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cover, Learned Optimism

Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman — Book Summary

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cover, Learned Optimism
In 1990, Martin Seligman released his groundbreaking book, Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. I have occasionally been accused of behaving Pollyannaish or overly optimistic, his work is of interest to me. If you have ever wondered if you lean towards optimism, which in itself is a great way to relieve stress; or if you lean towards pessimism, which is an effective way to increase stress, I encourage you to read on.

Overview:

Those with a more pessimistic attitude tend to call those with optimism naïve and out of touch with reality. Meanwhile, those with a hefty dose of optimism tend to experience their pessimistic friends as discouraging and gloomy. My favoritism may show in the following and I admit it delights me to have my bias confirmed.

Basic Concepts:

When Life Goes Badly

Seligman describes pessimism as a habit of explaining painful life happenings as permanent, all-encompassing and personal. Pessimists use words like “always” and “never.” (“I’ll never succeed. I’ll always be at the bottom of the garbage bin.”)  Their optimistic neighbor, with the mantra of, “This too shall pass,” speaks with words like “sometimes” and “recently.” (“Hey, so what? I sometimes make mistakes, but I learn from them.”) Some people find optimists a tad irritating. While pessimists tend to generalize their disappointments (“All politicians are crooked.”), optimists focus on specific incidents of displeasure (“Bill Clinton lied to us about his zipper being zipped.”).

optimism - pessimism sign

When Life Goes Merrily

The pessimistic explanation for happiness is temporary. (“Ah, it was a fluke. My competitor didn’t know what she was doing, so I got the contract.”) That’s when optimists give a permanent explanation based on their character or abilities. (“With my talent, uniqueness, flexibility and charming character, I will continue to attract clients.”) Did I mention that optimists can be a tad irritating? But so can pessimists. It is a problem when any strength or quality is taken to an extreme.

As Seligman states, “The optimistic explanatory style for good events is opposite that for bad events. The optimist believes that bad events have specific causes, while good events will enhance everything he does; the pessimist believes that bad events have universal causes and that good events are caused by specific factors.”

Internal versus External

Seligman describes how pessimists tend to internalize responsibility when circumstances are negative. (“They think they are worthless, talentless, and unlovable.” They say things like, “I’m stupid. It’s all my fault.”) Meanwhile, those with optimism tend to blame other people or circumstances outside themselves. (“They are so stupid; they don’t know a good thing when they see it.”)

The danger of extreme optimism is the tendency to avoid responsibility for one’s part in an unsuccessful event. Interestingly, in this facet of human behavior, I tend to think and act pessimistically by accepting more responsibility for an event than is warranted. To pessimistically take on inappropriate responsibility in the extreme is a sure formula for depression.

If given the chance, Seligman and I would vote for optimism. Consider the following:

  • Pessimism encourages depression, therefore is associated with a weak immune system.
  • Pessimism feels down—blue, sad, worried or anxious.
  • Pessimism can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Because pessimists tend not to create or face challenges, they fail more frequently—even when success is possible.

Seligman says, “The best thing one can say about a pessimist is that his fears were founded.”

  • Optimism encourages happiness, therefore is associated with vitality.
  • Optimism feels up—hopeful, confident and cheerful.

Optimism needs restraint when the cost of failure of a choice is clearly too high.  There are times we need to slow down and look at reality. A little dose of pessimism adds to being realistic.

8 Optimistic How-To’s:

  1. Realize your beliefs are just that—beliefs.  They may or may not be factual.
  2. Ask if your beliefs are useful and supportive to the kind of life you want to live.
  3. Argue with yourself. Say, “Stop!” to pessimistic self-talk and replace with some optimistic thinking. “I know enough. I do enough.”
  4. Ask, “What’s the worst that could happen? Do I have a strategy to deal with that outcome?” If not, create one.
  5. Do something for those who are less fortunate.
  6. Develop your optimism muscle by seeing the bright side. Change Bad News into Good News. “I don’t like the extra weight on my hips but now there’s more of me to love.”
  7. Count your blessings.
  8. Hope for a great today and a better tomorrow.

Martin Seligman Quotes:

  1. “Although there are clear benefits to learning optimism—there are also dangers.”
  2. “We want people to own up to the messes they make, to be responsible for their actions.  However, depressed people often take much more responsibility for bad events than is warranted.”
  3. “How you think about your problems, including depression itself, will either relieve depression or aggravate it.”
  4. “A failure or a defeat can teach you that you are now helpless, but learned helplessness will produce only momentary symptoms of depression—unless you have a pessimistic explanatory style.”
  5. “We all become momentarily helpless when we fail. We feel sad, the future looks dismal, & putting out any effort seems overwhelmingly difficult.”
  6. “If your level of pessimism can deplete your immune system, it seems likely that pessimism can impair your physical health over your whole life span.”
  7. “If the cost of failure is high, optimism is the wrong strategy.”
  8. “Learned optimism works not through an unjustifiable positivity about the world but through the power of non-negative thinking.”
  9. “Each time you face adversity listen carefully to your explanations of it. If pessimistic, actively dispute them.”

Summary:

Optimists and pessimists have been around since Noah. Was he a pessimist to believe the flood was coming; or was he an optimist to believe his idea of an ark would help all those critters? Optimists are definitely known for their action and hope.

Please check out these related posts:

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The Resilience Road Map by Mark Black

The Resilience Road Map – Book Summary

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The Resilience Road Map by Mark Black

This blog/article is a summary of Mark Black’s book, The Resilience Road Map: 7 Guideposts for Charting Your Course in a Chaotic World.

It is a privilege to be part of Mark Black’s circle of friends. I know him to be a man of short stature, yet he holds a high standing in my eyes and within the Canadian professional speaking community. He is also well respected by the international audiences to whom he delivers his message on resilience.

The Resilience Road Map Overview

Throughout the book, Mark describes his journey of facing life-threatening events. These include spending much of his childhood in hospitals due to heart issues. As a young adult, his dreams were curtailed by the necessity of receiving a heart and double-lung transplant.

Mark enriches our reading by providing examples of resilience heroes such as Terry Fox, who averaged a marathon a day while walking across Canada with cancer to raise money. He also includes stories of Martin Luther King, the founders of Starbucks, and Helen Keller. Research lends The Resilience Road Map credibility and supports Mark’s suggested strategies and self-exploration exercises.

I view Mark’s work as a structured deep dive into the exquisite and time-tested philosophy of the Serenity Prayer. This prayer was used in 1932 by Dr. Reinhold Niebuhr of the Union Theological Seminary in New York City and was later used extensively by Alcoholics Anonymous. I suggest that we would all be wise to embrace it:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Basic Concepts

In The Resilience Road Map, Mark, provides a step-by-step action plan for strengthening resilience and putting it into action.  He prepares the reader for inevitable challenges and then offers a roadmap to deal with them.Mark’s structure is based on his seven guideposts. Here is a brief description of the seven:

7 Guideposts for Charting Your Course in a Chaotic World

  1. Acknowledgment: Denying our challenges is counterproductive. I totally agree and often say, “A problem named is fifty percent solved.”
  2. Agency: To demonstrate resilience, we must believe in our personal power, stay committed to our goals, and take charge of our lives. Mark introduces the Personal Agency Matrix, a tool that helps us understand where a challenge falls on the spectrum from “I control” to “I have influence” to “I have no control.”
  3. Acceptance: Personal power involves the choices we can make for ourselves, and we can often influence others. However, for the sake of our mental health, there are people, situations, and aspects of life that we need to accept as they are.
  4. Adaptation: Change is inevitable, and flexibility and adaptability are essential components of resilience.
  5. Aspiration: While Mark doesn’t specifically use the term “life purpose,” that’s what I thought of when I read his remarks about having a reason to sustain our efforts to move forward.
  6. Action: Resilience needs to be demonstrated by taking steps forward.
  7. Assessment: This step is often overlooked in discussions about resilience. Mark emphasizes the importance of checking whether we’re investing our time and energy in the right goals. Ask yourself,  “Am I heading in the right direction?”

The Biggest Mistake

After outlining his seven guideposts, Mark offers a valuable reminder in a section titled The Biggest Mistake. This intriguing title prompts readers to recognize the importance of human connection. We need support and community to thrive; resilience requires relationships.

Twenty-four Mark Black Quotes from The Resilience Road Map

  1. “Resilience is the ability to adapt to, thrive in, and grow through challenge and change.”
  2. “So, if resilience isn’t about “bouncing back,” what is it about? It’s about growing through challenge and change.”
  3. “Resilience is about effectively coping with our failures while enjoying life in the process.”
  4. “I’ve completed four marathons. When people learn that I’ve run 42.2 km four different times and that I’ve done so with two transplanted lungs and a transplanted heart, they’re amazed.”
  5. “I believe resilience will be the single most important and valuable skill set of the next century. What skilled trades were to the early twentieth century, and what knowledge and information were to the last two decades, resilience will be for the next quarter-century.”
  6. “We have significant influence over what happens to us and should do whatever we can to give ourselves and those we care about the best opportunity to succeed. However, the reality is that there are still many parts of our work and personal lives over which we have no control.”
  7. “To be resilient, we must learn to let go of what we can’t control so that we have the resources at our disposal to control the things we can.”
  8. “Typically, the most resilient people are those who execute small, consistent efforts over a long period of time.”
  9. “. . . it’s so important to periodically take the time to assess where we are and where we’re going.”
  10. “If we want to build our resilience capacity, facing adversity is non-negotiable. We can’t learn to swim by learning about swimming, watching swimming videos, or reading about swimming techniques.”
  11. “Resilient people know the shortest route to getting through a challenge is walking straight through it. They don’t shy away from obstacles and uncomfortable situations, because they know they’ll eventually be forced to face them and prolonging the time until they do will likely make things worse.”
  12. “By acknowledging reality, you take an active role in your own growth and development and can work to create better results.”
  13. “By shining a light on our challenges we can reduce or even eliminate our fears and prepare ourselves to deal with them.”
  14. “One of my favourite quotes comes from author and coach Marie Forleo who said, Everything is figureoutable.”
  15. “Agency . . . it’s simply the word I use to describe your confidence in your ability to cope with whatever the world throws at you.”
  16. “Unless and until you are able to accept the things you cannot change, you will never be able to move forward.”
  17. “Everything that affects our lives falls into one of three categories: something we control; something we influence; or something we have no control over at all.”
  18. “When you shorten the gap between oh no and now what? you will have more time and energy to direct at solving the challenges you face.”
  19. “To adapt well requires trying new strategies. Some of those strategies will almost certainly fail. Learn to see this as part of the process.”
  20. “We all need a clear and compelling aspiration. Not just because we want to succeed or be productive but because, at a fundamental psychological level, we need one to survive.”
  21. “Get clear on why you want what you want. Having a why that matters deeply to you will fuel your efforts until you reach your goal.”
  22. “Small and consistent action over time will create results. Most people fail to realize their goals simply because they lack the consistency of continued effort and the patience to see the results.”
  23. “To be great at making the right adjustment at the right time, you have to be willing to accept the possibility that your current course of action may not be right.”
  24. “We all need each other. We need connections. We need support. Even the strongest and most independent person you know needs at least one other person they can rely on. You can’t be resilient without it.”

If you access a copy of The Resilience Road Map, please consider swinging back and sharing your favorite Mark Black quote, an exercise that helped build your resilience, or any aspect that inspired or helped you.

Please check out these related posts:

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Monkey image provides metaphors for negative self-talk and the need for positive self-talk

Using Metaphors to Transform Your Negative Self-Talk

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Monkey image provides metaphors for negative self-talk and the need for positive self-talk
Avoid Monkey Mind

Introduction

Many professional speakers will proclaim we have sixty thousand thoughts a day and for the average person, two-thirds of them consist of negative self-talk. Before we launch into how metaphors can help increase positive self-talk and just for the record, let’s clarify these claims.  In 2020, Queen’s Gazette published this finding:

Researchers at Queen’s University have established a method that, for the first time, can detect indirectly when one thought ends and another begins. Dr. Jordan Poppenk (Psychology) and his master’s student, Julie Tseng, devised a way to isolate “thought worms,” consisting of consecutive moments when a person is focused on the same idea. . .heir thought measures can predict aspects of a person’s personality, and they estimate that the average person has about 6,200 thoughts per day.”

Back in 2005, a positive psychology research team, led by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson found on average, people have more negative thoughts than positive ones. This phenomenon is often referred to as the negativity bias. However some negative thoughts are realistic and help guard us against problems. They can keep us emotionally, socially and physically safe.  After all, we have no control over many of the events that occur around us. Many of those events can destroy what is important to us. Floods, fires, accidents cause stress and loss happen.

The Negative Effects of Negative Self-Talk

But then, we can have many negative thoughts that create unnecessary mental and nervous system distress. An overdose of negativity can result in challenging our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Here are five significant and harmful consequences of negative self-talk:

  1. Decreased self-esteem, self-worth, and confidence.
  2. Increased anxiety and stress: Too much self-criticism or worry about perceived shortcomings creates distress.
  3. Impaired mental health: Persistent negative self-talk can develop into mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and low mood.
  4. Limiting beliefs and behaviors: Self-imposed limitations and a reluctance to pursue goals or take risks can cast a shadow on our life.
  5. Physical health impacts: Research suggests that chronic negative self-talk may have physical health consequences, such as weakened immune function, increased risk of cardiovascular problems, and exacerbated pain perception.

However, we are not helpless over our thoughts. We can challenge stinking thinking and focus on boosting our well-being. We can catch our negative self-talk and deliberately create positive self-talk—some might say using the power of positive thinking.

In my book, “From Woe to WOW: How Resilient Women Succeed at Work,” I refer to nine survey respondents who identified affirming self-talk as their resilience-strengthening strategy. One wrote, “I talk in my brain. ‘I can handle this. Stay calm.’”

The bottom line is our self-worth relies on affirming messages. It is up to us to not only receive but also accept, internalize, and focus on life-affirming messages. It’s an inside job! Here’s where powerful metaphors can be used to tackle our negative self-talk.

Negative Self-Talk Metaphors

Tame Your Monkey Mind

The Buddhists refer to our negative self-talk as monkey mind. It is as if our minds become cluttered with nasty chitter chatter. Our head fills with a drunken and giddy monkey. That monkey mind beats our self-esteem black and blue. But we can take that metaphorical wild monkey and put a collar on it. We can contain it; contain our thoughts and soothe it to calm. See your monkey-self as lovable, capable and resilient.

Use Thoughts to Create Hell or Heaven

John Milton said, “The mind is its own place, and can make a heaven of hell and a hell of heaven.” Notice if your thoughts are filled with hellish words such as suffering, torment, wretchedness, torment, or anguish. Or are your thoughts filled with heavenly words such as grateful, blessings, bliss, joy, happiness, or harmony?

Catch Your Negative Self-Talk Gremlins

Rick Carson, the author of Taming Your Gremlin, describes negative self-talk as originating from a Gremlin. These internal, nasty, little, creatures natter away beating up our psyche. Carson gives direction on how to develop positive self0-talk.

Freshen Your Stinking Thinking

Our negative thoughts can start to pile up and smell like a manure pile. It ferments without fertilizing anything. Unless we stick a pitchfork into our stinky pile and pitch the poop for a fresh perspective, the stinking thinking will build. Start digging!

Weed Your Thought Garden

Consider, thoughts are like seeds that get planted in our mind. Once a negative self-talk or thought is planted, we can decide to water it or not. If our thoughts are like weeds they take up precious space and push out our positive thoughts. It was our eldest daughter, Kelly, who said something like, “We are not responsible for our initial thoughts. But we are responsible for how long we entertain them or whether we act on them.” Pay attention to what thoughts you are fertilizing and helping grow. Weed out the stifling thoughts.

Feed the Right Wolf

The power of focusing thoughts is poignantly described in the North America aboriginal legend, Two Wolves.

An old Cherokee Grandfather was approached by his grandson. The young boy felt angry with a friend who had done him an injustice.

The grandfather began, “Let me tell you a story. I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do. But hate wears you down and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times.”

He continued, “It is as if there are two wolves inside me; one is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way. But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing. It is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit.”

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather’s eyes and asked, “Which one wins, Grandfather?” The grandfather smiled and quietly said, “The one I feed.”

Conclusion

Choose one of the metaphors above to become aware of and minimize your negative self-talk. Then develop a self-empowering repertoire of positive self-talk.

Please check out these related posts:

25 Affirmations to Help Reprogram Your Negative Self-Talk
How to Improve Your Self-Talk to Instil Positive Beliefs
Book Summary: Learned Optimism

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Book cover of The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor

The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor

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Book cover of The Happiness Advantage by Shawn AchorEnjoy this book summary of The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work by Harvard professor and researcher, Shawn Anchor. I read The Happiness Advantage after I attended the first World Congress of Positive Psychology in Philadelphia. Also part of my dive into  the research and findings of the Positive Psychology trend.  Viewing Achor’s  TedTalk, The Happy Secret to Better Work, was also part of my dive into the research and findings of the Positive Psychology movement. I am only one among nearly 24 million viewers of this dynamic presentation.

Overview of The Happiness Advantage

Achor challenges the I-will-be-happy-when myth.  He proposes that success, including being accepted into your dream university, being hired for your dream job, finding your dream partner, or buying your dream electronic or four-wheeled toy does not lead to your happiness.

He found that many Harvard students thought they’d be happy if and when they got into this prestigious university.  But most students’ pleasure soon waned as they put in place higher expectations for reaching success. They soon told themselves that they would be happy once they graduated with stellar grades. After graduating, the next happiness goal would be their dream job.

Basic Concepts from The Happiness Advantage

Based on Positive Psychology, Achor encourages developing a positive perspective or attitude for increased creativity, engagement, vitality, productivity…and eventually authentic happiness or what I call “basic life satisfaction.”

In a 2011 issue of Psychology Today, Achor’s article 5 Ways to Turn Happiness Into An Advantage, was published.  In it, he wrote:

Every single relationship, business and educational outcome improves when the brain is positive first. If you cultivate happiness while in the midst of your struggles, work, at school, while unemployed or single, you increase your chances of attaining all the goals you are pursuing…including happiness.”

Sean Achor Quotes:

  1. “Constantly scanning the world for the negative comes with a great cost. It undercuts our creativity, raises our stress levels, and lowers our motivation and ability to accomplish goals.”
  2. “Happiness is not the belief that we don’t need to change; it is the realization that we can.”
  3. “Perhaps the most accurate term for happiness, then, is the one Aristotle used: eudaimonia, which translates not directly to “happiness” but to “human flourishing.”
  4. “Without action, knowledge is often meaningless. As Aristotle put it, to be excellent we cannot simply think or feel excellent, we must act excellently.”
  5. “Without action, knowledge is often meaningless.”
  6. “When we encounter an unexpected challenge of threat the only way to save ourselves is to hold on tight to the people around us and not let go.”
  7. “When our brains constantly scan for and focus on the positive, we profit from three of the most important tools available to us: happiness, gratitude, and optimism.”
  8. “Focusing on the good isn’t just about overcoming our inner grump to see the glass half full. It’s about opening our minds to the ideas and opportunities that will help us be more productive, effective, and successful at work and in life.”
  9. “When we are happy—when our mindset and mood are positive—we are smarter, more motivated, and thus more successful. Happiness is the center, and success revolves around it.”
  10. “Every second of our own experience has to be measured through a relative and subjective brain. In other words, “reality” is merely our brain’s relative understanding of the world based on where and how we are observing it.”
  11. “I started to realize just how much our interpretation of reality changes our experience of that reality.”
  12. “Take just five minutes each day to watch your breath go in and out.”
  13. “. . . students who were told to think about the happiest day of their lives right before taking a standardized math test outperformed their peers. And people who expressed more positive emotions while negotiating business deals did so more efficiently and successfully than those who were more neutral or negative.”
  14. “The person we have the greatest power to change is ourselves.”

Key Practices from The Happiness Advantage

Achor proposes in The Happiness Advantage that achieving happiness requires retraining your thinking to be positive.  Brain workouts are required.  Here are Achor’s exercises for developing positivity.  Do one, two or all them for 21 days in a row.

Five Practices:

  1. Write down three new aspects of your life for which you feel grateful for each day. Positive Psychology research indicate this activity will significantly improve your even 6 months later.
  2. Spend 2 minutes a day writing a description of one positive experience you had over the past 24 hours. This exercise will help shift your thinking from task-based to meaning based; that is to scan your experiences for meaning instead of to-dos. Anchor writes, “This dramatically increases work happiness.”
  3. Exercise for 10 minutes a day. Exercise tells your brain that your behavior is important and can result in more successes through your day.
  4. Meditate for 2 minutes–observe your breath go in and out. This will help you get out of the poor habit of multitasking. Achor writes, “Research shows you get multiple tasks done faster if you do them one at a time. It also decreases Stress.”
  5. Write one, quick email first thing in the morning thanking or praising a member of your team. This significantly increases your feeling of social support, which in my study at Harvard was the largest predictor of happiness for the students.

Let me know your experience of these five practices from The Happiness Advantage. I will be sure to respond.

Please check out these related posts:

The Top 7 Habits of Light-Hearted People
Book Summary: Learned Optimism
The Keys to Boost Your Attitude of Gratitude

 

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inspiring book titles

Inspiring Book Titles for Quick Life Insights and Guidance

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inspiring book titles
What are your favorite and inspiring book titles?

Have you ever left your favorite bookstore feeling renewed and a little wiser? Or perhaps you have felt the same after visiting amazon.com and glancing through pages of books. Inspiring book titles are often all we need!

I  noticed this phenomenon when visiting a friend. I was drawn to her wall of well-read books.  I realized that the core message of most self-help and knowledge based books is in the title. A visit to our own bookshelf, library, local bookstore, or the internet can rejuvenate us. We can crack open the pages or not.

Do not misunderstand me. Reading books is a worthy activity to inspire, entertain, deepen, and educate us.  All I am suggesting is that a quick glance at a book title can remind us of a core truth, value, or virtue.

Feel inspired to make a positive mind shift or take some empowering action by reading through the titles below:

 Inspiring Book Title for Life Insights:

  1. Age Doesn’t Matter Unless You’re a Cheese, Kathryn Petras
  2. All You Can Do Is All You Can Do but All You Can Do Is Enough! A. Williams
  3. Bald is Beautiful, Peter Taylor
  4. Children are Meant to Be Seen and Heard, M. Stewart & D. Blaisdell
  5. Enthusiasm Makes the Difference, Norman Vincent Peale
  6. Family Matters, Judith Timson
  7. Feelings Buried Alive Never Die, Karol Truman
  8. Grandparents Are Made for Hugging, D. & E. Heller
  9. He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys, Greg Behrendt
  10. I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”, Brené Brown
  11. I’m OK—You’re OK, Thomas Harris
  12. It Takes A Village to Raise a Child, Hillary Clinton
  13. Kids are Still Saying the Darndest Things, Dandi Mackall
  14. Love Is Letting Go of Fear, Gerald Jampolsky
  15. Only Angels Can Wing It, The Rest of Us Have to Practice, Liz Higgs
  16. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Susan Cain
  17. Self Matters, Phillip McGraw
  18. The Impossible Just Takes a Little Longer, Art Berg
  19. The Rest of Your Life is the Best of Your Life, David Brown
  20. There is Nothing Wrong with You: Going Beyond Self-Hate,  Cheri Huber
  21. When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It’s Time to Go Home, Erma Bombeck
  22. Where Two or Three Are Gathered: Someone Spills the Milk, Tom Mullen
  23. Wise Women Don’t Have Hot Flashes, They Have Power Surges, D. Reid Wallace
  24. You Are the Solution, Mike Mooy
  25. You Can Control Your Anger, Bill Borcherdt
  26. You Can Heal Your Life, Louise Hay
  27. You Can If You Think You Can, Norman Vincent Peale
  28. You Can’t Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded), Strategies for Bringing Out the Best in Your Strong-Willed Child, Cynthia Tobia
  29. You Just Don’t Duct Tape a Baby! N. Weinberger & A. Pohn
  30. You’ll See It When You Believe It, Wayne Dyer
  31. You’re Here for a Reason, Nancy Tillman
  32. Your Boss Is Not Your Mother, Brian DesRoches
  33. Your Mind Can Drive You Crazy, James Takacs
  34. What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing,  Oprah Winfrey & Bruce Perry

Image of old, hardbound book covers

Inspiring Book Titles for Life Guidance:

  1. Awaken the Giant Within, Tony Robbins
  2. Be A Goddess! Francesca De Grandis
  3. Be Here Now, Ram Das
  4. (How to) Be Your Own Best Friend, Mildred Newman
  5. Being Single In A Couple World: How to Be Happily Single While Looking for Love, Xavier Amador
  6. Bringing Out The Best in People: How to Enjoy Helping Others Excel, Alan McGinnis
  7. Create a Life that Tickles Your Soul: Find(ing) Peace, Passion, and Purpose, Suzanne Zoglio Willis
  8. De-Clutter, De-Stress Your Life, Helen Volk
  9. Do It! Let’s Get Off Our Buts, Peter McWilliams
  10. Don’t Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others, Kelly Bryson
  11. Don’t Buy a Car Made on Monday, Vance Muse
  12. Don’t Count the Candles: Just Keep the Fire Lit! Joan Rivers
  13. Don’t Get Mad—Get Funny! Leigh Jasheway
  14. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and It’s All Small Stuff, Richard Carlson
  15. Eat Mangoes Naked: Finding Pleasure Everywhere (and dancing with the Pits), SARK
  16. Energize Your Meetings with Laughter, Sheila Feigelson
  17. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, Susan Jeffers
  18. Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being, Martin Seligman
  19. Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Mihaly Csikszentmihakji
  20. (Be) Frantic Free: 167 Ways to Calm Down and Lighten Up! (Yes, this is one of my mini-books!) Frantic Free: 67 Ways to Calm Down and Lighten Up
  21. Give and Take, Adam Grant
  22. If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him, Sheldon Kopp
  23. Journaling from the Heart, Eldonna Bouton
  24. Just Be Honest, Steven Gaffney
  25. Keep Your Brain Alive: 83 Neurobic Exercises to Help Prevent Memory Loss and Increase Mental Fitness, Lawrence Katz
  26. Laugh Your Way to Health, Terry Fry
  27. The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About, Mel Robbins
  28. Life is Short—Wear Your Party Pants, Loretta Laroche
  29. Love Her As She Is: Lessons from a Daughter Stolen by Addictions (Yes, this is the first book I wrote)
  30. Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It, Kamal Ravikant
  31. Move Your Body, Tone Your Mood, Kate Hays
  32. My Journey to Live From the Inside Out, Shawn Elizabeth George
  33. Never Say Never: (10 Lessons to) Turn Your I Can’t Into Yes I Can, Phyllis George
  34. Relax – You May Only Have A Few Minutes Left, Loretta LarocheReturn to Center: Simple Strategies to Navigate Distress, Depression and Disconnection cover
  35. Return to Center: Simple Strategies to Navigate Distress, Depression and Disconnection, Patricia Morgan
  36. (How to) Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, More Joy, and What Matters Most to You, Patti Breitman
  37. Say Yes to Change, G. & S. Cappanvelli
  38. Simplify, Joshua Becker
  39. Simplify Your Life: 100 Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy the Things That Really Matter, Elaine James
  40. Slowing Down to the Speed of Life: (How to) Create A More Peaceful, Simpler Life from the Inside Out, Richard Carlson
  41. Talk Sexy to the One You Love, Barbara Keesling
  42. Think Like a Winner, Walter Doyle
  43. Whatever Arises, Love That: A Love Revolution that Begins with You, Matt Kahn
  44. Write It Down, Make It Happen: Knowing What You Want—and Getting It, Henriette Klause

What are your favorite and inspiring book titles?

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Light hearted balloons for optimistic thinking

Optimistic: Think with an Upbeat Perspective

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Light hearted balloons for optimistic thinking

This is an optimistic thought! “I think I can. I know I can.”

During my research and interviews of resilient women. I came across coach, Julie Donelly. I was impressed with her optimistic perspective. Optimism is a mindset characterized by a hopeful and positive outlook on life, even in the face of challenges and setbacks.

Julie innately knew the benefits of optimism which researchers such as Martin Seligman affirm.

Benefits of Optimism

  1. Improved Mental Health: Optimistic individuals tend to experience lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. They are better equipped to cope with life’s difficulties and bounce back from setbacks, which contributes to better mental health.
  2. Enhanced Resilience: Optimism is closely tied to resilience. When you believe that setbacks are temporary and that you can learn and grow from them, you are more likely to persevere through difficult times. This resilience can lead to greater long-term happiness.
  3. Positive Relationships: Optimistic individuals often have more positive and supportive relationships. Their positive outlook can be infectious, making them more enjoyable to be around and improving their social connections.
  4. Improved Physical Health: Optimism is associated with better physical health and longevity. People who maintain a positive outlook are more likely to engage in healthy behaviors and take better care of themselves.
  5. Increased Goal Achievement: Optimists tend to set and pursue more ambitious goals. Their belief in their ability to achieve these goals can drive them to work harder and persist longer, ultimately leading to greater success and satisfaction.
  6. Greater Satisfaction: Optimistic individuals often report higher life satisfaction and overall well-being. They tend to focus on the positive aspects of their lives and find joy in everyday experiences.
  7. Reduced Rumination: Optimists are less likely to dwell on negative thoughts and ruminate about past mistakes. This can free up mental space for positive and productive thinking, leading to increased happiness.
  8. Stress Management: Optimism can act as a buffer against the harmful effects of stress. When you approach stressful situations with a positive mindset, you are less likely to experience the negative health effects associated with chronic stress.
  9. Increased Creativity: Optimistic individuals tend to be more creative and open to new ideas. This can lead to a more fulfilling and innovative life.

Dr. Martin Seligman’s findings on an optimistic perspective are described in his book, Learned Optimism.

To help your optimism, I share Julie’s tips for developing optimism and an expectancy of good.

10 Tips to Increase Optimistic Thinking

  1. Move like an optimist! It is impossible to feel depressed while you smile, briskly walk, or dance to happy music. The majority of songs are about unhappy topics. Throw them away so you don’t brainwash yourself into feeling sad. Sing and dance to happy songs.
  2. Self-talk can hurt or uplift you. You can look in the mirror and recite a long list of negative descriptions or you can look in the mirror and speak kindly. Think of how you would treat someone you care about and then treat yourself in that way.
  3. Visualize your negative-thought gremlins. See yourself swooping them up in a canvas bag. Tie them up with mental ropes and fling those gremlins deep into the ocean. Then take a deep breath and feel free.
  4. When you first wake spend five minutes thinking about your blessings. Say them out loud. Feel grateful for the sun rising, your good health, a comfy mattress, and a pillow or the roof over your head. It doesn’t matter what you are grateful for, it only matters that you are grateful. Dig deep and find five minutes worth of gratefulness each morning.
  5. Write out these questions and tape them on the bathroom mirror. At least put them someplace you’ll see them first thing in the morning. Ask yourself: “What could possibly happen today that will be better than what happened yesterday?” “What will I learn today that will help me grow in the direction of my goals?” These questions presuppose that something will happen to lead you the way you want to go.
  6. Write a list of your life goals. You deserve to have a plan and not have life happen to you. Look for one of the dozens of books or teachers who show you effective ways to figure out your goals.
  7. List everything you have accomplished from learning how to ride a bike to earning a degree. Place it somewhere convenient so you can easily add to the list. The more the better! This list can be a life-long project.
  8. Consider the influence of your friends and with whom you spend the most time. If people typically feel upbeat, they will lift you; if they typically feel angry or depressed, they will drag you down.
  9. Read uplifting books such as Jack Canfield’s The Success Principles and actually do the suggested activities.
  10. Look deep into a mirror. See your spirit. Say to yourself; “You are not a human being having a spiritual experience. You are a spiritual being having a human experience.”

Do Julie proud and develop your optimistic thinking!

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positive thinking gone wrong

Positive Thinking: Did You Know It Can Go Sideways?

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positive thinking gone wrong

Positive Thinking Can Go SideWays

Positive Thinking! Rah! Rah! I was blown away when I attended a pricey event led by well-known motivational speaker, Tony Robbins. I had long admired his books including, Unlimited Power: The New Science of Personal Achievement. I imagined the experience of charging my positive mindset might deepen my work in strengthening emotional resilience. And after all, Oprah Winfrey had attended one of his seminars so his work must be amazing. Just to clarity, the event I attended did not include Robbins’ famous fire-walk. That probably cost big-time positive thinking bucks!

There was a palatable hype in the room—several hundred people yelling, jumping and hugging to the rhythm of deafening music.  “Raise your hand and say, Aye! Come on guys!  Say it!”

Some of my thoughts:

  • He is amazing! He is inspiring!
  • How comfortable do I feel hugging people I do not know?
  • One in six females has experienced some kind of sexual assault.  Shouldn’t we be asking people for permission to hug, first?
  • But most people probably had some sense of what to expect.
  • Dale Carnegie, positive thinking pioneer and author of How to Win Friends and Influence People, would be proud.
  • Wow! Robbins’ positive lingo sounds aggressive.

Bright-sided Challenges Positive Thinking

Then on a recent road trip I read Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thoughts Has Undermined America by humanitarian, Barbara Ehrenreich.  She gave context and substance to my stirring scepticism.

Positive Psychology, optimism and positivity have given the world a welcome breath of fresh air. But continual focus on the bright side can end up, as Ehrenreich points out, supporting narcissism, denial of problems, and the loss of compassion for those less fortunate. Some of those who are less upbeat can even be accused as being poor influences because their faces show stress, sadness or, heaven forbid, anger. Here are some Ehrenreich thoughts:

  • Realism—to the point of defensive pessimism—is a prerequisite not only for human survival but for all animal species.  
  • We need to brace ourselves for struggle against terrifying obstacles, both of our own making, and imposed by the natural world. The first step is to recover from the mass delusion that is positive thinking.
  • (Quoting motivation speaker, Jeffrey Gitomer) GET RID OF NEGATIVE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE! . . . They waste your time and bring you down. (Ehrenreich counters with) The challenge of family life, or group life of any kind, is to keep gauging the moods of others, accommodating to their insights, and offering comfort when needed.
  • In the world of positive thinking, other people are not there to be nurtured or to provide unwelcome reality checks. They are there only to nourish, praise, and affirm … There seems to be a massive empathy deficit, which people respond to by withdrawing their own.

More Research on the Dangers of Over-doing Positive Thinking

While positivity and optimism can have many benefits for mental and emotional well-being, overdoing or excessive positivity can potentially have negative consequences.

  1. Suppression of Distressing Emotions:
    • Research suggests that an excessive focus on positivity can lead individuals to suppress or deny their uncomfortable emotions. This emotional suppression can result in emotional distress and psychological discomfort.
    • Source: “Emotion Regulation: Conceptual and Practical Issues” by Adrian Wells.
  2. Inauthenticity and Disconnection:
    • Overemphasis on positivity may lead individuals to present a facade of constant happiness, which can make them feel inauthentic and disconnected from their true emotions and from others.
    • Source: “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown and studies on authenticity.
  3. Unrealistic Expectations:
    • Unrealistic expectations of constant positivity can set individuals up for disappointment and frustration when faced with normal life challenges and setbacks.
    • Source: Research on positive psychology and resilience.
  4. Avoidance of Problems:
    • Excessive positivity can lead individuals to avoid addressing real problems or seeking necessary solutions because they want to maintain a positive façade.
  5. Negative Impact on Relationships:
    • Overly positive individuals may struggle in relationships when they fail to acknowledge and address issues, leading to misunderstandings and unresolved conflicts
  6. Bypassing Grief and Trauma:
    • Overemphasis on positivity can lead individuals to avoid processing and healing from grief and trauma, which may have long-term negative effects on mental health.
  7. Unrealistic Self-Perception:
    • Constantly striving for positivity can distort one’s self-perception, as individuals may feel pressured to maintain a facade of unwavering positivity even when they are not genuinely feeling that way.
    • Source: “Self-Esteem” by Morris Rosenberg and research on self-concept.
  8. Cultural and Societal Pressures:
    • Societal and cultural pressures to be positive all the time can contribute to stress and feelings of inadequacy, as individuals may feel compelled to conform to unrealistic standards.

It’s important to note that the harm of overdoing positivity may vary from person to person and depend on individual personality traits, cultural context, and life circumstances. Striking a balance between acknowledging and processing uncomfortable emotions and fostering positivity is often considered a healthier approach to emotional well-being.

However, research also supports aspects of positivity such as gratitude, contentment, and self-compassion can improve our mood and health. Yet it is worth considering if we have put ourselves at risk for financial, friendship, and caring bankruptcy by thinking in the positive to an extreme.

So, avoid getting carried away with insisting on an environment with only positive thinking. Make space for flaws, raw feelings, and the human condition. What do you think?

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Flourish by Martin Seligman

Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding . . . Book Summary

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Flourish by Martin Seligman

Book Summary of Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being,

My favorite Positive Psychology book is Flourish by Dr. Martin Seligman. For many years I have been a fan of Seligman, a psychologist and founder of Positive Psychology. I was thrilled in 2009 to attend the first World Congress on Positive Psychology in Philadelphia. Yes, I met him, shook his hand, and even asked him to read and endorse one of my books. That didn’t pan out, but I remain a student of his work.

This Flourish book summary is a testament to my appreciation.  I have have also read his books  Learned Optimism, What You Can Change and What You Can’t, and Authentic Happiness. When Seligman released Flourish, I asked, “What more did he have to say?” The answer was plenty! Seligman is a researcher, questioner, and thinker. I appreciate that he is willing to re-think his research findings, theories, and positioning.

Overview of Flourish

First, Seligman explains that he was never satisfied with the perception that was created by focusing on the word happiness in his popular book, Authentic Happiness. He has shifted his focus from the state of happiness to emphasize the importance of flourishing and well-being. In Flourish Seligman presents the acronym PERMA.

P – Positive Emotions – feeling love, joy, and pleasure.

E – Engagement–being in flow and focused on our activities.

R – Relationships – having healthy, supportive, and rewarding connections with others.

M – Meaning – giving significance to the events in our lives.

A – Accomplishments – attaining goals that support our core values.

Basic Concepts of Flourish

Seligman explores the concepts of self-esteem, optimism, vitality, self-determination and my main interest, resilience. Within the topic of resilience, he describes a process for mental toughness, as well as the elements of Post Traumatic Growth, a most unusual but powerful concept.

Seligman describes the positivity research findings of his colleague, Barbara Fredrickson. She discovered: “Companies with better than a 2.9 ratio for positive to negative statements are flourishing.”  He also refers to marriage expert, John Gottman, who discovered that couples who use a ratio of five positive comments to one negative were in healthy and long-lasting relationships.

Seligman includes the effective use of his VIA Character Strengths. Anyone and everyone can take Seligman’s FREE 240 question VIA Character Strengths inventory.

Included in the test are many quick lists and quizzes including checking your physical, emotional, social, and spiritual fitness.

Sprinkled throughout the book are exercises to develop and strengthen well-being.   They include:

  1. Kindness: Do one unexpected act of kindness such as paying for someone’s parking meter and then notice how you feel.
  2. Gratitude Visit: After writing a letter of gratitude to someone who has done something significant for you, deliver it to read it face-to-face.
  3. Three Blessings: Before going to bed each night for a week write down three experiences that happened that day that went well.
  4. Forgiveness Letter:  Write a letter delving into how you were wounded and your related feelings, ending with a commitment to forgive.
  5. Optimism:  List three doors that were closed (losses) and then list what doors opened.

Here is a 2.56 minute video clip describing the book, Flourish:

10 Martin Seligman Quotes

  1. “I don’t mind being wrong, and I don’t mind changing my mind.”
  2. “When we take time to notice the things that go right – it means we’re getting a lot of little rewards throughout the day.”
  3. “We think too much about what goes wrong and not enough about what goes right in our lives.  Of course, sometimes it makes sense to analyze bad events so that we can learn from them and avoid them in the future.  However, people tend to spend more time thinking about what is bad in life than is helpful.  Worse, this focus on negative events sets up for anxiety and depression. One way to keep this from happening is to get better at thinking about and savoring what went well.”
  4. “The more friends and the more love in your life, the less illness.”
  5. “If we just wanted positive emotions, our species would have died out a long time ago.”
  6. “Merciless criticism often makes us dig in our heels in defense, or worse, makes us helpless. We don’t change. We do change, however, when we discover what is best about ourselves and when we see specific ways to use our strengths more.”
  7. “Optimists take action and have healthier lifestyles. Optimists believe that their actions matter, whereas pessimists believe they are helpless and nothing they do will matter. Optimists try, while pessimists lapse into passive helplessness.”
  8. “There are some things we care about instinctively: water, food, shelter, sex.  But most of what we care about is learned.”
  9. if you feel gratitude, it means you think that someone has just demonstrated that he or she cares about you as a person and will be there for you in the future. Gratitude marks opportunities to solidify relationships with people who seem to care.
  10. “A calling . . .  is done for its own sake. You would do it anyway, with no pay and no promotions. “Try to stop me!” is what your heart cries when you are thwarted.”

Summary:

In this work, Seligman covers a lot of territories describing the use of Positive Psychology to enhance people’s lives within marriage, education, corporations, and the armed services. His research and process help us flourish, build resilience, and achieve a state of well-being.

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Quote from Change Your Brain, Change Your Life: ...Thoughts are real, and they have a real impact on how you feel and how you behave.

Change Your Brain Change Your Life – Book Summary

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Quote from Change Your Brain, Change Your Life: ...Thoughts are real, and they have a real impact on how you feel and how you behave.Endless numbers of books exist telling us how to care for our bodies and emotions, often with a focus on healing and a challenge to make ourselves more resilient and stress hardy. Spirituality is also a hot topic with popular authors such as Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra and Shakti Gwain.  Daniel Amen, author of Change Your Brain Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Lack of Focus, Anger, and Memory Problems, presents another point of view.

Amen has amassed neuroscientific research in an effort to convince us that in order to positively change our lives, we need to care about our brains and mental capacity, especially getting the negative stuff out!

Overview of Change Your Brain Change Your Life

Amen explains that thoughts really do matter. “When you have a thought your brain releases chemicals, an electrical transmission goes across your brain. You become aware of what you’re thinking. Thoughts are real, and they have a real impact on how you feel and how you behave.”

He warns about problematic thoughts–thinking in terms of always, never, should, must and have to, as well as blaming, guilt, personalizing, and mind-reading tendencies. Like the book Taming your Gremlins by Richard David Carson, Amen recommends catching your harmful thoughts, writing them down and talking back to them. In other words, stand up to your crap talk!

In agreement with Les Hewitt, contributing author in The Power of Focus, Amen is a proponent of teaching the brain to focus on goals. “Developing an ability to stay totally focused will help guide your thoughts and behavior and give an ‘auxiliary prefrontal cortex.’ It will help strengthen the conscious part of your brain.”

He recommends developing a list of short and long term goals as well as establishing goals for relationships, work or career, money, and balance of body, mind and spirit.

Basic Concepts

For those of us with a pragmatic bent, Amen offers a list of Brain Do’s and Don’ts. The following is a sampling so you might start to sharpen your razor edge thinking.

Brain Do’s

  1. Drink water to stay hydrated, the usual 8 glasses a day.
  2. Eat healthy foods.
  3. Think positive thoughts. Martin Seligman, of Learned Optimism  would approve.
  4. Watch the movie Pollyanna.
  5. Learn to breathe deeply.
  6. Learn something new each day.
  7. Use an EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapist to deal with trauma. Just so you know, I am a certified EMDR therapist.
  8. Consider underlying brain problems in substance abusers.
  9. Sing and hum.
  10. Smile frequently at others.

Brain Don’ts

  1. Ignore erratic behavior.
  2. Skip meals or miss eating nutritious foods.
  3. Skip work-outs/exercise time.
  4. Smoke or use drugs.
  5. Drink much caffeine or alcohol.
  6. Hit your head with your hand or with a soccer ball when frustrated.
  7. Argue with someone who is stuck.
  8. Listen to toxic music.
  9. Be around toxic people, places or smells.
  10. Self-medicate.
  11. Refuse to listen to the people who love you.

Quotes by Daniel Amen

  1. “Your brain is the organ of your personality, character, and intelligence and is heavily involved in making you who you are.”
  2. “18–40–60 rule. It says that when you are eighteen, you worry about what everyone think of you; when you are forty, you don’t give a damn what anyone thinks about you; and when you’re sixty, you realize no one has been thinking about you at all.”
  3. “It is brain dysfunction, in large part, that ruins our bodies and causes premature aging.”
  4. “If you are not taking good care of your brain, you are at a significantly higher risk of brain fog, memory problems, low energy, distractibility, poor decisions, obesity, heart disease, cancer, and diabetes.”
  5. “When a woman understands the uniqueness of the female brain—how to care for it, how to make the most of its strengths, how to overcome its challenges, how to fall in love with it, and ultimately, how to unleash its full power—there is no stopping her.”
  6. “Remember that your brain is involved in everything you do, every decision you make, every bite of food you take, every cigarette you smoke, every worrisome thought you have, every workout you skip, every alcoholic beverage you drink, and more.”

Summary

Love your brain by reading Change Your Brain Change Your Life and following Amen’s advice. Your mind will be more apt to help you get what you want out of life.

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Book Cover The Resilient Mind held by Patricia Morgan

The Resilient Mind: Achieve Success by Building Mental & Emotional Toughness

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Book Cover The Resilient Mind held by Patricia Morgan

The Resilient Mind

This is a book summary of The Resilient Mind: Achieve Success by Building Mental and Emotional Toughness by Brad Coulbeck.

It was at a Canadian Association of Professional Speakers (CAPS) convention that I met Brad. He is a calm, solid kind of a guy, who is a Certified Trauma Service Specialist, a hypnotherapist, and a police officer. Plus he has experience as a leader of an Emergency Response Team and commander of a Public Order Unit. Also of interest is his deployment to the Middle East as a police advisor in the West Bank.

After buying his book and getting him to sign it, I devoured his expertise, stories, philosophies and tips on strengthening a resilient mind.

Overview:

Brad has worked in the thick of one of the most stressful career paths imaginable: policing. He has developed a deep understanding of the effects of stress and the conditions of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He shares basic resiliency concepts, stress research, ways to build resilience, and examples from Israeli resiliency programs.

Surprisingly, from this tough-bodied, tough-minded guy, comes encouragement for all of us to nourish ourselves, to increase our positive thoughts, and to embrace our feelings.

Basic Concepts:

There is a difference between resilience and stress resistance. Resilience Brad states is “the ability to adapt to significant adversity and trauma, to recover quickly, to bounce back.” Stress resistant is to experience significant challenge as “Just a small blip on the screen” of life and then go on as normal.

However by using resiliency-building factors we can strengthen both our stress resistance and resilience. Plus, resilience is required to successfully manage stress and to move forward with personal awareness and growth.

Brad Coulbeck’s list of Resilience Building Factors:

I have added a brief description to each of these woe to WOW strategies:

  1. Support System: Relationships are crucial for our well-being. Humans are social beings.
  2. Health and Fitness: Yes, you need to move and get adequate rest.
  3. Body Quieting: Personal power comes from knowing how to calm your stress-reactions.
  4. Stress-Reduction Diet: Brad suggests some stress taming foods such as green tea, avocados and almonds.
  5. Sense of Humor: There’s a reason for the development of Laughter Yoga. Laughter can enhance our health.
  6. An Active Coping Style: Better managing our emotions and problems reduces stress.
  7. Optimism: Martin Seligman’s book, Learned Optimism, emphasizes the importance of this mind set.
  8. Find Meaning in Suffering: Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning tells how crucial to our survival is finding meaning.
  9. Spirituality: When we have a sense of our oneness with something bigger than ourselves, our life if given deeper meaning.
  10. Self-Confidence, Esteem and Self-Efficacy: These three states are like soldiers to combat our stress-response.
  11. Feel in Control: Avoid seeing yourself as a victim.
  12. Stress Inoculation: We need to be exposed to a certain amount of stress to build our resiliency muscle.
  13. Accept Reality: Just like the Serenity Prayer reads “accept the things I cannot change.”
  14. Flexibility: We need to weigh in with what the moment requires—more persistence or more letting go.
  15. Self-Discipline: There are times we need to access our logic and reason to make the best decision.
  16. Creativity: Curious creativity can help us solve problem, reduce our stress, and go on our merry way.
  17. Live in the Now: That’s the only time you really have.
  18. Forgiveness: If we hang onto resentment or hurt we are the ones who suffer.
  19. Love, Compassion, and Gratitude: These three states can elevate our resilience a sense of flourishing! Many of my blogs are about the power of love, self-compassion, and gratitude.
  20. Perception of Problems: When we reframe our problems as challenges or learning lessons they become less stressful.

Twelve Brad Coulbeck Quotes:

  1. “The love and care exhibited by trusted family and friends provides a foundation for resiliency.”
  2. “Start wherever you can, but get active, watch your need for rest, and reap the rewards.”
  3. “There is a need to quiet the body and the mind. Many studies on meditation show that people who meditate react better in stressful circumstances.”
  4. “People often go on diets as a tactic to lose weight, but eating healthier meals and snacks can also help build your resiliency.”
  5. “Laughing feels good, and it’s good for you. What has you stressed, frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed? What can you find right now that is funny about it?”
  6. “You must face your problems and deal with them as opposed to dodging, denying, or totally disengaging from your reality.”
  7. “The next time you are facing a difficult situation, reframe it in a more positive light, know that it won’t last forever, and have faith that you will prevail.”
  8. “Whatever meaning we choose to attach to our adversity will determine our level of suffering or peace.”
  9. “The first step to regaining control is to accept your situation, whatever it is. Then you must act on even the smallest aspect you can.”
  10. “Lean into pain: Do the thing that you are putting off. Push yourself to start the task.”
  11. “I can’t change the past, but I can decide how the past will influence the person I am now.”
  12. “You get whatever you focus on in life and focusing on gratefulness increases your capacity for dealing with stress.”

Following up on the last quotation, if you read Brad’s book you will be encouraged to focus on building both your stress resistance and resilience. You will find it a handy guide for what to do when you feel overwhelmed, discouraged, fearful, isolated, betrayed or depressed.

If you do decide to read A Resilient Mind, please consider sharing your insights here. Ok?

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resilient ladybug climbing up daisy

A List of 30 Uplifting and Optimistic Thoughts

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resilient ladybug climbing up daisy

My counselling client sat with tears in her eye. She shared her stories of feeling disrespected at work, taken for granted at home, and hearing a snide remark from a father-in-law. These may indeed have been realities but she exasperated them by her pessimistic viewpoint. She viewed her problems as permanent. “Why me?” she lamented. She wanted to desperately relieve her stress but didn’t see what she could change or control. Fortunately, we can always change our minds! We can consider adding some optimistic thoughts to our neural pathways.

Once some healing was complete my client and I began to work on strengthening her optimistic mindset.

In 1990, the founder of Positive Psychology, Martin Seligman, released his groundbreaking book, Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life. In it he describes the indicators and benefits of optimistic thinking. He also describes indicators and problems with predominately pessimistic thinking.

The Importance of Optimistic Thoughts

Optimism plays a crucial role in various aspects of our lives, ranging from personal well-being to societal progress. Here are some key points highlighting the importance of optimism:

  1. Emotional Well-being: Optimism is linked to improved mental health and well-being. Individuals who maintain an optimistic outlook tend to experience lower levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. This positive mindset can contribute to better overall emotional resilience.
  2. Physical Health: Studies have suggested that optimistic individuals may have a reduced risk of chronic diseases and a longer lifespan. Optimism is associated with healthier behaviors, such as engaging in regular physical activity, eating well, and adhering to medical recommendations.
  3. Coping and Resilience: Optimistic people often demonstrate greater resilience when facing challenges and setbacks. They are more likely to approach difficulties with a problem-solving attitude and maintain the belief that they can overcome obstacles, leading to better adaptation and recovery.
  4. Enhanced Relationships: Optimism can improve interpersonal relationships. Optimistic individuals tend to be more approachable, supportive, and empathetic, fostering positive connections with others. Their positive attitude can create a harmonious environment and strengthen social bonds.
  5. Motivation and Achievement: Optimism is closely related to motivation and goal achievement. People who believe in their ability to succeed are more likely to set ambitious goals, persist in the face of setbacks, and ultimately achieve higher levels of success.
  6. Creativity and Innovation: An optimistic mindset encourages innovative thinking. When individuals believe that positive outcomes are possible, they are more likely to explore new ideas, take calculated risks, and find creative solutions to problems.
  7. Leadership and Influence: Optimistic leaders are often more inspiring and influential. Their positive outlook can motivate teams, boost morale, and foster a sense of shared purpose, leading to increased productivity and a positive work environment.
  8. Societal Progress: Optimism can drive positive change on a larger scale. Societies that believe in the potential for progress are more likely to invest in education, research, and innovation, leading to advancements in technology, medicine, and social well-being.
  9. Mental Attitude: Optimism shapes our perception of the world. It allows us to focus on opportunities rather than dwelling on challenges, leading to a more fulfilling and meaningful life experience.
  10. Personal Growth: Embracing optimism encourages continuous personal growth and development. Individuals are more likely to learn from failures, seek new experiences, and evolve as individuals when they maintain a positive outlook.

It’s important to note that while optimism has numerous benefits, it’s not about denying reality or ignoring challenges. Instead, it involves acknowledging difficulties while maintaining the belief that positive outcomes are attainable. Cultivating an optimistic mindset can have far-reaching positive effects on our lives.

Here are some optimistic thoughts to implant in your belief system.

30 Optimistic Thoughts

  1. When people speak they talk through their lens of beliefs. I can agree or disagree with them.
  2. During conflicted situations I can choose to stay calm, say nothing, agree, disagree, debate, negotiate, give in or walk away.
  3. I matter. There is no one else in the world exactly like me. We are all unique. I value, love and celebrate how I am unique.
  4. We are all doing the best we can. . . and that includes me!
  5. If I am called weird I can tell myself weird means I have found my own way.
  6. Whatever I feel is absolutely acceptable. Feelings are not right or wrong. They are my emotional compass to tell me what I value.
  7. Regardless of how I feel, I can wisely and carefully choose my words and actions.
  8. Sometimes I will feel needy. We all feel needy at times—desiring respect, acknowledgment, support or appreciation.
  9. It’s OK to ask for what I want. It is OK for others to say, “Yes”, “No”, or “It depends”.
  10. I can choose who to trust. I will put trust in others’ follow-through and behaviour before I will trust their spoken intentions.
  11. I can face difficult challenges. I have done hard things before. I can feel the fear and do it anyway.
  12. I can do anything for a short period of time if the ultimate goal is important to me.
  13. I learn from my mistakes. By using my fine brain I continually learn.
  14. I deserve love, respect and appreciation.
  15. I can count my blessings with gratitude to uplift my thoughts.
  16. I can focus on kindness, compassion and good deeds.
  17. I have the right to be treated fairly by others.
  18. Every day I can describe what good has happened to me.
  19. I can choose my thoughts, beliefs, dreams, goals and relationships or hang onto them any time I want.
  20. I can choose people to support me who reciprocate with appreciate gestures.
  21. I can choose to believe, I am OK. You are OK. We can respect one another.
  22. I can choose when to act with assertiveness, passiveness and aggressiveness.
  23. I can develop my mental, emotional, social, creative, social well, and spiritual being.
  24. I am a deserving human being as are others—doing the best that we can.
  25. I am a lovable, capable, resourceful, and resilient.

Five Optimistic Quotes

  1. “While you can’t control your experiences, you can control your explanations.”  Martin Seligman
  2. “You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” A. A. Miln
  3. “God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Attributed to Friedrich Oetinger, 1702-1782, and to Reinhold Niebuhr, “The Serenity Prayer”, 1934
  4. “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.'” Mary Anne Radmacher
  5. “If I am not for me, who is. If I am only for me, what is the point?” Ancient philosopher, Hillel

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Bonus! Five Tips to Think Like an Optimist

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How to Strengthen Your Internal Locus of Control

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For many of us, it feels as if life is happening to us. We have a sense of being controlled by the events and circumstances outside of ourselves. But the late psychiatrist and author, Viktor Frankl, described how our internal Locus of Control can help us survive challenges, even unspeakable adversity. As a survivor of The Holocaust, he describes his discovery in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning. 

Locus in Latin means place or location.  Where do you reside in your mind and attitude—internally or externally? Those with a strong internal locus of control believe that they are primarily in charge of their lives.  Those with a strong external locus of control believe that they are primarily at the mercy of other people, fate or chance. They often perceive themselves as victims of their situations.

Research by Julian Rotter concluded:

Those who are passive about their well-being believe they have little or no control over their lives. They have an external locus of control. Those who take the most effective action on their own behalf believe they are primarily in control of their lives. They have an internal locus of control.”

What an individual believes about their internal or external locus of control becomes self-fulfilling.

Those with a strong EXTERNAL Locus of Control often:

  1. Feel victimized
  2. Feel resentful
  3. Feel powerless
  4. Blame others
  5. Think pessimistically
  6. Seek approval
  7. Expect to be rescued
  8. Get stuck
They believe:
  • My thoughts, choices, and behaviors do not affect my life.
  • Problems work out or they don’t.
  • Life is a matter of luck or fate.
  • My happiness is dependent on others’ approval and perceptions.
  • It doesn’t matter what I think, believe or do.

Those with a strong INTERNAL Locus of Control often:

  1. Honor their feelings
  2. Feel at peace
  3. Feel empowered with courage
  4. Think optimistically
  5. Stay in integrity
  6. Expect life’s ups and downs
  7. Bounce back quickly
  8. Explore possible solutions
They believe:
  • What happens to me is largely the result of my efforts and choices.
  •  I can always choose my response.
  • I can choose my thoughts . . . and consequently my feelings.
  • I am responsible for my own happiness.
  • I choose who I am and what I do.

The theologian Reinhold Niebuhr created the serenity prayer which has helped many develop their Internal Locus of Control. This prayer has been used for decades by Twelve Step Programs.  The Serenity Prayer is commonly quoted as:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

None of us have a perfect Internal Locus of Control. We are human. We are somewhere on a continuum as the line indicates below.

External Locus of Control ——————–X——Internal Locus of Control

X marks a pretty darned empowering and mentally healthy spot!  Where do you imagine you are on the continuum from External to Internal Locus of Control? Where would you like to be? I know from my tumultuous early thirties, I have moved significantly to the right. All the best with your journey of finding your internal locus of control!

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