How to Deal with Guilt, Shame, and Resentment
“Shame on you!” hits differently than “You are guilty of taking the cookie from the cookie jar.” While they might sound similar, shame and guilt are actually very different emotional experiences—and both can deeply affect our well-being. Add in resentment, especially when it’s directed at those who trigger these feelings, and it becomes even more complicated. In this post, we’ll explore how to deal with guilt, understand shame, and navigate the resentment that often ties them together.
Understanding the Difference Between Guilt and Shame
Guilt arises when we recognize that we’ve made a mistake—often a lapse in judgment or behavior that causes harm to others or ourselves. Underneath guilt is usually a feeling of sadness or regret, and importantly, a desire to make things right. Guilt is connected to our values. When we deal with guilt in healthy ways, it can motivate us to grow, take responsibility, and make amends.
Shame, on the other hand, goes deeper. It’s not about what we did—it’s about who we believe we are. When we feel shame, we often tell ourselves we’re fundamentally flawed or unworthy. It’s a belief that we are “bad,” not just that we did something bad.
The Impact of Shame: Brene Brown’s Insight
Researcher and author Brené Brown puts it this way:
“Guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort. I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging… I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.”
Brown’s insights help us see that while guilt can be a guidepost, shame is often a self-esteem problem.
Overcome Shame
Shame often stems from early wounds to our self-worth and thrives in a culture that normalizes shaming.
Take this example: someone cries publicly and people say, “He broke down.” No, he didn’t. He cried—a healthy, human release. If you feel ashamed when crying, it may be because your self-worth was demeaned when you shed a tear.
Another sign is reacting to well-meant feedback with feelings of unworthiness. Start noticing those “I feel like a piece of sh$#@%” moments. You know the ones. That’s shame talking.
If you struggle with shame, don’t carry it alone. Talk to a therapist or someone you trust. You deserve to know how lovable you truly are.
Deal with Guilt
Guilt is often misplaced. Many, especially parents, feel guilty for taking time for themselves. Thoughts like “I should put everyone else first” are unhealthy shoulds that create stress and resentment.
Here’s the truth: you can influence others, but you can’t make anyone feel anything. You’re responsible for your emotions—they’re responsible for theirs.
Not all “shoulds” are bad. Some reflect real values—like caring for the planet or standing against injustice. But guilt based on impossible expectations causes unnecessary pain.
Healthy guilt is different. It aligns with our values. I once backed into someone’s car. I apologized and brought her a homemade pie the next day. That’s how you deal with guilt—own it, make it right, and move on.
Deal with Resentment
Resentment stems from feeling wronged, unheard, or hurt. Left unaddressed, it festers—damaging relationships and potentially your emotional well-being.
It can trap you in bitterness and block joy. You might begin to distrust others or struggle to form new connections. Resentment can even distort how you see the world.
To heal, start by acknowledging your feelings. Understanding the root cause helps you shift perspective. If you can, talk with those involved. If not, try journaling or speaking with someone you trust.
Forgiveness helps release emotional weight. It doesn’t mean forgetting—it means freeing yourself. Focus on self-care and activities that nourish you.
Five-Step Exercise to Shift Guilt and Resentment
This reflective practice helps you deal with guilt, release resentment, and transform regret into meaningful self-care. Whether you’re facing guilt, shame, or unresolved frustration, this exercise will help you forward with clarity.
💡 If resentment is your starting point, begin at Step 2.
Step 1: Name Your Feelings of Guilt
Write freely and honestly. Begin by identifying what’s weighing on you. Complete the following prompts as many times as you can.
- I feel guilty about…
- I feel guilty when…
Let the words flow without judgment.
Step 2: Acknowledge Feelings of Resentment
Now explore your frustrations with others. Focus outward and complete this sentence as many times as you can.
- What I resent is… (someone’s words, actions, pressure, or lack of support)
This helps you uncover what feels unjust or unresolved.
Step 3: Own Your Feelings of Regrets
For each resentment or guilt identified, go inward and reflect on your own participation; that is your behavior or reaction by completing this sentence:
- I regret… (something you did, didn’t say, or failed to do)
This is not about blame—it’s about owning what’s yours and letting go of what isn’t.
Step 4: Release and Reset
- Let go of what you cannot control:
Review your resentment list (Step 2). For each line, say,
“I do not have control over other people. I will let go.”
Then release them physically: cross them out, tear them up, or burn them safely.
- Next, take your regret list (Step 3) and transform it. For each one, complete this sentence:
“From now on, I will…
This is your self-care action plan, aligned with your values and growth.
Step 5: Practice Self-Compassion
Finally, give yourself the kindness you deserve. Healing is a process, not a one-time event.
“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
— Christopher Germer
Conclusion:
When you deal with guilt through honesty, release, and compassion, you create space for peace and progress.
You’re not alone in this. If you’ve done the work to deal with guilt, or are in the process, sharing your journey might help others feel less alone—and more empowered. Please share with us!
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