Coupleship on the Rocks? How to Decide to Stay or Leave

Years ago, my heart was deeply moved as Les and I shared dinner and personal stories with our dear friends, Judy and Tink. Judy Armstrong, a multi-talented artist who excelled in acting, singing, songwriting, and dancing, had once fallen head over heels for Tink, a versatile artist himself, skilled in acting, singing, dancing, and choreography. During a fleeting moment, I observed their hands gently intertwining and caressing each other, and in that instant, I couldn’t help but think, “I am witnessing the embodiment of true love.”

As Les and I made our way home that night, the warmth of that evening stayed with us.

However, time has passed and Tink passed away. Judy, in her unwavering devotion, spared no effort in orchestrating a grand celebration of his life, complete with the enchanting melodies of a big band dance music. Despite the passage of years and the loss of Tink, the enduring warmth of their love continues to grace our memories.

I do not know if they ever had moments of struggle questioning whether to stay or leave their marriage. I do know they demonstrated a deep commitment, cherishing behaviors and a mutually supportive partnership.

But there are many other and different relationship stories.

It is common for one partner, on their own, to visit my counseling space. They often come to decide whether to stay or leave their relationship. They are tormented by asking,”Why stay? Why leave?” There are no easy answers but there are options, depending on the circumstances of the relationship.

Imagine When Women Had Little Choice to Leave

In the past, many women, in particular, chose to remain in harmful relationships when it would have been better for everyone involved if they had left. They endured emotional, verbal, physical, and often sexual abuse for various reasons. Why did they do this?

One significant factor was the influence of their faith communities, which taught them that disobeying their husbands was a sinful act. Additionally, they often felt a misplaced and unexamined loyalty to their partners. Shockingly, some women even believed that they deserved the abuse they endured. They often lacked the necessary perspective to think differently, as domestic violence was rarely discussed or acknowledged at the time. Their fear of being rejected and judged by their communities further motivated them to stay. Lastly, they had few, if any, safe housing alternatives for themselves and their children. All these factors constituted my mother’s reality.

However, the dynamics of relationships have evolved, and the old norms no longer suffice. In 1973, a group in Langley, British Columbia, established Canada’s first women’s shelter to address this issue.

In North America, we have become increasingly intolerant of domestic violence. Our communities strive to provide resources and support to those in need. Unfortunately, women’s shelters are still essential.

The ideal scenario would be to learn from this history and use it as a guide before entering an intimate relationship. Romance and happiness can be fleeting, and without a strong foundation, couples can easily find themselves in trouble. It is crucial that we become more aware of the dynamics within our relationships and address them proactively.

Are You Asleep or Awake?

Is your relationship asleep or awake? If we are awake, we appreciate the aliveness and the tension present in our relationship. Indeed, we will use our relationship to discover our shadows and light.

We can often stay committed regardless of our old patterns and unfinished business. They will inevitably rise. Yes, they will! But those older patterns can shift if we both do the work of becoming aware of our own histories. This includes discovering our tender spots, our pet peeves, and our core values.

Be Aware of  Typical Relationship Problems

Problems do not destroy relationships. Poor problem solving destroys relationships. Poor communication skills, including blaming, name calling and nagging destroy relationships. Taking one another for granted destroys relationships. Domestic violence destroys relationships. Two adults acting like two out of control toddlers in a sandbox destroys relationships. Threatening divorce destroys relationships.

Some people believe that a thriving relationship should be easy.  When struggles surface, those same people use the D word — divorce — thinking it’s the easy way out. Little do they know that divorce typically takes more emotional angst, time and resources.

Your partnership may also be at risk if your parents did not model healthy problem solving, care and commitment.

Be heartened, you can develop relationship skills. That is if you are willing (and ready!) to do the emotional work.

Choose Relationship Maturity

Change does not come without effort to become aware plus an effort to heal old wounds. It also includes being coached to develop new beliefs and healthy behaviors. It is a choice whether to grow and mature in your present relationship.

Let me qualify my comment about choice. As my colleague and Neuro-linguistic programming trainer, Shelley Rose Charvet said, “Where there is a will, there is a way. In relationships, it takes two wills to make the way.” Yes, it takes both of you to make your relationship work.

Michelle Wiener-Davis’ book The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage is an excellent resource for those who want to gently check if their partner is open to change.

Three times I considered leaving my marriage. Fortunately, I visited a trusted and insightful therapist. She asked, “How is he stopping you from living the life you want?”

You see, I was using my marriage as an excuse not to take some brave and personal steps. That is now my yardstick with couples: Can you be you in this relationship?

Know When to Leave: The Deal Breakers

While maintaining your sense of individuality within a relationship is important, it cannot come at the price of compromising personal safety. Are you in danger emotionally, physically, sexually, or financially? Or, even worse, are you enduring these violations of human dignity?  If you are and your partner is unwilling to get help, it’s time to leave!

Domestic violence follows a pattern: violation, apology, tension, and repeat. If you’re stuck in this cycle, leave! You deserve better; no one deserves abuse.

When an abusive partner won’t change, plan your exit. Seek help from a women’s shelter or service for support, validation, and access to resources. You deserve respect, encouragement, and care.

Other deal breakers, though less urgent, include addiction and infidelity.

Invest so the Staying is Sweet

At its best, an intimate partnership supports you in becoming the best you.  As John Welwood, author of Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, wrote, “I am committed to you and will help soften your edges.”

Invest in your number one squeeze and go hand-in-hand to find an effective marital therapist. Or, read books together on couple enrichment. The relationship researcher and therapist, John Gottman, also has helpful books; one is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The Rocky Mountain Couple Retreat is a yearly relationship enhancement weekend. My husband Les and I have participated more than twenty-five times.

Summary

The decision to stay or leave is yours to make. Make it wisely. If it is wise to stay, think of Judy and Tink’s long, steady and committed marriage. At some point, they learned to cherish each other, respectfully dialogue, and gently touch. You can too…if you have a willing partner. I hope you do!

In what ways do you invest in and nourish your coupleship?