Keys to Deal with Guilt and Overcome Shame and Resentment

“Shame on you!” is a different message to “You are guilty of taking the cookie out of the cookie jar!” Indeed, shame and guilt are different beasts. Then there is resentment of others triggering our shame and guilt. Here we will explore how to deal with guilt, shame and resentment.

Feeling guilty is a result of making an error, often an error in good judgment. Guilt has sadness underlying it, a sense of true regret for a chosen behavior that created harm or trouble. You may be moved to make amends. Feeling shame is a result of believing you are damaged goods; that you were born flawed.

The researcher on shame, Brene Brown, explains:

Guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort. I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.”

Overcome Shame

Shame lives deep inside and requires awareness, healing, and self-compassion.  That is hard when we live in a culture that shames us.

Here is an example: If someone of prominence cries publicly, it is common to hear, “Oh, look at him! He broke down!” No! he didn’t. He had a good cry. Crying is the body’s natural and healthy way of releasing tension and pain. If you start to feel ashamed when you cry, that is an indicator that years earlier your self-worth was demeaned. Shame attacks our self-worth.

Another example is when some offers you feedback with the intention of helping you, and you react with a sense unworthiness.

Begin to notice when you feel like a piece of sh$#@%. You know what I mean. Right?

If you struggle with shame, please take it a therapist, a healer, faith leader or someone you trust. You deserve to realize the lovable truth of you!

Deal with Guilt

Guilt needlessly plagues many people.  For example, many parents, mothers, in particular, feel guilty when they take time for themselves. They probably believe something like, “I should put everybody else first.”

Many believe they should make their children happy. Their neighbors tell them, “You make your children so happy” or at the other end of unhelpful messages, “You broke her heart.” The reality is that we have an influence on one another but we do not have the power to MAKE anyone feel anything. You MAKE you!

Unhealthy, illogical shoulds create dis-ease and stress for ourselves and our families. Observe and censor your own menu of shoulds. Being driven in life through unhealthy, and usually meaningless, shoulds can create resentment and meaninglessness.

There are some healthy shoulds that are actual values, morals or virtues in action. We should look after the earth, avoid racism and care for our young, elderly, disabled and disadvantaged.

True feelings of guilt are aligned with regretting a behavior. I recall backing into a woman’s car. Did I apologize or what? The next day I delivered one of my homemade pies to her place of work. Yes, we can deal with guilt!

Deal with Resentment

Resentment is an emotional response to perceived wrongs or unfair treatment, often coming from interpersonal conflicts, unmet expectations, or unresolved past hurts.  It can linger, fester and grow to the point of impacting our mental and physical health, maybe leading to stress, anxiety, and depression. For sure, it puts a strain on relationships.

Resentment can act like a mental poison. When we replay hurtful or painful experiences, we can become locked into bitterness. Then our ability to move forward is affected. We can conclude that we are the victim of injustice and may begin to irrationally distrust others and have difficulty making new relationships. Resentment can also shadow our ability to experience daily pleasures and joy.

Addressing resentment requires acknowledging and accepting our feelings. Understanding the root cause can provide a clearer perspective for healing. If possible, discussing feelings of hurt, loss, concern, or grief with the involved people can create relationship repair and closure. If direct communication isn’t possible, journaling or talking with a trusted friend or therapist can help.

Practicing forgiveness is crucial. Forgiveness means freeing oneself from the burden of painful emotions, allowing some emotional release and reclaiming our personal peace. Focusing on self-care, nourishing activities, and healthy relationships can shift attention away from the feelings of resentment and move us towards gratitude, growth and peace.

Use Four Steps to Deal with Guilt and Three Steps to Deal with Resentment

Here is an exercise to transform your feelings of guilt into self-care. It will also help you decide whether to move forward with an apology and/or make amends . . . or not! If you are overwhelmed with feelings of resentment, start with Step Two

Step One: Complete these two sentences as many times as you can.

•  I feel guilty about . . .
•  I feel guilty when . . .

Step Two:  Take each issue in the above sentences and complete the following sentences.

Note: If you start with feelings of resentment, end the a) sentence below as many times as possible. Then take your a) list and for each point write the b) sentence, below as many times as possible.

Complete these two sentences as many times as you can.

a) What I resent (about other people’s behavior, words, lack of support or pressure) is . . .

b) What I regret (doing or not doing: saying or not saying) is . . .

Step Three:  Take your a) list of resentments and tell yourself. “I do not have control over other people. I will let go.” Perhaps draw a big black line through each sentence. Or you can cut each sentence into a strip of paper, read each sentence one by one and then either crumple each one to place in a waste basket or burn.

Step Four: Take your b) list of regrets and complete the following sentence:

•    In order to take better care of myself from now on, I will . . .

This last self-care step is crucial to deal with guilt in particular. Remember as Harvard psychologist, Christopher Germer said,

A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”

Please share your experiences to help the rest of us deal with guilt, shame or resentment.

Please check out these related posts:

• Let Go of the Curse of Mother’s Guilt
• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene’ Brown