Give Your Children Unconditional and Conditional Love
Children have a moral right to be loved. S. Matthew Lia, New York University
If all children have a moral right to be loved, then I and I imagine you have let them down. Absolutely, there have been times I have let my children down in the love department. They were when I was also letting myself down; not doing a good job of unconditionally loving myself. We are human!
There might actually be a problem if we were perfect parents, instead of good enough parents. As my mentor, Gwendolyn Jasma used to say “You need to betray your children in some way or they will never leave home!” And I did. And they did. They are all living elsewhere!
From our daughter, Kelly and through the journey I describe in Love Her As She Is: Lessons from a Daughter Stolen by Addictions I learned to love unconditionally. Regrettably, in her younger years, I operated primarily from conditional love. I was fairly on the ball by giving her love when she behaved as I wanted. Unconditional needed repair.
According to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary, unconditional means no limits in any way or complete and absolute. Parents love their children no matter what!
Conditional means subject to, implying, or dependent upon a condition. Typically, conditional love is used by parents to reinforce children’s helpful, appropriate or virtuous behaviors. Parents catch success and teachable moments. Then they enhance the experience.
UNCONDITIONAL Love
Unconditional love conveys the message; I see you and hear you. I love you just the way you are. You have inherent worth and value.
The Sounds and Sights of UNCONDITIONAL Love
Words:
- I care for you.
- I see you. I hear you.
- Oh?
- Really?
- I’m glad you are my . . .
- Whatever you feel is OK.
- I value you.
- I am here for you.
- I want you in my life.
Listen:
- I’m here for you and listening.
- I hear you saying…
- I imagine you are feeling…
Facial messages:
- smile (grin or laugh, if appropriate)
- head nod
- attentive eyes and ears
Physical attention:
- hug
- hold hands
- gentle touch
CONDITIONAL Love
Conditional love conveys the message; I see and hear you. You have strengths and are capable. You can learn and make smart, disciplined and kind decisions.
The Sounds and Sights of CONDITIONAL Love
Words:
- Thank you for…talking and connecting.
- I like your decision.
- Making mistakes is OK.
- You have learned a lot.
- I like how you remembered.
- Thank you for listening.
- You have done hard things before.
- I appreciate you thinking about me.
- I appreciate your honesty with me.
- I saw you make a wise decision.
Listen:
- I hear it is difficult for you.
- You sound pleased and proud
- I hear you saying…
- I imagine you are feeling…
Facial messages
- smile (grin or laugh, if appropriate)
- head nod
- attentive eyes and ears
Physical attention
- hug
- hold hands
- gentle touch
As a mother, grandmother and parent educator I have experienced the power of generously loving conditionally and unconditionally. Doing so brings the best out of our children.
What are your views on conditional and unconditional love?
Please check out this related post:
February 25, 2018 @ 6:49 am
Thank you Patricia:
I find the information very valuable as always.
February 25, 2018 @ 6:38 pm
Thank you, Genet! You are such a devoted mother. I also know that you are a mentor to Calgary immigrant women. They, too will benefit from your ability to provide unconditional love.