ingrained that they can shape a person’s behavior and affect the choices they make, limiting their potential and ability to enjoy life.

Negative belief patterns then shape our behavior and decisions, limiting our potential and hindering our ability to find joy and satisfaction in life.

Categories of Old Negative Beliefs

The first step to calming negative beliefs is identifying them. Doing so can help reveal our underlying attitudes and values. When we uncover patterns of thinking that keep us stuck, we can welcome healthier, more empowering beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors. It also helps us become more aware of our own tendencies and reactivity, so we can better recognize and respond to our own emotional triggers. Ultimately, being able to identify and change our negative beliefs can enable us to become more emotionally regulated, effective, and resilient.

 Self-Image or Self-Esteem 

Poor self-esteem or self-image can be developed in several ways, including exposure to comparison to siblings or peers, and invalidation of emotions or experiences. Other influences can include parents’ inappropriate efforts to control, focusing on children’s mistakes or shortcomings, making demeaning comments, over-criticizing or excessively punishing.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

  1. I am a bad person.
  2. I am unlovable.
  3. I am not good enough.
  4. I am damaged.
  5. I am stupid.
  6. I am a loser.
  7. I am inferior.
  8. I am a failure.
  9. I am inadequate.
  10. I am weak.
  11. I am shameful.
  12. I am worthless.
  13.  I am insignificant.
  14.  I am unattractive (ugly, fat, etc.)
  15.  I am useless.
  16. There’s something wrong with me.
  17. I am always wrong.
  18. I have to be perfect.

Self in Relationship

Influential adults can contribute to negative core beliefs about self in relationships by making negative or overly critical comments about their children’s relationships. They may also compare children to their peers or others in a negative way, pointing out what they could do better or how they are not good enough.

Adults, who were neglected or abandoned as adults, may cling to others, but if they were abused and invaded, they may avoid intimacy. Consequently, this core belief can result in an adult having difficulty in forming secure and healthy relationships.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

  1. People I love will leave me.
  2. People will reject and abandon me.
  3. If I love or care for something/someone, I will be abandoned.
  4. I am different and don’t belong.
  5. I do not measure up to others.
  6. I am not important or as good as others.
  7. I need to please others, or they will leave me.
  8. I can’t be happy on my own.
  9. It’s selfish to put myself first.
  10. When I see others have a problem, I need to help them.
  11. I am only worthy when I help others.
  12. If I express negative feelings in a relationship, something terrible will happen.
  13. I’m responsible for everyone and everything.
  14. If I care enough, I can fix him/her/this.

Having Control or Choice

Children are given the message that they have no control or choice when adults discount their emotions or push them to make decisions that go against their own feelings and values. Adults can also overprotect children which can lead them to believe they cannot make smart choices or that making mistakes is unacceptable, punishable, or even dangerous.

Caregivers reinforce lack of control and choice when they take away age-appropriate choices such as choosing friends or alternatively expecting a child to behave like an adult or punishing a child for a harmless choice.

Adults may also provide poor role modeling by passively submitting to authority, letting people take advantage of them or avoid making decisions.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

  1. I am helpless/powerless.
  2.  I am out of control.
  3. I cannot let go.
  4. I must have control to be okay.
  5. I am trapped.
  6. I am a victim.
  7. I can’t stand it.
  8. People manipulate me and control my life.
  9. It is not ok to feel.
  10. I can’t do it.
  11. I can’t stand up for myself.
  12. I can’t say ‘no’.

Persaonl Safety

Some caregivers and adults do not have the capacity to care for and protect children! They may threaten, fight, abuse or neglect because of their own trauma or poor mental health.

 Some influential adults may dwell on potential threats, constantly talking about danger, highlight worst-case scenarios, and limit natural exploration and risk-taking. However other adults may dismiss or punish a child for expressing fear or worry saying something like, you’re being silly or it’s nothing to worry about, without offering any acknowledgment and comfort.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

  1. I am in danger.
  2. I cannot trust myself.
  3. I cannot trust others, not anyone.
  4. It’s not safe to say how I feel.
  5. I cannot stand up for myself.
  6. I must do everything perfectly or I’m in trouble.
  7. If I make a mistake, it means I am a failure.
  8. I’ve done something wrong.
  9. It’s not okay to ask for help.
  10. I must do everything myself.
  11. If I don’t do it, no one will.
  12. I can’t trust or rely on another person.
  13. If I trust people, they will hurt me (and I won’t survive).
  14. People will betray me.
  15. People are untrustworthy. 

Entitlement or Privilege

In this era of over-protecting children, some adults suffer from a sense of privilege. They are covering up for their own lack of competence. Thankfully, some of these individuals come to the realization that their superior view of themselves can ruin relationships. I had the chance to help one such client who, because of her upbringing, was not made to contribute to family life in any way. She was resentful that her parents failed to teach her basic daily life skills such as cooking, cleaning, and doing the laundry, and felt humiliated when she had to learn these tasks from her newlywed spouse.

In 2004, family researcher, Jean Illsley Clarke in her book, How Much Is Enough?: Everything You Need to Know to Steer Clear of Overindulgence and Raise Likeable, Responsible and Respectful Children, call over-indulgence the new abuse.  She points out that over-indulgence happens when parents give too much, do too much, protect too much, and seldom let children experience the consequences of their mistakes.

Parents may provide too many clothes, electronics, or other unnecessities, shield them from responsibility or accountability, not teach them life-skills, pander excessively to their wants and delay or avoid problem-solving skills. Parents may also be over-indulging their children by caving into their demands rather than setting boundaries and expectations, giving praise that is not earned or deserved, and not setting age-appropriate limits or expectations or being consistent in the enforcement of them.

Do any of these core, negative beliefs resonate with you?

  1. People need to respect me.
  2. I deserve a lot of attention and praise.
  3. I am superior to others.
  4. I am entitled to special treatment.
  5. If I don’t excel, then I’m inferior, worthless, and ordinary.
  6. I am special and people should treat me that way.
  7. I don’t have to follow rules like other people.
  8. Other people should give me what I want.
  9. If I want something I should get it.
  10. People have no right to criticize me.
  11. People who don’t understand me don’t see how special or brilliant I am.
  12. I can do nothing wrong. 

Challenge and Replace Negative Beliefs 

For a different perspective on beliefs consider reading the article, Core Beliefs and Happiness by Mandy Kloppers on the Mental Help website. https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/core-beliefs-and-happiness

Then use these questions inspired by Byron Katie’s work, Love What Is to begin to replace the negative beliefs you identified above:

  1. Do I know this belief is accurate and true? Can I prove it?
  2. What will be the consequence if I keep this belief?
  3. What will be the consequence if I refuse to have this belief?
  4. What stops me from changing my belief?
  5. What do I need to do to change this belief to one I prefer?
  6. Do I need support to change this belief? Is so who can emotionally support me?

Note: You can also test the accuracy of your belief or story by stating out loud, “The story I tell myself is ______________________________”

Good on you for doing the work of identifying and replacing negative beliefs. You just might have strengthened a resilient mindset.

Please check out these related posts:
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journal & flowers for self-compassion

How to Practice True Self-Compassion

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journal & flowers for self-compassion

True Self-Compassion

Do you tell people, maybe your children, You are special. You are smart. You are amazing?  Do you send yourself similar messages? But, wait! These lines are not necessarily the best for anyone’s development of healthy self-esteem, confidence, compassion or self-compassion.

Believing You are smart, may be true or not.  Numerous and recent research projects indicate that intelligence is not the main indicator of success nor happiness.  Plus, it belies the fact that most of us have an average intelligence.  That’s what the Wechsler Intelligence Scale indicates. Most us are normal, average human beings! That doesn’t mean we can not do exceptional acts.

Believing You are special (or amazing) can encourage narcissism, a sense of privilege, and arrogance.  No one is more special than another.  Of course, most of us are special to a special loved one or loves.

Regrettably, the self-esteem movement went sideways when many parents began to use these expletives of perfection in a culture filled with competitiveness.  They falsely placed the receiver at the top of the human race hierarchy. So, instead of building ourselves and others up with perfectionistic cliches what are the alternatives?

The two main messages that build healthy self-esteem and self-concept are:

1) You are lovable and

2) You are capable.

The first declaration requires no performance.  All babies are lovable just the way they are.  And we stay lovable.  The second statement, You are capable, requires a journey to discover our gifts, passions and strengths. And then we need a willingness to use those gifts to make a meaningful difference. Most of us desire some sense of life purpose.

And of course, I add, You are resilient as we can all benefit from the ability to bounce back from life’s challenges.

As human beings we will make errors. In order for us to bounce back from those errors we need a dose of, guess what? Yes, compassion for both ourselves and others. We need to let one another off the hook of the perfection trap.

Self-Compassion and Compassion are the Answer

The Cambridge Dictionary define compassion as

a strong feeling of sympathy and sadness for the suffering or bad luck of others and a wish to help them.”

The Oxford dictionary used the word pity to mean compassion. I didn’t like that. Who wants to be pitied? I would like us to substitute the word empathy in the Cambridge Dictionary’s definition for sympathy. I prefer to think of compassion as having empathy for other people’s pain and misfortune.

Children suffer around the world of verbal, physical and sexual abuse plus neglect. Then there are in countries who practice child-labor and child-marriages. We instinctively compassion for those children. But too often we forget those children often grow into angry, defensive, controlling, depressed, anxious or addicted adults.  Some have the privilege and resources to access therapy or some other healing experience. Others are merely and tragically doing their best.

Some may find solace in reading books such as the compassion researcher, Kristin Neff’s book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind. She suggests we practice the ability to think and act kindly towards ourselves. However, for some of us the idea of self-compassion may be difficult.  To sit still with empathy while in our emotional pain may seem impossible.

Neff proposes that how we attempt to boost self-esteem, as described above, can indeed become problematic.  She points out that if we use comparisons to boost our worth, self-esteem becomes a competitive race. We then are repeatedly attempting to be and do one better than others.  And when we do not find ourselves at the top, we view ourselves as less-than and unworthy.

What Self-Compassion Can Do for You

Here is what self-compassion can do for you. It can help you look at yourself and others as merely human.  With increased self-compassion comes self-acceptance of our weaknesses, mistakes and personality flaws.  Doing so results in increased self-responsibility.  We can tell ourselves, “Yes, I made a mistake that hurt others. I will forgive myself and make amends.”

Those with well developed self-compassion embrace their inner critic. They do not fear it.  They view the inner-critic with resilience and engage in dialogue with the snarly voice inside.

Deepen your self-compassion by treating yourself like a compassionate, caring and kind parent. Here are some tips to help.

Eight Tips to Deepen Your Self-Compassion

  1. Protect yourself from others who are not kind, supportive, and compassionate. If you have repeated conflict with a loved one seek therapy yourself and/or go together.
  2. If you live with someone who abusive, put a strategy in place to leave. Ask for help from a domestic violence shelter.
  3. Regularly, do something kind and comforting for yourself. Take a bubble bath, nap or eat a bowl of tapioca pudding.
  4. From a compassion adult part, develop some loving self-talk. Tell yourself, “You are lovable. You can do it. You deserve a rest.”
  5. Befriend the part of you that is the protector, defender or critic. It helped you survive abuse. Acknowledge that part of you. “Awe, I hear you. In the past you helped me cope. I wasn’t safe. I had no control or choice. I am safe now. I can make choices that nourish me.”
  6. When you do not want to do something that is ultimately healthy for you, arrange to give yourself a reward after completion.
  7. Talk about and celebrate your accomplishments and, some days, celebrate that you got out of bed.

His Holiness, The Dalai Lama said, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

What do you do to practice self-compassion?

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red umbrella

How to Boost Your Resilience: Assess Your Protective Factors

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red umbrella

Many of us have moved from saying “Woe is me” to “WOW! I survived and I am even thriving.”  We could ask ourselves, “Where did my resiliency develop? And if it did not develop in childhood, when did it develop?”  If you do not identify yourself as being resilient to challenges, you may not recognize your capacity to handle strain and stress. Perhaps it is time to explore building resilience and the concept of protective factors.

Here is one definition of resilience:

The maintenance of healthy ⁄ successful functioning or adaptation within the context of a significant adversity or threat.

Source: Garmezy, N. (1993). Risk and resilience. In D. C. Funder, R. D. Parke, C. Tomlinson-Keasey & K. Widaman (Eds.), Studying lives through time: Personality and development (pp. 377–398). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association

On this website, there are many articles on how to strengthen resilience. But here we will provide a connection between what happened to you in your childhood and what you can do to move forward. This will better allow you to use the other available articles with tips for strengthening your buoyancy.

Ted, Mary, Jamie, Patsy & John McLaughlin
Ted, Mary, Jamie, Patsy & John McLaughlin

Emmy Werner, Steven J. Wolin, Wayne Hammond, and Michael Unger, and other resiliency researchers discovered protective factors that helped children and youth better manage their life-long challenges.  The lists include protective factors that are described in the emotional intelligence, positive psychology, sociology and philosophy literature.

Importance of Protective Factors

  1. Enhancing Resilience: Protective factors are characteristics, skills, or resources that mitigate the negative effects of stressors and challenges. They enhance an individual’s capacity to cope, recover, and bounce back from difficult situations, promoting overall resilience.
  2. Balancing Risk Factors: Protective factors act as counterbalances to these risks, helping individuals maintain mental and emotional well-being.
  3. Promoting Positive Outcomes: In the face of adversity, individuals with strong protective factors are more likely to experience positive outcomes. These outcomes can include psychological well-being, personal growth, improved problem-solving skills, and the ability to maintain healthy relationships.
  4. Developmental Perspective: Protective factors may vary in importance across these stages, as individuals face unique challenges and opportunities for growth.
  5. Prevention and Intervention: Understanding protective factors can inform prevention and intervention strategies. By identifying and promoting these factors, researchers and practitioners can create programs and interventions that enhance resilience and reduce vulnerability to mental health issues.
  6. Holistic Approach: Resilience is a multidimensional concept that involves psychological, social, and environmental factors. Protective factors contribute to a holistic approach to well-being, recognizing the complex interplay between various aspects of an individual’s life.
  7. Cultural Considerations: Different cultures and communities may prioritize different protective factors based on their values, norms, and resources.
  8. Long-Term Impact: Building strong protective factors early in life can have a lasting impact. Children and adolescents who develop coping skills, a sense of purpose, and positive social connections are more likely to carry these attributes into adulthood.
  9. Personal Empowerment: Identifying and fostering protective factors empowers individuals to take an active role in their own well-being. This awareness can lead to proactive efforts to strengthen resilience, making it an essential aspect of mental health promotion.

Understanding and promoting protective factors have significant implications for mental health, well-being, and the development of effective interventions.

Protective factors include internal, which refers to what an individual has control over, and external, which refers to the influence of our environment. We were all affected by our childhoods in different ways. A child with a strong internal protective factor (tough constitution), regardless of a chaotic home life, may be able to heal, and go on to thrive. Those of us with weaker internal factors would have been more impacted by our parents, siblings, school, neighborhood and community. Often times a grandparent or a neighbor kept watch over us and provided some external protective factors.

Only you can decide how these internal and external factors played out. Regardless, we can always strengthen our resiliency. Assessing our childhood protective factors is one way to become aware of how we might repair, build or sustain our resilience.

Round One:

1. Take an inventory of your overall childhood using the categories below. Give each point a number from 0 (not at all) to 10 (got all I needed and more).

Internal Protective Factors

External Protective Factors

Family:

  • Felt close to family members
  • Loved unconditionally by parent(s)
  • Caring extended family
  • Basic needs met—food, shelter, and clothing
  • Safe from family violence, addictions or other mal-adaptive behaviors
  • Clear rules, routines and boundaries for structure
  • Guidance and consistency
  • Encouragement of dreams and talents
  • Appreciation for contribution

Community:

  • Love of learning, discover and teamwork instilled at school (work)
  • Positive faith experience
  • Close friendships
  • Inspiring role models
  • Group opportunities (camp, lessons)
  • Opportunities to contribute
  • Consistent child-care

2. Flag the protective factors from your childhood which you scored 5 or under.

Round Two:
Go through the above list again reflecting on your life today. Give a number 0 (not at all) to 10 (have all I need and more).

Flag:

a)   Note the protective factors you have repaired from your childhood–the ones that were missing back then.  Congratulate yourself for attending to your needs.

b)   Note the protective factors that still need a repair.

c)   Note ONE protective factor on which you can take action to repair today.

Now that you have taken an inventory of what needs strengthening for your resiliency, do something about it.

  • Do something different.
  • Write down a plan.
  • Make a phone call to someone you trust to listen with compassion.
  • Ask for help. It is not weak to ask for help. It is a demonstration of strength of character and self-worth.

Congratulate yourself for  assessing your protective factors. Now attend to your needs! Let us know how you do. Ok?

Little girl dancing with joy1

Protective Factors to Boost Children’s Resilience

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Little girl dancing with joy1
Resilient and filled with joy!

She bent down and tied up her 9-year-old’s shoe strings. Remarkably, the little guy is a bright, and potentially capable, boy.  Millennials (those born between the mid-1990s to early 2000s) are often times called The Me Me Me Generation. They tend to be over-protected from challenge, consequences, and tears. As the family researcher, Jean Illsley Clark, reports in her book, How Much Is Enough?, this parental tendency to over-protect continues. The sad news is that our children’s resilience is being compromised!

At a Family Service Canada symposium for Family Educators, I learned about the work of Dr. Wayne Hammond. Below are researched ways to nurture resiliency in our children.

Protective Factors Include Intrinsic and Extrinsic Elements

Note: Intrinsic refers to personal and internal processes. Extrinsic refers to the outside environment.

Intrinsic Components or Assets

  1. Empowerment involves children feeling a sense of safety; safe to simply be and express what they think and feel.
  2. Self-concept involves children believing they are capable, loved and valued. They have a sense of purpose by using their strengths. It includes healthy self-esteem and self-efficiency.
  3. Self-control is about the ability of children to restrain themselves for a long term and healthy outcome. It means resisting temptation, being able to say “no” and demonstrating self-discipline.
  4. Social sensitivity means that children can act with care, empathy, support, equality, and justice.
  5. Cultural Sensitivity is an indicator that children have the ability to accept diversity in spirituality, race and the background of others.

Parents can encourage internal resiliency by:

  •  teaching and acknowledging feelings
  •  supporting children’s strengths, gifts, and passions
  •  asking for children’s opinions
  •  avoiding rescuing them; that is protecting them from consequences of their behaviors
  •  teaching empathy, care, and manners
  •  turning mistakes into learning opportunities
  •  acknowledging success moments
  •  teaching problem solving and following through with consequences
  •  truly listening
  •  participating in spiritual and/or religious activities
  •  inviting different kinds of people into family life
  •  teaching traditions, beliefs & values

Extrinsic Components or AssetsPicture of the Morgan family - teaching resilience starts when children are young

  1. Families make a positive difference in their children’s lives when they show care, provide positive role models, support them in tough times, have high expectations, and are involved in their schools.
  2. Peers can have a positive influence if they act responsibly.
  3. Learning at school happens when children work at achieving, attend regularly and diligently do their homework.
  4. School staff make a positive difference when they set clear rules and boundaries while providing a caring and inspiring atmosphere with high expectations of behavior.
  5. Communities make a positive difference to children when rules and clear boundaries are known and followed through. Resilience is also built when healthy adults are available as role models and neighborhoods demonstrate care.

Parents can influence their children’s environment by:

  • making their love and limits known
  • apologizing when in error
  • engaging in activities they love
  • becoming as healthy as they know how
  • choosing healthy friends
  • having time available to BE THERE
  • volunteering at their children’s school
  • supporting appropriate school consequences
  • expecting their children to succeed
  • holding children responsible for their choices and  behavior
  • knowing their children’s friends
  • making their children’s  friends welcome in their home
  • supporting consistent study habits
  • providing a quiet place to do homework
  • setting a specific time for homework
  • ensuring children know school rules
  • working as a team with the school
  • working as a team with the principal and teachers
  • knowing teachers’ expectations
  • explaining and supporting civil laws and their consequences
  • choosing a caring community with healthy values
  • coaching or participating with other people’s children

Consider putting into action one or two of the ideas listed above.  You will help develop your children’s resilience. Just watch their capacity to cope with challenge increase along with their sense of confidence!

Note: The primary source of the above information is the work of Dr. Wayne Hammond of Resiliency Initiatives.

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The Myths of Happiness book

The Myths of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky – Book Summary

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The Myths of Happiness bookThe Myths of Happiness

This blog is a book summary of The Myths of Happiness.

Wow! Oh, wow! I was impressed with psychologist and associate editor of the Journal of Positive Psychology, Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book, The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, but Doesn’t, What Shouldn’t Make You Happy, but Does. I felt stunned by the depth to which Lyubomirsky uses research findings to challenge our biases, fallacies, assumptions, and misconceptions.

The Myths of Happiness Overview

In a culture that tends to be addicted to the idea of continual happiness and avoidance of uncomfortable feelings, Lyubomirsky gives us a healthy dose of wake up to the facts! She gives structure to myriad happiness myths by focusing on several significant adult events she refers to as crisis points.

Basic Concepts

Success and Struggle
We humans tend to believe that our accomplishments and successes will create happily-ever after happiness, while believing hardships, failures, and disappointments will create forever misery. But overcoming struggles prepares us for inevitable big and small future challenges.

Polarities
Uncomfortable emotions such as grief, sadness and the events that often caused them are interwoven with our joys and pleasures. There’s an old expression, “What I thought was the worst thing that happened to me turned out to be the best.” I recall feeling devastated when I was laid off from my family counselling position only to find a significantly more rewarding position as a facilitator of a women’s career readiness program.

Transitions
Our happiness myths can sway critical decisions about our next steps, often with significantly disappointing results.

Life is Complicated
Life includes moments of joy, success, failure, loss, pain, and often confusion. Yet science, self-awareness, and contemplation can help us make sense of our lives.

Predicting Our Happiness is Difficult
We tend to poorly predict which decisions will generate happiness and satisfaction. For example, before having a baby it is difficult to imagine the sleepless nights and the smell of diapers. Our experience of distress is difficult to foresee.

Also, something called psychological immune system often kicks in when we experience setbacks. We often unconsciously and habitually demonstrate resilience and minimize troubles, even turning them into meaningful learning.

Hedonic Adaptation
Hedonic adaptation means we tend to adjust to the good stuff–a new job, a promotion, a new love, or home.  Since we are wired for novelty, after a certain period, excitement, and pleasure wear thin. Therefore, Positive Psychology research suggests that we should savour our positive experiences while seeking to understand our distressing experiences.

Avoid Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink
It is better to give significant life decisions reasoned, sound consideration rather than only operate from instinctual gut feelings. Lyubomirsky wrote, “My approach is, ‘Think, don’t blink.’” That is just what The Myths of Happiness invites us to do; to consider what research has discovered on our behalf.

We are invited to challenge our happiness myths, confront our inaccurate beliefs, and prepare our minds for a clearer view of reality. A first step is to ponder the myths described in the chapter titles and the corresponding quotations.

Sonja Lyubomirsky Quotes

Ch 1: I’ll Be Happy When . . . I’m Married to The Right Person

  1. “Novelty in relationships is like a drug . . . the beginnings of relationships hold a million surprises.”
  2. “The decline of passionate love — like growing up or growing old — is simply part of being human.”
  3. “The importance of touch is undeniable, yet it is remarkably undervalued.”
  4. “Flourishing relationships have been revealed to be those in which the couple responds actively and constructively — that is, with interest and delight — to each other’s windfalls and successes.”
  5. “In sum appreciating, validating, and capitalizing on our partner’s good news is an effective strategy to bolster our relationship and thereby to intensify the pleasure and satisfaction we obtain from it — in short to preclude hedonic adaptation.”

Ch 2: I Can’t Be Happy When . . . My Relationship Has Fallen Apart

  1. “True forgiveness has been found to reduce grievances, minimize intrusive negative, angry, or depressive thoughts, bolster optimistic thinking, foster contentment with life, promote commitment and satisfaction in a marriage, improve physical health, and even boost productivity at work.”
  2. “But if all the signs indicate that your partner feels no remorse and will misbehave again, then forgiving will not be the divine thing to do.”
  3. “After divorce, you will cope and grow.”
  4. “Children do better when able (via divorce) to escape their parents’ fighting, screaming, and the pressure to take sides.”
  5. “Before making any pivotal decision, you need to consider how much of your marital unhappiness is due to you, how much of it is due to your spouse, how much of it is due to dynamics within your marriage, and how much of it is due to circumstances beyond your control.”

Ch 3: I’ll Be Happy When… I Have Kids

  1. “Having children is costly, exhausting, stressful, and emotionally draining.”
  2. “Marital satisfaction soars after the last child leaves the home.”
  3. “Daily hassles will make you unhappier than major traumas.”
  4. “Putting our emotional upheavals into words helps us make sense of them, accommodate to them and begin to move past them.”

Ch 4: I Can’t be Happy When . . . I Don’t Have a Partner

  1. “Married women spend less time alone than their unmarried peers and more time having sex, but they also spend less time with friends, less time reading or watching TV, and more time doing chores, preparing food, and tending to children.”
  2. “Newlyweds derive a happiness boost from getting married that lasts an average of about two years.”
  3. “The happiness myth that you can only be happy with a partner is as powerful as it is wrong.”

Ch 5: I’ll Be Happy When . . . I Find the Right Job

  1. “Two thirds of the benefits of a raise in income are erased after just one year.”
  2. “As we obtain less and less pleasure from our new position, another critical thing occurs — our expectations rise.”
  3. “Make occasional visits to your friends’, acquaintances’, or former colleagues’ places of business and unobtrusively compare them to yours.”
  4. “Keep a gratitude journal — a list in your head, on paper, or in your smartphone — that regularly helps you contemplate the positive aspects of your job.”
  5. “When it comes to our performance and specific accomplishments at work, we should always aim high.”
  6. “When we ask ourselves the question, ‘How good, successful, smart, affable, prosperous, ethical am I?’ those of us who typically rely on our own internal objective standards are happiest.”
  7. “Understand that everyone becomes habituated to the novelty, excitement, and challenges of a new job or venture.”

Ch 6: I Can’t Be Happy When . . . I’m Broke

  1. “Income and happiness are indeed significantly correlated, although the relationship isn’t super strong.”
  2. “The link between money and happiness is a great deal stronger for poor people than richer ones. That is, when our basic needs for adequate food, safety, health care, and shelter aren’t met, an increase in income makes a much larger difference for us than when we are relatively comfortable. Another way to put it is that money makes us happier if it keeps us from being poor.”
  3. “Growing evidence reveals that it is experiences–not things–that make us happy.”
  4. “Spend your money on many small pleasures rather than a few big ones.”
  5. “Instead of brooding about our misfortune, we can focus on the ways that we could be happy with less and spend money right.”
  6. “Homeowners are less happy than renters.”

Ch 7: I’ll Be Happy When . . . I’m Rich

  1. “Human beings are programmed to desire, not appreciate, and to strive for more, not be content with what they have.”
  2. “The more money we have, the more we get used to it, and the more we want.”
  3. “Spend money on others, not yourself.”
  4. “Spend money to give you time.”
  5. “The key to buying happiness is not in how successful we are, but what we do with it; It’s not how high our income is, but how we allocate it.”

Ch 8: I Can’t Be Happy When . . . the Test Results Were Positive

  1. “The scientific evidence delivers three kernels of wisdom– first, that short bursts of gladness, tranquility, or delight are not trivial at all; second, that it is” frequency, not intensity, that counts; and 3rd, most of us seem not to know this.”
  2. “Take at least one step each week in the direction that helps you attain purpose in your life and secures your legacy.”

Ch 9: I Can’t Be Happy When . . . I Know I’ll Never Play Shortstop for the Yankees

  1. “Coming to terms with our regrets can also bolster our sense of humor, strengthen our compassion toward those who have suffered, and imbue us with profound gratitude.”
  2. “Stop comparing.”
  3. “We shouldn’t expect perfection – not expect always to be right and not dwell on self-blame when a choice is not ideal.
  4. “Aim for options that are good enough rather than perfect.”

Ch 10: I Can’t Be Happy When . . . the Best Years of My Life Are Over

  1. “Older people are actually happier and more satisfied with their lives than younger people.”
  2. “Knowing that our time on earth is limited, combined with the increased maturity and social skills that come with every decade, motivates us to maximize our well-being and to control our emotions more successfully.”

After many more references to research, Lyubomirsky concludes:

“Exploding the myths of happiness means that there’s no magic formula for happiness and no sure course toward misery — that nothing in life is as joy producing or as misery inducing as we think it is.”

You can probably tell that I appreciated the depth of Lyubomirsky’s writing in The Myths of Happiness, and I hope you do too!

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cover, Learned Optimism

Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman — Book Summary

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cover, Learned Optimism
In 1990, Martin Seligman released his groundbreaking book, Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. I have occasionally been accused of behaving Pollyannaish or overly optimistic, his work is of interest to me. If you have ever wondered if you lean towards optimism, which in itself is a great way to relieve stress; or if you lean towards pessimism, which is an effective way to increase stress, I encourage you to read on.

Overview:

Those with a more pessimistic attitude tend to call those with optimism naïve and out of touch with reality. Meanwhile, those with a hefty dose of optimism tend to experience their pessimistic friends as discouraging and gloomy. My favoritism may show in the following and I admit it delights me to have my bias confirmed.

Basic Concepts:

When Life Goes Badly

Seligman describes pessimism as a habit of explaining painful life happenings as permanent, all-encompassing and personal. Pessimists use words like “always” and “never.” (“I’ll never succeed. I’ll always be at the bottom of the garbage bin.”)  Their optimistic neighbor, with the mantra of, “This too shall pass,” speaks with words like “sometimes” and “recently.” (“Hey, so what? I sometimes make mistakes, but I learn from them.”) Some people find optimists a tad irritating. While pessimists tend to generalize their disappointments (“All politicians are crooked.”), optimists focus on specific incidents of displeasure (“Bill Clinton lied to us about his zipper being zipped.”).

optimism - pessimism sign

When Life Goes Merrily

The pessimistic explanation for happiness is temporary. (“Ah, it was a fluke. My competitor didn’t know what she was doing, so I got the contract.”) That’s when optimists give a permanent explanation based on their character or abilities. (“With my talent, uniqueness, flexibility and charming character, I will continue to attract clients.”) Did I mention that optimists can be a tad irritating? But so can pessimists. It is a problem when any strength or quality is taken to an extreme.

As Seligman states, “The optimistic explanatory style for good events is opposite that for bad events. The optimist believes that bad events have specific causes, while good events will enhance everything he does; the pessimist believes that bad events have universal causes and that good events are caused by specific factors.”

Internal versus External

Seligman describes how pessimists tend to internalize responsibility when circumstances are negative. (“They think they are worthless, talentless, and unlovable.” They say things like, “I’m stupid. It’s all my fault.”) Meanwhile, those with optimism tend to blame other people or circumstances outside themselves. (“They are so stupid; they don’t know a good thing when they see it.”)

The danger of extreme optimism is the tendency to avoid responsibility for one’s part in an unsuccessful event. Interestingly, in this facet of human behavior, I tend to think and act pessimistically by accepting more responsibility for an event than is warranted. To pessimistically take on inappropriate responsibility in the extreme is a sure formula for depression.

If given the chance, Seligman and I would vote for optimism. Consider the following:

  • Pessimism encourages depression, therefore is associated with a weak immune system.
  • Pessimism feels down—blue, sad, worried or anxious.
  • Pessimism can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because pessimists tend not to create or face challenges, they fail more frequently—even when success is possible.

Seligman says, “The best thing one can say about a pessimist is that his fears were founded.”

  • Optimism encourages happiness, therefore is associated with vitality.
  • Optimism feels up—hopeful, confident and cheerful.

Optimism needs restraint when the cost of failure of a choice is clearly too high.  There are times we need to slow down and look at reality. A little dose of pessimism adds to being realistic.

8 Optimistic How-To’s:

  1. Realize your beliefs are just that—beliefs.  They may or may not be factual.
  2. Ask if your beliefs are useful and supportive to the kind of life you want to live.
  3. Argue with yourself. Say, “Stop!” to pessimistic self-talk and replace with some optimistic thinking. “I know enough. I do enough.”
  4. Ask, “What’s the worst that could happen? Do I have a strategy to deal with that outcome?” If not, create one.
  5. Do something for those who are less fortunate.
  6. Develop your optimism muscle by seeing the bright side. Change Bad News into Good News. “I don’t like the extra weight on my hips but now there’s more of me to love.”
  7. Count your blessings.
  8. Hope for a great today and a better tomorrow.

Martin Seligman Quotes:

  1. “Although there are clear benefits to learning optimism—there are also dangers.”
  2. “We want people to own up to the messes they make, to be responsible for their actions.  However, depressed people often take much more responsibility for bad events than is warranted.”
  3. “How you think about your problems, including depression itself, will either relieve depression or aggravate it.”
  4. “A failure or a defeat can teach you that you are now helpless, but learned helplessness will produce only momentary symptoms of depression—unless you have a pessimistic explanatory style.”
  5. “We all become momentarily helpless when we fail. We feel sad, the future looks dismal, & putting out any effort seems overwhelmingly difficult.”
  6. “If your level of pessimism can deplete your immune system, it seems likely that pessimism can impair your physical health over your whole life span.”
  7. “If the cost of failure is high, optimism is the wrong strategy.”
  8. “Learned optimism works not through an unjustifiable positivity about the world but through the power of non-negative thinking.”
  9. “Each time you face adversity listen carefully to your explanations of it. If pessimistic, actively dispute them.”

Summary:

Optimists and pessimists have been around since Noah. Was he a pessimist to believe the flood was coming; or was he an optimist to believe his idea of an ark would help all those critters? Optimists are definitely known for their action and hope.

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disconnection in couples

Repairing Painful Patterns of Disconnection in Couples

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disconnection in couplesMost of my clients seek individual therapeutic counseling to address stress, anger management, or intrusive thoughts, often stemming from childhood abuse and neglect, or generational trauma. However, I feel a special honor when couples choose to confront their relationship conflicts, disconnection, or dissatisfaction. Disconnection in couples can be repaired.

The Pattern of Disconnection in Couples

In every relationship, conflict is inevitable. How couples navigate these moments defines the health and longevity of their partnership. Often, they find themselves trapped in recurring patterns of disconnection—fighting, defending, fleeing, or disappearing.

This dance of miscommunication and misunderstanding can lead to emotional pain and a sense of hopelessness. Yet, with insight, patience, and commitment, couples can break these patterns and move towards deeper understanding, connection, and love.

I feel energized when a couple decides to do the work. My goal is to make the pattern or dance of interaction the enemy, instead of each other. I want them to team up and tackle the real problem, together. We not only identify the couple’s pattern but use the three Cs of intimate relationships—Commitment, Care, and Cherishing behaviors.

My work with couples is informed by marital experts such as: Terry Real, author of  Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, John and Julie Gottman’s research at The Gottman Institute, Esther Perel’s podcast Where Should We Begin?, and Canadian therapist Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy.

Mapping the Disconnection Pattern of Withdraw and Pursue

Let’s start by exploring the classic pattern of disconnection in couples of withdrawing and pursuing. Here are two examples.

Patricia and Les Argue Over Closeness and Distance
I know this pattern well because years ago, it was my husband’s and my conflicted pattern. I would demand and pursue emotional closeness, insisting we talk about our feelings. Les, with his introverted preference, needed time and space before connecting. I recall, one day, running from the house to the garage, chasing him and screaming, “Answer me!”

I felt disconnected, rejected, and ignored, while he felt trapped, invaded, and controlled. The more I pursued, the more he withdrew. The more he withdrew, the more I pursued until both of us were so triggered that we escalated to name-calling. Fortunately, we never reached physical violence. The verbal abuse on one another was hurtful enough.

John and Emily Argue Over Household Chores
John and Emily argue about household chores. Emily feels resentful because she believes John isn’t contributing enough, while John feels criticized.

Emily raises her voice, listing all the things she’s done around the house, and asks John why he doesn’t help more. She follows him from room to room, insisting they talk about it.

John feels attacked and overwhelmed by Emily’s accusations. He becomes silent, avoids eye contact, and eventually retreats to the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. He doesn’t want to escalate the argument, so he withdraws to calm down.

In both examples, the pursuer tries to engage or resolve the issue through increased communication, while the withdrawer retreats, often due to feeling overwhelmed or criticized. This dynamic can create a cycle where the more one partner pursues, the more the other withdraws, leading to further disconnection—unless it is addressed.

Disconnection in Couples Are Often Rooted in Childhood

The withdrawing and pursuing pattern in adult relationships often begins in childhood, particularly in cases of abuse or neglect. Here’s how these early experiences can shape the dance:

  1. Withdrawal as a Coping Strategy
  • A child raised in an emotionally neglectful environment may learn that expressing needs or emotions leads to disappointment or rejection. In adulthood, they might react to perceived rejection or criticism by withdrawing.
  • A child raised in an environment of harsh criticism or punishment may learn to suppress their feelings. In adulthood, they might withdraw during conflicts, fearing that expressing emotions will lead to criticism and punishment.
  1. Pursuing to Gain Security and Attachment
  • A child raised by inconsistent caregivers—who sometimes meet their emotional needs and other times are unavailable—may develop an anxious attachment style. They grow up constantly seeking reassurance and connection, fearing abandonment. In adulthood, this can show up as increasingly desperate attempts for attention and validation, especially when they sense disconnection.
  • If a child experiences attachment trauma, such as a caregiver being emotionally or physically unavailable during key developmental stages, they may become hypervigilant, always fearing disconnection. This can lead to pursuing behaviors where they try to engage their partner constantly, hoping to prevent a perceived threat of rejection.
  1. Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Intimacy
  • A child who has been abandoned or who has experienced inconsistent caregiving may develop a fear of being left alone. In adulthood, they may pursue their partner excessively, trying to prevent any hint of separation or abandonment.
  • Conversely, if a child experiences parental abuse, they might develop a fear of closeness. Intimacy becomes associated with pain and betrayal, leading them to withdraw from their partner when they begin to feel too close or intense. Emotional closeness may trigger memories of past hurt, prompting the person to distance themselves.
  1. Reenacting Familiar Dynamics
  • People often unconsciously recreate patterns from their childhood in adult relationships because the dance is familiar, even if it is painful. They grew up watching their parents engage in a withdraw-pursue pattern they might find themselves falling into the same cycle.

Understanding that these relationship patterns are rooted in early life experiences can be a powerful first step in healing. Effective therapy can help people explore these childhood connections and then more consciously engage with their partner.

In therapy, the individual might:

  • Explore childhood experiences and understand how they shape current behaviors.
  • Build emotional awareness enabling the safe recognition and expression of emotions, without defaulting to withdrawing or pursuing.
  • Practice secure attachment behaviors by developing trust and security in the relationship. Then breaking free from past fear-based patterns.

By addressing the underlying issues rooted in childhood, individuals can move toward healthier, more secure ways of relating in their adult relationships.

Here is a diagram of the classic pursue-withdrawal pattern:

diagram of a classic pattern of disconnection in couples

Breaking the Pattern: The Path to Repair

Awareness of childhood triggers and mapping the pattern of disconnection are first steps towards breaking the cycle. Couples are encouraged to get curious about their own individual triggers and reactions. Then they can come together to track their cycle of interaction. Once the pattern is understood it takes discipline and team work to create a brand-new rhythm of interaction. Here are some tips:

  1. Know the Source of Your Part of the Dance: Depersonalize your reaction from your partner. Acknowledge the role of childhood patterns or generational trauma by saying something like, “I realize when I yelled at you, it was like I was age-7 trying to get the attention of my father.”
  2. Describe the Circular Pattern: Have a conversation that goes something like, “It seems the more I criticize you the more you withdraw. And the more you withdraw the more I criticize you.” Try to keep your language simple and clear. Imagine a fly on the wall describing the behaviour.  Then agree on the circular interaction that gets you disconnected and into conflict.
  3. Communication: Couples can work on signaling to each other when the pattern or dance begins. Finding a simple name for the pattern is often useful. Dr. Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), refers to a couple’a pattern as The Tango. A simple warning or agreed-upon phrase can help couples recognize the pattern early and take a step back to reassess their reactions.
  4. Be the Hero: Step up in your relationship. Be the one to catch yourself entering the pattern. “Gosh darn!  I just criticized you. Enough, eh?”
  5. Express Emotions: Recognizing and expressing tender emotions without defaulting to blaming, withdrawing, or pursuing is crucial. You might say something like, “Ouch! I feel hurt.”
  6. Commitment: Both partners need to commit to and invest in the process of repairing and enhancing the relationship. This involves not just recognizing the pattern but actively taking responsibility for fueling the old dysfunctional pattern and contributing to new and healthier interactions.
  7. Cherishing: Cherishing each other’s efforts and contributions helps rebuild connection. When I acknowledge Les’ emotional availability, and he appreciates my commitment to closeness, we both contribute to a positive marriage where we feel heard and loved.
  8. Practice Clear Communication: I now let Les know when I want to have a conversation about how I feel, and he agrees. He lets me know how much space and time he needs, and I agree.
  9. Use Humor and Lightness: Catch times when you step into the pattern. Use it as an opportunity to laugh together and diffuse tension. A playful acknowledgment might sound like, “Oops, here we go!”
  10. Appreciate the Small Wins: Recognize and celebrate small moments of sharing tender emotions and truly seeking to understand one another.

Conclusion

If these steps to change disconnection in couples seem to require significant focus, discipline and commitment, you are correct. In most cases it requires an informed professional to help couples move forward. No matter, how you get there, please know it is possible. Many couples have found increase marital satisfaction and love by doing the work. As Sue Johnson wisely wrote;

“The best way to create a loving relationship is to cultivate a nurturing environment where love can grow.”

Disconnection in couples can be repaired! When couples make the pattern their enemy rather than each other, and establish new, healthier dances, they create more cherishing, caring, and love.

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